Well the playoffs are here and the Vikings are in which is something I haven't been able to say in a few years, so good times. Here is a quick preview of Round 1:
Miami vs Baltimore: Though i expect all tickets will be sold for this game, there is a 94% chance it won't be a full house in Miami as Ray Lewis has a penchant for killing people when he is in Florida. When the season started, this was the game i wanted in the playoffs, Flacco vs Pennington, a classic match up of...umm...well, NFL Starters. I think there is a better QB battle in Detroit.
Arizona vs Atlanta: Could you imagine this match up if it were Kurt Warner vs Michael Vick. The God-fearing QB vs The QB who doesn't seem to like house pets much. I am guessing God would have taken the Cardinals and the over. Instead it is Warner vs Matt Ryan, who went to Boston College so i am guessing he has killed something in his life, like the chance at a quality education.
San Diego vs Indianapolis: OMG, we have a chance at a Manning vs Manning Super Bowl, how awesome is that!!!! Elisha could meet the Jonas Brothers!!! It's Manning vs Manning!!!! (Sorry, just giving you a preview of the Super Bowl coverage should this happen). Wait, there is another team in this game...who cares it could be Manning vs Manning!!!! Shoot me now.
Minnesota vs Philadelphia: This is the meeting of match ups. Its Peterson vs Westbrook, a RB who cant hang onto the ball vs a RB who needs a walker to get to the ball. Its Jackson vs Jackson, a QB and a WR who both have issues with letting the ball go across the goal line. Its Childress vs his mentor Reid, mustache vs mustache, and somehow Childress survived his time in Philly without Andy Reid eating him, but not this time, in which the Viking fans will cheer.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Fantasy Football Preview '09 - The WR's
Alright, we are onto the WR's:
Welcome Back to Relevance:
Lee Evans: He has always been up and down but now he kinda has a QB. My worry is that his teammates might not be able to understand him, even if the Bills move to Canada.
Bernard Berrian: He has been able to move from the likes of Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton as his QB to the likes of Tavareus Jackson and Gus Frerotte as his QB. That is like moving from Mediterranean Avenue to Baltic Avenue in the QB Monopoly.
The Young Guns:
Calvin Johnson: A superstar in the making. He is able to still get quality fantasy points even though he plays for the Lions. And he is the first successful guy named Calvin since this guy. Which shows Matt Millen peeing on his teams wins during his reign.
Lance Moore: Has come out of nowhere to post great stats this year and being on the NO offense I see no decline next year, plus he has a great porn name.
Wait Until Next Year:
Kevin Walter: The best white receiver since this white.
Eddie Royal: Has put up an impressive rookie campaign. Next year could be even more impressive as i am sure by opening week the Bronco's will only be down to there 4th RB instead of their 7th which should open things up for Royal.
The New Superstars:
Roddy White: He has put up awesome numbers this year, it is almost like Michael Vick isn't throwing him the ball anymore.
Larry Fitzgerald: His numbers will only increase if he has this QB throwing to him instead of a QB that has to go home to this. Leinhart might be more relaxed and i might prefer Jimmy.
Goodbye:
Ocho Chad Johnson Cinco: He wanted out of Cincy but the Bengals wouldn't oblige him before the year, I am thinking they should have even if the other team offered a half eaten chili dog. Go ahead and name yourself whatever you want but i suggest Largemouth Ass.
Terrell Owens: Hey, way to destroy your 3rd team. Of course none of it is ever your fault. Nope Jason Witten and Tony Romo making a play fort and discussing awesome plays in the sand are the reason you suck at catching passes. Which team do you move to next...the Patriots? Lets hope.
Status Quo:
Andre Johnson: Ho Hum. Catches everything in sight. Gains a bunch of yards. Gets a lot of TD's. Probably the most fearsome Andre since this guy. I would be scared of him if alone in coverage.
Greg Jennings: He was somehow able to survive the death of Brett Favre. To have the season he has had without a QB is sensational.
Next up, the TE, K, Def/ST.
Welcome Back to Relevance:
Lee Evans: He has always been up and down but now he kinda has a QB. My worry is that his teammates might not be able to understand him, even if the Bills move to Canada.
Bernard Berrian: He has been able to move from the likes of Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton as his QB to the likes of Tavareus Jackson and Gus Frerotte as his QB. That is like moving from Mediterranean Avenue to Baltic Avenue in the QB Monopoly.
The Young Guns:
Calvin Johnson: A superstar in the making. He is able to still get quality fantasy points even though he plays for the Lions. And he is the first successful guy named Calvin since this guy. Which shows Matt Millen peeing on his teams wins during his reign.
