A quick post on what to expect this year if you send your kids trick or treating to Bill Belichick's house:
1. After refusing almost all of your kids candy, he will follow them down the street, continually badgering them about how their costume sucks and isn't anything close to as good as his Tom Brady costume (not really a costume, actually Tom Brady) until they break down and cry.
2. Expect him to hit on your mom, as long as she is married and quite unattractive.
3. Rodney Harrison in the bushes to jump out and clothesline any kid that takes more than one piece of candy.
4. Bear traps in the front yard, cause really, he doesn't give a rats ass about you or your kids (unless you aforementioned above wife)
5. Intern filming any kids that actually make it through the bear traps so he can have Tom Brady adjust the traps before the next set of downs, i mean the next set of kids.
6. If you happen to bring an elder, or someone that came before him with class, he will more than likely spit directly in their face while saying "I don't care that you paved the way for me, or helped me along the way, I am the greatest ever" He will then likely throw them into one of the bear traps.
7. No candy will be issued unless your children sign a document that says that they respect the Patriots and have never disrespected them in any way by such things as "ever thinking that any team is better than a Boston team (even the Bruins), cheering for another team, calling some other team the greatest team ever, rooting for any person (living or dead) that grew up outside of Boston, or secretly hoping that SportsCenter would play at least 2 minutes of sports outside of Boston."
8. Him to be wearing the hoodie, and nothing else (to impress the moms)
9. If your child somehow cheats to get extra candy, he will probably sign him to a mega deal and adopt him
10. To see one of the creepiest looking guys in the world. (Seriously, if your going trick or treating on Wednesday, you may want to try and avoid his house.)
Alright, Weekly NFL post tomorrow
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
NFL Week 7 - What We Know
Alright, Week 7 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
Did Tarvaris Jackson Finally Admit That He Kinda Sorta Really Sucks?
Jackson was quoted along the lines of saying that he shouldn't be playing if he can’t control the ball. At the time he was referencing this because he might not play this Sunday (Go ahead and cheer Viking Fans) because of a broken finger on his throwing hand. But in reality he has to know that since he (as well as the defense, his receivers, the coaches and the fans) has no idea where the ball is going when it leaves his hand, even without the broken finger, that maybe he shouldn't be playing at all in the NFL, let alone a flag football game at the local beach. Seriously, it wouldn't surprise me if he was trying to hit a receiver 5 yards over the middle, and the ball went ten rows up into the stands, either on one of the sidelines or behind him, kinda like a foul ball.
Testeverde, “Our Bye Week Couldn't Have Come At a Better Time”
After being signed and practicing for 3 days and then playing a full game, 43-year old quarterback Vinnie Testeverde said, “This couldn't have come at a better time for me personally, the bye week. This way I will be able to nap, hit the early bird special for dinner and then hit the sack at 5:30 like my normal schedule. I should really be refreshed for the first series of our next game and then I am not sure. Oh what time is it, I have to get to bingo.” He then proceeded to get in his car and rear end a house. He was unhurt as he was only going 5 miles an hour while trying to peek over the steering wheel.
Bengal’s Ecstatic about WR Return
The Bengal locker room was buzzing for the first time this year with the anticipated return of WR Chris Henry. Said RB Kenny Watson “It has been pretty disciplined around here and that is not how we play our best as you can tell by our record. But not anymore, with Chris coming back, it is gonna get HOT in here. I can’t wait for the parties and the drugs and the guns to return to the locker room, we definitely “play” better unsupervised and Chris will make sure of that.” QB Carson Palmer could be heard screaming in the background, “When are the whores getting here Chris?” Even though he can’t play until after the Bengal’s 8th game, he was allowed to return to practice to get into game shape which I can only believe to mean get his crime level back to pre-suspension levels. Cincinnati police have increased their presence around the Bengal’s practice facility, “He may only start out with some jay-walking and speeding since he isn't in game shape yet, but by week nine we expect him to be at full strength and we should be looking at more serious crimes such shootings, buying elementary kids beer and an all out drugs and hooker parties. We will be ready”, said the Police Chief.
