Barry's* Record-Breaking* Day*

Well it is getting close to Bonds breaking the HR record, well not really that close as Bonds is just starting another 0-68 hitting “slump”, so it is probably still a year or so away with how many days he takes off to get his head buffed and waxed which is a 24 hour process. And really can you call it a slump if it has become the norm?

In all reality, in the best interest of the team, wouldn't it be best for the Giant’s to bat Bonds 9th when he does decide to play? Seriously, why put him up in situations where there are runners on base when you know he is just swinging for the fences and doesn't really care about the runners ahead of him. Bat him after the pitcher and reduce the damage. If he doesn't hit a home run, more than likely he will get thrown out at first by the left fielder on a grounder, get passed by a runner legging out a triple within 10 ft of first base as he walks to 2nd, or get beaned as he basically stands on home plate with all his armor, and then stay on first on a double into the gap, cause he likes the attention of the camera’s.

Anyways, he will pass Hank Aaron sometime, which in a way might be a good thing as the coverage of him on SportsCenter might drop down to 55 minutes out of the hour long broadcast, and this is how I predict his day will go:

8:00am: Wakes up, falls out of his massive gold-plated bed due to the weight of his head, hits the floor and crashes through it, into a pile of unused steroid injections. Jumps up screaming like a girl (or is that his normal voice?), accidentally trips down his basement steps into his 125 gallon vat of the “Clear”, bounces out of that and into his 126 gallon vat of the “Cream”. Just as he comes to, the doorbell rings and it is George Mitchell and the random drug testers from MLB.

Whoops, sorry, that is actually what I WISH would happen, now onto how I predict his day will go when he breaks the record:

8:00am: Wakes up, falls out of his massive gold-plated bed due to the weight of his head and hits the floor but doesn’t crash through it. He had the floor re-enforced after the above incident in ’98.

9:00am: Hops onto the ESPN message boards of all stories about him under the name "BondsGreatest4Ever" and post 100 time on each "Barry never cheated, everyone get their head out of their a55e5, he has never been caught!!! Go Vick, we have to stick together, I mean Go Vick!"

10:00am: Uses all of his 100 anonymous email accounts to email ESPN that "I haven't heard a Bonds story in over 25 minutes on air? I need to know whats going on, maybe i will hop over to CBS Sportsline"

11:00am: Watches a porn called "Planet of the Cranium Women"

Noon: Tries to fit into his old Pirates uniform, giggles like a evil genius when it doesn't fit. Wait evil genius doesn't work, how about happy genius, oops, switched the wrong word, i meant evil jerk.

2:00pm: Arrives at the ballpark. Litters McCovey Cove with mines just a few feet under the water just in case he hits the homer tonight, so he can retrieve the ball after the mad rush for the ball blows up all of the rafts in the Cove. Smiles a little bit on the inside at the possible carnage.

4:00pm: An unknown rookie gets called up from Triple A. Sits in Bonds leather recliner. Shows up on a milk carton weeks later.

7:00pm: Game is set to begin.

7:10pm: Game actually starts as it takes Bonds 10 minutes to "run" out to his position in the field. Manager mutters to himself "That's it, i am starting that @#$%$## at catcher from now on"

7:29pm: Bonds first AB. Walks even though he swung and was late on all 4 pitches that were clocked at 78 mph. Umpire has $20k on Bonds not hitting a HR tonight.

7:38pm: Opposing teams hitter lofts a high fly ball that is going to land about 4 ft to Bonds left. Bruce Bochy's plan to have CF Dave Roberts play 30 ft from Bonds at all times pays off as he is able to catch the ball as Bonds lazily "dives" for the ball by falling over.

8:06pm: Bonds 2nd AB: Walk. Is picked off first on a single to center.

8:32pm: Bonds has a sharp single to left kick off his leg, re-routing Roberts the other way, turning a single into an inside the park home run.

9:22pm: Bonds finally hits number 756 after he threatens a rookie pitcher to throw the ball underhand or he will rip him to shreds in a roid filled rage. He later claims he offered the pitcher jelly filled roll.

9:22:15pm: Explosion in McCovey's Cove.

9:23pm: In between 2nd and 3rd he starts moving in slow motion waiting for a couple of fans run on the field to congratulate him like Hank Aaron's HR.

9:33pm: Still in slow motion

9:37pm: Actually stops now and is gesturing for someone to run out.

9:43pm: Still gesturing, kinda looks like a traffic cop on a mixture of speed, X, Jolt and cookie dough.

9:56pm: Finally a guy walks onto the field with his 4 kids in tow and slaps him on the back. Later he would say "I just needed to get the kids to bed or my wife is going to be pissed and no happy time, if you know what i mean."

9:57pm: After the pat on the back, Bonds looks up for a standing ovation but everyone had left as SF isn't in a pennant race and the 49er's training camp wrap-up show is on in 30 minutes on the local news.

10:05pm: Bonds picks up the pace but is still pinch run for while in between 3rd and Home.

10:38pm: News conference after the game. A usually unapproachable Bonds is quite chatty during the conference with reporters as he sticks around for 1 hour taking questions and answering "No Comment" to each of them.

11:07pm: Retrieves the ball amidst all the carnage in McCovey's Cove.

11:59pm: Calls Hall Of Fame, tells them they can have one stitching from the ball if they enshrine him right now.

So that is his day...i think i will be pretty close on this prediction.