With the 3 (soon to be 2 with this NBA thing) major sports all involved in some sort of scandal and grabbing all the headlines, this is a prime opportunity for the NHL to have a scandal of its own to get back into the news.
Now hopefully this Staahl brothers bachelor party misdemeanor arrests for drunk and disorderly during a bachelor party wasn't all that they could come up with. I could see the NHL “brain” trust in a recent meeting calling the brothers and saying “Hey, you have a bachelor party coming up right? Get drunk and create some controversy.” And then the brothers came up with, “After we get kicked out of our hotel let’s go scream at cars” Lame, that isn't even Soccer lame, that’s Equestrian lame.
So here are a few ideas to get the NHL back in the news either via scandal or some other attention grabbing stunt and try to reclaim their spot as the 4th major sport in the US.
1. There most recent semi-scandal was the whole gambling ring that former player/coach Rick Tocchet had going. And if memory serves me, sometimes it doesn't due to repeated girly slaps to the head by A-Rod, wasn't Wayne Gretzky wife involved with that too. Since she is a former “actress”, is somewhat hot, and is the wife of most famous hockey player ever, a scandal involving her would be perfect. So, with her gambling problem it is pretty obvious what needs to be done, a current NHL player needs to sleep with her. Preferably some greasy, curly haired mullet wearing dude, oh wait that is all of them.
2. Didn't they have a female goalie in the minors awhile back? Well, even if they didn't it would be a good idea to try it, and have her at the NHL level. There are several really good female goalies at the collegiate and national level, you could take one of them but qualifications are overrated when you are trying to get headlines so I suggest Pamela Anderson. She’s Canadian so she must like hockey and from what I have heard (or seen) she really knows how to handle a stick. Throw her on the Blackhawk’s (not literally), they couldn't do any worse.
3. Teach David Beckham how to skate. That would definitely grab headlines but I think we take it one step further and have the current coach for whatever team he signs with (probably Nashville cause he likes the spotlight) kidnap his wife. The purpose of this would be twofold. One, it would grab worldwide attention and two, it would save the world from the planned Spice Girls reunion tour for which we all would be thankful, since we all know that they play all their music live and not lip-synched and therefore need all 5 girls or it just wouldn't work, like the Stones without Keith Richards back when he was alive as they haven’t been the same since. Wait, he is still alive? I thought that was a wax museum picture of him.
4. Promote Sidney Crosby like there is no tomorrow, well for the NHL maybe there isn't. The name Sidney is popular right now with that Sydney from the Alias show, Sydney, Australia I heard is pretty hot and Sidney Ponson, who could be a perfect ambassador for hockey. Not only cause he is greasy, but because he is fat and greasy which I think is a requirement to be an ambassador.
OK, tomorrow we will be touching on the KG trade from my T-Wolves to the Celtics….
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Blog Blitz: Tim D'oh-naghy
In our third scandal of the week we are going to tackle NBA referee Tim Donaghy and his charges against him of gambling on games he was referee and possibly influencing those games.
Personally i think the NBA really needs to upgrade their background checks before hiring these referees. According to my sources (none), all the NBA asked was to have been a referee before. What they didn't know was that his main referee experience was for the WWE (formally WWF). And if they did a financial background check they would have noticed that he deposited a lot of cash into his account at that time due to his betting on the matches, as he already knew the outcome. Wait you say the WWE isn't fixed, hmm that's weird, i thought people that thought that couldn't read.
Below are some other sporting events that he was referee, might have raised some flags?
Miracle On Ice - 1980: Yep, he was one of the referee's for this famous game. You could probably see he had some action on USA as he gave the USA 3 goals on what is normally called Icing and disallowed 2 of Russia's goals after he determined they were scored unfairly as they had more men on the ice than the USA, even though it was due to a penalty (probably to Jim Craig for getting hair grease on the ice).
Snow Plow Game - 1982: He didn't actually officiate in this game as he was an alternate official in case of injury, but that didn't stop him from affecting the outcome. In this game between Miami and New England there was a blizzard (I am guessing it was a Miami home game) which helped cause the teams to battle to a 0-0 score with seconds remaining. Well, Donaghy had money on New England so he hopped on the nearest snow plow tractor and blew off the spot where the NE Kicker needed to plant his foot.
NBA Summer League - 2007: He had some action against the Trailblazer's as evidenced by the 19 fouls he called on Greg Oden in two games for such infractions as "Looking like Cro-Magnon Man" and muttering "Me Swat Ball". The second one got him a technical.
Any Red Sox Playoff Game game prior to 2005: Him or elder family members are die-hard Yankee Fans (and what Yankee fan wouldn't cheat for his own benefit) and they have umpired in at least one playoff series that the Red Sox were involved in each year since 1918. As evidenced by the 1986 Red Sox playoff run where Donaghy was the umpire and called 124 consecutive strikes against the Sox, including some balls that hit the batter, bounced in the dirt and the one pitch that sailed over a batters head and into the stands.
So if the NBA had maybe taken a closer look at his background, they may not be in this situation.
Personally i think the NBA really needs to upgrade their background checks before hiring these referees. According to my sources (none), all the NBA asked was to have been a referee before. What they didn't know was that his main referee experience was for the WWE (formally WWF). And if they did a financial background check they would have noticed that he deposited a lot of cash into his account at that time due to his betting on the matches, as he already knew the outcome. Wait you say the WWE isn't fixed, hmm that's weird, i thought people that thought that couldn't read.
Below are some other sporting events that he was referee, might have raised some flags?
Miracle On Ice - 1980: Yep, he was one of the referee's for this famous game. You could probably see he had some action on USA as he gave the USA 3 goals on what is normally called Icing and disallowed 2 of Russia's goals after he determined they were scored unfairly as they had more men on the ice than the USA, even though it was due to a penalty (probably to Jim Craig for getting hair grease on the ice).
Snow Plow Game - 1982: He didn't actually officiate in this game as he was an alternate official in case of injury, but that didn't stop him from affecting the outcome. In this game between Miami and New England there was a blizzard (I am guessing it was a Miami home game) which helped cause the teams to battle to a 0-0 score with seconds remaining. Well, Donaghy had money on New England so he hopped on the nearest snow plow tractor and blew off the spot where the NE Kicker needed to plant his foot.
NBA Summer League - 2007: He had some action against the Trailblazer's as evidenced by the 19 fouls he called on Greg Oden in two games for such infractions as "Looking like Cro-Magnon Man" and muttering "Me Swat Ball". The second one got him a technical.
Any Red Sox Playoff Game game prior to 2005: Him or elder family members are die-hard Yankee Fans (and what Yankee fan wouldn't cheat for his own benefit) and they have umpired in at least one playoff series that the Red Sox were involved in each year since 1918. As evidenced by the 1986 Red Sox playoff run where Donaghy was the umpire and called 124 consecutive strikes against the Sox, including some balls that hit the batter, bounced in the dirt and the one pitch that sailed over a batters head and into the stands.