On one last note, while watching the World Series (shouldn't it be North American Series?) tonight. Could Fox possibly squeeze in more promos and interviews that actually take away from the game cause that would be great. Holy Crap. I half expect Joe Buck to go in the first inning "Up next in the Taco Bell sponsored 2nd At Bat of the Inning brought to you by Buick and your local Buick dealers we have Matt Holiday, who when on the road stays at a Holiday Inn Express. His first swing will be brought to you by Menard's, where you will always save more money at Menard's and the first pitch of this at bat will be brought to you by an all new House next week where the doctor acts crazy and pretends he can act. Now here is my partner Tim McCarver who is sponsored by Viagra, Super Strength Greaser Hair Gel and Big Mouths of America, Tim..." and then Tim responding "Thanks Joe, we now turn the cameras back onto the field and while you were presenting the introduction and the camera was staring at us and the ads placed around the field the Rockies hit two HR's each in the first and third innings to take a 5 run lead into the sixth. We now break for commercials brought to you by Nationwide Home Insurance.
It has to STOP! We watch the game for the game, not for Chris Myers interviewing the Taco Bell COO and giving him Hot Sauce while he announces that "everyone" in America will receive a free 79 cent taco if you show up on October 30th at a Taco Bell between the times of 2:00 and 2:02 pm. As Chris Meyers states that this will cost millions???? Ummm, not many people can get to Taco Bell on a workday between the actual hours of 2-5pm.
Alright, more later
Did Tarvaris Jackson Finally Admit That He Kinda Sorta Really Sucks?
Jackson was quoted along the lines of saying that he shouldn't be playing if he can’t control the ball. At the time he was referencing this because he might not play this Sunday (Go ahead and cheer Viking Fans) because of a broken finger on his throwing hand. But in reality he has to know that since he (as well as the defense, his receivers, the coaches and the fans) has no idea where the ball is going when it leaves his hand, even without the broken finger, that maybe he shouldn't be playing at all in the NFL, let alone a flag football game at the local beach. Seriously, it wouldn't surprise me if he was trying to hit a receiver 5 yards over the middle, and the ball went ten rows up into the stands, either on one of the sidelines or behind him, kinda like a foul ball.
Testeverde, “Our Bye Week Couldn't Have Come At a Better Time”
After being signed and practicing for 3 days and then playing a full game, 43-year old quarterback Vinnie Testeverde said, “This couldn't have come at a better time for me personally, the bye week. This way I will be able to nap, hit the early bird special for dinner and then hit the sack at 5:30 like my normal schedule. I should really be refreshed for the first series of our next game and then I am not sure. Oh what time is it, I have to get to bingo.” He then proceeded to get in his car and rear end a house. He was unhurt as he was only going 5 miles an hour while trying to peek over the steering wheel.
Bengal’s Ecstatic about WR Return
The Bengal locker room was buzzing for the first time this year with the anticipated return of WR Chris Henry. Said RB Kenny Watson “It has been pretty disciplined around here and that is not how we play our best as you can tell by our record. But not anymore, with Chris coming back, it is gonna get HOT in here. I can’t wait for the parties and the drugs and the guns to return to the locker room, we definitely “play” better unsupervised and Chris will make sure of that.” QB Carson Palmer could be heard screaming in the background, “When are the whores getting here Chris?” Even though he can’t play until after the Bengal’s 8th game, he was allowed to return to practice to get into game shape which I can only believe to mean get his crime level back to pre-suspension levels. Cincinnati police have increased their presence around the Bengal’s practice facility, “He may only start out with some jay-walking and speeding since he isn't in game shape yet, but by week nine we expect him to be at full strength and we should be looking at more serious crimes such shootings, buying elementary kids beer and an all out drugs and hooker parties. We will be ready”, said the Police Chief.
