Blog Blitz: Selig's Daily Planner

As we all know, there is a certain ballplayer about to break a certain record. Yes, Luis Rodriguez of the Minnesota Twins is about to break the record of Least Valuable Player ever in MLB. All he needs is one more called 3rd strike with men on base to pass Alex Rodriguez.

OK, so really it is Barry Bonds and the home run record. We also know that Bud Selig does not want this to happen due to his man-crush on Hank Aaron and his complete denial that he had anything to do with steroids in baseball. Well, I was able to obtain Mr. Selig’s Daily Planner and it shows his master plan. First, for the past week or so it looks like he was trying to find a way to stop Bonds from passing the record and then when he realized none of these measures would work, he went forward with making plans on why he will not be there at the game to celebrate Bonds passing Aaron.

So here is what his daily planner shows:

July 16 @ Chicago: Devise plan to contract the SF Giants by Wednesday. Disperse players to Single A teams for the rest of the season.

July 17 @ Chicago: Try to get Colossal Jerk added to the list of banned substances with a penalty of 2 year ban for first time offenders. (Note: This rule doesn't apply to people in the commissioner’s office.

July 18 @ Chicago: Steal official record book for MLB and grab my trusty #2 pencil. Erase “San Francisco” from all of Bonds HR's while in SF, write “Yomiuri” in its place. He can be the HR King of Japan for all I care.

July 19 @ Chicago: Call up the rules committee. See if i can get each HR in the American League to count as 2 in the record books, that should move Harmon Killebrew and A-Rod, among others, ahead of him. We already have the DH thing, why not have one more difference between the leagues.

July 20 @ Milwaukee: Bonds comes to Milwaukee. Hop into my hip bright yellow VW Bug and try to run his Hummer off the road on the way to the game. If that doesn't work, get out my 3 Disc series on how to smile and watch twice as I need a refresher course.

July 21 @ Milwaukee: Show up in the visiting clubhouse and offer Bonds a cup of my famous Coffee with “Clear Cream”. After he takes a sip yell “Random Test! Random Test! Drug Testers Test Him Right Now!!” HeHeHe.

July 22 @ Milwaukee: Sneak into visiting clubhouse during the game. Grab Bonds phone. Dial Michael Vick several times and leave the message "Where is the dogfight tonight? I want to put $4k down on your dog. Call me back."

July 23 vs Atlanta: OK, none of those worked, time to come up with some excuses for this week. Call him and tell him i am meeting with George Mitchell today and that we can stop by the park if he would like as George would like to speak with him. That should get me out of that game.

July 24 vs Atlanta: Call Bonds and tell him that due to immense pressure from different groups, that I have decided to have a one game protest of baseball due to the Braves nickname and the Tomahawk Chop to get them off my back. (Reminder: Call Braves owner and tell him i am not really protesting. Give him an extra percentage of Revenue Sharing. Heck we can take it from the Royals, they are a large market team, at least that is what i am going to tell the public when we try to contract them and the owners haven't been spending money to win.)

July 25 vs Atlanta: Tell him today is the one day a year that I get my hair styled. It is done by Old Man Cocherty, the oldest living barber known, at 113 years old. He really keeps me hip.

July 26 vs Atlanta: Day Game – This is an easy one. Tell Bonds that everyone knows I am not allowed to go outside during the day or I will melt. I have no doubt he will believe this one.

July 27 vs Florida: Catch flight to Miami for Bond’s game with the Marlins. Upon landing, look at schedule and say to myself, “Oops, I guess the game is a home game in SF…My Bad.” Call Bonds with the same story. Hit South Beach to pick me up some chick-a-dee’s. The ladies dig the farmers tan and glasses look i here. (Reminder: Pack black socks and sandals for the beach.)

July 28 vs Florida: Fly back to SF and hop on the BART train. “Accidentally" take it to Oakland instead of SF. Call Bonds to tell him of the mix up and say I will be watching on the Jumbo-Tron at Oakland stadium as the BART would be too busy to make it back for the game at this time of day. Catch the A’s game where the only thing that is juiced is Billy Beane’s ego.

July 29 vs Florida: Call and tell him that in Florida it is Nat'l Retirement Day where they support all of their retiree's and i just assumed that the whole Giant roster took a vacation day to support it, as the average age of the Giants roster is near 62.4 years old, and didn't play. Tell him i did go over to the Old Country Buffet to meet up with the team, but must have just missed you.

July 30 Off Day: Show up at stadium. Call Bonds and ask where he is, i really want to see the record broken.