Here is the NFL week 15 in review:
MN 20, Chi 13: I am not sure if the Bears plan to start the lead singer from the Foo Fighters was the brightest plan, but when you have Griese, Grossman and Orton, you roll the dice. The coach also knew the Vikings were starting Tavaris Jackson who is about as good at throwing a football as a rock star, if that rock star is Courtney Love.
GB 33, St Louis 14: Blah, Blah, Blah. Favre broke another Marino record. Probably most times a game announcer has fainted just by the sight of him having so much fun playing football.
Wash 22, NYG 10: Speaking of records, Eli Manning threw 34 incompletions in this game and no interceptions, setting his personal record of completely missing a receiver by almost 5 yards and not having it intercepted. It now stands at 34 passes, his previous best was 2.
Cleveland 8, Buffalo 0: The networks need to make a rule, if there is a game that is playing in a blizzard, torrential rains or fog, they switch their coverage from your crappy game to it. These games are always fun, even better if it is two teams that have trouble putting together a simple hand off in 85 degree and sunny weather.
Phil 10, Dallas 6: Everyone was saying the story of this game was Romo's main squeeze Jessica Simpson being at the game and him losing his concentration and having one of his worst games. Seriously, if i was banging Jessica, i would have taken each snap, handed it to the other team until they took me out of the game so i could leave early and well, you know bang.
Indy 21, Oak 14: Everyone is saying that Indianapolis isn't as good as last year because they aren't blowing everyone out. I think they are just saving up their points and strength for a certain rematch and the first ever 128-3 victory over you know who.
TN 26, KC 17: I guess if i have to say something about this game it would be: It was played.
SD 51, Det 14: I think Kitna got the words of God mixed up before the season. He thought he said 10 wins, when God really said that you will get 10 losses. Well, then God left and figured out the Lions would take care of that themselves and then checked in in Week 7 with the Lions at 6-1 and said "Whoa, I got me some work to do".
TB 37, Atl 3: What a week for Atlanta. Their former "star" RB Michael Vick gets sent to prison, their rookie head coach bolted on them, and then they lose to a team with a gay QB by 34.
Carolina 13, Seattle 10: This game was 0-0 after the 3rd quarter. So if it was played in Los Angeles, no one would have seen either team score and thought it was a tie. (Not sure why a game between these teams would be played in LA in the middle of the season, but work with me here)
NO 31, Arizona 24: If you look at their stats this year and then realize NO drafted Reggie Bush at #2, I must ask, when would they have drafted Aaron Stecker? When he was 8?
Jacksonville 29, Pitt 22: Jacksonville is 10-4 yet they have no one going to the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. I guess the voters must think Jacksonville is the Honolulu of the east.
Miami 22, Balt 16 (OT): Miami Wins, Miami Wins. Now when they play that team next week i want them to get a little cocky and play "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood when the other team is introduced. I don't know why other teams don't do this since the coach cheated with his best friend's wife, cheated in football and i am guessing cheats on his taxes since he tells the IRS he is homeless.
Until next week (I am working on something else for later this week)
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
NFL Week in Review - Week 14
A quick look at each of the games:
Minnesota 27, SF 7: Even though the 49er's were able to hold All Day Petersen to a NE RB like 3 yards on 14 carries, they forgot about someone else who can run the ball pretty well. Yep, they forgot about Tavaris Jackson who had 13 yards on only 9 carries.
Green Bay 38, Oakland 7: Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre. OK, that should qualify me to write for 90% of the newspapers or sports websites in the USA.
Indianapolis 44, Baltimore 20: Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning. There i should now be able to star in any commercial that is on TV right now.
Dallas 28, Detroit 27: When Kitna proclaimed the Lions as God's team he obviously upset God a little bit as they have now lost 5 in a row. Everyone knows that God's team is the Dolphins.
NY Giants 16, Philadelphia 13: Philadelphia missed an opportunity to tie the game with a last second 57 yard FG that hit the right post. David Akers, like the rest of the country, really didn't want to see Eli Manning play QB any longer as he has a weak stomach.
Houston 28, TB 14: Sage Rosenfels throws the first TD pass by a guy named after a spice since Pepper Johnson wandered onto the field in a cocaine haze to throw a TD pass for the Giants right after halftime in 1989. The Giants normal QB, Phil Simms, had yet to leave the locker room as he was still combing his hair.
Cincinnati 19, St Louis 10: The Bengals were able to eek out a win over their personal hero Leonard Little and his team.
Jacksonville 37, Carolina 6: Vinnie Testeverde had to be replaced in the game by the backup QB so he could catch the early bird senior special at the Sizzler.
Buffalo 38, Miami 17: The Bill had two RB's go over 100 yards but its pretty sad that they couldn't get more yards as they were playing the Pee Wee Football team from Miami.
Denver 41, KC 7: Travis Henry was able to score in Denver on Sunday and for the first time in his history it didn't produce a child.
Cleveland 24, NY Jets 18: The only thing about this game that surprises me is that 76,822 people showed up to watch the Jets. Really, how boring is it in New York this time a year?
San Diego 23, Tennesee 17: This ended up being closer than SD had hoped as the sleep medicine that they gave Norv Turner at halftime took almost a full quarter to take effect.
Seattle 42, Arizona 21: Kurt Warner threw 5 interceptions in this game. God must really not like him either. Either that or he doesn't like the fact he is married to another man.
Alright, that should cover all the games from this week, or at least all of the games that matter.
Minnesota 27, SF 7: Even though the 49er's were able to hold All Day Petersen to a NE RB like 3 yards on 14 carries, they forgot about someone else who can run the ball pretty well. Yep, they forgot about Tavaris Jackson who had 13 yards on only 9 carries.
Green Bay 38, Oakland 7: Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre. OK, that should qualify me to write for 90% of the newspapers or sports websites in the USA.
Indianapolis 44, Baltimore 20: Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning. There i should now be able to star in any commercial that is on TV right now.
Dallas 28, Detroit 27: When Kitna proclaimed the Lions as God's team he obviously upset God a little bit as they have now lost 5 in a row. Everyone knows that God's team is the Dolphins.
NY Giants 16, Philadelphia 13: Philadelphia missed an opportunity to tie the game with a last second 57 yard FG that hit the right post. David Akers, like the rest of the country, really didn't want to see Eli Manning play QB any longer as he has a weak stomach.
Houston 28, TB 14: Sage Rosenfels throws the first TD pass by a guy named after a spice since Pepper Johnson wandered onto the field in a cocaine haze to throw a TD pass for the Giants right after halftime in 1989. The Giants normal QB, Phil Simms, had yet to leave the locker room as he was still combing his hair.
Cincinnati 19, St Louis 10: The Bengals were able to eek out a win over their personal hero Leonard Little and his team.
Jacksonville 37, Carolina 6: Vinnie Testeverde had to be replaced in the game by the backup QB so he could catch the early bird senior special at the Sizzler.
Buffalo 38, Miami 17: The Bill had two RB's go over 100 yards but its pretty sad that they couldn't get more yards as they were playing the Pee Wee Football team from Miami.