On one last note, while watching the World Series (shouldn't it be North American Series?) tonight. Could Fox possibly squeeze in more promos and interviews that actually take away from the game cause that would be great. Holy Crap. I half expect Joe Buck to go in the first inning "Up next in the Taco Bell sponsored 2nd At Bat of the Inning brought to you by Buick and your local Buick dealers we have Matt Holiday, who when on the road stays at a Holiday Inn Express. His first swing will be brought to you by Menard's, where you will always save more money at Menard's and the first pitch of this at bat will be brought to you by an all new House next week where the doctor acts crazy and pretends he can act. Now here is my partner Tim McCarver who is sponsored by Viagra, Super Strength Greaser Hair Gel and Big Mouths of America, Tim..." and then Tim responding "Thanks Joe, we now turn the cameras back onto the field and while you were presenting the introduction and the camera was staring at us and the ads placed around the field the Rockies hit two HR's each in the first and third innings to take a 5 run lead into the sixth. We now break for commercials brought to you by Nationwide Home Insurance.
It has to STOP! We watch the game for the game, not for Chris Myers interviewing the Taco Bell COO and giving him Hot Sauce while he announces that "everyone" in America will receive a free 79 cent taco if you show up on October 30th at a Taco Bell between the times of 2:00 and 2:02 pm. As Chris Meyers states that this will cost millions???? Ummm, not many people can get to Taco Bell on a workday between the actual hours of 2-5pm.
Alright, more later
Update
Alright, back after a short hiatus. I could give you a bunch of lame excuses like:
Some A-hole took out all the keys on the keyboard and replaced them with Rubik's cube squares which lent to articles about Eli Manning that read "d0*se57sei_"dj," (i really like the orange squares if you can't tell. There shiny)
I was kidnapped by a group of people that shocking resembled The Mannings, Bonds, A-Hod, Kobe, & Travis Henry (though he was only trying to make babies with me to be fair)
or, I was mesmerized by this new TMZ show where i guess i must need to know where Britney, Lindsay and Paris are at all times since it is on TV and all and some TV exec green lighted it. If they had the show about me some of the stories would be "Hey there he is Mike taking a crap" or "Mike made some Mac & Cheese for dinner"
Anyways,
I will be writing more in the coming weeks. I will try to keep the weekly NFL column but may mix it in with some other sports news that need mocking, much like my previous Headlines columns. Also hoping to get a fantasy column going each week as well as stories that either parody or satire the hot news of the week.
New column tomorrow.
Some A-hole took out all the keys on the keyboard and replaced them with Rubik's cube squares which lent to articles about Eli Manning that read "d0*se57sei_"dj," (i really like the orange squares if you can't tell. There shiny)
I was kidnapped by a group of people that shocking resembled The Mannings, Bonds, A-Hod, Kobe, & Travis Henry (though he was only trying to make babies with me to be fair)
or, I was mesmerized by this new TMZ show where i guess i must need to know where Britney, Lindsay and Paris are at all times since it is on TV and all and some TV exec green lighted it. If they had the show about me some of the stories would be "Hey there he is Mike taking a crap" or "Mike made some Mac & Cheese for dinner"
Anyways,
I will be writing more in the coming weeks. I will try to keep the weekly NFL column but may mix it in with some other sports news that need mocking, much like my previous Headlines columns. Also hoping to get a fantasy column going each week as well as stories that either parody or satire the hot news of the week.
