Alright, this is post #5 on my Fantasy Football preview as we move to the NFC East. I will break down each teams fantasy sleeper, bust, and a former player that the team/you wish they still had. So here is the NFC Least...HaHaHa, i crack myself up, not really that is one of the worst jokes ever, even though i don't like any of these teams: (As always links are in blue (as they are for most sites everywhere), I know everyone knows that, but i am guessing some of my readers might keep on clicking on the orange highlighted ones and next thing they know it is Sunday)
Dallas Cowboys: They are starting to have some success again. The crazy thing about that, is that they are doing it with an owner who is a wax figure. Now, mind you, not an actual wax figurine in the Wax Museum, but an actual wax person. Due to the magic of this thing called television (TV for you tech guru's) you can't actually see the strings attached to his body when he appears on the field.
Sleeper: Marion Barber III - My main question with him is whether or not he will inflict the same damage on his children as his father did on him by naming a boy Marion? Another question would be what if he only has girls? Does he name her Marion Barber IV, and thus deciding her destiny of a life filled with lesbianism and field hockey?
Bust: Terrell Owens - He is well known for his drops. But this year he spent the off season working hard on improving. Not his catching ability but his excuse ability with such gems as: "It was only going to be a 4-yard gain anyways" and "If i caught the pass on that side of the end zone then i wouldn't be able to do my TD celebration that i had planned beforehand". I am guessing that the reason these items are discounted is because he had more returns than sales as people who bought them, made copies and realized after they heard it, they returned both as they wanted to rid their house of this crap. (After checking that out, click to his homepage...you won't get that minute back)
Former Player: Nate Newton - He used to created running lanes through the defense that you could drive a van full of 213lbs of pot through. And then 5 weeks later you could drive a similar van with 175lbs of pot through. Also there would be a good chance Michael Irvin would be in the van as his favorite things are drugs, fur coats, and fake crying in front of people.
Cheerleaders
New York Giants: I used to be so-so on the Giants, I didn't hate them, I didn't love them and they weren't so bad for being a New York team. But then they committed the ultimate sin. They made Trent Dilfer a Super Bowl winning quarterback. And that is unacceptable when such great QB's as Dan Marino, Fran Tarkington, Ryan Leaf and Todd Marinovich have not gotten a ring after such distinguished careers, even though Marinovich's great career was derailed by some legal troubles. (Seriously, check out his crimes, yeah the overbearing father had nothing to do with this)
Sleeper: Steve Smith - When did they land him? The best WR in the league fantasy-wise. Unfortunately his numbers will drop with his new QB unless you count balls thrown within 40 yards of your WR as catches.
Bust: Eli Manning - If you look at his history. Born with the name Elisha. Has over-demanding father in Archie. Has a really successful brother in Cooper Manning. Engaged to a "girl" named Bobby who happens to be studying fashion. Ladies and Gentleman, your next Republican Congressman.
Former Player: Jesse Palmer - I think the exact opposite of Eli as he was on The Bachelor and had 20 women at one time willing to disgrace themselves on national TV to nail him. I wonder if Eli was on that show if it would last one episode as all of the girls would do everything possible to get kicked off, and that is saying something as they don't necessarily get the most intelligent girls on that show.
Cheerleaders - The Giants don't have any cheerleaders, it is probably for the best.
Philadelphia Eagles: The Philly Fans, or Fanatics as they are called are truly amazing. Probably the best fans in the league, if you include sucking down a 20 oz beer with a full cheese steak in your mouth and still being able to say "McNabb, You Suck!" after he just threw a TD pass. That is passion folks.
Sleeper: Jeremy Bloom - The former X-game athlete who can thrash a half-pipe while smoking a mogul should cut a 960 through the wack opposing defense. (I am hip with the kids of today)
Bust: Donovan McNabb - Unfortunately all the Chunky Soup has made him, well Chunky. He now can't scramble for more than 5 yards without having his mom insert a Clam Chowder IV into his arm.
Former Player: Vince Papale - They made a movie about this guy, he must be awesome. How many other football players had a movie made about them? OJ in Naked Gun 33 1/3 where he tries to kill an umpire (who probably slept with his ex-wife), Keanu Reeves in The Replacements, which was based on an actual story, and Showgirls which chronicles Pacman Jones's life.
Cheerleaders
Washington Redskins: They probably have one of the most offensive team names, logos, and owners in modern sports. The only comparisons i can think of are the Birmingham Crackers and the Albuquerque Canadasux.
Sleeper: Chris Cooley - Has to be, he nailed and married one of the cheerleaders. But it doesn't stop there, his nickname is Captain Chaos, which is what his wife calls him in the bedroom as TE's are quite awkward.
Bust: Clinton Portis - Not only does he have LaDell Betts sneaking up on him for playing time, but he has this on his website, which doesn't help in any sense. In fact, i would cut him right now and try to get back any bonus money due to some mental imbalance. My Favorite is Sheriff Gonna Getcha.
Former Player: Joe Theisman - Just because Joe thinks that Joe can solve any problem and thinks that people value his opinion. His ego was once seen circling the Moon in a shape that looked like someone stabbing someone else in the back. Though maybe he should be cut some slack as it seems he has found God as during one of his divorces, he had this to say about his cheating with other women "God would want Joe Theisman to be happy"
Cheerleaders
OK, next up will be the NFC North...that should be fun.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Fantasy Football AFC West Preview
Alright, this is the 4th of 8 installments breaking each team’s fantasy sleepers, busts and a former player/fantasy stud that they wish they still had and you wish was still playing. We will now move onto the AFC West: (Also, you can click on anything blue and get a link, including my new feature Team Cheerleaders at the bottom of each team)
Denver Broncos: My first gripe with them is their helmets, they had one of the classic helmets in the league and ruined it by throwing a picture of a horse's head being ripped off its torso. The second gripe is that everyone there says, "The Broncos have a bigger home field advantage because we have less air and the team is used to it". Really, you have less air? Umm, isn't air everywhere? Are there cases of you taking a walk and hitting a pocket of "No Air" and screaming "I cant Breathe!" and then you take a step to the right and "Oh, I'm Ok"?
Sleeper: Travis Henry - Everyone knows that Denver running backs get a lot of yards. So this should increase Henry's career 2.3 yards per rush up to 2.6 and therefore Denver can run him every play and get a first down.
Bust: Rod Smith - He is currently on the Physically Unable To Perform List. Hopefully this isn't a list he is on at home with his wife.
Former Player: John Elway - He was a horse for the course. If your league was a 4th quarter only league, he was a star. Also a car dealer, i wonder if his cars have Air?
Cheerleaders
Kansas City Chiefs: Alright, first and foremost, do not miss a Chiefs game this year. Kyle Turley is on the team and he might just rip someones head off and show it to him. Wait, i guess if he rips the head off, he really cant show it to him. They also don't have a QB depth chart, so that either means that they have 6 #5 QB's or they have no QB at all, in which Larry Johnson is going to run over and recover a lot of fumbles.
Sleeper: Priest Holmes - Has the potential to be the best RB ever with a religious name, as long as he can gain 48 more yards to pass Catholic McBuddism.
Bust: Any WR - This group is less recognizable than a cast member of a Fox Comedy not named the Simpsons.
Former Player: Christian Okoye - The Nigerian Nightmare, I am guessing that the people of Nigeria have other nightmares, like getting food.
Cheerleaders:
Oakland Raiders: I think the highlight of the Raiders organization has been the fact that they have been the owner of Tecmo Bo. The greatest running back in video game history. The cool thing about this is that he teamed with Marcus Allen and he is never mentioned on that video game team. I am pretty sure when Marcus bought his first Nintendo that you could trade players he traded Bo for a punter.
Sleeper: Sebastian Janikowski - If your league awards points for yards kicked on FG attempts than he would be golden, because i think most of his FG will be from 70+ yards and he might make one of them. I really cant imagine any situation that the Raiders get within the opposing 40 yard line
Bust: Daunte Culpepper - Has a chance to be the next Vince Evans, OK, no he doesn't.
Former Player: Mark Van Eeghen - I wonder if there has ever been a time that an opposing Defensive Coordinator said the words "OK guys, we have to prepare for Mark Van Eeghan this week" and not laughed.
