What We Know - Week 10

Alright, Week 10 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:

Bengal’s Purposely Not Throwing TD’s to Ocho Cinco

Chad Johnson hasn't scored a touchdown in 7 games, and it has been learned that there is a reason for that, information has been leaked about his next TD celebration to the team. Said QB Carson Palmer, “Yeah, I heard about the next TD celebration by #85 and frankly, I don’t ever want to see it. It is something that you won’t be able to erase from your memory ever. Basically when we get inside the other opponents territory, I look for other receivers and if they are covered I will either throw it out of bounds or to the other team rather than Chad”. From the rumor floating around, after his next TD, Chad is going to celebrate by somehow molesting a llama with the ball, then he is going to pull out a pistol from his sock and shoot the player that he beat for the TD and then ride him reverse cowboy style and then run over and nail a cheerleader while doing push ups and finish it off by slamming a bottle of Grey Goose, throwing it in the air and shooting at it until he hits the bottle or someone who is trying to run from the carnage. When asked about this he claimed, “I don’t know what you are talking about, you know all my celebrations are spontaneous, those props just happen to be there when I think of the idea after the TD”, as he shoved a bag of Llama Feed and books on Hypnotizing a Cheerleader in 3 Seconds, How to Ride Rodeo and How to Shoot at Moving Targets when you are Drunk, into his gym bag. No one is sure how he is going to get the Llama onto the field without anyone noticing it during the game. To ensure that he didn't score this past week, they decided to kick 7 FG’s from less than 20yds out.

Patriot’s Fans Decide Not To Take the Bye Week Off

Unfortunately, like most civilized countries had hoped, the Patriots fans decided not to take the bye week off from their constant bitching and whining. This week their main target was why Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett didn't win the AL Cy Young award. I guess winning the World Series just isn't enough for them anymore. There main claim now is that it should be decided after the playoffs since Beckett was dominant. They seem to make their argument based on the facts that only benefit their situation without looking at the rest of it. The perfect example was getting caught cheating earlier this year. What if it was the Colts that got caught last year in the playoffs. Do you think they would have had said like they are now, "Everyone does it, so that's OK". No, they would have thrown out the asterisk talk, and the tainted talk, and how they were cheated out of a win, its never ending. With the NL Cy Young award being announced today, I fully expect them to whine that Beckett didn't win that award too. Other topics of their constant bitching this week were: Even though Pedoria won the Rookie of the Year, why didn't Dice-K finish 2nd and any of their other rookies who played in at least one game finish 3rd-10th in voting?; Why did all of the NFL highlight shows on Sunday night only show games from Week 10 and not just highlights from the Patriots first 9 games?; and why on ESPN NFL Countdown, did they only show 6 stories on what Tom Brady did on his bye week, there are 7 days in a week you know? (by the way, in all fairness, i do have a great friend that is a Boston fan. He at least has a sense of humor, he will defend his teams til the end, but at least he will listen to the counter argument without bitching or whining. He offers some outrageous counter points, but they are usually logical and usually quite hilarious). My new theory is that Boston fans don't know how to react when they cant play the "When will we get the respect we deserve" card since they are at the top of all the rankings and now just whine about getting respect for random things, like shiny Cy Young trophies that nobody remembers in 6 months.

Peyton’s Performance Actually an Audition for another Commercial

Peyton Manning threw an uncharacteristic 6 interceptions against the Chargers this weekend. After further review, it was determined that he was actually auditioning for a role in another commercial. This one is for Schlitz Malt Liquor. The premise is for really bad athletes and what they drink after the game. The tag line for the ad is: When #18 plays this bad he could really use a 40” and then he swigs down the whole forty ouncer. Other athletes speculated to be in ads are Ryan Leaf, Rae Carruth (his will involve something around 40 years in prison), Tarvaris Jackson, Adam Morrison and LaTroy Hawkins. It is also rumored that Peyton’s performance was an audition for his first starring role in a movie, The Lifetime Original Movie: The Eli Manning Story.

Matt Millen Escapes Year-long Captivity in Time for the Cardinal Game

In has now been confirmed that Matt Millen has been in captivity for the past year by local Detroit fans, which would go a long way into explaining the Lions 6-2 start. He was able to break free this Sunday morning and make his way into the coach’s booth and immediately start calling plays. This would explain the Lions rushing for -18 yards on 8 carries on Sunday. It was rumored that his first words upon leaving captivity were, “What happened at the draft? Were we able to trade up in the draft by offering all of our draft picks this year and next and Roy Williams to get Brady Quinn with the first pick?”