New column tomorrow.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
NFL Week 5 - What We Know
Alright, Week 5 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
Viking’s Offense Performs Defensive Drills During Bye Week
The Vikings pulled an odd move on their bye week by having their offensive players go through defense and tackling drills. This is in anticipation for the return of Tavaris Jackson as quarterback after missing two weeks due to injury. Coach Brad Childress had this to say, “With Jackson back, we have to prepare our offense for his many, many interceptions that we anticipate he will throw. The first two weeks our offensive team looked like a Pee Wee football team trying to make a tackle. You have offensive lineman running while flailing their arms like schoolgirls and our QB trying to avoid contact like Deion Sanders did when he tried to “tackle”. So we need to get back to the basics like tackling does include making contact. Our offense is going to have to make almost as many tackles as the defense now with Jackson back in there”.
KC Chiefs Offensive Line Helping Herm Edwards Limit Larry Johnson’s Carries
Herm Edwards had a goal this year to limit LJ’s carries to under 1200 this year. To accomplish this, he has assembled the worst offensive line possible. He claims, “Hey, if LJ can only get 12 yards on 9 carries, these guys must really suck. This way I won’t be tempted to run if we want to try and win games and at the end of the year my job will be safe because I can throw the offensive line under the bus when questioned about it.
Norv Turner Shows LT2 How It’s Done
When I saw the box score for the SD-Denver game I was a little shocked to see these stats: Turner 10-147 yards and Turner 74 yd TD run. I guess Norv was a little upset with the media criticism and with LT2’s performance that he decided to take matters into his own hands and show everyone how easy it is. I am guessing that Norv put up those stats while wearing one of those leather helmets without a face mask just to further cement his point. Either way, I am picking him up in my fantasy league.
Viking’s Offense Performs Defensive Drills During Bye Week
The Vikings pulled an odd move on their bye week by having their offensive players go through defense and tackling drills. This is in anticipation for the return of Tavaris Jackson as quarterback after missing two weeks due to injury. Coach Brad Childress had this to say, “With Jackson back, we have to prepare our offense for his many, many interceptions that we anticipate he will throw. The first two weeks our offensive team looked like a Pee Wee football team trying to make a tackle. You have offensive lineman running while flailing their arms like schoolgirls and our QB trying to avoid contact like Deion Sanders did when he tried to “tackle”. So we need to get back to the basics like tackling does include making contact. Our offense is going to have to make almost as many tackles as the defense now with Jackson back in there”.
KC Chiefs Offensive Line Helping Herm Edwards Limit Larry Johnson’s Carries
Herm Edwards had a goal this year to limit LJ’s carries to under 1200 this year. To accomplish this, he has assembled the worst offensive line possible. He claims, “Hey, if LJ can only get 12 yards on 9 carries, these guys must really suck. This way I won’t be tempted to run if we want to try and win games and at the end of the year my job will be safe because I can throw the offensive line under the bus when questioned about it.
Norv Turner Shows LT2 How It’s Done
When I saw the box score for the SD-Denver game I was a little shocked to see these stats: Turner 10-147 yards and Turner 74 yd TD run. I guess Norv was a little upset with the media criticism and with LT2’s performance that he decided to take matters into his own hands and show everyone how easy it is. I am guessing that Norv put up those stats while wearing one of those leather helmets without a face mask just to further cement his point. Either way, I am picking him up in my fantasy league.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Fantasy Foursome - Group 2
What would happen if Brett Favre, Donovan McNabb, Travis Henry & David Beckham golfed together in a foursome…?
Brett Favre arrives 1 hour early, you know because he is perfect and all. There is some rustling in the bushes behind the tee box and you hear some faint voices saying:
Faint Voice #1: Look at that, 1 hour early.
Faint Voice #2: Look at that perfect form warming up. Look at the way he stretches, each muscle is stretched perfectly in sync with the others
Faint Voice #1: Yes, you see what he did there. He grabbed his ball first and then BAM! He grabs his tee. Perfect form and the perfect guy for this situation.
The other three arrive. McNabb in a mini-van with his mom driving. Travis Henry in a Cheech and Chong van with smoke pouring out of it as he opens the doors. And Beckham in a stretch limo with his wife.
Henry: Yo, Becks. Who’s that you got caddying? Skanky Spice?