Cheerleaders
San Diego Chargers: I never understood why Eli Manning didn't want to play here. They are successful, it is warm 341 days of the year, girls in bikini's on the beach, and yeah, it is freakin nice here. I guess he was afraid the girls would see his freakishly white body and make fun of him, as well as make fun of every one of his other qualities.
Sleeper: Antonio Gates - Now you say, "How can he be a sleeper". Draft him as a WR. He will pick up more points than your second WR anyways and you still can draft Jeremy Stevens and his .28 points per week.
Bust: Vincent Jackson - He was high on all the experts lists. Obviously they didn't look at his weight: 241 lbs. Unless SD has a lot of "Run 10 yards, stop at the donut shop and then do a curl", my guess is he won't catch many passes, well actually after 15 minutes the QB will probably be sacked.
Former Player: Marion Butts. Just had to say it, still makes me laugh.
Cheerleaders
OK, we will hit the NFC next, and just for a bonus
Denver Broncos: My first gripe with them is their helmets, they had one of the classic helmets in the league and ruined it by throwing a picture of a horse's head being ripped off its torso. The second gripe is that everyone there says, "The Broncos have a bigger home field advantage because we have less air and the team is used to it". Really, you have less air? Umm, isn't air everywhere? Are there cases of you taking a walk and hitting a pocket of "No Air" and screaming "I cant Breathe!" and then you take a step to the right and "Oh, I'm Ok"?
Sleeper: Travis Henry - Everyone knows that Denver running backs get a lot of yards. So this should increase Henry's career 2.3 yards per rush up to 2.6 and therefore Denver can run him every play and get a first down.
Bust: Rod Smith - He is currently on the Physically Unable To Perform List. Hopefully this isn't a list he is on at home with his wife.
Former Player: John Elway - He was a horse for the course. If your league was a 4th quarter only league, he was a star. Also a car dealer, i wonder if his cars have Air?
Cheerleaders
Kansas City Chiefs: Alright, first and foremost, do not miss a Chiefs game this year. Kyle Turley is on the team and he might just rip someones head off and show it to him. Wait, i guess if he rips the head off, he really cant show it to him. They also don't have a QB depth chart, so that either means that they have 6 #5 QB's or they have no QB at all, in which Larry Johnson is going to run over and recover a lot of fumbles.
Sleeper: Priest Holmes - Has the potential to be the best RB ever with a religious name, as long as he can gain 48 more yards to pass Catholic McBuddism.
Bust: Any WR - This group is less recognizable than a cast member of a Fox Comedy not named the Simpsons.
Former Player: Christian Okoye - The Nigerian Nightmare, I am guessing that the people of Nigeria have other nightmares, like getting food.
Cheerleaders:
Oakland Raiders: I think the highlight of the Raiders organization has been the fact that they have been the owner of Tecmo Bo. The greatest running back in video game history. The cool thing about this is that he teamed with Marcus Allen and he is never mentioned on that video game team. I am pretty sure when Marcus bought his first Nintendo that you could trade players he traded Bo for a punter.
Sleeper: Sebastian Janikowski - If your league awards points for yards kicked on FG attempts than he would be golden, because i think most of his FG will be from 70+ yards and he might make one of them. I really cant imagine any situation that the Raiders get within the opposing 40 yard line
Bust: Daunte Culpepper - Has a chance to be the next Vince Evans, OK, no he doesn't.
Former Player: Mark Van Eeghen - I wonder if there has ever been a time that an opposing Defensive Coordinator said the words "OK guys, we have to prepare for Mark Van Eeghan this week" and not laughed.
Cheerleaders
San Diego Chargers: I never understood why Eli Manning didn't want to play here. They are successful, it is warm 341 days of the year, girls in bikini's on the beach, and yeah, it is freakin nice here. I guess he was afraid the girls would see his freakishly white body and make fun of him, as well as make fun of every one of his other qualities.
Sleeper: Antonio Gates - Now you say, "How can he be a sleeper". Draft him as a WR. He will pick up more points than your second WR anyways and you still can draft Jeremy Stevens and his .28 points per week.
Bust: Vincent Jackson - He was high on all the experts lists. Obviously they didn't look at his weight: 241 lbs. Unless SD has a lot of "Run 10 yards, stop at the donut shop and then do a curl", my guess is he won't catch many passes, well actually after 15 minutes the QB will probably be sacked.
Former Player: Marion Butts. Just had to say it, still makes me laugh.
Cheerleaders
OK, we will hit the NFC next, and just for a bonus
Friday, August 24, 2007
Fantasy Football AFC South Preview
Alright, this is the third of 8 installments breaking each team’s fantasy sleepers, busts and a former player/fantasy stud that they wish they still had and you wish was still playing. We will now move onto the AFC South:
Houston Texans: I am not sure they are going to be able to match Houston’s former franchise’s record of zero championships, at least not with their current GM. How do you pass on Reggie Bush for some Spanish guy named Mario Williams? It’s almost like on his first day as a GM, he put a picture of every GM on a dartboard to see which one he would like to model himself after and it landed on Matt Millen.
Sleeper: Matt Schaub – He is getting his chance to be a starting QB in the NFL for the first time and I think he will succeed. The reason being is that he has had the chance to be mentored for the past 3 years by an All-Pro QB. A person who has a passion for all sports, not just football. He has taught Schaub that to be successful you have to have a proper balance between football (5%) and other activities outside of football (94%). (The other 1% is for the actual amount of his brain that he uses). Plus, I can’t wait for 6 years from now when we find out that Schaub has been the mastermind and financier of an underground Armadillo tossing ring in Houston.
Bust: Ron Dayne – Now it all makes sense on why they passed on Reggie Bush. They didn't need him since they already have AARP card carrier Ahman Green and Marshmallow Ron Dayne. Seriously, for fantasy purposes I can’t imagine Dayne being able to run 100 yards with no one on the field, let alone during an actual game, if you gave him a week. Now, I am not saying that I could either, but that is like comparing apples to Louie Anderson.
Former Player: Dominick Williams – Your saying to yourself, who? Well, it is the former Dominick Davis who had some good years at RB for the Texans. What does it take to be a good football player? It takes courage and he must have a lot of it for being the one to change his last name AND telling the world that he is the bitch in the relationship after he married his gay lover.
Indianapolis Colts: Indiana is a state known for basketball. The Colts must have taken that to heart when they installed a run defense last year that was similar to the defense played at an NBA All-Star game with Tim Donaghy as the ref and he has bet the over.
Sleeper: Anthony Gonzalez – A lot of the draft experts thought the Colts reached a little bit for Gonzalez with their first round pick. Well, if these so called draft “guru’s” would have done some research they would have seen that the Colts had a glaring hole at White 3rd Wide Receiver.
Bust: Peyton Manning - Not because he is going to suck, cause he isn't. He will be good. But was he worth using a 1st round draft pick for when you could have grabbed the 2nd best QB in the 2nd round and maybe received 2-3 points less per week. Whereas now, your first RB is going to be the 13th-16th best RB out there (unless you play in a league of idiot, so i guess a 50/50 shot) and will score about 5-8 less points per week. (There was no research done in these stats and are just guesses) Oh, one more thing, Peyton Manning Sucks! HeHeHe, i feel like i am 12 again.
Former Player: Jeff George - Only because you want a player who looks this cool on your roster. I am not sure if he is part of Ron Jeremy's, Jeff Foxworthy's, or Richard Simmon's posse? And, how much would you pay to see Richard Simmon's posse? A Grand?
Jacksonville Jaguars: Not sure what the NFL was thinking when they awarded them a franchise back in 1995. There were several larger markets available for a team, like LA, Las Vegas, Boston, Albuquerque and Cancun. They also awarded them a Super Bowl which was a logistical nightmare for visitors coming to the game as well as 80 year old locals who had to get up at 3am and yell "Hey, what are you doing on my lawn? Peeing? Why I'll get you! Just stay right there, i am going to grab my scooter and turn you over to the police".
Sleeper: Matt Jones - For the third year running he is a sleeper again this year. That doesn't normally bode well for you but this is a tall white guy who can really fly. Now that may remind you of someone else, maybe Superman. But no, it reminds me of that time I pushed Christian Laettner off of a skyscraper, minus the whole flying part.