Denver 41, KC 7: Travis Henry was able to score in Denver on Sunday and for the first time in his history it didn't produce a child.
Cleveland 24, NY Jets 18: The only thing about this game that surprises me is that 76,822 people showed up to watch the Jets. Really, how boring is it in New York this time a year?
San Diego 23, Tennesee 17: This ended up being closer than SD had hoped as the sleep medicine that they gave Norv Turner at halftime took almost a full quarter to take effect.
Seattle 42, Arizona 21: Kurt Warner threw 5 interceptions in this game. God must really not like him either. Either that or he doesn't like the fact he is married to another man.
Alright, that should cover all the games from this week, or at least all of the games that matter.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Quick Hits - 11/28/07
Some thoughts about the past week: (and i do promise more posts coming up, yeah you have heard that before)
1. Everyone is complaining about the turf situation during the Monday night game. Hey you know what, game is outside, it might rain, so freakin what? That is one of the traits of the NFL that make it such a great sport to watch, the weather affects the game, whether its rain, snow, wind, fog, Matt Hasselback's shiny head glaring in the sun. Those are the best games to watch. People slopping around, top athletes looking like pee-wee players due to the conditions. It makes us feel better as fans that maybe they are more like us. Kinda like during the British Open when it was hurricane like weather and Tiger shot a 10 over, made us feel better about our game. Anyways, the fact that people are claiming we should put FieldTurf in now is just insane. Every outdoor game from the 30's through the 90's was played in differing conditions. Why would they start now? The answer is easy "TV Ratings control the NFL". Its an evil, evil marriage between TV and the NFL and it is going to ruin the game for the true fans. (also peeking at you NFL Network and the cable companies)
2. Not only because i am a Viking fan and "occasionally rip on Eli Manning in this blog". Let me tell you, Sunday was a fun day for me. Not only the throws that were nowhere within 5 yards of his own receiver, but my favorite play was at the end of the game when he kept on running around until he took a dive for a 26 yard loss so he wouldn't get hit. Good times. I also like the look on his face when he throws an incompletion/interception, kinda like its not his fault the receiver cant jump 10 feet in the air or somehow stop mid-stride and come back 15 yards toward him on his passes that don't quite make it there. Also his effort on the interceptions and trying to make a tackle kinda looked like an episode of Cops and a drunk guy trying to run away from arrest, only if he was a figure skater.
I am going to try and do quick hits as much as possible, with a few longer articles as i have some on the hopper...just need the time...
1. Everyone is complaining about the turf situation during the Monday night game. Hey you know what, game is outside, it might rain, so freakin what? That is one of the traits of the NFL that make it such a great sport to watch, the weather affects the game, whether its rain, snow, wind, fog, Matt Hasselback's shiny head glaring in the sun. Those are the best games to watch. People slopping around, top athletes looking like pee-wee players due to the conditions. It makes us feel better as fans that maybe they are more like us. Kinda like during the British Open when it was hurricane like weather and Tiger shot a 10 over, made us feel better about our game. Anyways, the fact that people are claiming we should put FieldTurf in now is just insane. Every outdoor game from the 30's through the 90's was played in differing conditions. Why would they start now? The answer is easy "TV Ratings control the NFL". Its an evil, evil marriage between TV and the NFL and it is going to ruin the game for the true fans. (also peeking at you NFL Network and the cable companies)
2. Not only because i am a Viking fan and "occasionally rip on Eli Manning in this blog". Let me tell you, Sunday was a fun day for me. Not only the throws that were nowhere within 5 yards of his own receiver, but my favorite play was at the end of the game when he kept on running around until he took a dive for a 26 yard loss so he wouldn't get hit. Good times. I also like the look on his face when he throws an incompletion/interception, kinda like its not his fault the receiver cant jump 10 feet in the air or somehow stop mid-stride and come back 15 yards toward him on his passes that don't quite make it there. Also his effort on the interceptions and trying to make a tackle kinda looked like an episode of Cops and a drunk guy trying to run away from arrest, only if he was a figure skater.
I am going to try and do quick hits as much as possible, with a few longer articles as i have some on the hopper...just need the time...
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
What We Know - Week 10
Alright, Week 10 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
Bengal’s Purposely Not Throwing TD’s to Ocho Cinco
Chad Johnson hasn't scored a touchdown in 7 games, and it has been learned that there is a reason for that, information has been leaked about his next TD celebration to the team. Said QB Carson Palmer, “Yeah, I heard about the next TD celebration by #85 and frankly, I don’t ever want to see it. It is something that you won’t be able to erase from your memory ever. Basically when we get inside the other opponents territory, I look for other receivers and if they are covered I will either throw it out of bounds or to the other team rather than Chad”. From the rumor floating around, after his next TD, Chad is going to celebrate by somehow molesting a llama with the ball, then he is going to pull out a pistol from his sock and shoot the player that he beat for the TD and then ride him reverse cowboy style and then run over and nail a cheerleader while doing push ups and finish it off by slamming a bottle of Grey Goose, throwing it in the air and shooting at it until he hits the bottle or someone who is trying to run from the carnage. When asked about this he claimed, “I don’t know what you are talking about, you know all my celebrations are spontaneous, those props just happen to be there when I think of the idea after the TD”, as he shoved a bag of Llama Feed and books on Hypnotizing a Cheerleader in 3 Seconds, How to Ride Rodeo and How to Shoot at Moving Targets when you are Drunk, into his gym bag. No one is sure how he is going to get the Llama onto the field without anyone noticing it during the game. To ensure that he didn't score this past week, they decided to kick 7 FG’s from less than 20yds out.
Patriot’s Fans Decide Not To Take the Bye Week Off
Unfortunately, like most civilized countries had hoped, the Patriots fans decided not to take the bye week off from their constant bitching and whining. This week their main target was why Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett didn't win the AL Cy Young award. I guess winning the World Series just isn't enough for them anymore. There main claim now is that it should be decided after the playoffs since Beckett was dominant. They seem to make their argument based on the facts that only benefit their situation without looking at the rest of it. The perfect example was getting caught cheating earlier this year. What if it was the Colts that got caught last year in the playoffs. Do you think they would have had said like they are now, "Everyone does it, so that's OK". No, they would have thrown out the asterisk talk, and the tainted talk, and how they were cheated out of a win, its never ending. With the NL Cy Young award being announced today, I fully expect them to whine that Beckett didn't win that award too. Other topics of their constant bitching this week were: Even though Pedoria won the Rookie of the Year, why didn't Dice-K finish 2nd and any of their other rookies who played in at least one game finish 3rd-10th in voting?; Why did all of the NFL highlight shows on Sunday night only show games from Week 10 and not just highlights from the Patriots first 9 games?; and why on ESPN NFL Countdown, did they only show 6 stories on what Tom Brady did on his bye week, there are 7 days in a week you know? (by the way, in all fairness, i do have a great friend that is a Boston fan. He at least has a sense of humor, he will defend his teams til the end, but at least he will listen to the counter argument without bitching or whining. He offers some outrageous counter points, but they are usually logical and usually quite hilarious). My new theory is that Boston fans don't know how to react when they cant play the "When will we get the respect we deserve" card since they are at the top of all the rankings and now just whine about getting respect for random things, like shiny Cy Young trophies that nobody remembers in 6 months.