Beckham: This is my lovely wife Victoria.
Henry shakes her hand.
Victoria: Honey, I feel something rumbling in my stomach. Oh My!
Skanky Spice delivers twins right there on the course.
Victoria: I don’t think these are yours honey.
Henry: Damn, third time that has happened today.
Favre steps up to the tee and hits a 350 yard drive right down the middle without even swinging his club. McNabb hits next and dribbles one to the ladies tee.
McNabb: I was bothered by that rustling in the brush over there. Wasn't my fault. It’s probably TO’s. Travis, can you check to see what’s back there?
Travis walks up to two men staring at Favre through the bushes.
Henry: Whoa, its John Madden and Al Michaels! Guy’s c’mon, put your pants back on. And John, is that a whole turkey in your mouth?
Henry now steps to the tee box, pulls out some grass of the ground, flings it into the air to see which way the wind is blowing. A single blade of grass strikes Beckham in the shoulder.
Beckham: Owww! My Shoulder!!! I think it is separated. I won’t ever be able to play golf again.
Henry then pulls some more grass out and smokes it.
Walking down the first fairway, McNabb picks up his ball and moves it up 300 yards next to Favre's.
McNabb: I am a black QB, i have to work harder to be appreciated so i get to place by ball next to Brett's.
McNabb's Mom: Who Wants Chunky Soup!!!
Henry: I will, C'mon over...
McNabb: Hey, you stay away from her. I will have some, mama.
Beckham: I will have some too, but you will need to feed it to me as i think i need a body cast as a bug just flew into my knee and blew it out.
As she walks over to feed Beckham, she slips on Donovan's vomit from eating the soup and throws it into Beckhams face.
Beckham: Ohhh, I cant see. Wait that is a good thing, then i wont have to endure the Spice Girls reunion tour that nobody asked for.
Victoria obviously tired of his routine pushes him out of the cart where he lands on a tee which pokes him and he bleeds to death.
Up to hole 7.
McNabb: Wow Brett, we have the same score.
Favre: Well that's because you keep moving your ball up to mine and when you get on the green you say you don't need to putt, cause you had to work harder to get here.
Beer cart approaches.
Henry: Let me get first crack at her.
Favre: Let me at least get a beer first
Henry: OK man.
Beer cart shows up with what looks to be Madden in drag.
Beer Cart "Girl": Hi Brett! Hi Brett! Hi Brett!
Favre: Beer please. My stubbly beard tells me i should drink a beer.
Beer Cart "Girl": I tried to grow stubble like you, but i have too many chins and couldn't get it even. Will you sign my massive chest so i can get a tattoo of it.
Henry approaches: Hey, How you Doing my Lady? What! What the Hell is that? You look like Madden in drag, though i would still nail ya.
McNabb: Hey everyone, look over here at me. Do you know anyone who could interview me? Is Jim Gray available?
The group finishes up.
McNabb's Mom: What did everyone get?
Favre: 10-under
McNabb: 11-under, you know to adjust for me being a black QB
Henry: 4 of them
Favre: What does 4 of them mean?
Henry: 4 pregnancies.
McNabb's Mom: What about Beckham?
Group: Who?
Alright that is round two of the golf fantasy foursome, should have the NFL review up tomorrow and then after this weekend more posts as time becomes more free...
Brett Favre arrives 1 hour early, you know because he is perfect and all. There is some rustling in the bushes behind the tee box and you hear some faint voices saying:
Faint Voice #1: Look at that, 1 hour early.
Faint Voice #2: Look at that perfect form warming up. Look at the way he stretches, each muscle is stretched perfectly in sync with the others
Faint Voice #1: Yes, you see what he did there. He grabbed his ball first and then BAM! He grabs his tee. Perfect form and the perfect guy for this situation.
The other three arrive. McNabb in a mini-van with his mom driving. Travis Henry in a Cheech and Chong van with smoke pouring out of it as he opens the doors. And Beckham in a stretch limo with his wife.