Bust: Jermaine Wiggins - This guy was owned in over 90% of the leagues last year. It probably says something about how bad the Vikings are going to be that he chose to be a 4th string TE on the Jaguars instead of starting in Minnesota. Plus his ugliness is really going to slow him down.
Former Player: Natrone Means - Many of you may have forgot he "played" for the Jaguars. But he did and he was...oh who am i kidding, I just wanted to say Natrone Means Business.
Tennessee Titans: Ah, i miss the days when they were the Tennessee Oilers, and before that the Houston Oilers. Nothing reminds me more of football than Oil. Well, i guess the players are kinda greasy. Though i guess if i think about it, how much better of a name is Titans? I haven't checked the latest census records yet but i am guessing only maybe one or two people in Tennessee listed their occupation as Titan.
Sleeper: Roydell Williams - Really, this just gave me a chance to say Roydell, which i have probably only used in daily conversation maybe 80-90 times in my life, so it feels good to say Roydell again. But seriously, this guy is starting for the Titans. (At WR, i bet a few you went to your Fantasy Football magazine and said "What, is he a kicker?") The reason i make him a sleeper is because last year he caught 8 passes for 121 yards and no TD's. I think he can top that, even if it is just 9 catches for 122 yards and a 2-point conversion.
Bust: LenDale White - When you want to play catch with your buddies at halftime, you sometimes say "You want to throw around the ol' pigskin on the street?" Well, LenDale takes it to another level. He not only likes Pig Skin, but he likes Pig's Feet, Snout, Bacon, Ham, Pigs in a Blanket, Little Piggy Toes, Slop & Policeman...and that is just for breakfast.
Former Player: Frank Wycheck - The passer on the infamous Music City Miracle to Kevin Dyson to defeat Buffalo in the playoffs. So he has 1 pass, for about 70 yards and a TD in his career. Tennesse could use a QB who doesn't throw like a girl. He also made an appearance on TNA Wrestling earlier this summer, i guess i didn't realize he was current Titan Pacman Jones' agent (The phrase "Current Titan" is used very loosely)
Alright, next we will finish up the AFC as we head out West. Also, a new feature is that I have provided links, they are anything that is highlighted blue and you can click on it to get more info or pics.
Houston Texans: I am not sure they are going to be able to match Houston’s former franchise’s record of zero championships, at least not with their current GM. How do you pass on Reggie Bush for some Spanish guy named Mario Williams? It’s almost like on his first day as a GM, he put a picture of every GM on a dartboard to see which one he would like to model himself after and it landed on Matt Millen.
Sleeper: Matt Schaub – He is getting his chance to be a starting QB in the NFL for the first time and I think he will succeed. The reason being is that he has had the chance to be mentored for the past 3 years by an All-Pro QB. A person who has a passion for all sports, not just football. He has taught Schaub that to be successful you have to have a proper balance between football (5%) and other activities outside of football (94%). (The other 1% is for the actual amount of his brain that he uses). Plus, I can’t wait for 6 years from now when we find out that Schaub has been the mastermind and financier of an underground Armadillo tossing ring in Houston.
Bust: Ron Dayne – Now it all makes sense on why they passed on Reggie Bush. They didn't need him since they already have AARP card carrier Ahman Green and Marshmallow Ron Dayne. Seriously, for fantasy purposes I can’t imagine Dayne being able to run 100 yards with no one on the field, let alone during an actual game, if you gave him a week. Now, I am not saying that I could either, but that is like comparing apples to Louie Anderson.
Former Player: Dominick Williams – Your saying to yourself, who? Well, it is the former Dominick Davis who had some good years at RB for the Texans. What does it take to be a good football player? It takes courage and he must have a lot of it for being the one to change his last name AND telling the world that he is the bitch in the relationship after he married his gay lover.
Indianapolis Colts: Indiana is a state known for basketball. The Colts must have taken that to heart when they installed a run defense last year that was similar to the defense played at an NBA All-Star game with Tim Donaghy as the ref and he has bet the over.
Sleeper: Anthony Gonzalez – A lot of the draft experts thought the Colts reached a little bit for Gonzalez with their first round pick. Well, if these so called draft “guru’s” would have done some research they would have seen that the Colts had a glaring hole at White 3rd Wide Receiver.
Bust: Peyton Manning - Not because he is going to suck, cause he isn't. He will be good. But was he worth using a 1st round draft pick for when you could have grabbed the 2nd best QB in the 2nd round and maybe received 2-3 points less per week. Whereas now, your first RB is going to be the 13th-16th best RB out there (unless you play in a league of idiot, so i guess a 50/50 shot) and will score about 5-8 less points per week. (There was no research done in these stats and are just guesses) Oh, one more thing, Peyton Manning Sucks! HeHeHe, i feel like i am 12 again.
Former Player: Jeff George - Only because you want a player who looks this cool on your roster. I am not sure if he is part of Ron Jeremy's, Jeff Foxworthy's, or Richard Simmon's posse? And, how much would you pay to see Richard Simmon's posse? A Grand?
Jacksonville Jaguars: Not sure what the NFL was thinking when they awarded them a franchise back in 1995. There were several larger markets available for a team, like LA, Las Vegas, Boston, Albuquerque and Cancun. They also awarded them a Super Bowl which was a logistical nightmare for visitors coming to the game as well as 80 year old locals who had to get up at 3am and yell "Hey, what are you doing on my lawn? Peeing? Why I'll get you! Just stay right there, i am going to grab my scooter and turn you over to the police".
Sleeper: Matt Jones - For the third year running he is a sleeper again this year. That doesn't normally bode well for you but this is a tall white guy who can really fly. Now that may remind you of someone else, maybe Superman. But no, it reminds me of that time I pushed Christian Laettner off of a skyscraper, minus the whole flying part.
Bust: Jermaine Wiggins - This guy was owned in over 90% of the leagues last year. It probably says something about how bad the Vikings are going to be that he chose to be a 4th string TE on the Jaguars instead of starting in Minnesota. Plus his ugliness is really going to slow him down.
Former Player: Natrone Means - Many of you may have forgot he "played" for the Jaguars. But he did and he was...oh who am i kidding, I just wanted to say Natrone Means Business.
Tennessee Titans: Ah, i miss the days when they were the Tennessee Oilers, and before that the Houston Oilers. Nothing reminds me more of football than Oil. Well, i guess the players are kinda greasy. Though i guess if i think about it, how much better of a name is Titans? I haven't checked the latest census records yet but i am guessing only maybe one or two people in Tennessee listed their occupation as Titan.
Sleeper: Roydell Williams - Really, this just gave me a chance to say Roydell, which i have probably only used in daily conversation maybe 80-90 times in my life, so it feels good to say Roydell again. But seriously, this guy is starting for the Titans. (At WR, i bet a few you went to your Fantasy Football magazine and said "What, is he a kicker?") The reason i make him a sleeper is because last year he caught 8 passes for 121 yards and no TD's. I think he can top that, even if it is just 9 catches for 122 yards and a 2-point conversion.
Bust: LenDale White - When you want to play catch with your buddies at halftime, you sometimes say "You want to throw around the ol' pigskin on the street?" Well, LenDale takes it to another level. He not only likes Pig Skin, but he likes Pig's Feet, Snout, Bacon, Ham, Pigs in a Blanket, Little Piggy Toes, Slop & Policeman...and that is just for breakfast.
Former Player: Frank Wycheck - The passer on the infamous Music City Miracle to Kevin Dyson to defeat Buffalo in the playoffs. So he has 1 pass, for about 70 yards and a TD in his career. Tennesse could use a QB who doesn't throw like a girl. He also made an appearance on TNA Wrestling earlier this summer, i guess i didn't realize he was current Titan Pacman Jones' agent (The phrase "Current Titan" is used very loosely)
Alright, next we will finish up the AFC as we head out West. Also, a new feature is that I have provided links, they are anything that is highlighted blue and you can click on it to get more info or pics.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Fantasy Football AFC North Preview
Alright, this is the second of 8 installments breaking each team’s fantasy sleepers, busts and a former player/fantasy stud that they wish they still had and you wish was still playing. We will now move onto the AFC North:
Baltimore: Baltimore has always been offensively challenge and back in the day when Kyle Boller was starter, mentally challenged. But this year could be historical. In researching the Ravens, I saw that on the Depth Chart, they will not be starting a Left Tackle. This might make things difficult on their running plays, their passing plays and their most often used, punting plays. Then again Brian Billick is their coach and we really shouldn't challenge his “genius”, I mean should.