Peyton’s Performance Actually an Audition for another Commercial
Peyton Manning threw an uncharacteristic 6 interceptions against the Chargers this weekend. After further review, it was determined that he was actually auditioning for a role in another commercial. This one is for Schlitz Malt Liquor. The premise is for really bad athletes and what they drink after the game. The tag line for the ad is: When #18 plays this bad he could really use a 40” and then he swigs down the whole forty ouncer. Other athletes speculated to be in ads are Ryan Leaf, Rae Carruth (his will involve something around 40 years in prison), Tarvaris Jackson, Adam Morrison and LaTroy Hawkins. It is also rumored that Peyton’s performance was an audition for his first starring role in a movie, The Lifetime Original Movie: The Eli Manning Story.
Matt Millen Escapes Year-long Captivity in Time for the Cardinal Game
In has now been confirmed that Matt Millen has been in captivity for the past year by local Detroit fans, which would go a long way into explaining the Lions 6-2 start. He was able to break free this Sunday morning and make his way into the coach’s booth and immediately start calling plays. This would explain the Lions rushing for -18 yards on 8 carries on Sunday. It was rumored that his first words upon leaving captivity were, “What happened at the draft? Were we able to trade up in the draft by offering all of our draft picks this year and next and Roy Williams to get Brady Quinn with the first pick?”
Bengal’s Purposely Not Throwing TD’s to Ocho Cinco
Chad Johnson hasn't scored a touchdown in 7 games, and it has been learned that there is a reason for that, information has been leaked about his next TD celebration to the team. Said QB Carson Palmer, “Yeah, I heard about the next TD celebration by #85 and frankly, I don’t ever want to see it. It is something that you won’t be able to erase from your memory ever. Basically when we get inside the other opponents territory, I look for other receivers and if they are covered I will either throw it out of bounds or to the other team rather than Chad”. From the rumor floating around, after his next TD, Chad is going to celebrate by somehow molesting a llama with the ball, then he is going to pull out a pistol from his sock and shoot the player that he beat for the TD and then ride him reverse cowboy style and then run over and nail a cheerleader while doing push ups and finish it off by slamming a bottle of Grey Goose, throwing it in the air and shooting at it until he hits the bottle or someone who is trying to run from the carnage. When asked about this he claimed, “I don’t know what you are talking about, you know all my celebrations are spontaneous, those props just happen to be there when I think of the idea after the TD”, as he shoved a bag of Llama Feed and books on Hypnotizing a Cheerleader in 3 Seconds, How to Ride Rodeo and How to Shoot at Moving Targets when you are Drunk, into his gym bag. No one is sure how he is going to get the Llama onto the field without anyone noticing it during the game. To ensure that he didn't score this past week, they decided to kick 7 FG’s from less than 20yds out.
Patriot’s Fans Decide Not To Take the Bye Week Off
Unfortunately, like most civilized countries had hoped, the Patriots fans decided not to take the bye week off from their constant bitching and whining. This week their main target was why Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett didn't win the AL Cy Young award. I guess winning the World Series just isn't enough for them anymore. There main claim now is that it should be decided after the playoffs since Beckett was dominant. They seem to make their argument based on the facts that only benefit their situation without looking at the rest of it. The perfect example was getting caught cheating earlier this year. What if it was the Colts that got caught last year in the playoffs. Do you think they would have had said like they are now, "Everyone does it, so that's OK". No, they would have thrown out the asterisk talk, and the tainted talk, and how they were cheated out of a win, its never ending. With the NL Cy Young award being announced today, I fully expect them to whine that Beckett didn't win that award too. Other topics of their constant bitching this week were: Even though Pedoria won the Rookie of the Year, why didn't Dice-K finish 2nd and any of their other rookies who played in at least one game finish 3rd-10th in voting?; Why did all of the NFL highlight shows on Sunday night only show games from Week 10 and not just highlights from the Patriots first 9 games?; and why on ESPN NFL Countdown, did they only show 6 stories on what Tom Brady did on his bye week, there are 7 days in a week you know? (by the way, in all fairness, i do have a great friend that is a Boston fan. He at least has a sense of humor, he will defend his teams til the end, but at least he will listen to the counter argument without bitching or whining. He offers some outrageous counter points, but they are usually logical and usually quite hilarious). My new theory is that Boston fans don't know how to react when they cant play the "When will we get the respect we deserve" card since they are at the top of all the rankings and now just whine about getting respect for random things, like shiny Cy Young trophies that nobody remembers in 6 months.
Peyton’s Performance Actually an Audition for another Commercial
Peyton Manning threw an uncharacteristic 6 interceptions against the Chargers this weekend. After further review, it was determined that he was actually auditioning for a role in another commercial. This one is for Schlitz Malt Liquor. The premise is for really bad athletes and what they drink after the game. The tag line for the ad is: When #18 plays this bad he could really use a 40” and then he swigs down the whole forty ouncer. Other athletes speculated to be in ads are Ryan Leaf, Rae Carruth (his will involve something around 40 years in prison), Tarvaris Jackson, Adam Morrison and LaTroy Hawkins. It is also rumored that Peyton’s performance was an audition for his first starring role in a movie, The Lifetime Original Movie: The Eli Manning Story.
Matt Millen Escapes Year-long Captivity in Time for the Cardinal Game
In has now been confirmed that Matt Millen has been in captivity for the past year by local Detroit fans, which would go a long way into explaining the Lions 6-2 start. He was able to break free this Sunday morning and make his way into the coach’s booth and immediately start calling plays. This would explain the Lions rushing for -18 yards on 8 carries on Sunday. It was rumored that his first words upon leaving captivity were, “What happened at the draft? Were we able to trade up in the draft by offering all of our draft picks this year and next and Roy Williams to get Brady Quinn with the first pick?”
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Quick Hits - 11/04/07
A new feature, as i am watching the games today, here is what i see:
- I really hate coaches who stick to veterens even though there production doesnt merit it. (you think i am going AP vs Taylor, not yet). Atlanta is sticking with Warrick Dunn who was able to get 100 yds today. On 3.7 yds per carry. His more talented backup Norwood had 6.5 per carry. Why would you start someone who gains twice as much yards?
- Adrian Peterson - Umm, Yeah...he is really good. Anytime he touches the ball you are on the edge of your seat (unless your in Boston, where you say "Yeah but he still sucks, I would rather have Kevin Faulk")
- Was Cincinnati better off when they had the town under a curfew due to the Bengal's being out and about?
- Vince Young...i am i Viking fan so i can't complain about QB's but 14/23 110 yds and 2 Ints. And people think he should be a Heisman winner. Wait, actually that is about right for a Heisman winner, those are Eric Couch stats.