So if the NBA had maybe taken a closer look at his background, they may not be in this situation.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Blog Blitz: Selig's Daily Planner
As we all know, there is a certain ballplayer about to break a certain record. Yes, Luis Rodriguez of the Minnesota Twins is about to break the record of Least Valuable Player ever in MLB. All he needs is one more called 3rd strike with men on base to pass Alex Rodriguez.
OK, so really it is Barry Bonds and the home run record. We also know that Bud Selig does not want this to happen due to his man-crush on Hank Aaron and his complete denial that he had anything to do with steroids in baseball. Well, I was able to obtain Mr. Selig’s Daily Planner and it shows his master plan. First, for the past week or so it looks like he was trying to find a way to stop Bonds from passing the record and then when he realized none of these measures would work, he went forward with making plans on why he will not be there at the game to celebrate Bonds passing Aaron.
So here is what his daily planner shows:
July 16 @ Chicago: Devise plan to contract the SF Giants by Wednesday. Disperse players to Single A teams for the rest of the season.
July 17 @ Chicago: Try to get Colossal Jerk added to the list of banned substances with a penalty of 2 year ban for first time offenders. (Note: This rule doesn't apply to people in the commissioner’s office.
July 18 @ Chicago: Steal official record book for MLB and grab my trusty #2 pencil. Erase “San Francisco” from all of Bonds HR's while in SF, write “Yomiuri” in its place. He can be the HR King of Japan for all I care.
July 19 @ Chicago: Call up the rules committee. See if i can get each HR in the American League to count as 2 in the record books, that should move Harmon Killebrew and A-Rod, among others, ahead of him. We already have the DH thing, why not have one more difference between the leagues.
July 20 @ Milwaukee: Bonds comes to Milwaukee. Hop into my hip bright yellow VW Bug and try to run his Hummer off the road on the way to the game. If that doesn't work, get out my 3 Disc series on how to smile and watch twice as I need a refresher course.
July 21 @ Milwaukee: Show up in the visiting clubhouse and offer Bonds a cup of my famous Coffee with “Clear Cream”. After he takes a sip yell “Random Test! Random Test! Drug Testers Test Him Right Now!!” HeHeHe.
July 22 @ Milwaukee: Sneak into visiting clubhouse during the game. Grab Bonds phone. Dial Michael Vick several times and leave the message "Where is the dogfight tonight? I want to put $4k down on your dog. Call me back."
July 23 vs Atlanta: OK, none of those worked, time to come up with some excuses for this week. Call him and tell him i am meeting with George Mitchell today and that we can stop by the park if he would like as George would like to speak with him. That should get me out of that game.
July 24 vs Atlanta: Call Bonds and tell him that due to immense pressure from different groups, that I have decided to have a one game protest of baseball due to the Braves nickname and the Tomahawk Chop to get them off my back. (Reminder: Call Braves owner and tell him i am not really protesting. Give him an extra percentage of Revenue Sharing. Heck we can take it from the Royals, they are a large market team, at least that is what i am going to tell the public when we try to contract them and the owners haven't been spending money to win.)
July 25 vs Atlanta: Tell him today is the one day a year that I get my hair styled. It is done by Old Man Cocherty, the oldest living barber known, at 113 years old. He really keeps me hip.
July 26 vs Atlanta: Day Game – This is an easy one. Tell Bonds that everyone knows I am not allowed to go outside during the day or I will melt. I have no doubt he will believe this one.
July 27 vs Florida: Catch flight to Miami for Bond’s game with the Marlins. Upon landing, look at schedule and say to myself, “Oops, I guess the game is a home game in SF…My Bad.” Call Bonds with the same story. Hit South Beach to pick me up some chick-a-dee’s. The ladies dig the farmers tan and glasses look i here. (Reminder: Pack black socks and sandals for the beach.)
July 28 vs Florida: Fly back to SF and hop on the BART train. “Accidentally" take it to Oakland instead of SF. Call Bonds to tell him of the mix up and say I will be watching on the Jumbo-Tron at Oakland stadium as the BART would be too busy to make it back for the game at this time of day. Catch the A’s game where the only thing that is juiced is Billy Beane’s ego.
July 29 vs Florida: Call and tell him that in Florida it is Nat'l Retirement Day where they support all of their retiree's and i just assumed that the whole Giant roster took a vacation day to support it, as the average age of the Giants roster is near 62.4 years old, and didn't play. Tell him i did go over to the Old Country Buffet to meet up with the team, but must have just missed you.
July 30 Off Day: Show up at stadium. Call Bonds and ask where he is, i really want to see the record broken.
OK, so really it is Barry Bonds and the home run record. We also know that Bud Selig does not want this to happen due to his man-crush on Hank Aaron and his complete denial that he had anything to do with steroids in baseball. Well, I was able to obtain Mr. Selig’s Daily Planner and it shows his master plan. First, for the past week or so it looks like he was trying to find a way to stop Bonds from passing the record and then when he realized none of these measures would work, he went forward with making plans on why he will not be there at the game to celebrate Bonds passing Aaron.
So here is what his daily planner shows:
July 16 @ Chicago: Devise plan to contract the SF Giants by Wednesday. Disperse players to Single A teams for the rest of the season.
July 17 @ Chicago: Try to get Colossal Jerk added to the list of banned substances with a penalty of 2 year ban for first time offenders. (Note: This rule doesn't apply to people in the commissioner’s office.
July 18 @ Chicago: Steal official record book for MLB and grab my trusty #2 pencil. Erase “San Francisco” from all of Bonds HR's while in SF, write “Yomiuri” in its place. He can be the HR King of Japan for all I care.
July 19 @ Chicago: Call up the rules committee. See if i can get each HR in the American League to count as 2 in the record books, that should move Harmon Killebrew and A-Rod, among others, ahead of him. We already have the DH thing, why not have one more difference between the leagues.
July 20 @ Milwaukee: Bonds comes to Milwaukee. Hop into my hip bright yellow VW Bug and try to run his Hummer off the road on the way to the game. If that doesn't work, get out my 3 Disc series on how to smile and watch twice as I need a refresher course.
July 21 @ Milwaukee: Show up in the visiting clubhouse and offer Bonds a cup of my famous Coffee with “Clear Cream”. After he takes a sip yell “Random Test! Random Test! Drug Testers Test Him Right Now!!” HeHeHe.
July 22 @ Milwaukee: Sneak into visiting clubhouse during the game. Grab Bonds phone. Dial Michael Vick several times and leave the message "Where is the dogfight tonight? I want to put $4k down on your dog. Call me back."
July 23 vs Atlanta: OK, none of those worked, time to come up with some excuses for this week. Call him and tell him i am meeting with George Mitchell today and that we can stop by the park if he would like as George would like to speak with him. That should get me out of that game.
July 24 vs Atlanta: Call Bonds and tell him that due to immense pressure from different groups, that I have decided to have a one game protest of baseball due to the Braves nickname and the Tomahawk Chop to get them off my back. (Reminder: Call Braves owner and tell him i am not really protesting. Give him an extra percentage of Revenue Sharing. Heck we can take it from the Royals, they are a large market team, at least that is what i am going to tell the public when we try to contract them and the owners haven't been spending money to win.)