Lance Moore: Has come out of nowhere to post great stats this year and being on the NO offense I see no decline next year, plus he has a great porn name.
Wait Until Next Year:
Kevin Walter: The best white receiver since this white.
Eddie Royal: Has put up an impressive rookie campaign. Next year could be even more impressive as i am sure by opening week the Bronco's will only be down to there 4th RB instead of their 7th which should open things up for Royal.
The New Superstars:
Roddy White: He has put up awesome numbers this year, it is almost like Michael Vick isn't throwing him the ball anymore.
Larry Fitzgerald: His numbers will only increase if he has this QB throwing to him instead of a QB that has to go home to this. Leinhart might be more relaxed and i might prefer Jimmy.
Goodbye:
Ocho Chad Johnson Cinco: He wanted out of Cincy but the Bengals wouldn't oblige him before the year, I am thinking they should have even if the other team offered a half eaten chili dog. Go ahead and name yourself whatever you want but i suggest Largemouth Ass.
Terrell Owens: Hey, way to destroy your 3rd team. Of course none of it is ever your fault. Nope Jason Witten and Tony Romo making a play fort and discussing awesome plays in the sand are the reason you suck at catching passes. Which team do you move to next...the Patriots? Lets hope.
Status Quo:
Andre Johnson: Ho Hum. Catches everything in sight. Gains a bunch of yards. Gets a lot of TD's. Probably the most fearsome Andre since this guy. I would be scared of him if alone in coverage.
Greg Jennings: He was somehow able to survive the death of Brett Favre. To have the season he has had without a QB is sensational.
Next up, the TE, K, Def/ST.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Fantasy Football Preview '09 - The RB's
Alright, here is the 2nd installment previewing next years Fantasy Football. I present the RB's.
Welcome Back to Relevance:
Thomas Jones: He has been a bust in Arizona and a bust in Chicago. Now with the NY Jets he is a star. My only guess as to why he is successful in NY is that the defensive players are so excited to get an interception from Brett Favre that they forget about the running game.
Ronnie Brown: He can run, he can pass, he can catch, he's a Wildcat. My guess to his new found success is that he has access to Ricky Williams stash and then after that he has access to Bill Parcells fridge.
The Young Guns:
Adrian Peterson: Yes he is already a superstar, but you have to remember he is only a 2nd year player, so he is a young gun. If you can have the stats that he has with the names Tavarus Jackson, Brooks Bollinger, Gus Ferotte and Kelly Holcomb involved, that means he is something special. Also, Cato June is so irrelevant and such a punk that this is the only way he can get his name in the paper. What a d-bag.
Steve Slaton: If Houston had realized earlier in the year that maybe giving Slaton the ball over the ancient Ahman Green, they might be fighting for a playoff spot. He was also somehow able to fill the shoes of the legendary Kay-Jay Harris at WVU and that is saying something.
Wait Until Next Year:
Matt Forte: In his first year with the Bears, he has provided them with a running game, something they haven't had since William Perry roamed Soldier Field and stole hot dogs from kids in the stands. He also has quite the website. They must be really bored at Tulane to create that.
DeAngelo Williams: He is finally coming into his own after years of sharing the spotlight, well maybe not a spotlight, more like a flashlight. Kinda like those little ones you put on your key chain. If he can somehow avoid Steve Smith punching him in the face, he could be a superstar but that is not likely as Smith averages punching a teammate every 4.8 minutes during practice.
The New Superstars:
Michael Turner: In a recent poll of PETA members asking who their favorite Michael who played for the Atlanta Falcons was, the vote ended up 452-1 in favor of Turner over Vick. The one vote for Vick was by the only straight member of PETA, and she thought Vick was kinda cute.
Chris Johnson: He has exploded on the scene in Tennessee this year which caused Titan QB Kerry Collins to yell "Hey, you kids keep it down, I am trying to watch Matlock here". He is also much cooler than this Chris Johnson who maybe needs to get out more.
Goodbye (in this case will be drafted but a lot further down)
LDT: Tomlinson might fall from the 1st overall pick to the 3rd round after this season. Since he is from Waco, TX, it might have been wise to drink the kool-aid instead of playing for Norv Turner.
Joseph Addai: Seriously, he needs to go with Joe, not Joseph. There are many famous Joe's, like Joe Montana, Mean Joe Greene and Joe Horn (OK, i am stretching with that last one) but the only famous Joseph is this and he may want to distance himself from that.
Status Quo (Value Remains the Same)
Brian Westbrook: Even with a broken leg, shattered pelvis, torn ACL, separated shoulder, concussion and playing with the stench of Donovan McNabb's puke on his jersey, he still puts up numbers. He is still a top 3 RB.