Sleeper: Mark Clayton - Some may question this choice by saying that his last good year was 1985 and his QB was Dan Marino. Now it is 22 years later and he has McNair as his QB. Both good points, but I picked him as a sleeper because he is old and probably takes a lot of naps.
Bust: Willis McGahee - I just think this guy has to be devastated. He played college at Miami, where there are girls in bikini's 365 days a year. Then he gets drafted by Buffalo, where i think the girls officially take their parkas off for a 48 hour period each year sometime around August 12th. And now he is traded to Baltimore, where the girls do wear less, but you can't tell if they are actually girls due to the heavy facial hair.
Former Player: Ray Lewis - What this defense could have been if he hadn't committed that double murder a few years back. He could reach the opposing runner and jumped on the pile 6 seconds after his teammates tackled him and started a dance like Mark Madsen being tasered, instead of the current 12 seconds.
Cincinnati: What does the city of Cincinnati need the most? Some of you may say a championship. I say a freaking Art School. First, they had the helmets with "BENGALS" spelled in Times New Roman, what you couldn't get a little creative and go with some Century Gothic? Now they have a helmet that looks like the gave a 10-month old that hasn't quite learned to sit up yet a paint brush and put a helmet by him. And don't get me started on the team name of Reds. Old Guys, "Uhhh, what should we name our baseball franchise?" Some dude in the corner doing a crossword puzzle, "Yes! 35-Across, Reds!". Old Guys, "That works, where are the hookers?"
Sleeper: Ocho Cinco - I started my search for a sleeper by perusing their rosters and trying to find a player that isn't incarcerated, suspended, have a warrant out for his arrest, or is currently drunk and leaving the bar. When that was unsuccessful, I read some stories and found this name. Not sure who he is, but he may be the only guy on the team, so i think he has a good shot of getting you at least 10yds and 1 point this year.
Bust: Chris Henry - Maybe its just me but i cant imagine him duplicating his 36 catches, 605 yards and 9 TD's from last season.
Former Player: Stanley Wilson - Seriously which current Bengal didn't have his poster on their wall while growing up? He was everything they wanted in a hero. Lying (he told coaches he forgot his playbook in his hotel room the night before the Super Bowl), Drugs (instead he went back and did enough cocaine to make Lindsay Lohan jealous) and Hiding from the Authorities (he was found later hiding in his shower).
Cleveland: Just one thing. The Dawgpound should really be involved somehow in Vick's sentence.
Sleeper: Syndric Steptoe - Now you may argue that he is somewhere in the 9-10 range on the WR depth chart. Actually, I believe their starting punter is #8 on the depth chart at WR. But with a name like Steptoe, how can he not have been groomed to be a WR who can catch passes along the sidelines? Pretty week argument you say, yeah your probably right.
Bust: Brandy Quinn - Let's see, he led Notre Dame to 3 straight Bowl game blowout loses, got passed over more times in the draft than a non-alcoholic drink in Britney Spears cooler, and he is named Brandy.
Former Player: Bernie Kosar - If only to see him try to reclaim his youth by going out to the bars with Brandy trying to pick up chicks 25 years younger than him with his curly mullet and lines like "I knew Ernest Byner"
Pittsburgh: They are the only team so far that hasn't listed their depth chart online. Now you can view this as they don't want to give away any secrets to their opponents or you can view it as i do, they have no depth.
Sleeper: Gary Russell - If he can quadruple his effort of attending his college general classes Intro to Pencils and Health 101 - Common Cheerleader Diseases at Minnesota, and then quadruple that effort (Octduple i believe, see i used Trig after high school), he might make the practice squad.
Bust: Najeh Davenport - Some people are saying that he is going to steal some TD's from Fast Willie Parker this season. I say you shouldn't draft this crappy player, you will dump him after 2 weeks like dropping the kids off at the pool. And that's the Shi*.
Former Player: Terry Bradshaw - If only to stop him from being involved in my Sunday mornings. He is like Beer Goggles. Your having a great time Saturday night. Wake up Sunday, feel for the remote while still bleary eyed, hit the On button...now i ask you, what is the difference between Terry Bradshaw screaming into your hangover or having the TV light shine on the thing you brought home last night from the bar? I wish James Brown would have ate him when he had the chance.
So there is the AFC North, hope the insight helps. Next up: AFC South
Baltimore: Baltimore has always been offensively challenge and back in the day when Kyle Boller was starter, mentally challenged. But this year could be historical. In researching the Ravens, I saw that on the Depth Chart, they will not be starting a Left Tackle. This might make things difficult on their running plays, their passing plays and their most often used, punting plays. Then again Brian Billick is their coach and we really shouldn't challenge his “genius”, I mean should.
Sleeper: Mark Clayton - Some may question this choice by saying that his last good year was 1985 and his QB was Dan Marino. Now it is 22 years later and he has McNair as his QB. Both good points, but I picked him as a sleeper because he is old and probably takes a lot of naps.
Bust: Willis McGahee - I just think this guy has to be devastated. He played college at Miami, where there are girls in bikini's 365 days a year. Then he gets drafted by Buffalo, where i think the girls officially take their parkas off for a 48 hour period each year sometime around August 12th. And now he is traded to Baltimore, where the girls do wear less, but you can't tell if they are actually girls due to the heavy facial hair.
Former Player: Ray Lewis - What this defense could have been if he hadn't committed that double murder a few years back. He could reach the opposing runner and jumped on the pile 6 seconds after his teammates tackled him and started a dance like Mark Madsen being tasered, instead of the current 12 seconds.
Cincinnati: What does the city of Cincinnati need the most? Some of you may say a championship. I say a freaking Art School. First, they had the helmets with "BENGALS" spelled in Times New Roman, what you couldn't get a little creative and go with some Century Gothic? Now they have a helmet that looks like the gave a 10-month old that hasn't quite learned to sit up yet a paint brush and put a helmet by him. And don't get me started on the team name of Reds. Old Guys, "Uhhh, what should we name our baseball franchise?" Some dude in the corner doing a crossword puzzle, "Yes! 35-Across, Reds!". Old Guys, "That works, where are the hookers?"
Sleeper: Ocho Cinco - I started my search for a sleeper by perusing their rosters and trying to find a player that isn't incarcerated, suspended, have a warrant out for his arrest, or is currently drunk and leaving the bar. When that was unsuccessful, I read some stories and found this name. Not sure who he is, but he may be the only guy on the team, so i think he has a good shot of getting you at least 10yds and 1 point this year.
Bust: Chris Henry - Maybe its just me but i cant imagine him duplicating his 36 catches, 605 yards and 9 TD's from last season.
Former Player: Stanley Wilson - Seriously which current Bengal didn't have his poster on their wall while growing up? He was everything they wanted in a hero. Lying (he told coaches he forgot his playbook in his hotel room the night before the Super Bowl), Drugs (instead he went back and did enough cocaine to make Lindsay Lohan jealous) and Hiding from the Authorities (he was found later hiding in his shower).
Cleveland: Just one thing. The Dawgpound should really be involved somehow in Vick's sentence.
Sleeper: Syndric Steptoe - Now you may argue that he is somewhere in the 9-10 range on the WR depth chart. Actually, I believe their starting punter is #8 on the depth chart at WR. But with a name like Steptoe, how can he not have been groomed to be a WR who can catch passes along the sidelines? Pretty week argument you say, yeah your probably right.
Bust: Brandy Quinn - Let's see, he led Notre Dame to 3 straight Bowl game blowout loses, got passed over more times in the draft than a non-alcoholic drink in Britney Spears cooler, and he is named Brandy.
Former Player: Bernie Kosar - If only to see him try to reclaim his youth by going out to the bars with Brandy trying to pick up chicks 25 years younger than him with his curly mullet and lines like "I knew Ernest Byner"
Pittsburgh: They are the only team so far that hasn't listed their depth chart online. Now you can view this as they don't want to give away any secrets to their opponents or you can view it as i do, they have no depth.