Henry: Yo, Becks. Who’s that you got caddying? Skanky Spice?
Beckham: This is my lovely wife Victoria.
Henry shakes her hand.
Victoria: Honey, I feel something rumbling in my stomach. Oh My!
Skanky Spice delivers twins right there on the course.
Victoria: I don’t think these are yours honey.
Henry: Damn, third time that has happened today.
Favre steps up to the tee and hits a 350 yard drive right down the middle without even swinging his club. McNabb hits next and dribbles one to the ladies tee.
McNabb: I was bothered by that rustling in the brush over there. Wasn't my fault. It’s probably TO’s. Travis, can you check to see what’s back there?
Travis walks up to two men staring at Favre through the bushes.
Henry: Whoa, its John Madden and Al Michaels! Guy’s c’mon, put your pants back on. And John, is that a whole turkey in your mouth?
Henry now steps to the tee box, pulls out some grass of the ground, flings it into the air to see which way the wind is blowing. A single blade of grass strikes Beckham in the shoulder.
Beckham: Owww! My Shoulder!!! I think it is separated. I won’t ever be able to play golf again.
Henry then pulls some more grass out and smokes it.
Walking down the first fairway, McNabb picks up his ball and moves it up 300 yards next to Favre's.
McNabb: I am a black QB, i have to work harder to be appreciated so i get to place by ball next to Brett's.
McNabb's Mom: Who Wants Chunky Soup!!!
Henry: I will, C'mon over...
McNabb: Hey, you stay away from her. I will have some, mama.
Beckham: I will have some too, but you will need to feed it to me as i think i need a body cast as a bug just flew into my knee and blew it out.
As she walks over to feed Beckham, she slips on Donovan's vomit from eating the soup and throws it into Beckhams face.
Beckham: Ohhh, I cant see. Wait that is a good thing, then i wont have to endure the Spice Girls reunion tour that nobody asked for.
Victoria obviously tired of his routine pushes him out of the cart where he lands on a tee which pokes him and he bleeds to death.
Up to hole 7.
McNabb: Wow Brett, we have the same score.
Favre: Well that's because you keep moving your ball up to mine and when you get on the green you say you don't need to putt, cause you had to work harder to get here.
Beer cart approaches.
Henry: Let me get first crack at her.
Favre: Let me at least get a beer first
Henry: OK man.
Beer cart shows up with what looks to be Madden in drag.
Beer Cart "Girl": Hi Brett! Hi Brett! Hi Brett!
Favre: Beer please. My stubbly beard tells me i should drink a beer.
Beer Cart "Girl": I tried to grow stubble like you, but i have too many chins and couldn't get it even. Will you sign my massive chest so i can get a tattoo of it.
Henry approaches: Hey, How you Doing my Lady? What! What the Hell is that? You look like Madden in drag, though i would still nail ya.
McNabb: Hey everyone, look over here at me. Do you know anyone who could interview me? Is Jim Gray available?
The group finishes up.
McNabb's Mom: What did everyone get?
Favre: 10-under
McNabb: 11-under, you know to adjust for me being a black QB
Henry: 4 of them
Favre: What does 4 of them mean?
Henry: 4 pregnancies.
McNabb's Mom: What about Beckham?
Group: Who?
Alright that is round two of the golf fantasy foursome, should have the NFL review up tomorrow and then after this weekend more posts as time becomes more free...
Thursday, October 4, 2007
NFL Week 4 - What We Know
Alright, Week 4 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
DeAngelo Hall wants to play for a Team that allows 67 yards worth of penalties on a drive without a $100k fine.