Stephen Jackson: Even playing in St Louis and dealing with this on a daily basis he continues to produce but one wonders if he could make a better living doing something else.
Next up WR's
Welcome Back to Relevance:
Thomas Jones: He has been a bust in Arizona and a bust in Chicago. Now with the NY Jets he is a star. My only guess as to why he is successful in NY is that the defensive players are so excited to get an interception from Brett Favre that they forget about the running game.
Ronnie Brown: He can run, he can pass, he can catch, he's a Wildcat. My guess to his new found success is that he has access to Ricky Williams stash and then after that he has access to Bill Parcells fridge.
The Young Guns:
Adrian Peterson: Yes he is already a superstar, but you have to remember he is only a 2nd year player, so he is a young gun. If you can have the stats that he has with the names Tavarus Jackson, Brooks Bollinger, Gus Ferotte and Kelly Holcomb involved, that means he is something special. Also, Cato June is so irrelevant and such a punk that this is the only way he can get his name in the paper. What a d-bag.
Steve Slaton: If Houston had realized earlier in the year that maybe giving Slaton the ball over the ancient Ahman Green, they might be fighting for a playoff spot. He was also somehow able to fill the shoes of the legendary Kay-Jay Harris at WVU and that is saying something.
Wait Until Next Year:
Matt Forte: In his first year with the Bears, he has provided them with a running game, something they haven't had since William Perry roamed Soldier Field and stole hot dogs from kids in the stands. He also has quite the website. They must be really bored at Tulane to create that.
DeAngelo Williams: He is finally coming into his own after years of sharing the spotlight, well maybe not a spotlight, more like a flashlight. Kinda like those little ones you put on your key chain. If he can somehow avoid Steve Smith punching him in the face, he could be a superstar but that is not likely as Smith averages punching a teammate every 4.8 minutes during practice.
The New Superstars:
Michael Turner: In a recent poll of PETA members asking who their favorite Michael who played for the Atlanta Falcons was, the vote ended up 452-1 in favor of Turner over Vick. The one vote for Vick was by the only straight member of PETA, and she thought Vick was kinda cute.
Chris Johnson: He has exploded on the scene in Tennessee this year which caused Titan QB Kerry Collins to yell "Hey, you kids keep it down, I am trying to watch Matlock here". He is also much cooler than this Chris Johnson who maybe needs to get out more.
Goodbye (in this case will be drafted but a lot further down)
LDT: Tomlinson might fall from the 1st overall pick to the 3rd round after this season. Since he is from Waco, TX, it might have been wise to drink the kool-aid instead of playing for Norv Turner.
Joseph Addai: Seriously, he needs to go with Joe, not Joseph. There are many famous Joe's, like Joe Montana, Mean Joe Greene and Joe Horn (OK, i am stretching with that last one) but the only famous Joseph is this and he may want to distance himself from that.
Status Quo (Value Remains the Same)
Brian Westbrook: Even with a broken leg, shattered pelvis, torn ACL, separated shoulder, concussion and playing with the stench of Donovan McNabb's puke on his jersey, he still puts up numbers. He is still a top 3 RB.
Stephen Jackson: Even playing in St Louis and dealing with this on a daily basis he continues to produce but one wonders if he could make a better living doing something else.
Next up WR's
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Fantasy Football Preview '09 - The QB's
Since this was originally a fantasy sports humor site, it might be wise to post some fantasy related content (or looking at my last few months, any content). I have migrated more towards the actual sports scene, or as i perceive it. But here for your enjoyment is the start of a extremely early preview of fantasy football '09. We will start with the QB's and each group will be broken into 6 categories based on their '08 performances:
Welcome Back to Relevence:
Kurt Warner: He has done the most with the fewest weapons to bring himself back. It seems he put all of his chips in with God on two incredible WR's. I personally would have have maybe selected 1 great WR and a wife that doesn't look like an uncle, or at least a RB.
Donovan McNabb: He has underperformed since his first bowl of Chunky Soup that he couldn't finish, saying "Mom, I am going to puke, kinda like if i was in a huddle in the 4th quarter". But now he has Brian Westbrook and his Scooter to lead the way and he has had a pretty good season. The Philly fans will still lob insults at him and his top WR will continue to forget where the goal line is, but he isn't a bust anymore.
The Young Guns:
Aaron Rodgers: In his first year (he's not Brett Favre) he has done very well (but he's not Brett Favre) and accumulated some nice fantasy points (but not like Brett Favre) for his owners this year (but not like Brett Favre) and leading fantasy teams to the playoffs (unlike Brett Favre, i mean like Brett Favre). The only difference that matters fantasy wise between him and Brett is that Aaron has scored about 50 more points fantasy wise.