Sleeper: Gary Russell - If he can quadruple his effort of attending his college general classes Intro to Pencils and Health 101 - Common Cheerleader Diseases at Minnesota, and then quadruple that effort (Octduple i believe, see i used Trig after high school), he might make the practice squad.
Bust: Najeh Davenport - Some people are saying that he is going to steal some TD's from Fast Willie Parker this season. I say you shouldn't draft this crappy player, you will dump him after 2 weeks like dropping the kids off at the pool. And that's the Shi*.
Former Player: Terry Bradshaw - If only to stop him from being involved in my Sunday mornings. He is like Beer Goggles. Your having a great time Saturday night. Wake up Sunday, feel for the remote while still bleary eyed, hit the On button...now i ask you, what is the difference between Terry Bradshaw screaming into your hangover or having the TV light shine on the thing you brought home last night from the bar? I wish James Brown would have ate him when he had the chance.
So there is the AFC North, hope the insight helps. Next up: AFC South
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Fantasy Football AFC East Preview
OK, i am going to tackle each division in respect to fantasy football and will pick a sleeper, a bust, and a guy that used to play for them that they wished they still had, for real and for fantasy purposes. So here is the preview for the AFC East:
Buffalo Bills: Chances are that there have been no more than 2 Bill's drafted in your league since the 90's. Part of this is due to the fact they have sucked, and the other part is because people are making a stand because somewhere in their past they really hated a guy named Bill. Anyways this year may be different as there are 3, maybe 4 viable candidates to be drafted:
Sleeper: JP Losman. He is flying under the radar but he finish up last season with some pretty good stats. And the record for people with Initials for first name has been pretty successful if you think of AJ Foyt, umm....MA donna?
Bust: Peerless Price. There has never been a successful fantasy player named after a faucet company. Also the fact that he has changed his name to Catchless Price might make you want to stay away from him at draft time.
Former Player: OJ Simpson. Yeah didn't include him in the successful names because he hasn't been able to find the actual killer of his former wife and boyfriend. But on the field he had a killer instinct, was able to stab defenses through the heart with some of his moves, could cut you on a dime and shoot through a hole in the offensive line like an Uzi.
Miami Dolphins: Kinda in a down phase fantasy wise, but i am sure Nick Saban can turn them around. Oh wait, he screwed over the franchise for Alabama. Wait, this just in, he quit Alabama to take a job with The Team that will offer me the most money no matter the circumstances, that's right the Yankees.
Sleeper: Ted Ginn Jr. This is only because they took him over Brandy Quinn, the next Joe Montana or America Next Top Model, depending on the media sources.
Bust: Any QB not named Marino or Griese. These guys couldn't hit the broad side of Warren Sapp's ass.
Former Player: Ricky Williams. He was a really good guy to keep the atmosphere in the club house laid back with his brownies. Though the offensive line reported gained 300 lbs collectively due to the Munchies.
New England Whiniots: More than likely all of the fans will complain that they are 3rd on the list (even though it is done alphabetically) because they feel disrespected.
Sleeper: Wes Welker. Not because of his pass catching ability but because he gets the chance to be Tom Brady's wingman and bang all of his leftovers.
Bust: Easy one...Randy Moss. Any play that isn't called "Throw the ball to Randy Moss" he will take off. Even if it is a Reverse.
Former Player: Robert Edwards. Probably the next Walter Payton (this according to New England fans, who also claimed that Kevin Faulk and Reche Caldwell would be the next Payton) who broke his leg chasing models on the beach.
New York Jets: The main question is will Chandy Pennington be able to pick up chicks wearing an ugly green uniform.
Sleeper: Leon Washington. With Thomas Jones injury this guy has a chance to keep up the Jets tradition of running backs that average 2.3 yards per carry, ala Curtis Martin. Plus seriously, how cool would it be to have someone named Leon on your team.
Bust: Chandy Pennington. Pretty boys don't make it as QB. Just look at dorky Peyton, he couldn't pick up a chick at a Kenny Chesney concert (though he could pick up the singer) and he is successful.
Former Player: Joe Nameth. Now this would be a good choice at QB for the Jets. As long as his offensive lineman aren't offended by him saying "I would like to kiss you right now" in the huddle.
Alright, that is the AFC East preview, next up the AFC North.
Buffalo Bills: Chances are that there have been no more than 2 Bill's drafted in your league since the 90's. Part of this is due to the fact they have sucked, and the other part is because people are making a stand because somewhere in their past they really hated a guy named Bill. Anyways this year may be different as there are 3, maybe 4 viable candidates to be drafted:
Sleeper: JP Losman. He is flying under the radar but he finish up last season with some pretty good stats. And the record for people with Initials for first name has been pretty successful if you think of AJ Foyt, umm....MA donna?
Bust: Peerless Price. There has never been a successful fantasy player named after a faucet company. Also the fact that he has changed his name to Catchless Price might make you want to stay away from him at draft time.
Former Player: OJ Simpson. Yeah didn't include him in the successful names because he hasn't been able to find the actual killer of his former wife and boyfriend. But on the field he had a killer instinct, was able to stab defenses through the heart with some of his moves, could cut you on a dime and shoot through a hole in the offensive line like an Uzi.
Miami Dolphins: Kinda in a down phase fantasy wise, but i am sure Nick Saban can turn them around. Oh wait, he screwed over the franchise for Alabama. Wait, this just in, he quit Alabama to take a job with The Team that will offer me the most money no matter the circumstances, that's right the Yankees.
Sleeper: Ted Ginn Jr. This is only because they took him over Brandy Quinn, the next Joe Montana or America Next Top Model, depending on the media sources.
Bust: Any QB not named Marino or Griese. These guys couldn't hit the broad side of Warren Sapp's ass.
Former Player: Ricky Williams. He was a really good guy to keep the atmosphere in the club house laid back with his brownies. Though the offensive line reported gained 300 lbs collectively due to the Munchies.
New England Whiniots: More than likely all of the fans will complain that they are 3rd on the list (even though it is done alphabetically) because they feel disrespected.
Sleeper: Wes Welker. Not because of his pass catching ability but because he gets the chance to be Tom Brady's wingman and bang all of his leftovers.
Bust: Easy one...Randy Moss. Any play that isn't called "Throw the ball to Randy Moss" he will take off. Even if it is a Reverse.
Former Player: Robert Edwards. Probably the next Walter Payton (this according to New England fans, who also claimed that Kevin Faulk and Reche Caldwell would be the next Payton) who broke his leg chasing models on the beach.
New York Jets: The main question is will Chandy Pennington be able to pick up chicks wearing an ugly green uniform.
Sleeper: Leon Washington. With Thomas Jones injury this guy has a chance to keep up the Jets tradition of running backs that average 2.3 yards per carry, ala Curtis Martin. Plus seriously, how cool would it be to have someone named Leon on your team.
Bust: Chandy Pennington. Pretty boys don't make it as QB. Just look at dorky Peyton, he couldn't pick up a chick at a Kenny Chesney concert (though he could pick up the singer) and he is successful.
Former Player: Joe Nameth. Now this would be a good choice at QB for the Jets. As long as his offensive lineman aren't offended by him saying "I would like to kiss you right now" in the huddle.
Alright, that is the AFC East preview, next up the AFC North.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Headlines - 8/14/07
Ryan Leaf Reports To Camp
Brandy Quinn has finally reported to camp. Maybe he just likes waiting around, kind of like at the draft. I guess the sticking points to his contract were whether or not he had to wear a helmet (it messes up his hair) and whether or not he gets 1 or 2 snack puddings with his lunch from Mom. Either way he doesn't seem very smart and that is not a good sign for your QB as he says he should have been drafted in the top ten so he wanted top ten money. Well, that’s not how things work, if so, shouldn't the last pick in the 7th round say “I should have been drafted first so I want first draft pick money” How would that work out for him Brandy? Or I could say “I should be president of my company, so I should be able to walk around and randomly fire people while kicking them in the groin”. Wait, presidents of companies aren't allowed to do that, well what the hell am i working for? The only real disappointment in this story is that the Browns don’t play the Packers this year so we could see the record for most interceptions in a game as before each snap AJ Hawk could yell “Hey Brandy, guess what I did to your sister last night”. Of course, that record would probably be broken fairly quickly as Eli Manning is still a QB in the league.