July 25 vs Atlanta: Tell him today is the one day a year that I get my hair styled. It is done by Old Man Cocherty, the oldest living barber known, at 113 years old. He really keeps me hip.
July 26 vs Atlanta: Day Game – This is an easy one. Tell Bonds that everyone knows I am not allowed to go outside during the day or I will melt. I have no doubt he will believe this one.
July 27 vs Florida: Catch flight to Miami for Bond’s game with the Marlins. Upon landing, look at schedule and say to myself, “Oops, I guess the game is a home game in SF…My Bad.” Call Bonds with the same story. Hit South Beach to pick me up some chick-a-dee’s. The ladies dig the farmers tan and glasses look i here. (Reminder: Pack black socks and sandals for the beach.)
July 28 vs Florida: Fly back to SF and hop on the BART train. “Accidentally" take it to Oakland instead of SF. Call Bonds to tell him of the mix up and say I will be watching on the Jumbo-Tron at Oakland stadium as the BART would be too busy to make it back for the game at this time of day. Catch the A’s game where the only thing that is juiced is Billy Beane’s ego.
July 29 vs Florida: Call and tell him that in Florida it is Nat'l Retirement Day where they support all of their retiree's and i just assumed that the whole Giant roster took a vacation day to support it, as the average age of the Giants roster is near 62.4 years old, and didn't play. Tell him i did go over to the Old Country Buffet to meet up with the team, but must have just missed you.
July 30 Off Day: Show up at stadium. Call Bonds and ask where he is, i really want to see the record broken.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Blog Blitz - Starting With the Vick Situation
Alright, for you 6 fans, i am going to do a blog blitz this week covering all of the major North American sports and their major issue going on this week. Yes, this does include hockey, and you say "What scandal/situation does hockey have?", you will find out later this week. And the rest of you say "Major Sport?" and i did say North American and i think that does include our neighbor Mexico in which hockey is huge.
We are going to start with the Michael Vick situation, and situation may be putting it a little bit too loosely. I would recap the story for you, but if you don't know it by now, you probably have stumbled upon the wrong blog and were probably looking for the blog supporting former Detroit Tiger Robert Fick.
So today, everyone seems to want to distant themselves from Mr Vick, lets take a look at all of the people/groups trying to distance themselves from Vick since the news came out:
NFL: Commissioner Roger Goodall issued a statement today informing Michael Vick not to show up at camp on Thursday. Way to lay down the law Commish. Since he is due in court that day in Virginia, there was a really good chance he wasn't going to show up in Georgia anyways. My guess is on Thursday he will say not to show up this week or next at all and then send Mikey a text that says "Seriously dude, the weather here is really bad, you don't want to come anywhere near here. Also don't turn on your TV, as you might attract one of the lightning bolts to your home." (not going to comment on Vick's Response)
Atlanta Falcons: Owner Arthur Blank had a press conference today and said "Well we would have suspended him and we were ready to, but the commish stepped in and told him not to show up to training camp." He added, "This allowed us to focus our time trying to find a spot in the Home Depot network for Joey Harrington that doesn't include the words Quarter or Back. We are hoping he accepts a position as a overnight stock boy in our Dubuque, Iowa store"
Nike: Well, not exactly. They removed the items from their website for a bit today, but everything else remained in the stores. Tomorrow i am sure a memo goes out to all stores that carry their products that says "All Salespeople: Please remove the V from all Vick Jerseys and try to sell the jersey's to these stupid kids and say that some Ick guy was drafted by Pittsburgh and he is the next big thing" Cause you know, Nike is pretty much evil and all.
Vick's Mom: She has told her son not to report to Thanksgiving. Marcus is going to carve the turkey this year. Let's just assume a double homicide is involved by willingly giving Marcus a knife, and I think that is a fair assumption. Would his crime be worse than Ookie's? (you didn't think this site would make you think did you?, provide answers in the comment section)
Ron Mexico: It is reported his alias with herpes has severed his ties with Vick, except for the herpes of course which they both still share.
Pacman Jones: He was reached early this morning at the Kitty Kat Club in Nome, Alaska and had this to say. "Let's try and see Goodall find me here, these Eskimo chicks is hot! And they only have spears, ha, they don't know what they are in for" When informed we didn't ask him about him and instead about Vick he claimed "Oh sorry man, That is some sick s**t, i don't condone...wait...you say it is some bitc*es fighting for money, give me some of that, i am in, let me catch the next canoe out of here."
Todd McClure: The Falcon Center had this to say "Lets just say i was a little relieved when i heard he wouldn't be coming to camp after the allegations. Ya know, lets say i gave up a sack on the previous play. I would probably be sweating coming out of the huddle not knowing what he was going to do to me once i bent over as i was not prepared to fight. I would be freaking out man. Now all i have to worry about is recovering Joey's botched snaps."
So this is the first run of people who are trying to distant themselves from Vick. This is also the first installment of the week of the Blog Blitz. There will be 2 tomorrow and a few more later in the week.
We are going to start with the Michael Vick situation, and situation may be putting it a little bit too loosely. I would recap the story for you, but if you don't know it by now, you probably have stumbled upon the wrong blog and were probably looking for the blog supporting former Detroit Tiger Robert Fick.
So today, everyone seems to want to distant themselves from Mr Vick, lets take a look at all of the people/groups trying to distance themselves from Vick since the news came out:
NFL: Commissioner Roger Goodall issued a statement today informing Michael Vick not to show up at camp on Thursday. Way to lay down the law Commish. Since he is due in court that day in Virginia, there was a really good chance he wasn't going to show up in Georgia anyways. My guess is on Thursday he will say not to show up this week or next at all and then send Mikey a text that says "Seriously dude, the weather here is really bad, you don't want to come anywhere near here. Also don't turn on your TV, as you might attract one of the lightning bolts to your home." (not going to comment on Vick's Response)
Atlanta Falcons: Owner Arthur Blank had a press conference today and said "Well we would have suspended him and we were ready to, but the commish stepped in and told him not to show up to training camp." He added, "This allowed us to focus our time trying to find a spot in the Home Depot network for Joey Harrington that doesn't include the words Quarter or Back. We are hoping he accepts a position as a overnight stock boy in our Dubuque, Iowa store"
Nike: Well, not exactly. They removed the items from their website for a bit today, but everything else remained in the stores. Tomorrow i am sure a memo goes out to all stores that carry their products that says "All Salespeople: Please remove the V from all Vick Jerseys and try to sell the jersey's to these stupid kids and say that some Ick guy was drafted by Pittsburgh and he is the next big thing" Cause you know, Nike is pretty much evil and all.