Matt Ryan: See Patriot fans what you can do if your from Boston and don't feel disrespected 99% of the time. For him to turn the Vick 'situation' around in one season and become a valuable fantasy starter is nothing short of amazing. I think the last Falcon QB to complete more than 50% of his passes was Steve Bartkowski.
Wait Until Next Year:
Tyler Thigpen: Who would have thunk. If the Vikings didn't have such legendary QB's last year like Tavarus Jackson, Kelly Holcomb and Brooks Bollinger, KC wouldn't have been able to grab him off our practice squad. And the fact that he is doing all this without an offensive line makes me want to punch Brad Childress in the, well i have already wanted to punch him in every imaginable spot, so i guess we start over with the larynx.
Matt Cassell: The only thing that scares me is the huge eyes and head and that he looks like an alien. Wait, that is Sam Cassell. Matt Cassell didn't even play in college. And the Patriot offense isn't the system, sorry you Brady lovers, you put him on Cleveland...wait, there is already one Brady there trying to hide his sexuality.
The New Super Stars:
Drew Brees: Weapons abound. Accuracy better than few others. Thing on his face like no others. My favorite thing about Brees is that he looks like he is trying to completely ignore that tool Shockey who is not good. He will be one of the top 3 QB's in your draft next year.
Jay Cutler: Mike Shanahan must have some super sperm to keep creating all these RB's, oh wait, that's right, he still has Travis Henry on the payroll. Either way, Cutler keeps producing excellent results (Henry produces less excellent results) and has two really good WR's to work with (and after Marshall completes his 80 hrs of community service, he will have him full time)
Good-Bye (Undrafted next year)
Brett Favre: Well unless you are in Tony K's or John Maddens league. It is rumored that Brett Favre will play again next year but retire from Fantasy Football, only to unretire when he plays Detroit, Cincinnati, Seattle or St. Louis.
Marc Bulger: I guess it is recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors not to be blindsided at full speed by a defensive lineman or linebacker 49 times a game.
Status Quo (Value Remains the Same):
Phillip Rivers: If Rivers can have a NormTurneramdectomy in the off season his value will rise, along with LDT and Gates. If not, expect him to be snorting coke off a blond on a SD beach a 1/2 hour before game time.
Peyton Manning: His commercials have remained the same, mind-numbingly making you want to jump through the TV and stab a pencil into his skull. But other than that, fantasy wise, he is still good.
RB will be next.
Welcome Back to Relevence:
Kurt Warner: He has done the most with the fewest weapons to bring himself back. It seems he put all of his chips in with God on two incredible WR's. I personally would have have maybe selected 1 great WR and a wife that doesn't look like an uncle, or at least a RB.
Donovan McNabb: He has underperformed since his first bowl of Chunky Soup that he couldn't finish, saying "Mom, I am going to puke, kinda like if i was in a huddle in the 4th quarter". But now he has Brian Westbrook and his Scooter to lead the way and he has had a pretty good season. The Philly fans will still lob insults at him and his top WR will continue to forget where the goal line is, but he isn't a bust anymore.
The Young Guns:
Aaron Rodgers: In his first year (he's not Brett Favre) he has done very well (but he's not Brett Favre) and accumulated some nice fantasy points (but not like Brett Favre) for his owners this year (but not like Brett Favre) and leading fantasy teams to the playoffs (unlike Brett Favre, i mean like Brett Favre). The only difference that matters fantasy wise between him and Brett is that Aaron has scored about 50 more points fantasy wise.
Matt Ryan: See Patriot fans what you can do if your from Boston and don't feel disrespected 99% of the time. For him to turn the Vick 'situation' around in one season and become a valuable fantasy starter is nothing short of amazing. I think the last Falcon QB to complete more than 50% of his passes was Steve Bartkowski.
Wait Until Next Year:
Tyler Thigpen: Who would have thunk. If the Vikings didn't have such legendary QB's last year like Tavarus Jackson, Kelly Holcomb and Brooks Bollinger, KC wouldn't have been able to grab him off our practice squad. And the fact that he is doing all this without an offensive line makes me want to punch Brad Childress in the, well i have already wanted to punch him in every imaginable spot, so i guess we start over with the larynx.
Matt Cassell: The only thing that scares me is the huge eyes and head and that he looks like an alien. Wait, that is Sam Cassell. Matt Cassell didn't even play in college. And the Patriot offense isn't the system, sorry you Brady lovers, you put him on Cleveland...wait, there is already one Brady there trying to hide his sexuality.