NFL Player Disgraces Popular Video Game Name Once Again
Oh Pacman, how the not so mighty have fallen. Pacman Jones has decided to join to use his NFL Time-Out to pursue a career in professional wrestling. Really, that is not a joke. Who is his personal adviser? Bert and Ernie? Lindsay Lohan? Matt Millen? He claims that he wants to show that he is the best team player ever. Well, I guess that could be true if his goal is to be the best team player in an individual fake sport or the best team player involved in multiple shootings at strip clubs. The Titans and the NFL got a court order restricting him from being touched, throwing anything or having anything thrown at him during the appearance, which unfortunately doesn't include his appearances at strip club. If it was me that was suspended from the league for a year, possibly taking away my livelihood, I wouldn't be at strip clubs or wrestling. I would do everything in my power to portray a positive image like feeding the homeless. Well, maybe I wouldn't go that far, but I would at least stop running them over with my car.
Soccer Interest Booming In The US (In the People Interested In Watching Other People Sit On The Bench Demographic)
David Beckham’s arrival in the US to somehow make us like soccer hasn't really worked out as planned by the MLS. This is of course because he is basically being paid $250 million to sit on a bench. I might be in the minority here, but I think most people like to actually see their favorite players play the game, otherwise Mark Madsen would be the biggest star in the NBA (if not the host on So You Think You Can Dance) and Kyle Orton would have a $100 million dollar shoe contract. Now, personally I actually would prefer to watch someone sitting on the bench over actually watching a soccer match. So, let me know when Real Salt Lake signs Jessica Alba and I will tune in.
NASCAR Considered An Actual Sport for 4 Minutes on Sunday
NASCAR racing reached official sport status for 4 minutes on Sunday when a fight between two drivers broke out. Joel Murdoch, the head of NODS (Nat’l Organization for Determining Sports), officially announced NASCAR a sport upon hearing of the fight. Upon seeing the replay of the fight, he immediately reversed his decision once it was determined that it was basically two people A-Rod slapping each other while wearing helmets. The A-Rod slapping while wearing helmets was also the reason he gave when he determined that American Gladiators and Racing on Bicycles by Nerdy Kids were not actual sports a few years back.
Sergio Finds Loophole To Avoid Sunday Collapse
Sergio Garcia was pleased to announce to all of his fans that there will be no more Sunday collapses in Majors going forward. This past weekend he found a loophole where if he signs an incorrect scorecard on Saturday, he is disqualified and won’t have to suffer anymore Sunday humiliation. He says “From now on, I am going to be successful on every Sunday at a Major. I will just do something to get disqualified on Saturday and then spend Sunday watching successful golfers at the clubhouse bar, get loaded, and then bang me some country club ho’s. That sounds like a pretty successful Sunday if you ask me” He isn't just going to limit himself to signing incorrect scorecards either and plans to get more creative with Saturday festivities such as: Pantsing Colin Montgomerie, peeing on the Azalea’s on the 12th hole at the Masters, kicking his ball all the way down to the hole after his drive and beating his caddie to death after he misjudges a putt. He says “That last one I will have to do at the British Open as their laws are more lenient, I think it is just a small fine and some community service for bludgeoning a caddie to death over there.”
OK, that is the Headlines...starting on Fantasy Preview this week...
Brandy Quinn has finally reported to camp. Maybe he just likes waiting around, kind of like at the draft. I guess the sticking points to his contract were whether or not he had to wear a helmet (it messes up his hair) and whether or not he gets 1 or 2 snack puddings with his lunch from Mom. Either way he doesn't seem very smart and that is not a good sign for your QB as he says he should have been drafted in the top ten so he wanted top ten money. Well, that’s not how things work, if so, shouldn't the last pick in the 7th round say “I should have been drafted first so I want first draft pick money” How would that work out for him Brandy? Or I could say “I should be president of my company, so I should be able to walk around and randomly fire people while kicking them in the groin”. Wait, presidents of companies aren't allowed to do that, well what the hell am i working for? The only real disappointment in this story is that the Browns don’t play the Packers this year so we could see the record for most interceptions in a game as before each snap AJ Hawk could yell “Hey Brandy, guess what I did to your sister last night”. Of course, that record would probably be broken fairly quickly as Eli Manning is still a QB in the league.
NFL Player Disgraces Popular Video Game Name Once Again
Oh Pacman, how the not so mighty have fallen. Pacman Jones has decided to join to use his NFL Time-Out to pursue a career in professional wrestling. Really, that is not a joke. Who is his personal adviser? Bert and Ernie? Lindsay Lohan? Matt Millen? He claims that he wants to show that he is the best team player ever. Well, I guess that could be true if his goal is to be the best team player in an individual fake sport or the best team player involved in multiple shootings at strip clubs. The Titans and the NFL got a court order restricting him from being touched, throwing anything or having anything thrown at him during the appearance, which unfortunately doesn't include his appearances at strip club. If it was me that was suspended from the league for a year, possibly taking away my livelihood, I wouldn't be at strip clubs or wrestling. I would do everything in my power to portray a positive image like feeding the homeless. Well, maybe I wouldn't go that far, but I would at least stop running them over with my car.
Soccer Interest Booming In The US (In the People Interested In Watching Other People Sit On The Bench Demographic)
David Beckham’s arrival in the US to somehow make us like soccer hasn't really worked out as planned by the MLS. This is of course because he is basically being paid $250 million to sit on a bench. I might be in the minority here, but I think most people like to actually see their favorite players play the game, otherwise Mark Madsen would be the biggest star in the NBA (if not the host on So You Think You Can Dance) and Kyle Orton would have a $100 million dollar shoe contract. Now, personally I actually would prefer to watch someone sitting on the bench over actually watching a soccer match. So, let me know when Real Salt Lake signs Jessica Alba and I will tune in.
NASCAR Considered An Actual Sport for 4 Minutes on Sunday
NASCAR racing reached official sport status for 4 minutes on Sunday when a fight between two drivers broke out. Joel Murdoch, the head of NODS (Nat’l Organization for Determining Sports), officially announced NASCAR a sport upon hearing of the fight. Upon seeing the replay of the fight, he immediately reversed his decision once it was determined that it was basically two people A-Rod slapping each other while wearing helmets. The A-Rod slapping while wearing helmets was also the reason he gave when he determined that American Gladiators and Racing on Bicycles by Nerdy Kids were not actual sports a few years back.
Sergio Finds Loophole To Avoid Sunday Collapse
Sergio Garcia was pleased to announce to all of his fans that there will be no more Sunday collapses in Majors going forward. This past weekend he found a loophole where if he signs an incorrect scorecard on Saturday, he is disqualified and won’t have to suffer anymore Sunday humiliation. He says “From now on, I am going to be successful on every Sunday at a Major. I will just do something to get disqualified on Saturday and then spend Sunday watching successful golfers at the clubhouse bar, get loaded, and then bang me some country club ho’s. That sounds like a pretty successful Sunday if you ask me” He isn't just going to limit himself to signing incorrect scorecards either and plans to get more creative with Saturday festivities such as: Pantsing Colin Montgomerie, peeing on the Azalea’s on the 12th hole at the Masters, kicking his ball all the way down to the hole after his drive and beating his caddie to death after he misjudges a putt. He says “That last one I will have to do at the British Open as their laws are more lenient, I think it is just a small fine and some community service for bludgeoning a caddie to death over there.”
OK, that is the Headlines...starting on Fantasy Preview this week...
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Upcoming Events, Well Not Real Events
OK, tomorrow there will be the much anticipated quick Headlines post of all the stories i didn't write about over the past few weeks and then starting next week we go into Fantasy Football Preview, this information will be valuable, if your league rewards teams with the most losses.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Barry's* Record-Breaking* Day*
Well it is getting close to Bonds breaking the HR record, well not really that close as Bonds is just starting another 0-68 hitting “slump”, so it is probably still a year or so away with how many days he takes off to get his head buffed and waxed which is a 24 hour process. And really can you call it a slump if it has become the norm?