DeAngelo Hall, the man, I mean girl, who threw a hissyfit when faced with playing against Steve Smith thus garnering up 67 yards in penalties on Carolina’s game winning drive, has now requested to be traded. Now normally this wouldn't be seen as news, since all 52 players on the Atlanta Falcons have requested to be traded, but I am guessing the trade offers they get back will be by giggling GM’s of other teams. I can see offers such as, “Yeah, how about we trade you Hugh Jayhole for him?” or possibly “We will give you Jack Mehoff and a 73rd round pick in next years draft for him” by other GM’s.
Derek Anderson impregnates a member of the Dawgpound
After 3 stellar games as the new QB of the Cleveland Browns, Derek Anderson has taken the lead of several other stars in the league. “I know I am relatively new so I am not going to get babes pregnant close to the quality of Tom Brady or Matt Leinart or the quantity of Travis Henry. I have to work my way up the ladder and what better place to start than the Dawgpound”, he claimed. “I guess I went for the mass of a babe pregnant. At least I thought it was a babe, she did have a little hair on her chin. Oh, I hope it wasn't a dude, if it was, Brady Quinn is going to be so mad.”
Owens kills entire Dallas receivers
After accumulating a measly (but normal) 3 catches for 33 yards on Sunday against the Rams, Dallas WR Terrell Owens killed each and every one of Dallas’ receivers. In what amounts to a fit of jealousy as talented receivers such as Patrick Crayton and Jason Witten amassed massive catches and yards on the day. “Yeah, I killed them, every last one of them, Running Backs too. How is TO suppose to be TO if other players get to catch more balls than him? Huh? You answer me that and you will see why they needed to go”. Lost in this “truth”, are the facts. Of Tony Romo’s 12 incompletions, 11 were drops by him that were right in his hands and one was an overthrow of TO as he started his TD celebration before the ball arrived and it sailed over his head. On Romo’s interception, TO saw a defender within 5 yards of him and just gave up on the play. Asked what they are going to do on Sunday, Coach Wade Phillips said, “Well, I guess we will use 9 lineman and throw the ball to TO. We had some receivers on the practice squad but he got those too.” It was determined that the cause of death, was having to watch a video of a TO Hollywood celebrity party that he threw where only 6 people showed up. Carrot Top, Mindy Cohn and 4 people passing by that had to use the bathroom.
NFC has parity…of sucktatude
The two teams from last years NFC Championship game are a combined 1-6 this year. Meanwhile, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Detroit are a combined 10-2. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that Dallas and Seattle are good. I don’t know how to explain this except that the NFC sucks bad enough that Notre Dame could win a game, who am I kidding, no they couldn't.
Chicago offense doesn't see drop in ineptitude with Griese at QB.
Brian Griese was able to continue with the Bears game plan with 3 interceptions on Sunday. He was almost benched in the first quarter for Kyle Orton after throwing a TD pass, which was followed by a celebration so crazy it was compared to a TO celebration after catching a 3 yard pass on 3rd and 24. Each player involved in the celebration was fined $100k by Lovie Smith and their offense got back to normal. As a side note, if you have three QB’s and they are named Gross Man, Greasy, and Captain CaveOrton, you may want to think about installing some showers in the locker room.
David Carr seen standing on the field an hour after game was completed
An hour after the Carolina-Houston tilt on Sunday, David Carr was seen on the field trying to line up under center, even though there was nobody left on the field. He would fake snap the ball and then start running for his life. In an interview after the game Carr said “I know I saw Texans helmets on the field and I was only sacked three times, so I thought the game couldn't have been finished yet, as I should have been sacked at least 10 more times”. At one point he was seen running up the tunnel, presumably to see if it was maybe halftime and everyone in the stadium had to go pee and get a beer. But he returned minutes later for one last check and then started running into the goalpost repeatedly and falling down for several minutes. After he got up the last time he muttered, “Now, that feels right for a Texans game”.
As always, more posts will be happening soon...
DeAngelo Hall wants to play for a Team that allows 67 yards worth of penalties on a drive without a $100k fine.