Vick's Mom: She has told her son not to report to Thanksgiving. Marcus is going to carve the turkey this year. Let's just assume a double homicide is involved by willingly giving Marcus a knife, and I think that is a fair assumption. Would his crime be worse than Ookie's? (you didn't think this site would make you think did you?, provide answers in the comment section)
Ron Mexico: It is reported his alias with herpes has severed his ties with Vick, except for the herpes of course which they both still share.
Pacman Jones: He was reached early this morning at the Kitty Kat Club in Nome, Alaska and had this to say. "Let's try and see Goodall find me here, these Eskimo chicks is hot! And they only have spears, ha, they don't know what they are in for" When informed we didn't ask him about him and instead about Vick he claimed "Oh sorry man, That is some sick s**t, i don't condone...wait...you say it is some bitc*es fighting for money, give me some of that, i am in, let me catch the next canoe out of here."
Todd McClure: The Falcon Center had this to say "Lets just say i was a little relieved when i heard he wouldn't be coming to camp after the allegations. Ya know, lets say i gave up a sack on the previous play. I would probably be sweating coming out of the huddle not knowing what he was going to do to me once i bent over as i was not prepared to fight. I would be freaking out man. Now all i have to worry about is recovering Joey's botched snaps."
So this is the first run of people who are trying to distant themselves from Vick. This is also the first installment of the week of the Blog Blitz. There will be 2 tomorrow and a few more later in the week.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Quick Headlines - 7/18/07
Though the major story going on in sports today in about Vick, you know, Marcus Vick and what he is actually going to do to try and top his brother in the coming weeks, there are some other stories that need some attention.
There is no E in Milwauk
6th round draft pick Yi (he is now on a first name basis with me) and his handlers has decided that it wouldn't be best for his commercial development to play for the Bucks. Originally they said his development as a player and now the truth comes out. So basically they are saying that we know he sucks and has only played against stationary chairs, but his hype has never been higher so we better hit it big with sponsorships in LA, NY or Oklahoma City (Bob's Burger Barn pays really well for commercials i hear and once he becomes the biggest bust in NBA history, he could have a job getting stuff off shelves for the cooks and stuff) before the US realizes he is the Chinese version of Felton Spencer. If i were Milwaukee i would say too bad, either you come play for us or you don't play at all, and if you play at all in China, we will retain your rights next year too.
Daunte's Inferno is more like an Iceberg
Culpepper was finally released today by the Dolphins after getting beat out for the QB position by a 39-year old, before actually taking any snaps. Not sure what the current market in the NFL is for an aging QB, who hasn't had a good season in 3 years, is known for his running skills but has had major knee surgery in the past couple of years. It can't be very good...wait...what is that...Matt Millen is on Line 1 for Daunte...One Minute
Someone told me today that there was a professional Soccer, i mean Futbol, League in the USA...No Way
This is just shocking news, this is some crazy adventure. I have been watching ESPN constantly over the past week and haven't seen any highlights or any news about soccer. You know what would be cool? If they could get that Spice Girls husband to come play over here, what, he did, how come nobody reported this at all. It could be the story of the year, a major over the hill soccer player, signing an incredibly large deal to play a sport that has roughly 14 die hard fans. At what point did sports media intersect with Access Hollywood type reporting? I blame that weasel Pat O'Brien, used to do sports, now does Nat'l Enquirer type reporting and all of a sudden you have Peter Gammons doing a story on A-Dud's wife rather than reporting about the game, or the player, or the stats, or anything to actually do with sports. Arrggghh.
Ok, i told you it would be quick, just like my first 14 girlfriends. (and yes, i am only on number 12)
There is no E in Milwauk
6th round draft pick Yi (he is now on a first name basis with me) and his handlers has decided that it wouldn't be best for his commercial development to play for the Bucks. Originally they said his development as a player and now the truth comes out. So basically they are saying that we know he sucks and has only played against stationary chairs, but his hype has never been higher so we better hit it big with sponsorships in LA, NY or Oklahoma City (Bob's Burger Barn pays really well for commercials i hear and once he becomes the biggest bust in NBA history, he could have a job getting stuff off shelves for the cooks and stuff) before the US realizes he is the Chinese version of Felton Spencer. If i were Milwaukee i would say too bad, either you come play for us or you don't play at all, and if you play at all in China, we will retain your rights next year too.
Daunte's Inferno is more like an Iceberg
Culpepper was finally released today by the Dolphins after getting beat out for the QB position by a 39-year old, before actually taking any snaps. Not sure what the current market in the NFL is for an aging QB, who hasn't had a good season in 3 years, is known for his running skills but has had major knee surgery in the past couple of years. It can't be very good...wait...what is that...Matt Millen is on Line 1 for Daunte...One Minute
Someone told me today that there was a professional Soccer, i mean Futbol, League in the USA...No Way
This is just shocking news, this is some crazy adventure. I have been watching ESPN constantly over the past week and haven't seen any highlights or any news about soccer. You know what would be cool? If they could get that Spice Girls husband to come play over here, what, he did, how come nobody reported this at all. It could be the story of the year, a major over the hill soccer player, signing an incredibly large deal to play a sport that has roughly 14 die hard fans. At what point did sports media intersect with Access Hollywood type reporting? I blame that weasel Pat O'Brien, used to do sports, now does Nat'l Enquirer type reporting and all of a sudden you have Peter Gammons doing a story on A-Dud's wife rather than reporting about the game, or the player, or the stats, or anything to actually do with sports. Arrggghh.
Ok, i told you it would be quick, just like my first 14 girlfriends. (and yes, i am only on number 12)
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Vick Not A Big Fan Of Scooby-Doo as a Child
As reported today, Michael Vick has been indicted stemming from charges related to owning a home and participating in dog fighting. Lets take a look at the details, as they might appear on a law document or something lawyerish:
A. Indicted by a FEDERAL grand jury: The key here is Federal. If it wasn't a federal case then Vick could assume that in a trial by his local peers, his lawyers could probably drum up several Atlanta Falcon's loving, PETA hating locals on the jury, it is the South.
B. He plays for the Falcon's: Now i know you can't tell what that thing on the Atlanta helmet is, nobody can, and in all honesty it kind of scares me. Kinda like the greeter's at team owner Arthur Blanks Wal-Mart store, it is that scary. Anyways, i know the Vick's don't show the best decision-making abilities, but it is somewhat hypocritical to claim you love the Falcon's but hate dogs isn't it?
C. Marcus Vick: I have to believe that maybe the often in trouble little brother of Michael, who was better than his brother at one thing at VA Tech, crimes, has a little bit of a smile going on today. He may not be the Black Sheep anymore...of course that is until maybe tomorrow when his next crime is scheduled.
D. The Charges: Indicted for conspiracy to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and to sponsor a dog in animal fighting. The first charge brings up to 5 years and a $250k fine and the second a $100k fine and up to 1 year. This is some serious stuff and i am sure that Rae Carruth is salivating right now looking for the opportunity to have Vick as his QB in the prison league for the next 6 years, well that, and because his 345lb cellmate has asked him to salivate.
