NFL 3 Strikes and Your Out Policy, Part 2

After yesterday's post regarding the NFC, today we will focus on each of the AFC's team's personal strikes that the teams can use against a player and count it as a strike against the player, that arent included in the NFL's policy.

AFC EAST

New England: Should any player be out in public and feel respected, they will recieve a strike.

New York Jets: Should any player be out at the bar and use the pick up line of "I want to kiss you right now", as Joe Namath did, they will be given a strike

Buffalo: Should any of the players miss a home game for the Sabre's, and take advantage of viewing a winning team. They will receive a strike.

Miami: Culpepper will be given a strike should he not share his medicinal marijuana with Ricky Williams, thus getting him suspended again before stepping foot on the field.

AFC NORTH

Baltimore: Should Ray Lewis committ any double murders (single murders are fine), he will receive a strike.

Cincy: Dont need any personal strike penalties, as they are pretty sure they will lose half of their roster anyways with NFL's 3 strike policy

Pittsburgh: Should Ben Rothlesberger ride anything with more than 1 wheel, he will get a strike. Among restricted items: Bike, Trike, Big Wheel, Semi, going out with a friend and his girlfriend without a date himself.

Cleveland: Should any player NOT express interest in getting out of Cleveland, they will get a strike.

AFC SOUTH

Indianapolis: Should any player other than Peyton film a commercial that isnt for a local car dealership, local discount store, or local pawn shop, they will receive a strike.

Tennessee: Should any player associate with Pacman Jones, play PacMan or Ms Pacman, read a pact or support the Packers. They will be given a strike.

Jacksonville: Should any player come within 10 yards of Maurice Jones-Drew's groin or hamstring, they will get a strike.

Houston: No extra penalties, as they are fairly positive that noone could recognize any of these players in public, not even teammates.

AFC WEST

San Diego: No Extra penalties as GM AJ will probably fire everyone anyways for being successful, except the WR's of course.

Kansas City: If LJ doesnt carry something at least 50 times a day, he will be given a strike.

Denver: Anyone who tells Jake Plummer where the new practice facility is will be given a strike.

Oakland: Should anyone take the Al Davis Jump Suit Manniquin out of the owners box, they will get a strike.

So, there you have the latest news on the NFL's new policy. Tomorrow we will talk the cribbage professional circuit and the effect of steroids on the cribbage tour.

NFL 3 Strikes and Your Out Policy, Part 1

Announced today, the NFL is implementing a new "3 strikes and your out" policy in regards to off the field behavior and/or altercations with the police. The little known fact though is that the NFL is allowing each team to create 1 rule on their own that doesnt involve the police, and have it count as a strike against the player. Here is a rundown of each of the NFC teams personal strikes: (AFC Tomorrow)

NFC EAST

Philadelphia: Should any player allow Donovan McNabb's mother to post a comment on their website regarding the treatment of her son, they will receive a strike.

Dallas: Should TO handle any of the following off the field, he will receive 1 strike due to his penchant for dropping: Bottles of pills, babies, firecrackers, bottles, or landmines.

New York Giants: Should anyone touch, hide or move any items from Eli's Barbie Malibu Mansion, or strip down the Ken doll and hang it from his bright yellow VW bug rear view mirror they will receive a strike.

Washington: Should a player give less than 5 out of 5 stars on any of Dan Snyder's buddy, Tom Cruise's movies on Netflix, they will receive a strike.

NFC NORTH

Chicago: Should any player see Rex Grossman walking down the street and not attempt to run him over with their SUV, they will receive a strike

Green Bay: Should any player hold a press conference to say that they are not sure if they are going to retire or not, will receive a strike. (The new Farve/Clemens rule to some)

Minnesota: Should any player come within 10 miles of Lake Minnetonka, or a cruise boat for that matter, 1 strike for ya

Detriot: Players must take down their "Fire Millen" banners from their homes by the start of training camp. Also they will not be able to wear or sell their T-shirts with the same slogan.