The New Super Stars:
Drew Brees: Weapons abound. Accuracy better than few others. Thing on his face like no others. My favorite thing about Brees is that he looks like he is trying to completely ignore that tool Shockey who is not good. He will be one of the top 3 QB's in your draft next year.
Jay Cutler: Mike Shanahan must have some super sperm to keep creating all these RB's, oh wait, that's right, he still has Travis Henry on the payroll. Either way, Cutler keeps producing excellent results (Henry produces less excellent results) and has two really good WR's to work with (and after Marshall completes his 80 hrs of community service, he will have him full time)
Good-Bye (Undrafted next year)
Brett Favre: Well unless you are in Tony K's or John Maddens league. It is rumored that Brett Favre will play again next year but retire from Fantasy Football, only to unretire when he plays Detroit, Cincinnati, Seattle or St. Louis.
Marc Bulger: I guess it is recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors not to be blindsided at full speed by a defensive lineman or linebacker 49 times a game.
Status Quo (Value Remains the Same):
Phillip Rivers: If Rivers can have a NormTurneramdectomy in the off season his value will rise, along with LDT and Gates. If not, expect him to be snorting coke off a blond on a SD beach a 1/2 hour before game time.
Peyton Manning: His commercials have remained the same, mind-numbingly making you want to jump through the TV and stab a pencil into his skull. But other than that, fantasy wise, he is still good.
RB will be next.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
2008 NFL Rule Changes
After watching 13 weeks of NFL action, it has become clear to me that Roger Goodell and his boys have made some changes to the league rules. Here is what i have found out so far:
Tackling: You will be penalized if you lead with your head, arms, legs, chest or any other area of the body. If you try to tackle someone with the intention of hitting them hard, you will be penalized. So basically, if you try to tackle someone by any other means than walking up to them, hugging them, and talking them into taking a knee, it will be a 15 yd penalty.
NFC South: The NFL will not show any games of the NFC South. Even though it is the best division in the league and the most competitive, they need to shove the NFC East down the viewers throat and claim that this is the best division, basically because all the teams are in a major market, even though 3 out of the 4 teams kinda suck. I blame Terry Bradshaw for this, not sure why, maybe because he is bald and bald people like the east coast, just look at New Jersey.
Brett Favre: It was mandated by Roger Goodell that during every broadcast the announcers must mention at least 10 times, "What would this team be like if Brett Favre were on it". For example, lets say there was a game between Atlanta and whoever. The announcer would go after Matt Ryan threw an incomplete pass, "You have to wonder what this team would be like with Brett Favre". My response if i were the announcing partner, "Yeah, that would have been intercepted instead of incomplete". This is probably Tony K's fault since he probably thought before the season it would have been wise for NE to sign Favre as a backup just so he could have his ultimate fantasy threesome.
Al Davis: They determined that they needed to have him have a press conference so the fans knew he was still alive (somewhat) and that we can definitely be sure that he clinically insane. This was actually a good decision by the NFL. That press conference was almost like they picked a homeless guy of the street, threw a Raider jacket on him, told him Lane Kiffin stole his grocery cart of cans and dead cats and let him speak for a half an hour.
Tackling: You will be penalized if you lead with your head, arms, legs, chest or any other area of the body. If you try to tackle someone with the intention of hitting them hard, you will be penalized. So basically, if you try to tackle someone by any other means than walking up to them, hugging them, and talking them into taking a knee, it will be a 15 yd penalty.
NFC South: The NFL will not show any games of the NFC South. Even though it is the best division in the league and the most competitive, they need to shove the NFC East down the viewers throat and claim that this is the best division, basically because all the teams are in a major market, even though 3 out of the 4 teams kinda suck. I blame Terry Bradshaw for this, not sure why, maybe because he is bald and bald people like the east coast, just look at New Jersey.
Brett Favre: It was mandated by Roger Goodell that during every broadcast the announcers must mention at least 10 times, "What would this team be like if Brett Favre were on it". For example, lets say there was a game between Atlanta and whoever. The announcer would go after Matt Ryan threw an incomplete pass, "You have to wonder what this team would be like with Brett Favre". My response if i were the announcing partner, "Yeah, that would have been intercepted instead of incomplete". This is probably Tony K's fault since he probably thought before the season it would have been wise for NE to sign Favre as a backup just so he could have his ultimate fantasy threesome.
Al Davis: They determined that they needed to have him have a press conference so the fans knew he was still alive (somewhat) and that we can definitely be sure that he clinically insane. This was actually a good decision by the NFL. That press conference was almost like they picked a homeless guy of the street, threw a Raider jacket on him, told him Lane Kiffin stole his grocery cart of cans and dead cats and let him speak for a half an hour.
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