- Speaking of Titans. They pursued a new game plan this week as they put a cheeseburger 3 yards down the field everytime LenDale White ran.
- NE players have taken on the same personality traits as their fans. Any time they get touched they whine and complain to the officials. There was a play today where the receiver pushed off and dropped the pass and complained to the officials that he was interfered with. I despise Boston fans. But now I despise their players too. They are sissies. They take cheap shots and run away, they fall down instead of trying to get the extra yard (Like AP/AD would...he doesnt know the word out of bounds)...oh and they are annoying.
- Brett Favre really wants noone to break his interception record.
- Do you think Kurt Warner will blame God for his 10/30, 2 Int game?
- By the way AD (all day) is awesome and give Vikings hope even if they have Bob Barker back at QB (who in all reality would be better than Tavaris "I can throw it 4 yds short of a player or 4yds over a players head" Jackson.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
A Bill Belichick Halloween
A quick post on what to expect this year if you send your kids trick or treating to Bill Belichick's house:
1. After refusing almost all of your kids candy, he will follow them down the street, continually badgering them about how their costume sucks and isn't anything close to as good as his Tom Brady costume (not really a costume, actually Tom Brady) until they break down and cry.
2. Expect him to hit on your mom, as long as she is married and quite unattractive.
3. Rodney Harrison in the bushes to jump out and clothesline any kid that takes more than one piece of candy.
4. Bear traps in the front yard, cause really, he doesn't give a rats ass about you or your kids (unless you aforementioned above wife)
5. Intern filming any kids that actually make it through the bear traps so he can have Tom Brady adjust the traps before the next set of downs, i mean the next set of kids.
6. If you happen to bring an elder, or someone that came before him with class, he will more than likely spit directly in their face while saying "I don't care that you paved the way for me, or helped me along the way, I am the greatest ever" He will then likely throw them into one of the bear traps.
7. No candy will be issued unless your children sign a document that says that they respect the Patriots and have never disrespected them in any way by such things as "ever thinking that any team is better than a Boston team (even the Bruins), cheering for another team, calling some other team the greatest team ever, rooting for any person (living or dead) that grew up outside of Boston, or secretly hoping that SportsCenter would play at least 2 minutes of sports outside of Boston."
8. Him to be wearing the hoodie, and nothing else (to impress the moms)
9. If your child somehow cheats to get extra candy, he will probably sign him to a mega deal and adopt him
10. To see one of the creepiest looking guys in the world. (Seriously, if your going trick or treating on Wednesday, you may want to try and avoid his house.)
Alright, Weekly NFL post tomorrow
1. After refusing almost all of your kids candy, he will follow them down the street, continually badgering them about how their costume sucks and isn't anything close to as good as his Tom Brady costume (not really a costume, actually Tom Brady) until they break down and cry.
2. Expect him to hit on your mom, as long as she is married and quite unattractive.
3. Rodney Harrison in the bushes to jump out and clothesline any kid that takes more than one piece of candy.
4. Bear traps in the front yard, cause really, he doesn't give a rats ass about you or your kids (unless you aforementioned above wife)
5. Intern filming any kids that actually make it through the bear traps so he can have Tom Brady adjust the traps before the next set of downs, i mean the next set of kids.
6. If you happen to bring an elder, or someone that came before him with class, he will more than likely spit directly in their face while saying "I don't care that you paved the way for me, or helped me along the way, I am the greatest ever" He will then likely throw them into one of the bear traps.
7. No candy will be issued unless your children sign a document that says that they respect the Patriots and have never disrespected them in any way by such things as "ever thinking that any team is better than a Boston team (even the Bruins), cheering for another team, calling some other team the greatest team ever, rooting for any person (living or dead) that grew up outside of Boston, or secretly hoping that SportsCenter would play at least 2 minutes of sports outside of Boston."
8. Him to be wearing the hoodie, and nothing else (to impress the moms)
9. If your child somehow cheats to get extra candy, he will probably sign him to a mega deal and adopt him
10. To see one of the creepiest looking guys in the world. (Seriously, if your going trick or treating on Wednesday, you may want to try and avoid his house.)
Alright, Weekly NFL post tomorrow
Thursday, October 25, 2007
NFL Week 7 - What We Know
Alright, Week 7 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
Did Tarvaris Jackson Finally Admit That He Kinda Sorta Really Sucks?
Jackson was quoted along the lines of saying that he shouldn't be playing if he can’t control the ball. At the time he was referencing this because he might not play this Sunday (Go ahead and cheer Viking Fans) because of a broken finger on his throwing hand. But in reality he has to know that since he (as well as the defense, his receivers, the coaches and the fans) has no idea where the ball is going when it leaves his hand, even without the broken finger, that maybe he shouldn't be playing at all in the NFL, let alone a flag football game at the local beach. Seriously, it wouldn't surprise me if he was trying to hit a receiver 5 yards over the middle, and the ball went ten rows up into the stands, either on one of the sidelines or behind him, kinda like a foul ball.
Testeverde, “Our Bye Week Couldn't Have Come At a Better Time”
After being signed and practicing for 3 days and then playing a full game, 43-year old quarterback Vinnie Testeverde said, “This couldn't have come at a better time for me personally, the bye week. This way I will be able to nap, hit the early bird special for dinner and then hit the sack at 5:30 like my normal schedule. I should really be refreshed for the first series of our next game and then I am not sure. Oh what time is it, I have to get to bingo.” He then proceeded to get in his car and rear end a house. He was unhurt as he was only going 5 miles an hour while trying to peek over the steering wheel.
Bengal’s Ecstatic about WR Return
The Bengal locker room was buzzing for the first time this year with the anticipated return of WR Chris Henry. Said RB Kenny Watson “It has been pretty disciplined around here and that is not how we play our best as you can tell by our record. But not anymore, with Chris coming back, it is gonna get HOT in here. I can’t wait for the parties and the drugs and the guns to return to the locker room, we definitely “play” better unsupervised and Chris will make sure of that.” QB Carson Palmer could be heard screaming in the background, “When are the whores getting here Chris?” Even though he can’t play until after the Bengal’s 8th game, he was allowed to return to practice to get into game shape which I can only believe to mean get his crime level back to pre-suspension levels. Cincinnati police have increased their presence around the Bengal’s practice facility, “He may only start out with some jay-walking and speeding since he isn't in game shape yet, but by week nine we expect him to be at full strength and we should be looking at more serious crimes such shootings, buying elementary kids beer and an all out drugs and hooker parties. We will be ready”, said the Police Chief.
On one last note, while watching the World Series (shouldn't it be North American Series?) tonight. Could Fox possibly squeeze in more promos and interviews that actually take away from the game cause that would be great. Holy Crap. I half expect Joe Buck to go in the first inning "Up next in the Taco Bell sponsored 2nd At Bat of the Inning brought to you by Buick and your local Buick dealers we have Matt Holiday, who when on the road stays at a Holiday Inn Express. His first swing will be brought to you by Menard's, where you will always save more money at Menard's and the first pitch of this at bat will be brought to you by an all new House next week where the doctor acts crazy and pretends he can act. Now here is my partner Tim McCarver who is sponsored by Viagra, Super Strength Greaser Hair Gel and Big Mouths of America, Tim..." and then Tim responding "Thanks Joe, we now turn the cameras back onto the field and while you were presenting the introduction and the camera was staring at us and the ads placed around the field the Rockies hit two HR's each in the first and third innings to take a 5 run lead into the sixth. We now break for commercials brought to you by Nationwide Home Insurance.