In all reality, in the best interest of the team, wouldn't it be best for the Giant’s to bat Bonds 9th when he does decide to play? Seriously, why put him up in situations where there are runners on base when you know he is just swinging for the fences and doesn't really care about the runners ahead of him. Bat him after the pitcher and reduce the damage. If he doesn't hit a home run, more than likely he will get thrown out at first by the left fielder on a grounder, get passed by a runner legging out a triple within 10 ft of first base as he walks to 2nd, or get beaned as he basically stands on home plate with all his armor, and then stay on first on a double into the gap, cause he likes the attention of the camera’s.
Anyways, he will pass Hank Aaron sometime, which in a way might be a good thing as the coverage of him on SportsCenter might drop down to 55 minutes out of the hour long broadcast, and this is how I predict his day will go:
8:00am: Wakes up, falls out of his massive gold-plated bed due to the weight of his head, hits the floor and crashes through it, into a pile of unused steroid injections. Jumps up screaming like a girl (or is that his normal voice?), accidentally trips down his basement steps into his 125 gallon vat of the “Clear”, bounces out of that and into his 126 gallon vat of the “Cream”. Just as he comes to, the doorbell rings and it is George Mitchell and the random drug testers from MLB.
Whoops, sorry, that is actually what I WISH would happen, now onto how I predict his day will go when he breaks the record:
8:00am: Wakes up, falls out of his massive gold-plated bed due to the weight of his head and hits the floor but doesn’t crash through it. He had the floor re-enforced after the above incident in ’98.
9:00am: Hops onto the ESPN message boards of all stories about him under the name "BondsGreatest4Ever" and post 100 time on each "Barry never cheated, everyone get their head out of their a55e5, he has never been caught!!! Go Vick, we have to stick together, I mean Go Vick!"
10:00am: Uses all of his 100 anonymous email accounts to email ESPN that "I haven't heard a Bonds story in over 25 minutes on air? I need to know whats going on, maybe i will hop over to CBS Sportsline"
11:00am: Watches a porn called "Planet of the Cranium Women"
Noon: Tries to fit into his old Pirates uniform, giggles like a evil genius when it doesn't fit. Wait evil genius doesn't work, how about happy genius, oops, switched the wrong word, i meant evil jerk.
2:00pm: Arrives at the ballpark. Litters McCovey Cove with mines just a few feet under the water just in case he hits the homer tonight, so he can retrieve the ball after the mad rush for the ball blows up all of the rafts in the Cove. Smiles a little bit on the inside at the possible carnage.
4:00pm: An unknown rookie gets called up from Triple A. Sits in Bonds leather recliner. Shows up on a milk carton weeks later.
7:00pm: Game is set to begin.
7:10pm: Game actually starts as it takes Bonds 10 minutes to "run" out to his position in the field. Manager mutters to himself "That's it, i am starting that @#$%$## at catcher from now on"
7:29pm: Bonds first AB. Walks even though he swung and was late on all 4 pitches that were clocked at 78 mph. Umpire has $20k on Bonds not hitting a HR tonight.
7:38pm: Opposing teams hitter lofts a high fly ball that is going to land about 4 ft to Bonds left. Bruce Bochy's plan to have CF Dave Roberts play 30 ft from Bonds at all times pays off as he is able to catch the ball as Bonds lazily "dives" for the ball by falling over.
8:06pm: Bonds 2nd AB: Walk. Is picked off first on a single to center.
8:32pm: Bonds has a sharp single to left kick off his leg, re-routing Roberts the other way, turning a single into an inside the park home run.
9:22pm: Bonds finally hits number 756 after he threatens a rookie pitcher to throw the ball underhand or he will rip him to shreds in a roid filled rage. He later claims he offered the pitcher jelly filled roll.
9:22:15pm: Explosion in McCovey's Cove.
9:23pm: In between 2nd and 3rd he starts moving in slow motion waiting for a couple of fans run on the field to congratulate him like Hank Aaron's HR.
9:33pm: Still in slow motion
9:37pm: Actually stops now and is gesturing for someone to run out.
9:43pm: Still gesturing, kinda looks like a traffic cop on a mixture of speed, X, Jolt and cookie dough.
9:56pm: Finally a guy walks onto the field with his 4 kids in tow and slaps him on the back. Later he would say "I just needed to get the kids to bed or my wife is going to be pissed and no happy time, if you know what i mean."
9:57pm: After the pat on the back, Bonds looks up for a standing ovation but everyone had left as SF isn't in a pennant race and the 49er's training camp wrap-up show is on in 30 minutes on the local news.
10:05pm: Bonds picks up the pace but is still pinch run for while in between 3rd and Home.
10:38pm: News conference after the game. A usually unapproachable Bonds is quite chatty during the conference with reporters as he sticks around for 1 hour taking questions and answering "No Comment" to each of them.
11:07pm: Retrieves the ball amidst all the carnage in McCovey's Cove.
11:59pm: Calls Hall Of Fame, tells them they can have one stitching from the ball if they enshrine him right now.
So that is his day...i think i will be pretty close on this prediction.
In all reality, in the best interest of the team, wouldn't it be best for the Giant’s to bat Bonds 9th when he does decide to play? Seriously, why put him up in situations where there are runners on base when you know he is just swinging for the fences and doesn't really care about the runners ahead of him. Bat him after the pitcher and reduce the damage. If he doesn't hit a home run, more than likely he will get thrown out at first by the left fielder on a grounder, get passed by a runner legging out a triple within 10 ft of first base as he walks to 2nd, or get beaned as he basically stands on home plate with all his armor, and then stay on first on a double into the gap, cause he likes the attention of the camera’s.
Anyways, he will pass Hank Aaron sometime, which in a way might be a good thing as the coverage of him on SportsCenter might drop down to 55 minutes out of the hour long broadcast, and this is how I predict his day will go:
8:00am: Wakes up, falls out of his massive gold-plated bed due to the weight of his head, hits the floor and crashes through it, into a pile of unused steroid injections. Jumps up screaming like a girl (or is that his normal voice?), accidentally trips down his basement steps into his 125 gallon vat of the “Clear”, bounces out of that and into his 126 gallon vat of the “Cream”. Just as he comes to, the doorbell rings and it is George Mitchell and the random drug testers from MLB.
Whoops, sorry, that is actually what I WISH would happen, now onto how I predict his day will go when he breaks the record:
8:00am: Wakes up, falls out of his massive gold-plated bed due to the weight of his head and hits the floor but doesn’t crash through it. He had the floor re-enforced after the above incident in ’98.
9:00am: Hops onto the ESPN message boards of all stories about him under the name "BondsGreatest4Ever" and post 100 time on each "Barry never cheated, everyone get their head out of their a55e5, he has never been caught!!! Go Vick, we have to stick together, I mean Go Vick!"
10:00am: Uses all of his 100 anonymous email accounts to email ESPN that "I haven't heard a Bonds story in over 25 minutes on air? I need to know whats going on, maybe i will hop over to CBS Sportsline"
11:00am: Watches a porn called "Planet of the Cranium Women"
Noon: Tries to fit into his old Pirates uniform, giggles like a evil genius when it doesn't fit. Wait evil genius doesn't work, how about happy genius, oops, switched the wrong word, i meant evil jerk.
2:00pm: Arrives at the ballpark. Litters McCovey Cove with mines just a few feet under the water just in case he hits the homer tonight, so he can retrieve the ball after the mad rush for the ball blows up all of the rafts in the Cove. Smiles a little bit on the inside at the possible carnage.
4:00pm: An unknown rookie gets called up from Triple A. Sits in Bonds leather recliner. Shows up on a milk carton weeks later.
7:00pm: Game is set to begin.
7:10pm: Game actually starts as it takes Bonds 10 minutes to "run" out to his position in the field. Manager mutters to himself "That's it, i am starting that @#$%$## at catcher from now on"
7:29pm: Bonds first AB. Walks even though he swung and was late on all 4 pitches that were clocked at 78 mph. Umpire has $20k on Bonds not hitting a HR tonight.
7:38pm: Opposing teams hitter lofts a high fly ball that is going to land about 4 ft to Bonds left. Bruce Bochy's plan to have CF Dave Roberts play 30 ft from Bonds at all times pays off as he is able to catch the ball as Bonds lazily "dives" for the ball by falling over.
8:06pm: Bonds 2nd AB: Walk. Is picked off first on a single to center.