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans: Should anyone be attacked by that thing on Drew Brees's face, he will be issued a strike

Carolina: Should their Punter be seen at the "Steroids N'Go" store, he will be given a strike

Atlanta: Any rookie that attempts to become part of the Vick brother posse, will be given a strike (and more than likely two more within a few weeks from the NFL for police related incidents)

Tampa Bay: Anyone caught attempting the "Jon Gruden Face" and caught on camera, 1 strike.

NFC WEST:

Seattle: Should any player jump in line at Old Country Buffet before Mike Holmgren gets his 2nd serving, they will receive a strike.

St Louis: Should any player lose anything in Stephan Jackson's hair, they will get a strike

San Francisco: Should any WR grab more than 3 passes in a week during the offseason, they will get a strike.

Arizona: Should any player sleep with Leinhart castoff Paris Hilton, they will receive a strike. (as well as a trip to the doctor)

Tomorrow: The AFC

Headlines

There was too much in the past week of sports to honestly cover in one blog so i thought i would show you some lesser known headlines for the past week with a short blurb on it, that maybe you missed due to the barrage of major headlines:

Bengals to include Drunk Driving Test for prospects at the combine.

Test sections will include: Evading Police, Avoiding Sidewalks, Driving only 20 mph over the speed limit & How to stay in less than 3 lanes.

A-Rod suing Jeter for his Pink Blanket he left at Jeter's place on a sleepover in '03

A-Rod is claiming Emotional Distress as the cause for the suit. Had he had his "blankie" he could have thrown it over the head of the Boston 1B instead of slapping his hand.

Manning, in trying to live up to Brady, decides to have love child with Kenny Chesney

Peyton, still hearing all the talk about how his rival Brady has 3 rings, finally found a way to beat him, by adopting Twins, which he claims is better than having 1 child with an "icky girl"

Online Poll shows America want Jonathan Babineaux to date Paris Hilton next.

Atlanta Falcon Babineaux was busted this week for killing his girlfriends dog and America has responded. An astonishing 86% would like him to date Paris Hilton and her annoying dog next, with Nicole Ritchie getting 13% and dating the Taco Bell Chiuaua getting 1%

Wisconsin fans rush court after loss to Michigan State

To celebrate their #1 ranking in the latest polls, Wisconsin fans continued the annoying trend of rushing the court for no apparent reason, after a loss to Michigan State. They were heard screaming "We Were #1!!!" and "We have never been #1 at anything that didnt involve Cheese or obesity!!!"

Zambrano avoids arbitration to become lowest paid Cub

Carlos Zambrano accepted a 1-year $12.4 million to become the lowest paid member for the Cubs. He was a little reserved in his excitment by saying "I really hoped i could have made more than the guy who cuts the ivy on the wall, but he has been here for 38 years, so i understand, but i at least should make more than Jacque Jones...are you %$#^&$ kidding me!?!"

Weis disappointed in mistrial in his case before he gets a chance to eat juror

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis was seen in court today wearing a napkin around his neck and holding a fork and knife while licking his lips, causing a juror to passout and causing a mistrial

Henry wets pants in teebox before his first round matchup with Tiger in the Match Play championship

JJ Henry delayed the start of his match with Tiger by visiably wetting his pants before teeing off on the first hole. After returning with darker pants equipped with a diaper, he was able to tee off

Dominic Rhodes arrested for DUI on way to Koren Robinson sentencing

Super Bowl hero Dominic Rhodes was arrested for DUI while driving 116 mph in a 35mph zone, while trying to get to the sentencing of his good friend/mentor Koren Robinson.

Bonds proves he is ready to face Washington Nationals pitching after spring training batting practice home run.

Barry has said he is ready for the season after crushing a batting practice home run off of a 74 year old pitching coach. He also disclosed that he will have a mysterious ailment for most of the year that only seems to heal itself when they play the Nationals.

Pacman Jones planning his next witness to a shooting to be somewhere in the St Louis area.

After saying he was only an "innocent bystander" to a 3-person shooting in Vegas over the weekend, said he was now planning his next "innocent bystander" shooting to occur in St Louis or the surrounding communities. He did not give a timeframe or an exact location as of press time.

Britney Spears trying to woo Matt Hasselback

Trying to resurrect her career, has shaved her head to try and woo Matt Hasselback, who has a fetish for baldness. She feels dating an NFL player will distract the media away from her drinking, child endangerment, drinking, vomitting, lack of underwear wearing, drinking & hanging out with Paris and Lindsay.