DeAngelo Hall, the man, I mean girl, who threw a hissyfit when faced with playing against Steve Smith thus garnering up 67 yards in penalties on Carolina’s game winning drive, has now requested to be traded. Now normally this wouldn't be seen as news, since all 52 players on the Atlanta Falcons have requested to be traded, but I am guessing the trade offers they get back will be by giggling GM’s of other teams. I can see offers such as, “Yeah, how about we trade you Hugh Jayhole for him?” or possibly “We will give you Jack Mehoff and a 73rd round pick in next years draft for him” by other GM’s.
Derek Anderson impregnates a member of the Dawgpound
After 3 stellar games as the new QB of the Cleveland Browns, Derek Anderson has taken the lead of several other stars in the league. “I know I am relatively new so I am not going to get babes pregnant close to the quality of Tom Brady or Matt Leinart or the quantity of Travis Henry. I have to work my way up the ladder and what better place to start than the Dawgpound”, he claimed. “I guess I went for the mass of a babe pregnant. At least I thought it was a babe, she did have a little hair on her chin. Oh, I hope it wasn't a dude, if it was, Brady Quinn is going to be so mad.”
Owens kills entire Dallas receivers
After accumulating a measly (but normal) 3 catches for 33 yards on Sunday against the Rams, Dallas WR Terrell Owens killed each and every one of Dallas’ receivers. In what amounts to a fit of jealousy as talented receivers such as Patrick Crayton and Jason Witten amassed massive catches and yards on the day. “Yeah, I killed them, every last one of them, Running Backs too. How is TO suppose to be TO if other players get to catch more balls than him? Huh? You answer me that and you will see why they needed to go”. Lost in this “truth”, are the facts. Of Tony Romo’s 12 incompletions, 11 were drops by him that were right in his hands and one was an overthrow of TO as he started his TD celebration before the ball arrived and it sailed over his head. On Romo’s interception, TO saw a defender within 5 yards of him and just gave up on the play. Asked what they are going to do on Sunday, Coach Wade Phillips said, “Well, I guess we will use 9 lineman and throw the ball to TO. We had some receivers on the practice squad but he got those too.” It was determined that the cause of death, was having to watch a video of a TO Hollywood celebrity party that he threw where only 6 people showed up. Carrot Top, Mindy Cohn and 4 people passing by that had to use the bathroom.
NFC has parity…of sucktatude
The two teams from last years NFC Championship game are a combined 1-6 this year. Meanwhile, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Detroit are a combined 10-2. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that Dallas and Seattle are good. I don’t know how to explain this except that the NFC sucks bad enough that Notre Dame could win a game, who am I kidding, no they couldn't.
Chicago offense doesn't see drop in ineptitude with Griese at QB.
Brian Griese was able to continue with the Bears game plan with 3 interceptions on Sunday. He was almost benched in the first quarter for Kyle Orton after throwing a TD pass, which was followed by a celebration so crazy it was compared to a TO celebration after catching a 3 yard pass on 3rd and 24. Each player involved in the celebration was fined $100k by Lovie Smith and their offense got back to normal. As a side note, if you have three QB’s and they are named Gross Man, Greasy, and Captain CaveOrton, you may want to think about installing some showers in the locker room.
David Carr seen standing on the field an hour after game was completed
An hour after the Carolina-Houston tilt on Sunday, David Carr was seen on the field trying to line up under center, even though there was nobody left on the field. He would fake snap the ball and then start running for his life. In an interview after the game Carr said “I know I saw Texans helmets on the field and I was only sacked three times, so I thought the game couldn't have been finished yet, as I should have been sacked at least 10 more times”. At one point he was seen running up the tunnel, presumably to see if it was maybe halftime and everyone in the stadium had to go pee and get a beer. But he returned minutes later for one last check and then started running into the goalpost repeatedly and falling down for several minutes. After he got up the last time he muttered, “Now, that feels right for a Texans game”.
As always, more posts will be happening soon...
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