E. Where: It is reported that the fighting occurred in matches with purses ranging from 100's to 1000's of dollars in NC, SC, MD, VA, and NJ. The charges in NJ are expected to be dropped once they realize that it was just a dog attacking a local.
F. Vick's Family: A woman at the home of Vick's mother claimed that they knew nothing of the charges. At least that is what the caller thought she said as he couldn't hear because of the all the noise of dogs growling and yelping in pain in the background.
G. The Details: Due to the horrifying and despicable details of the charge i will not discuss these here other than they disgust me to my core in many ways.
H. Roger Goodall & The NFL: The only comment so far has been that they are disappointed that he has put himself in a situation where a federal grand jury has returned an indictment against him. I am thinking with Roger's new get tough policy, he wont suspend him, but rather have him complete any Fear Factor challenge ever aired that involved the police dogs, minus the safety gear, and with a pound of pot tied to his, well, mid section.
I. Bad Newz Kennels: Lets see, first, wouldn't the authorities look at the name of this company and kinda wonder about its activities. I am pretty sure old Mildred out in the suburbs is not taking Pookie the Poodle here when she heads to Branson on vacation. Secondly, Vick himself calls his hometown, Newport News, BadNews on his website. I guess 2 & 2 sometimes equals -2395 when it comes VA investigators.
J. Atlanta Falcons: They traded away Matt Schaub, brought in Joey Harrington, Kept Michael Vick. When did Matt Millen take over the Falcons. I cant see how the Falcon's can do better than 4-12 this season (unless they play the Raiders 5 times this year) with all this hanging over the head of their QB. Granted, he wasn't a very good QB to begin with and was wildly overrated by all media, if you look at his stats he is somewhere between Eli Manning and his little sister (and for the first time ever i don't mean Peyton (a girls name, so i could see how you might be confused) but his actual 12-year old sister, the 12 year old sister being the better QB of the 2 of course. (by the way, no research has been done as to whether Eli has a little sister, or if he is actually the little sister of his sister Peyton)
K. Fantasy Impact: Can only be humorous for your draft. Prepare your jokes now for the guy or gal who drafts him and says "I cant believe he is still on the board" in the 3rd round. By the way, this is the guy/gal you want to screw over on trades later in the year as he/she doesn't pay attention to whats going on, and is probably the most cocky guy/gal in your league. Actually why do you have this person in your league, kick them out now. Really, this person needs to be ridiculed on your fantasy site daily, hopefully they end up completely insane from all the ribbing that they go insane and walk into work naked or something, at least that's what i hope happens in my league with Jessica Alba.
So, there is the break down of the breaking news.
A. Indicted by a FEDERAL grand jury: The key here is Federal. If it wasn't a federal case then Vick could assume that in a trial by his local peers, his lawyers could probably drum up several Atlanta Falcon's loving, PETA hating locals on the jury, it is the South.
B. He plays for the Falcon's: Now i know you can't tell what that thing on the Atlanta helmet is, nobody can, and in all honesty it kind of scares me. Kinda like the greeter's at team owner Arthur Blanks Wal-Mart store, it is that scary. Anyways, i know the Vick's don't show the best decision-making abilities, but it is somewhat hypocritical to claim you love the Falcon's but hate dogs isn't it?
C. Marcus Vick: I have to believe that maybe the often in trouble little brother of Michael, who was better than his brother at one thing at VA Tech, crimes, has a little bit of a smile going on today. He may not be the Black Sheep anymore...of course that is until maybe tomorrow when his next crime is scheduled.
D. The Charges: Indicted for conspiracy to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and to sponsor a dog in animal fighting. The first charge brings up to 5 years and a $250k fine and the second a $100k fine and up to 1 year. This is some serious stuff and i am sure that Rae Carruth is salivating right now looking for the opportunity to have Vick as his QB in the prison league for the next 6 years, well that, and because his 345lb cellmate has asked him to salivate.
E. Where: It is reported that the fighting occurred in matches with purses ranging from 100's to 1000's of dollars in NC, SC, MD, VA, and NJ. The charges in NJ are expected to be dropped once they realize that it was just a dog attacking a local.
F. Vick's Family: A woman at the home of Vick's mother claimed that they knew nothing of the charges. At least that is what the caller thought she said as he couldn't hear because of the all the noise of dogs growling and yelping in pain in the background.
G. The Details: Due to the horrifying and despicable details of the charge i will not discuss these here other than they disgust me to my core in many ways.
H. Roger Goodall & The NFL: The only comment so far has been that they are disappointed that he has put himself in a situation where a federal grand jury has returned an indictment against him. I am thinking with Roger's new get tough policy, he wont suspend him, but rather have him complete any Fear Factor challenge ever aired that involved the police dogs, minus the safety gear, and with a pound of pot tied to his, well, mid section.
I. Bad Newz Kennels: Lets see, first, wouldn't the authorities look at the name of this company and kinda wonder about its activities. I am pretty sure old Mildred out in the suburbs is not taking Pookie the Poodle here when she heads to Branson on vacation. Secondly, Vick himself calls his hometown, Newport News, BadNews on his website. I guess 2 & 2 sometimes equals -2395 when it comes VA investigators.
J. Atlanta Falcons: They traded away Matt Schaub, brought in Joey Harrington, Kept Michael Vick. When did Matt Millen take over the Falcons. I cant see how the Falcon's can do better than 4-12 this season (unless they play the Raiders 5 times this year) with all this hanging over the head of their QB. Granted, he wasn't a very good QB to begin with and was wildly overrated by all media, if you look at his stats he is somewhere between Eli Manning and his little sister (and for the first time ever i don't mean Peyton (a girls name, so i could see how you might be confused) but his actual 12-year old sister, the 12 year old sister being the better QB of the 2 of course. (by the way, no research has been done as to whether Eli has a little sister, or if he is actually the little sister of his sister Peyton)
K. Fantasy Impact: Can only be humorous for your draft. Prepare your jokes now for the guy or gal who drafts him and says "I cant believe he is still on the board" in the 3rd round. By the way, this is the guy/gal you want to screw over on trades later in the year as he/she doesn't pay attention to whats going on, and is probably the most cocky guy/gal in your league. Actually why do you have this person in your league, kick them out now. Really, this person needs to be ridiculed on your fantasy site daily, hopefully they end up completely insane from all the ribbing that they go insane and walk into work naked or something, at least that's what i hope happens in my league with Jessica Alba.
So, there is the break down of the breaking news.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Twins Mid Season Report Card - Part II
Alright, time to do the mid-season report on the Twins Pitchers so far:
SP:
Johan Santana - Umm...what do you say. Lets see, he has 6 losses, haha. OK. Santana has been Santana and this may be another year where he is awesome and misses out on the Cy Young again, but unlike last time it might be because there are other pitchers pitching just as well like Haren, Verlander, CC "Wear your freakin' cap right" Sabathia and Carl Pavano (by not pitching at all, he deserves consideration).
Carlos Silva - He has pitched pretty good, but really are you going to the playoffs with Carlos Silva as one of your top 12 pitchers, heck, are you going to the playoffs if Carlos Silva is one of your top 23 pitchers?