It has to STOP! We watch the game for the game, not for Chris Myers interviewing the Taco Bell COO and giving him Hot Sauce while he announces that "everyone" in America will receive a free 79 cent taco if you show up on October 30th at a Taco Bell between the times of 2:00 and 2:02 pm. As Chris Meyers states that this will cost millions???? Ummm, not many people can get to Taco Bell on a workday between the actual hours of 2-5pm.
Alright, more later
Did Tarvaris Jackson Finally Admit That He Kinda Sorta Really Sucks?
Jackson was quoted along the lines of saying that he shouldn't be playing if he can’t control the ball. At the time he was referencing this because he might not play this Sunday (Go ahead and cheer Viking Fans) because of a broken finger on his throwing hand. But in reality he has to know that since he (as well as the defense, his receivers, the coaches and the fans) has no idea where the ball is going when it leaves his hand, even without the broken finger, that maybe he shouldn't be playing at all in the NFL, let alone a flag football game at the local beach. Seriously, it wouldn't surprise me if he was trying to hit a receiver 5 yards over the middle, and the ball went ten rows up into the stands, either on one of the sidelines or behind him, kinda like a foul ball.
Testeverde, “Our Bye Week Couldn't Have Come At a Better Time”
After being signed and practicing for 3 days and then playing a full game, 43-year old quarterback Vinnie Testeverde said, “This couldn't have come at a better time for me personally, the bye week. This way I will be able to nap, hit the early bird special for dinner and then hit the sack at 5:30 like my normal schedule. I should really be refreshed for the first series of our next game and then I am not sure. Oh what time is it, I have to get to bingo.” He then proceeded to get in his car and rear end a house. He was unhurt as he was only going 5 miles an hour while trying to peek over the steering wheel.
Bengal’s Ecstatic about WR Return
The Bengal locker room was buzzing for the first time this year with the anticipated return of WR Chris Henry. Said RB Kenny Watson “It has been pretty disciplined around here and that is not how we play our best as you can tell by our record. But not anymore, with Chris coming back, it is gonna get HOT in here. I can’t wait for the parties and the drugs and the guns to return to the locker room, we definitely “play” better unsupervised and Chris will make sure of that.” QB Carson Palmer could be heard screaming in the background, “When are the whores getting here Chris?” Even though he can’t play until after the Bengal’s 8th game, he was allowed to return to practice to get into game shape which I can only believe to mean get his crime level back to pre-suspension levels. Cincinnati police have increased their presence around the Bengal’s practice facility, “He may only start out with some jay-walking and speeding since he isn't in game shape yet, but by week nine we expect him to be at full strength and we should be looking at more serious crimes such shootings, buying elementary kids beer and an all out drugs and hooker parties. We will be ready”, said the Police Chief.
On one last note, while watching the World Series (shouldn't it be North American Series?) tonight. Could Fox possibly squeeze in more promos and interviews that actually take away from the game cause that would be great. Holy Crap. I half expect Joe Buck to go in the first inning "Up next in the Taco Bell sponsored 2nd At Bat of the Inning brought to you by Buick and your local Buick dealers we have Matt Holiday, who when on the road stays at a Holiday Inn Express. His first swing will be brought to you by Menard's, where you will always save more money at Menard's and the first pitch of this at bat will be brought to you by an all new House next week where the doctor acts crazy and pretends he can act. Now here is my partner Tim McCarver who is sponsored by Viagra, Super Strength Greaser Hair Gel and Big Mouths of America, Tim..." and then Tim responding "Thanks Joe, we now turn the cameras back onto the field and while you were presenting the introduction and the camera was staring at us and the ads placed around the field the Rockies hit two HR's each in the first and third innings to take a 5 run lead into the sixth. We now break for commercials brought to you by Nationwide Home Insurance.
It has to STOP! We watch the game for the game, not for Chris Myers interviewing the Taco Bell COO and giving him Hot Sauce while he announces that "everyone" in America will receive a free 79 cent taco if you show up on October 30th at a Taco Bell between the times of 2:00 and 2:02 pm. As Chris Meyers states that this will cost millions???? Ummm, not many people can get to Taco Bell on a workday between the actual hours of 2-5pm.
Alright, more later
Update
Alright, back after a short hiatus. I could give you a bunch of lame excuses like:
Some A-hole took out all the keys on the keyboard and replaced them with Rubik's cube squares which lent to articles about Eli Manning that read "d0*se57sei_"dj," (i really like the orange squares if you can't tell. There shiny)
I was kidnapped by a group of people that shocking resembled The Mannings, Bonds, A-Hod, Kobe, & Travis Henry (though he was only trying to make babies with me to be fair)
or, I was mesmerized by this new TMZ show where i guess i must need to know where Britney, Lindsay and Paris are at all times since it is on TV and all and some TV exec green lighted it. If they had the show about me some of the stories would be "Hey there he is Mike taking a crap" or "Mike made some Mac & Cheese for dinner"
Anyways,
I will be writing more in the coming weeks. I will try to keep the weekly NFL column but may mix it in with some other sports news that need mocking, much like my previous Headlines columns. Also hoping to get a fantasy column going each week as well as stories that either parody or satire the hot news of the week.
New column tomorrow.
Some A-hole took out all the keys on the keyboard and replaced them with Rubik's cube squares which lent to articles about Eli Manning that read "d0*se57sei_"dj," (i really like the orange squares if you can't tell. There shiny)
I was kidnapped by a group of people that shocking resembled The Mannings, Bonds, A-Hod, Kobe, & Travis Henry (though he was only trying to make babies with me to be fair)
or, I was mesmerized by this new TMZ show where i guess i must need to know where Britney, Lindsay and Paris are at all times since it is on TV and all and some TV exec green lighted it. If they had the show about me some of the stories would be "Hey there he is Mike taking a crap" or "Mike made some Mac & Cheese for dinner"
Anyways,
I will be writing more in the coming weeks. I will try to keep the weekly NFL column but may mix it in with some other sports news that need mocking, much like my previous Headlines columns. Also hoping to get a fantasy column going each week as well as stories that either parody or satire the hot news of the week.
New column tomorrow.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
NFL Week 5 - What We Know
Alright, Week 5 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
Viking’s Offense Performs Defensive Drills During Bye Week
The Vikings pulled an odd move on their bye week by having their offensive players go through defense and tackling drills. This is in anticipation for the return of Tavaris Jackson as quarterback after missing two weeks due to injury. Coach Brad Childress had this to say, “With Jackson back, we have to prepare our offense for his many, many interceptions that we anticipate he will throw. The first two weeks our offensive team looked like a Pee Wee football team trying to make a tackle. You have offensive lineman running while flailing their arms like schoolgirls and our QB trying to avoid contact like Deion Sanders did when he tried to “tackle”. So we need to get back to the basics like tackling does include making contact. Our offense is going to have to make almost as many tackles as the defense now with Jackson back in there”.
