NFL Week 4 - What We Know

Alright, Week 4 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:

DeAngelo Hall wants to play for a Team that allows 67 yards worth of penalties on a drive without a $100k fine.

DeAngelo Hall, the man, I mean girl, who threw a hissyfit when faced with playing against Steve Smith thus garnering up 67 yards in penalties on Carolina’s game winning drive, has now requested to be traded. Now normally this wouldn't be seen as news, since all 52 players on the Atlanta Falcons have requested to be traded, but I am guessing the trade offers they get back will be by giggling GM’s of other teams. I can see offers such as, “Yeah, how about we trade you Hugh Jayhole for him?” or possibly “We will give you Jack Mehoff and a 73rd round pick in next years draft for him” by other GM’s.

Derek Anderson impregnates a member of the Dawgpound

After 3 stellar games as the new QB of the Cleveland Browns, Derek Anderson has taken the lead of several other stars in the league. “I know I am relatively new so I am not going to get babes pregnant close to the quality of Tom Brady or Matt Leinart or the quantity of Travis Henry. I have to work my way up the ladder and what better place to start than the Dawgpound”, he claimed. “I guess I went for the mass of a babe pregnant. At least I thought it was a babe, she did have a little hair on her chin. Oh, I hope it wasn't a dude, if it was, Brady Quinn is going to be so mad.”

Owens kills entire Dallas receivers

After accumulating a measly (but normal) 3 catches for 33 yards on Sunday against the Rams, Dallas WR Terrell Owens killed each and every one of Dallas’ receivers. In what amounts to a fit of jealousy as talented receivers such as Patrick Crayton and Jason Witten amassed massive catches and yards on the day. “Yeah, I killed them, every last one of them, Running Backs too. How is TO suppose to be TO if other players get to catch more balls than him? Huh? You answer me that and you will see why they needed to go”. Lost in this “truth”, are the facts. Of Tony Romo’s 12 incompletions, 11 were drops by him that were right in his hands and one was an overthrow of TO as he started his TD celebration before the ball arrived and it sailed over his head. On Romo’s interception, TO saw a defender within 5 yards of him and just gave up on the play. Asked what they are going to do on Sunday, Coach Wade Phillips said, “Well, I guess we will use 9 lineman and throw the ball to TO. We had some receivers on the practice squad but he got those too.” It was determined that the cause of death, was having to watch a video of a TO Hollywood celebrity party that he threw where only 6 people showed up. Carrot Top, Mindy Cohn and 4 people passing by that had to use the bathroom.


NFC has parity…of sucktatude

The two teams from last years NFC Championship game are a combined 1-6 this year. Meanwhile, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Detroit are a combined 10-2. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that Dallas and Seattle are good. I don’t know how to explain this except that the NFC sucks bad enough that Notre Dame could win a game, who am I kidding, no they couldn't.

Chicago offense doesn't see drop in ineptitude with Griese at QB.

Brian Griese was able to continue with the Bears game plan with 3 interceptions on Sunday. He was almost benched in the first quarter for Kyle Orton after throwing a TD pass, which was followed by a celebration so crazy it was compared to a TO celebration after catching a 3 yard pass on 3rd and 24. Each player involved in the celebration was fined $100k by Lovie Smith and their offense got back to normal. As a side note, if you have three QB’s and they are named Gross Man, Greasy, and Captain CaveOrton, you may want to think about installing some showers in the locker room.

David Carr seen standing on the field an hour after game was completed

An hour after the Carolina-Houston tilt on Sunday, David Carr was seen on the field trying to line up under center, even though there was nobody left on the field. He would fake snap the ball and then start running for his life. In an interview after the game Carr said “I know I saw Texans helmets on the field and I was only sacked three times, so I thought the game couldn't have been finished yet, as I should have been sacked at least 10 more times”. At one point he was seen running up the tunnel, presumably to see if it was maybe halftime and everyone in the stadium had to go pee and get a beer. But he returned minutes later for one last check and then started running into the goalpost repeatedly and falling down for several minutes. After he got up the last time he muttered, “Now, that feels right for a Texans game”.

As always, more posts will be happening soon...