8:32pm: Bonds has a sharp single to left kick off his leg, re-routing Roberts the other way, turning a single into an inside the park home run.
9:22pm: Bonds finally hits number 756 after he threatens a rookie pitcher to throw the ball underhand or he will rip him to shreds in a roid filled rage. He later claims he offered the pitcher jelly filled roll.
9:22:15pm: Explosion in McCovey's Cove.
9:23pm: In between 2nd and 3rd he starts moving in slow motion waiting for a couple of fans run on the field to congratulate him like Hank Aaron's HR.
9:33pm: Still in slow motion
9:37pm: Actually stops now and is gesturing for someone to run out.
9:43pm: Still gesturing, kinda looks like a traffic cop on a mixture of speed, X, Jolt and cookie dough.
9:56pm: Finally a guy walks onto the field with his 4 kids in tow and slaps him on the back. Later he would say "I just needed to get the kids to bed or my wife is going to be pissed and no happy time, if you know what i mean."
9:57pm: After the pat on the back, Bonds looks up for a standing ovation but everyone had left as SF isn't in a pennant race and the 49er's training camp wrap-up show is on in 30 minutes on the local news.
10:05pm: Bonds picks up the pace but is still pinch run for while in between 3rd and Home.
10:38pm: News conference after the game. A usually unapproachable Bonds is quite chatty during the conference with reporters as he sticks around for 1 hour taking questions and answering "No Comment" to each of them.
11:07pm: Retrieves the ball amidst all the carnage in McCovey's Cove.
11:59pm: Calls Hall Of Fame, tells them they can have one stitching from the ball if they enshrine him right now.
So that is his day...i think i will be pretty close on this prediction.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Johan Santana and Terry Ryan not BFF anymore
It was reported last week that Johan Santana was not necessarily going to invite Twins GM Terry Ryan to his Thanksgiving feast this year. See, Mr. Santana was not pleased with Ryan’s trade deadline moves. The only move that was made by Ryan was to trade away 2nd baseman Luis “McGimperson” Castillo for a couple of minor leaguers, which Santana took as a sign that the Twins are giving up on this season.
One view is that this move allows the Twins to save $2 million this year for a player they weren't going to re-sign anyways and also allows Twins owner Carl Pohlad to stuff 2 million $1 dollar bills under his mattress and in his pillow so he can be more comfortable sleeping at night, as I know it must be tough on your conscience that we are helping pay for a stadium under the guise that you would put more money into the team, well that would be for someone who had a conscience. On the other hand the Twins get to call up prospect Alexi Casilla, who has been impressive so far and has tripled Castillo’s RBI production in just a few games while hitting the ball past the pitcher every once in awhile. Also, in the deal the Twins nabbed former Twin great Sal Butera’s son in the deal (Sal must have some compromising pictures of Terry) and if he is 1/5 as good as his Dad, he may disappoint fans on a level not seen ever before.
Now, Johan is normally a reserved fellow, but he must have been saving up all this pent up anger (Serenity Now, Johan, Serenity Now) as he went off on several other things that he is angry about this week on the radio, or near a radio:
1. That the Twins continue their experiment with Little Nicky Punto, a local 6th grader from Minneapolis, as a regular at 3rd Base. Pohlad says he is trying to get closer to the community but Santana believes that he is once again being cheap as all he has to do is pay him in Shannon Tweed DVD's and fireworks.
2. Santana is upset that Coach Gardenhire won't show him his cool trick of rolling his pack of Marlboro Menthol's up in his sleeve so he looks cool for the chick reporters after the game.
3. He is very upset that by the time he gets to the park, all of the Twinkie's, Ho Ho's and Blueberry Pies have been taken from the pre-game spread. He believes the main culprits are Denis Reyes and Carlos Silva who do all interviews with yummy filling all over their face just like George Costanza in the US Open episode of Seinfeld.
4. He can't concentrate when Mike Redmond is his catcher, as Redmond's daily nude jaunts through the locker room have him picturing him naked while he is trying to pitch. Either way, he asks for a new ball after each pitch as he is not sure what Redmond's hand has scratched recently.
5. His one true-tell sign that the Twins are giving up is that they still hand the ball to Ramon Ortiz, even with a 12 run lead. He was quoted as saying "I don't think a 30 run lead is enough with this dude. I know it doesn't sound possible but he could give up that lead with one swing, he is that bad."
6. He is pretty positive Gardy steals his 40 of Schlitz Malt Liquor out of his locker after every game as he has a 162-pack of paper bags.
So that's what he is ticked about. As to his claim that he may want to sign somewhere else, that kinda bites. Here would be my favorite destinations for him after his contract is up:
1. Minnesota Twins
2. Rochester Red Wings (Twins AAA affiliate)
3. New Britain Rock Cats (Twins AA Affiliate, on rehab assignment)
4. My softball team
5. Does he know Japanese?
6. National League team that doesn't include the word Cubbravemetcardinaldodger.
7. AL East team other than the two hated empires
8. Kansas City/Pittsburgh (yes, i believe these two cities will get major league baseball teams before his contract is up)
9. Two sport star - Vikings could use a QB and he can obviously throw a ball, which is a basic talent lacking with our current QB's.
Alright back with more later...
10.
One view is that this move allows the Twins to save $2 million this year for a player they weren't going to re-sign anyways and also allows Twins owner Carl Pohlad to stuff 2 million $1 dollar bills under his mattress and in his pillow so he can be more comfortable sleeping at night, as I know it must be tough on your conscience that we are helping pay for a stadium under the guise that you would put more money into the team, well that would be for someone who had a conscience. On the other hand the Twins get to call up prospect Alexi Casilla, who has been impressive so far and has tripled Castillo’s RBI production in just a few games while hitting the ball past the pitcher every once in awhile. Also, in the deal the Twins nabbed former Twin great Sal Butera’s son in the deal (Sal must have some compromising pictures of Terry) and if he is 1/5 as good as his Dad, he may disappoint fans on a level not seen ever before.
Now, Johan is normally a reserved fellow, but he must have been saving up all this pent up anger (Serenity Now, Johan, Serenity Now) as he went off on several other things that he is angry about this week on the radio, or near a radio:
1. That the Twins continue their experiment with Little Nicky Punto, a local 6th grader from Minneapolis, as a regular at 3rd Base. Pohlad says he is trying to get closer to the community but Santana believes that he is once again being cheap as all he has to do is pay him in Shannon Tweed DVD's and fireworks.
2. Santana is upset that Coach Gardenhire won't show him his cool trick of rolling his pack of Marlboro Menthol's up in his sleeve so he looks cool for the chick reporters after the game.
3. He is very upset that by the time he gets to the park, all of the Twinkie's, Ho Ho's and Blueberry Pies have been taken from the pre-game spread. He believes the main culprits are Denis Reyes and Carlos Silva who do all interviews with yummy filling all over their face just like George Costanza in the US Open episode of Seinfeld.
4. He can't concentrate when Mike Redmond is his catcher, as Redmond's daily nude jaunts through the locker room have him picturing him naked while he is trying to pitch. Either way, he asks for a new ball after each pitch as he is not sure what Redmond's hand has scratched recently.
5. His one true-tell sign that the Twins are giving up is that they still hand the ball to Ramon Ortiz, even with a 12 run lead. He was quoted as saying "I don't think a 30 run lead is enough with this dude. I know it doesn't sound possible but he could give up that lead with one swing, he is that bad."
6. He is pretty positive Gardy steals his 40 of Schlitz Malt Liquor out of his locker after every game as he has a 162-pack of paper bags.
So that's what he is ticked about. As to his claim that he may want to sign somewhere else, that kinda bites. Here would be my favorite destinations for him after his contract is up:
1. Minnesota Twins
2. Rochester Red Wings (Twins AAA affiliate)
3. New Britain Rock Cats (Twins AA Affiliate, on rehab assignment)
4. My softball team
5. Does he know Japanese?
6. National League team that doesn't include the word Cubbravemetcardinaldodger.
7. AL East team other than the two hated empires
8. Kansas City/Pittsburgh (yes, i believe these two cities will get major league baseball teams before his contract is up)
9. Two sport star - Vikings could use a QB and he can obviously throw a ball, which is a basic talent lacking with our current QB's.
Alright back with more later...
10.
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