Boof - He is now on first name status with us Twins fans. Really good SO pitcher but unfortunately he is also a pretty good Walk pitcher.
Scott Baker - Feast or Famine with this youngster. Either he is giving up 1 run or 9, there is no in-between. So basically Gardy should take him out after his 2nd run given up, even if it is after 2 batters. Was the winner in the Twins 20-14 win last week, which is quite impressive in itself.
Kevin Slowey - May be the first 3-0 pitcher to give up 13 HR's in 37 innings. I bet Santana might curse his run support a little bit. Part of the Twins future rotation barring Terry Ryan signing Jim Palmer and Steve Carlton next year.
Matt Garza - Another pitcher of the future and his 0.00 ERA is quite nice, but his 1 game pitched was a 12-0 2nd game of a DH where the White Sox lost the first game 20-14 and might have lost the will to live.
Sidney Ponson - Just kidding, not an actual pitcher on the Twins roster was he? I think it was a nightmare that i saw some sweaty, greasy, fat guy who doesn't shower and was just promoted from the KFC league pitching for the Twins this year.
RP:
Joe Nathan - Doing another great job this year but Gardy has me worried. 37.1 IP in 36 appearances, whats with the extra 1.1 innings? Your going to wear him out. Did pitch in the 12-0 game which i am not sure he was needed or have the save rules changed to 12 or less run lead when facing the White Sox?
Pat Neshek - Has developed his own little cult with his sidearm delivery and his own website. I haven't seen the site yet but can only imagine that their is a ton of porn links on there due to the number of visitors.
Matt Guerrier - Has developed into a nice little reliever for the Twins only giving up 34 Hits in 53 Innings. Most of those hits came early in the year when he relieved Ponson and Ponson got his grease all over the Rosin bag.
Juan Rincon - Used to be the set-up guy, but now has moved to the earlier innings due to a certain 10-game layoff that he got awhile ago.
Ramon Ortiz - Leads the team in HBP and number of TV's turned off once they realize he is starting or coming into the game.
Glen Perkins - Another part of our future rotation. Been injured most of the year which has limited his G stat (games). Yeah, couldn't think of anything else to say about him.
Denis Reyes - Handles the overweight, old, lefty requirement for each team in the league.
There you go...back to other stories after the All-Star break
SP:
Johan Santana - Umm...what do you say. Lets see, he has 6 losses, haha. OK. Santana has been Santana and this may be another year where he is awesome and misses out on the Cy Young again, but unlike last time it might be because there are other pitchers pitching just as well like Haren, Verlander, CC "Wear your freakin' cap right" Sabathia and Carl Pavano (by not pitching at all, he deserves consideration).
Carlos Silva - He has pitched pretty good, but really are you going to the playoffs with Carlos Silva as one of your top 12 pitchers, heck, are you going to the playoffs if Carlos Silva is one of your top 23 pitchers?
Boof - He is now on first name status with us Twins fans. Really good SO pitcher but unfortunately he is also a pretty good Walk pitcher.
Scott Baker - Feast or Famine with this youngster. Either he is giving up 1 run or 9, there is no in-between. So basically Gardy should take him out after his 2nd run given up, even if it is after 2 batters. Was the winner in the Twins 20-14 win last week, which is quite impressive in itself.
Kevin Slowey - May be the first 3-0 pitcher to give up 13 HR's in 37 innings. I bet Santana might curse his run support a little bit. Part of the Twins future rotation barring Terry Ryan signing Jim Palmer and Steve Carlton next year.
Matt Garza - Another pitcher of the future and his 0.00 ERA is quite nice, but his 1 game pitched was a 12-0 2nd game of a DH where the White Sox lost the first game 20-14 and might have lost the will to live.
Sidney Ponson - Just kidding, not an actual pitcher on the Twins roster was he? I think it was a nightmare that i saw some sweaty, greasy, fat guy who doesn't shower and was just promoted from the KFC league pitching for the Twins this year.
RP:
Joe Nathan - Doing another great job this year but Gardy has me worried. 37.1 IP in 36 appearances, whats with the extra 1.1 innings? Your going to wear him out. Did pitch in the 12-0 game which i am not sure he was needed or have the save rules changed to 12 or less run lead when facing the White Sox?
Pat Neshek - Has developed his own little cult with his sidearm delivery and his own website. I haven't seen the site yet but can only imagine that their is a ton of porn links on there due to the number of visitors.
Matt Guerrier - Has developed into a nice little reliever for the Twins only giving up 34 Hits in 53 Innings. Most of those hits came early in the year when he relieved Ponson and Ponson got his grease all over the Rosin bag.
Juan Rincon - Used to be the set-up guy, but now has moved to the earlier innings due to a certain 10-game layoff that he got awhile ago.
Ramon Ortiz - Leads the team in HBP and number of TV's turned off once they realize he is starting or coming into the game.
Glen Perkins - Another part of our future rotation. Been injured most of the year which has limited his G stat (games). Yeah, couldn't think of anything else to say about him.
Denis Reyes - Handles the overweight, old, lefty requirement for each team in the league.
There you go...back to other stories after the All-Star break
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Minnesota Twins Mid-Season Report Card
As many of you 3 readers know, i am a fan of the MN Twins baseball club. So here is my mid-season review of the team.