KC Chiefs Offensive Line Helping Herm Edwards Limit Larry Johnson’s Carries
Herm Edwards had a goal this year to limit LJ’s carries to under 1200 this year. To accomplish this, he has assembled the worst offensive line possible. He claims, “Hey, if LJ can only get 12 yards on 9 carries, these guys must really suck. This way I won’t be tempted to run if we want to try and win games and at the end of the year my job will be safe because I can throw the offensive line under the bus when questioned about it.
Norv Turner Shows LT2 How It’s Done
When I saw the box score for the SD-Denver game I was a little shocked to see these stats: Turner 10-147 yards and Turner 74 yd TD run. I guess Norv was a little upset with the media criticism and with LT2’s performance that he decided to take matters into his own hands and show everyone how easy it is. I am guessing that Norv put up those stats while wearing one of those leather helmets without a face mask just to further cement his point. Either way, I am picking him up in my fantasy league.
Viking’s Offense Performs Defensive Drills During Bye Week
The Vikings pulled an odd move on their bye week by having their offensive players go through defense and tackling drills. This is in anticipation for the return of Tavaris Jackson as quarterback after missing two weeks due to injury. Coach Brad Childress had this to say, “With Jackson back, we have to prepare our offense for his many, many interceptions that we anticipate he will throw. The first two weeks our offensive team looked like a Pee Wee football team trying to make a tackle. You have offensive lineman running while flailing their arms like schoolgirls and our QB trying to avoid contact like Deion Sanders did when he tried to “tackle”. So we need to get back to the basics like tackling does include making contact. Our offense is going to have to make almost as many tackles as the defense now with Jackson back in there”.
KC Chiefs Offensive Line Helping Herm Edwards Limit Larry Johnson’s Carries
Herm Edwards had a goal this year to limit LJ’s carries to under 1200 this year. To accomplish this, he has assembled the worst offensive line possible. He claims, “Hey, if LJ can only get 12 yards on 9 carries, these guys must really suck. This way I won’t be tempted to run if we want to try and win games and at the end of the year my job will be safe because I can throw the offensive line under the bus when questioned about it.
Norv Turner Shows LT2 How It’s Done
When I saw the box score for the SD-Denver game I was a little shocked to see these stats: Turner 10-147 yards and Turner 74 yd TD run. I guess Norv was a little upset with the media criticism and with LT2’s performance that he decided to take matters into his own hands and show everyone how easy it is. I am guessing that Norv put up those stats while wearing one of those leather helmets without a face mask just to further cement his point. Either way, I am picking him up in my fantasy league.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Fantasy Foursome - Group 2
What would happen if Brett Favre, Donovan McNabb, Travis Henry & David Beckham golfed together in a foursome…?
Brett Favre arrives 1 hour early, you know because he is perfect and all. There is some rustling in the bushes behind the tee box and you hear some faint voices saying:
Faint Voice #1: Look at that, 1 hour early.
Faint Voice #2: Look at that perfect form warming up. Look at the way he stretches, each muscle is stretched perfectly in sync with the others
Faint Voice #1: Yes, you see what he did there. He grabbed his ball first and then BAM! He grabs his tee. Perfect form and the perfect guy for this situation.
The other three arrive. McNabb in a mini-van with his mom driving. Travis Henry in a Cheech and Chong van with smoke pouring out of it as he opens the doors. And Beckham in a stretch limo with his wife.
Henry: Yo, Becks. Who’s that you got caddying? Skanky Spice?
Beckham: This is my lovely wife Victoria.
Henry shakes her hand.
Victoria: Honey, I feel something rumbling in my stomach. Oh My!
Skanky Spice delivers twins right there on the course.
Victoria: I don’t think these are yours honey.
Henry: Damn, third time that has happened today.
Favre steps up to the tee and hits a 350 yard drive right down the middle without even swinging his club. McNabb hits next and dribbles one to the ladies tee.
McNabb: I was bothered by that rustling in the brush over there. Wasn't my fault. It’s probably TO’s. Travis, can you check to see what’s back there?
Travis walks up to two men staring at Favre through the bushes.
Henry: Whoa, its John Madden and Al Michaels! Guy’s c’mon, put your pants back on. And John, is that a whole turkey in your mouth?
Henry now steps to the tee box, pulls out some grass of the ground, flings it into the air to see which way the wind is blowing. A single blade of grass strikes Beckham in the shoulder.
Beckham: Owww! My Shoulder!!! I think it is separated. I won’t ever be able to play golf again.
Henry then pulls some more grass out and smokes it.
Walking down the first fairway, McNabb picks up his ball and moves it up 300 yards next to Favre's.
McNabb: I am a black QB, i have to work harder to be appreciated so i get to place by ball next to Brett's.
McNabb's Mom: Who Wants Chunky Soup!!!
Henry: I will, C'mon over...
McNabb: Hey, you stay away from her. I will have some, mama.
Beckham: I will have some too, but you will need to feed it to me as i think i need a body cast as a bug just flew into my knee and blew it out.
As she walks over to feed Beckham, she slips on Donovan's vomit from eating the soup and throws it into Beckhams face.
Beckham: Ohhh, I cant see. Wait that is a good thing, then i wont have to endure the Spice Girls reunion tour that nobody asked for.
Victoria obviously tired of his routine pushes him out of the cart where he lands on a tee which pokes him and he bleeds to death.
Up to hole 7.
McNabb: Wow Brett, we have the same score.
Favre: Well that's because you keep moving your ball up to mine and when you get on the green you say you don't need to putt, cause you had to work harder to get here.
Beer cart approaches.
Henry: Let me get first crack at her.
Favre: Let me at least get a beer first
Henry: OK man.
Beer cart shows up with what looks to be Madden in drag.
Beer Cart "Girl": Hi Brett! Hi Brett! Hi Brett!
Favre: Beer please. My stubbly beard tells me i should drink a beer.
Beer Cart "Girl": I tried to grow stubble like you, but i have too many chins and couldn't get it even. Will you sign my massive chest so i can get a tattoo of it.
Henry approaches: Hey, How you Doing my Lady? What! What the Hell is that? You look like Madden in drag, though i would still nail ya.
McNabb: Hey everyone, look over here at me. Do you know anyone who could interview me? Is Jim Gray available?
The group finishes up.
McNabb's Mom: What did everyone get?
Favre: 10-under
McNabb: 11-under, you know to adjust for me being a black QB
Henry: 4 of them
Favre: What does 4 of them mean?
Henry: 4 pregnancies.
McNabb's Mom: What about Beckham?
Group: Who?
Alright that is round two of the golf fantasy foursome, should have the NFL review up tomorrow and then after this weekend more posts as time becomes more free...