Well, those are the headlines that you may have missed this past week

Hardaway: Does He Really Hate Gays?

The revelation today that Tim Hardaway, a guy who really liked to pass to himself, really hates "Gays" and wouldn't want them in the locker room with him, has sent shockwaves across the country. But we know more, even though it has put him into seclusion in his San Francisco Loft near the bay. Under further investegation by my crack team of....well some homeless guy i paid and myself, we have found the truth about Hardaway by digging through his garbage and finding his journal. By the way, if you want leftover Lunchables, Tim Hardaways garbage is the jackpot:

8:00: Wakes up to Cell Phone Alarm of "It's Raining Men"

8:15: Turns on Mens World Body Building Championship on ESPN 18

9:00: Ellen, unplugs all phones

10:00: Cry's as Ellen won't be on for another 23 hours

10:02: Head to Gym where he screams "You want to pump this" while lifting weights next to several guys

10:46: In locker room after workout...waiting next to shower

10:58: Only 2 guys in the shower

11:06: Up to 3...not enough yet

11:21: Boxing practice over...time to shower

12:00: Grabs some lunch with Jared

1:30: Returns home just in time for massage

1:31: Fires Svetlana from massage

1:32: Has pool boy Carlos finish his massage

2:00: Takes nap in his Satin sheets with Village People playing

4:00: Oh Crap, parents are coming over

4:02: Calls "girl" to pretend he is a player

4:03: Calls Carlos to come over later

7:37: "Girl" grabs his butt, thinks about Carlos's massage

9:52: Parents say they are perfect together as they are leaving, Tim says under his breath, "If she had a (cough cough)"

11:01: Carlos shows up, lay together and watch ESPN

11:02: See coverage of his comments and Hardaway says "I was misquoted"...

Anyways, we see that maybe Hardaway is just lashing out at his own hidden life...

**I will say that i found his comments disgusting (no need to get into all of the reasons, but there are plenty) and find Amechie's response was commendable...i dont get into serious stuff in this blog...at least not yet....

Chargers GM's Other Fires This Week

With the news that San Diego Charger's GM AJ Smith has fired Marty Schotteheimer today after a NFL best record 14-2 season, I have found out information on other people who he has fired since the Charger's season has ended. Also, with the news that the firing happened through a 2nd party, i was able to determine who actually fired these people:

1. Charley: Concession stand employee, 1st level, Section 142. After finding out that only 97.3% of customers vomitted after purchasing stadium hot dogs that he made, AJ determined he must go as he was well above the quota of 62% required of all vendors. He was fired by the half-time Oscar Meyer Hot Dog T-Shirt Shooting Mascot.

2. Chris Sanderson: Strength and Conditioning Coach. Upon learning of LT breaking the TD record and not suffering any major injuries, he decided Chris needed to be removed as if LT suffered an injury they might have been a respectable 8-8 this year. He was fired by a Post-It note left on one of the weight machines, where suspiciously all the weights have been removed except the 5-lb ones.

3. Philip Rivers: After seeing that he was a much better QB than Eli Manning, he decided to cut him and then trade all of this years draft picks for Eli. He figures this way if the team doesnt do as well without Marty, he can blame Manning's 64 Int's. He was fired by Stan Humphries.

4. Shelly Carlson: Cheerleader, 4 years service. It was determined, even though she was a fan favorite, she spends way too much time doing charity work in her spare time when she should be developing a drug habit, making out with other cheerleaders in bar bathrooms and showing up on gameday half strung out on coke. She was fired by Britney Spears.

5. John Hendelson: Groundscrew, places FG posts up on game day. After ignoring his request to adjust the FG width to 14 inches, Nate Kaeding had a great year kicking FG's thus adding to their success. He was fired by that guy that rummages through the garbage outside the stadium after games looking for leftover beer.

So as you can see, Marty wasnt the only casuality since SD lost to NE. AJ was asked for comment, but he couldnt be reached at his home as he was busy staring at his autographed photo of Matt Millen.