Catcher:
Joe Mauer - Has been limited by injuries (though my insiders tell me that someone shaved his sideburns and therefore he didn't want to be seen in public). He leads the team in BA, OBP and # of hot dogs purchased for Sidney Ponson mid-game. Grade: B+
Mike Redmond - Leads team in naked locker room jaunts and number of stitches required per Jim Thome At Bats. Grade: B
Chris Heintz - In one of Gardy's continuing traditions of keeping 3 catchers for no reason at all, Heintz has mustered up 25 AB's, which i am sure have scared the opposing pitchers due to his 6 singles. We know singles lead to runs, or is that walks, which he has two. Really, what pitcher would walk Chris Heintz, he should be demoted right after the pitch. Grade: D+
First Base:
Justin Morneau - Last name is Canadian for, well, Morneau. Has 23 home runs and just celebrated his 100th HR with 3 against the White Sox. After hearing of his 100 HR's, Barry Bonds sent him a Cyanide and Steroid laced Angel Food Cake. Grade: A
Second Base:
Luis Castillo - Lets see, one of the fastest guys on the team yet he has less doubles than Mike Redmond. Of his 88 hits, 78 have been bunt singles. Also seems to like to pull his groin at night. Grade: C+
Alex Casilla: Lets see, 4 SB's in 10 hits. Only up for a short time but shouldn't he really be taking a spot on the roster from Loser-Rod? Grade: B-
Shortstop:
Jason Bartlett: After being moved into the 2nd spot in the batting order he has been on fire. Has 17 SB's in 18 attempts, the only time he got caught was when half way through the stolen base he started laughing realizing that Nick Punto is their 3B and doubled over in laughter. Grade: B+
Third Base:
Luick Puntguez: Combined average of about .200, 3 HR's, basically what you expect out of the non-power position of 3B. Grade: F-
Outfield:
Torii Hunter: The unfortunately soon to be ex-Twin (way to pony up Carl) leads the team in Hits, Doubles and times caught stealing. In a contract year he has put up the best numbers of his career so far, solution, sign him to a 1-year contract. Grade: A-
Michael Cuddyer: Not off to the power surge that he had last year with only 10 HR's. It is obvious he misses Phil Nevin batting behind him. B-
Jason Tyner: Umm, really. We have given 142 AB's to this guy. Spent a lot of time as our DH which is suppose to be a power position. The chances of him hitting a home run increase slightly if the game was played on the moon. Grade: D
Jason Kubel: I am one of the biggest fans of this guy. I will admit part of it is cause he doesn't seem to like to shave and possibly cause he is lazy, just like me. Still, he has the potential to be the next link to a power type lineup, should say we acquire Gay-Rod, Ryne Sandberg and Babe Ruth to DH. Grade: B+
Lew Ford: I know fans love to yell "Lew" but unless you cheer for strikeouts and sitting on the bench, you probably wont hear this. Grade: C-
Rondell White: Only has 1 hit, though he has been limited to 3 games due to injury. My guess is that his hit total would be close if he had played the whole season so far. Grade: D-
Josh Rabe: 6 singles, 7 strikeouts, 0 extra base hits. What we expected. Grade: C
Designated Hitter:
Jeff Cirillo: Can play any infield position and unfortunately our best DH option. Been injured but still is tied for 6th in the team lead with 2 HR's. Grade B-
OK, we will update the pitchers later this week...
Catcher:
Joe Mauer - Has been limited by injuries (though my insiders tell me that someone shaved his sideburns and therefore he didn't want to be seen in public). He leads the team in BA, OBP and # of hot dogs purchased for Sidney Ponson mid-game. Grade: B+
Mike Redmond - Leads team in naked locker room jaunts and number of stitches required per Jim Thome At Bats. Grade: B
Chris Heintz - In one of Gardy's continuing traditions of keeping 3 catchers for no reason at all, Heintz has mustered up 25 AB's, which i am sure have scared the opposing pitchers due to his 6 singles. We know singles lead to runs, or is that walks, which he has two. Really, what pitcher would walk Chris Heintz, he should be demoted right after the pitch. Grade: D+
First Base:
Justin Morneau - Last name is Canadian for, well, Morneau. Has 23 home runs and just celebrated his 100th HR with 3 against the White Sox. After hearing of his 100 HR's, Barry Bonds sent him a Cyanide and Steroid laced Angel Food Cake. Grade: A
Second Base:
Luis Castillo - Lets see, one of the fastest guys on the team yet he has less doubles than Mike Redmond. Of his 88 hits, 78 have been bunt singles. Also seems to like to pull his groin at night. Grade: C+
Alex Casilla: Lets see, 4 SB's in 10 hits. Only up for a short time but shouldn't he really be taking a spot on the roster from Loser-Rod? Grade: B-
Shortstop:
Jason Bartlett: After being moved into the 2nd spot in the batting order he has been on fire. Has 17 SB's in 18 attempts, the only time he got caught was when half way through the stolen base he started laughing realizing that Nick Punto is their 3B and doubled over in laughter. Grade: B+
Third Base:
Luick Puntguez: Combined average of about .200, 3 HR's, basically what you expect out of the non-power position of 3B. Grade: F-
Outfield:
Torii Hunter: The unfortunately soon to be ex-Twin (way to pony up Carl) leads the team in Hits, Doubles and times caught stealing. In a contract year he has put up the best numbers of his career so far, solution, sign him to a 1-year contract. Grade: A-
Michael Cuddyer: Not off to the power surge that he had last year with only 10 HR's. It is obvious he misses Phil Nevin batting behind him. B-
Jason Tyner: Umm, really. We have given 142 AB's to this guy. Spent a lot of time as our DH which is suppose to be a power position. The chances of him hitting a home run increase slightly if the game was played on the moon. Grade: D
Jason Kubel: I am one of the biggest fans of this guy. I will admit part of it is cause he doesn't seem to like to shave and possibly cause he is lazy, just like me. Still, he has the potential to be the next link to a power type lineup, should say we acquire Gay-Rod, Ryne Sandberg and Babe Ruth to DH. Grade: B+
Lew Ford: I know fans love to yell "Lew" but unless you cheer for strikeouts and sitting on the bench, you probably wont hear this. Grade: C-
Rondell White: Only has 1 hit, though he has been limited to 3 games due to injury. My guess is that his hit total would be close if he had played the whole season so far. Grade: D-
Josh Rabe: 6 singles, 7 strikeouts, 0 extra base hits. What we expected. Grade: C
Designated Hitter:
Jeff Cirillo: Can play any infield position and unfortunately our best DH option. Been injured but still is tied for 6th in the team lead with 2 HR's. Grade B-
OK, we will update the pitchers later this week...
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
All Star Game Bonanza
All right, we are going to break it down position by position with a "Most Likely To" comment for next weeks MLB All-Star game to predict the winner, well if Bud Selig doesn't run out on the field in the 1st inning and declare it a tie.
CATCHER:
AL: Ivan Rodriguez - I am pretty sure this selection is because its the only recognizable name on the ballot (hence his 12 all-star selections). I thought the female vote might overtake him this year with Joe Mauer and his dreamy sideburns, but alas no.
Most Likely To: Accidentally substitute his over 55 vitamins with Viagra and hit a home run without a bat.
NL: Russell Martin - Was able to get voted in due to the huge push of the 17 Canadian baseball fans.
Most Likely To: Been seen out in McCovey's Cove on a yacht. Aren't all guys named Russell yachtsmen?
Advantage: AL, Ivan vs Russell, c'mon.
1B:
AL: David Ortiz - Hmm, only one Boston starter and 3 Yankee starters even though the Yankees are under .500. Might be a good time to take that vacation to Laos that you have been saving up for as America will be in Red Level Red Sox Fan Whining Threat Mode.
Most Likely To: Need to print out MapQuest directions to find first base.
NL: Prince Fielder - The son of former famous Hot Dog Eating Contest participant Cecil Fielder.
Most Likely To: Be seen ordering a 6ft Sub from Subway prior to game time for himself.
Advantage: Whoever can steal 2nd base in a slow pitch drinking softball league without getting caught.
2B:
AL: Placido Polanco - I think i had this after i slept with that prostitute.
Most Likely To: Set the record for the most people saying the word "Who?" in San Francisco at one time.
NL: Chase Utley - Really, the first three NL players are named Russell, Prince and Chase. I didn't realize i was covering Polo.
Most Likely To: At 184 lbs, to be eaten by Prince Fielder for dessert.
Advantage: Tie, one guy will be eaten and one will be held up by security trying to claim he is an actual player..