Brett Favre arrives 1 hour early, you know because he is perfect and all. There is some rustling in the bushes behind the tee box and you hear some faint voices saying:
Faint Voice #1: Look at that, 1 hour early.
Faint Voice #2: Look at that perfect form warming up. Look at the way he stretches, each muscle is stretched perfectly in sync with the others
Faint Voice #1: Yes, you see what he did there. He grabbed his ball first and then BAM! He grabs his tee. Perfect form and the perfect guy for this situation.
The other three arrive. McNabb in a mini-van with his mom driving. Travis Henry in a Cheech and Chong van with smoke pouring out of it as he opens the doors. And Beckham in a stretch limo with his wife.
Henry: Yo, Becks. Who’s that you got caddying? Skanky Spice?
Beckham: This is my lovely wife Victoria.
Henry shakes her hand.
Victoria: Honey, I feel something rumbling in my stomach. Oh My!
Skanky Spice delivers twins right there on the course.
Victoria: I don’t think these are yours honey.
Henry: Damn, third time that has happened today.
Favre steps up to the tee and hits a 350 yard drive right down the middle without even swinging his club. McNabb hits next and dribbles one to the ladies tee.
McNabb: I was bothered by that rustling in the brush over there. Wasn't my fault. It’s probably TO’s. Travis, can you check to see what’s back there?
Travis walks up to two men staring at Favre through the bushes.
Henry: Whoa, its John Madden and Al Michaels! Guy’s c’mon, put your pants back on. And John, is that a whole turkey in your mouth?
Henry now steps to the tee box, pulls out some grass of the ground, flings it into the air to see which way the wind is blowing. A single blade of grass strikes Beckham in the shoulder.
Beckham: Owww! My Shoulder!!! I think it is separated. I won’t ever be able to play golf again.
Henry then pulls some more grass out and smokes it.
Walking down the first fairway, McNabb picks up his ball and moves it up 300 yards next to Favre's.
McNabb: I am a black QB, i have to work harder to be appreciated so i get to place by ball next to Brett's.
McNabb's Mom: Who Wants Chunky Soup!!!
Henry: I will, C'mon over...
McNabb: Hey, you stay away from her. I will have some, mama.
Beckham: I will have some too, but you will need to feed it to me as i think i need a body cast as a bug just flew into my knee and blew it out.
As she walks over to feed Beckham, she slips on Donovan's vomit from eating the soup and throws it into Beckhams face.
Beckham: Ohhh, I cant see. Wait that is a good thing, then i wont have to endure the Spice Girls reunion tour that nobody asked for.
Victoria obviously tired of his routine pushes him out of the cart where he lands on a tee which pokes him and he bleeds to death.
Up to hole 7.
McNabb: Wow Brett, we have the same score.
Favre: Well that's because you keep moving your ball up to mine and when you get on the green you say you don't need to putt, cause you had to work harder to get here.
Beer cart approaches.
Henry: Let me get first crack at her.
Favre: Let me at least get a beer first
Henry: OK man.
Beer cart shows up with what looks to be Madden in drag.
Beer Cart "Girl": Hi Brett! Hi Brett! Hi Brett!
Favre: Beer please. My stubbly beard tells me i should drink a beer.
Beer Cart "Girl": I tried to grow stubble like you, but i have too many chins and couldn't get it even. Will you sign my massive chest so i can get a tattoo of it.
Henry approaches: Hey, How you Doing my Lady? What! What the Hell is that? You look like Madden in drag, though i would still nail ya.
McNabb: Hey everyone, look over here at me. Do you know anyone who could interview me? Is Jim Gray available?
The group finishes up.
McNabb's Mom: What did everyone get?
Favre: 10-under
McNabb: 11-under, you know to adjust for me being a black QB
Henry: 4 of them
Favre: What does 4 of them mean?
Henry: 4 pregnancies.
McNabb's Mom: What about Beckham?
Group: Who?
Alright that is round two of the golf fantasy foursome, should have the NFL review up tomorrow and then after this weekend more posts as time becomes more free...
Thursday, October 4, 2007
NFL Week 4 - What We Know
Alright, Week 4 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
DeAngelo Hall wants to play for a Team that allows 67 yards worth of penalties on a drive without a $100k fine.
DeAngelo Hall, the man, I mean girl, who threw a hissyfit when faced with playing against Steve Smith thus garnering up 67 yards in penalties on Carolina’s game winning drive, has now requested to be traded. Now normally this wouldn't be seen as news, since all 52 players on the Atlanta Falcons have requested to be traded, but I am guessing the trade offers they get back will be by giggling GM’s of other teams. I can see offers such as, “Yeah, how about we trade you Hugh Jayhole for him?” or possibly “We will give you Jack Mehoff and a 73rd round pick in next years draft for him” by other GM’s.
Derek Anderson impregnates a member of the Dawgpound
After 3 stellar games as the new QB of the Cleveland Browns, Derek Anderson has taken the lead of several other stars in the league. “I know I am relatively new so I am not going to get babes pregnant close to the quality of Tom Brady or Matt Leinart or the quantity of Travis Henry. I have to work my way up the ladder and what better place to start than the Dawgpound”, he claimed. “I guess I went for the mass of a babe pregnant. At least I thought it was a babe, she did have a little hair on her chin. Oh, I hope it wasn't a dude, if it was, Brady Quinn is going to be so mad.”
Owens kills entire Dallas receivers
After accumulating a measly (but normal) 3 catches for 33 yards on Sunday against the Rams, Dallas WR Terrell Owens killed each and every one of Dallas’ receivers. In what amounts to a fit of jealousy as talented receivers such as Patrick Crayton and Jason Witten amassed massive catches and yards on the day. “Yeah, I killed them, every last one of them, Running Backs too. How is TO suppose to be TO if other players get to catch more balls than him? Huh? You answer me that and you will see why they needed to go”. Lost in this “truth”, are the facts. Of Tony Romo’s 12 incompletions, 11 were drops by him that were right in his hands and one was an overthrow of TO as he started his TD celebration before the ball arrived and it sailed over his head. On Romo’s interception, TO saw a defender within 5 yards of him and just gave up on the play. Asked what they are going to do on Sunday, Coach Wade Phillips said, “Well, I guess we will use 9 lineman and throw the ball to TO. We had some receivers on the practice squad but he got those too.” It was determined that the cause of death, was having to watch a video of a TO Hollywood celebrity party that he threw where only 6 people showed up. Carrot Top, Mindy Cohn and 4 people passing by that had to use the bathroom.
NFC has parity…of sucktatude
The two teams from last years NFC Championship game are a combined 1-6 this year. Meanwhile, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Detroit are a combined 10-2. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that Dallas and Seattle are good. I don’t know how to explain this except that the NFC sucks bad enough that Notre Dame could win a game, who am I kidding, no they couldn't.
Chicago offense doesn't see drop in ineptitude with Griese at QB.