NBA All-Star Game Changes

Due to recent decline in the interest in the NBA All-Star Weekend and the recent comments made by Tyrus Thomas regarding the dunk contest, David Stern announced today some drastic changes to All Star Weekend. Instead of the Dunk Contest, 3-point shooting contest, the skills challenge and the rookie-sophomore challenge, they will now offer the following events to spice up the weekend:

1. Strip Club Shoot-Out: Each team will send one player and two members of their posse to a remote strip club location. Each member will be allowed to have one weapon in their car. Once at the strip club, there will be an open bar, but only one stripper that the guys must vie for her "attention". Last person standing wins. Though they have traded away some of their best players for this event, Indiana is still the favorite.

2. Paternity Skills Challenge: Each player will be presented with a groupie that claims their child is the players. The player must then talk the girl out of requiring him to submit a DNA test. Maury Povich will be the celebrity referee and score the event

3. 12th Man Game: It will pit East vs West, as each team sends the player with the most bench time to play in an all star weekend game. Points will be scored as follows:

10 pts - Each made basket
7 pts - Hitting the rim
5 pts - Dribbling 5 times in a row without losing control of the ball
3 pts - Every awkward High-Five where you miss the other guys hands
1 pt - Every missed dunk where you barely reach the rim

Games will be played to 25 and will last no longer than 2 hours

4. Carmelo Anthony Sucker Punch and Run Challenge: This will be played right before the actual All-Star game as guys are warming up. Any sucker punch that results in an all out brawl will be worth 50 pts, if you are able to backpedal away without any of the opposing team touching you, you are awarded a 25 point bonus and if a fight spills into the stands you are awarded another 25 point bonus. The conference with the most points at the end of warmups wins.

I think this will make the weekend more exciting and get bigger names to participate without whining.

Manning's Weekly Planner

We have received a copy of Peyton's weekly planner that was released this morning after his Super Bowl win.

Monday: Film commercials for Expedia, Northwest Airlines, Planters Peanuts and Miller Lite on the plane during the flight back to Indianapolis. Meet Kenny Chesney at the airport, have candlelight dinner at Ruby's steakhouse. Go home and play chess online.

Tuesday: Parade in Indianapolis. Make sure i am on the first float by myself with nothing but a huge picture of myself on the float. Throw offensive lineman under a float for allowing me to get touched.

Wednesday: Meet with Eli and sit in Tom Brady's bushes, giggle everytime he kisses a hot model. Throw egg at his house and runaway like schoolgirls.

Thursday: Film commercials for Sprint, Nextel, T-Mobile, AT&T, Motorola and Bonnies Craft Store in Butte, Montana

Friday: Friday Night!!! Online EverQuest Tourney. WhooHoo!!!!!

Busy week for the little man...and i stress little...

Barry Bond's Other Contract Details

As of Wednesday, Barry Bonds contract still has yet to be approved by Major League Baseball. From my sources (somewhere in the back of my mind) here are the sticking points that are not being reported:

1. Should his head exceed 20 1/2 inches, he will have to pay an extra $1.50 for XXXXXXXL caps and $4.00 for helmets

2. The restraining order that Barry placed on his teammates for coming close to his locker will be reduced from 500 ft to 475 ft

3. The number of lockers that his posse can have will be reduced from 20 to 18 & number of illegal substances allowed in those lockers at any time has been reduced from 82 to 65

4. As he nears Hank Aaron's record, all stadiums are required to paint a portrait of the Home Run King in their outfield, so after Barry breaks the record he can stomp on it on the way back to the outfield.

5. All fans at opposing stadiums who either carry anti-Barry signs, yell explicitives at him, or dont bow to him when he looks at them will be removed from the stadium and shot.

6. Pitchers aren't allowed to throw anything over 70 mph and has to be right down the middle of the plate. Should they not comply, they will be sent to the minors. (His first request of being able to pursue the record in Low A Ball was declined)

7. After he breaks the record he will be recognized as Supreme Leader of the World, and him and his posse will be able to attack small countries at will, such as Trinidad & Tobago, Grenada, and Canada.

Hopefully all of this will be resolved soon, so we can return to 24 hrs of media coverage on Barry, instead of the current 23 hrs.