SS:
AL: Derek Jeter - Oh my God, he is the best player ever in the game, not just baseball but any game. He could run for 3000 yards in a season, shoot 100% from 3pt land or run 100m in .82 seconds if he wanted to. Oops...sorry there, i was channeling my inner newspaper columnist, where's the buffet?
Most Likely To: Part the baseball field so the other team can't run the base paths.
NL: Jose Reyes - A slick fielding shortstop, should we really use that term cause doesn't slick mean slippery and therefore he falls down a lot?
Most Likely To: Paint Jeter's toenails.
Advantage: Like you have to ask....the world would crumble if Jeter wasn't more beloved.
3B:
AL: Alex Rodriguez - Hmmm, not sure i have heard of this guy. Wasn't he the one who recently threw his precious hand into the back of Morneau and somehow hurt his hamstring?
Most Likely To: Scream in pain with a hangnail, slap another man, be on the cover of a gay adult film, or play for the San Antonio Spurs.
NL: David Wright - Cant go Wrong with the decision on Wright. Wait that didn't work, i mean cant go Rong with Wright...yeah still doesn't work.
Most Likely To: Cause an A-Rod injury just by walking near him.
Advantage: Yeah, Wright
OF:
AL: Ichiro Suzuki - Whose name in Japanese means "Hey, I am in America, I can demand a lot of cash"
Most Likely To: Have his interpreter misinterpret "Once the ball went off the bat i knew i had it" with "i had new balls attached to my bat"
Vladimir Guerrero - Must have got the Ukraine vote to get in
Most Likely To: Wear a Vodka cap to the outfield
Magglio Ordonez - Really, 3 Detroit Tigers starting. For the love of Lou Whitaker this needs to stop.
Most Likely To: Have an exterminator run on the field and kill that thing on his head
NL: Barry Bonds - Kinda like this A-Rod guy, who has heard of him. He is really lucky to be here at his first all star game.
Most Likely To: Fall on a needle containing steroids before the Home Run Derby "accidentally"
Carlos Beltran - Well if we didn't have 3 representatives from each NY team no one would cover the event
Most Likely To: Be the only person to ever miss Kansas City after living in NY
Ken Griffey Jr - Wow, a Cincinnati Red voted to the All-Star game, they must be an up and coming team.
Most Likely To: Kill a couple of drifters before the game and have a puppet show in his room. Just kidding, needed to take a shot at his squeaky clean image, he has to have some secrets doesn't he?
Advantage: AL (Bonds will get thrown out at first on normal triple since it wasn't a homer)
OK, so advantage...ummm...not sure, i really didn't decide.
Also, after the craziness of June, i am now going to start posting more. Hopefully 3-4 times a week.
CATCHER:
AL: Ivan Rodriguez - I am pretty sure this selection is because its the only recognizable name on the ballot (hence his 12 all-star selections). I thought the female vote might overtake him this year with Joe Mauer and his dreamy sideburns, but alas no.
Most Likely To: Accidentally substitute his over 55 vitamins with Viagra and hit a home run without a bat.
NL: Russell Martin - Was able to get voted in due to the huge push of the 17 Canadian baseball fans.
Most Likely To: Been seen out in McCovey's Cove on a yacht. Aren't all guys named Russell yachtsmen?
Advantage: AL, Ivan vs Russell, c'mon.
1B:
AL: David Ortiz - Hmm, only one Boston starter and 3 Yankee starters even though the Yankees are under .500. Might be a good time to take that vacation to Laos that you have been saving up for as America will be in Red Level Red Sox Fan Whining Threat Mode.
Most Likely To: Need to print out MapQuest directions to find first base.
NL: Prince Fielder - The son of former famous Hot Dog Eating Contest participant Cecil Fielder.
Most Likely To: Be seen ordering a 6ft Sub from Subway prior to game time for himself.
Advantage: Whoever can steal 2nd base in a slow pitch drinking softball league without getting caught.
2B:
AL: Placido Polanco - I think i had this after i slept with that prostitute.
Most Likely To: Set the record for the most people saying the word "Who?" in San Francisco at one time.
NL: Chase Utley - Really, the first three NL players are named Russell, Prince and Chase. I didn't realize i was covering Polo.
Most Likely To: At 184 lbs, to be eaten by Prince Fielder for dessert.
Advantage: Tie, one guy will be eaten and one will be held up by security trying to claim he is an actual player..
SS:
AL: Derek Jeter - Oh my God, he is the best player ever in the game, not just baseball but any game. He could run for 3000 yards in a season, shoot 100% from 3pt land or run 100m in .82 seconds if he wanted to. Oops...sorry there, i was channeling my inner newspaper columnist, where's the buffet?
Most Likely To: Part the baseball field so the other team can't run the base paths.
NL: Jose Reyes - A slick fielding shortstop, should we really use that term cause doesn't slick mean slippery and therefore he falls down a lot?
Most Likely To: Paint Jeter's toenails.
Advantage: Like you have to ask....the world would crumble if Jeter wasn't more beloved.
3B:
AL: Alex Rodriguez - Hmmm, not sure i have heard of this guy. Wasn't he the one who recently threw his precious hand into the back of Morneau and somehow hurt his hamstring?
Most Likely To: Scream in pain with a hangnail, slap another man, be on the cover of a gay adult film, or play for the San Antonio Spurs.
NL: David Wright - Cant go Wrong with the decision on Wright. Wait that didn't work, i mean cant go Rong with Wright...yeah still doesn't work.
Most Likely To: Cause an A-Rod injury just by walking near him.
Advantage: Yeah, Wright
OF:
AL: Ichiro Suzuki - Whose name in Japanese means "Hey, I am in America, I can demand a lot of cash"
Most Likely To: Have his interpreter misinterpret "Once the ball went off the bat i knew i had it" with "i had new balls attached to my bat"
Vladimir Guerrero - Must have got the Ukraine vote to get in
Most Likely To: Wear a Vodka cap to the outfield
Magglio Ordonez - Really, 3 Detroit Tigers starting. For the love of Lou Whitaker this needs to stop.
Most Likely To: Have an exterminator run on the field and kill that thing on his head
NL: Barry Bonds - Kinda like this A-Rod guy, who has heard of him. He is really lucky to be here at his first all star game.
Most Likely To: Fall on a needle containing steroids before the Home Run Derby "accidentally"
Carlos Beltran - Well if we didn't have 3 representatives from each NY team no one would cover the event
Most Likely To: Be the only person to ever miss Kansas City after living in NY
Ken Griffey Jr - Wow, a Cincinnati Red voted to the All-Star game, they must be an up and coming team.
Most Likely To: Kill a couple of drifters before the game and have a puppet show in his room. Just kidding, needed to take a shot at his squeaky clean image, he has to have some secrets doesn't he?
Advantage: AL (Bonds will get thrown out at first on normal triple since it wasn't a homer)
OK, so advantage...ummm...not sure, i really didn't decide.
Also, after the craziness of June, i am now going to start posting more. Hopefully 3-4 times a week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)