Brian Griese was able to continue with the Bears game plan with 3 interceptions on Sunday. He was almost benched in the first quarter for Kyle Orton after throwing a TD pass, which was followed by a celebration so crazy it was compared to a TO celebration after catching a 3 yard pass on 3rd and 24. Each player involved in the celebration was fined $100k by Lovie Smith and their offense got back to normal. As a side note, if you have three QB’s and they are named Gross Man, Greasy, and Captain CaveOrton, you may want to think about installing some showers in the locker room.
David Carr seen standing on the field an hour after game was completed
An hour after the Carolina-Houston tilt on Sunday, David Carr was seen on the field trying to line up under center, even though there was nobody left on the field. He would fake snap the ball and then start running for his life. In an interview after the game Carr said “I know I saw Texans helmets on the field and I was only sacked three times, so I thought the game couldn't have been finished yet, as I should have been sacked at least 10 more times”. At one point he was seen running up the tunnel, presumably to see if it was maybe halftime and everyone in the stadium had to go pee and get a beer. But he returned minutes later for one last check and then started running into the goalpost repeatedly and falling down for several minutes. After he got up the last time he muttered, “Now, that feels right for a Texans game”.
As always, more posts will be happening soon...
DeAngelo Hall wants to play for a Team that allows 67 yards worth of penalties on a drive without a $100k fine.
DeAngelo Hall, the man, I mean girl, who threw a hissyfit when faced with playing against Steve Smith thus garnering up 67 yards in penalties on Carolina’s game winning drive, has now requested to be traded. Now normally this wouldn't be seen as news, since all 52 players on the Atlanta Falcons have requested to be traded, but I am guessing the trade offers they get back will be by giggling GM’s of other teams. I can see offers such as, “Yeah, how about we trade you Hugh Jayhole for him?” or possibly “We will give you Jack Mehoff and a 73rd round pick in next years draft for him” by other GM’s.
Derek Anderson impregnates a member of the Dawgpound
After 3 stellar games as the new QB of the Cleveland Browns, Derek Anderson has taken the lead of several other stars in the league. “I know I am relatively new so I am not going to get babes pregnant close to the quality of Tom Brady or Matt Leinart or the quantity of Travis Henry. I have to work my way up the ladder and what better place to start than the Dawgpound”, he claimed. “I guess I went for the mass of a babe pregnant. At least I thought it was a babe, she did have a little hair on her chin. Oh, I hope it wasn't a dude, if it was, Brady Quinn is going to be so mad.”
Owens kills entire Dallas receivers
After accumulating a measly (but normal) 3 catches for 33 yards on Sunday against the Rams, Dallas WR Terrell Owens killed each and every one of Dallas’ receivers. In what amounts to a fit of jealousy as talented receivers such as Patrick Crayton and Jason Witten amassed massive catches and yards on the day. “Yeah, I killed them, every last one of them, Running Backs too. How is TO suppose to be TO if other players get to catch more balls than him? Huh? You answer me that and you will see why they needed to go”. Lost in this “truth”, are the facts. Of Tony Romo’s 12 incompletions, 11 were drops by him that were right in his hands and one was an overthrow of TO as he started his TD celebration before the ball arrived and it sailed over his head. On Romo’s interception, TO saw a defender within 5 yards of him and just gave up on the play. Asked what they are going to do on Sunday, Coach Wade Phillips said, “Well, I guess we will use 9 lineman and throw the ball to TO. We had some receivers on the practice squad but he got those too.” It was determined that the cause of death, was having to watch a video of a TO Hollywood celebrity party that he threw where only 6 people showed up. Carrot Top, Mindy Cohn and 4 people passing by that had to use the bathroom.
NFC has parity…of sucktatude
The two teams from last years NFC Championship game are a combined 1-6 this year. Meanwhile, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Detroit are a combined 10-2. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that Dallas and Seattle are good. I don’t know how to explain this except that the NFC sucks bad enough that Notre Dame could win a game, who am I kidding, no they couldn't.
Chicago offense doesn't see drop in ineptitude with Griese at QB.
Brian Griese was able to continue with the Bears game plan with 3 interceptions on Sunday. He was almost benched in the first quarter for Kyle Orton after throwing a TD pass, which was followed by a celebration so crazy it was compared to a TO celebration after catching a 3 yard pass on 3rd and 24. Each player involved in the celebration was fined $100k by Lovie Smith and their offense got back to normal. As a side note, if you have three QB’s and they are named Gross Man, Greasy, and Captain CaveOrton, you may want to think about installing some showers in the locker room.
David Carr seen standing on the field an hour after game was completed
An hour after the Carolina-Houston tilt on Sunday, David Carr was seen on the field trying to line up under center, even though there was nobody left on the field. He would fake snap the ball and then start running for his life. In an interview after the game Carr said “I know I saw Texans helmets on the field and I was only sacked three times, so I thought the game couldn't have been finished yet, as I should have been sacked at least 10 more times”. At one point he was seen running up the tunnel, presumably to see if it was maybe halftime and everyone in the stadium had to go pee and get a beer. But he returned minutes later for one last check and then started running into the goalpost repeatedly and falling down for several minutes. After he got up the last time he muttered, “Now, that feels right for a Texans game”.
As always, more posts will be happening soon...
Thursday, September 27, 2007
NFL Week 3 - What We Know
Alright, Week 3 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
This New GB QB Isn't Half Bad
I am not sure who GB got this off season to be their starting QB but he has them off to a 3-0 start and is looking good. All I know is it can’t be the guy from last two years who littered the sky with interceptions. I know the guy they had last year had at least 46 news conferences during the off season to announce his retirement, he had to retire during one of them didn't he?
Raiders Win First Game Since 1996
The Oakland Raiders won their first game this decade after they were able to wake up a passed-out Sebastian Janikowski for a 4th quarter FG that ended up being the difference in the final score. Said new Coach Lane Kiffin, “From what I hear, he is normally smashed by the 2nd quarter, but by then we are usually so far out of the game that we don’t need him. So basically we just assign a rookie to him to keep him from putting any Ecstasy in the cheerleader’s water bottles. Actually, we don’t even wake him up after the game and just let the grounds crew deal with giving him a ride home.” Since this was a close game, the Raiders were lucky Janikowski was able to convert on 2 short 2nd quarter field goals, even though he was completely tanked. The first one, a 22yd attempt, bounced off both uprights causing Janikowski to fall down trying to keep track of the ball and the second one ricocheted off of the long snappers head and through the uprights causing him to giggle uncontrollably until halftime.
God Must Like Kitna Better than Warner
It was revealed last week that a higher power really likes Jon Kitna as his concussion was healed and he was able to finish the game and beat the Vikings, though I am pretty sure a drunken llama could have played QB and beaten the Vikings. This week he or she was at work again as he or she turned Kurt Warner back into a serviceable NFL QB, which could only be a miracle. But, in the end, the Cardinals ended up losing the game, so Warner must not be liked that much. It could possibly be that the higher power is not exactly happy with Mr. Warner’s gay marriage to his partner Brenda.
OK, a condensed version this week due to yesterday's issues but trust me the storylines that were in the original post that didn't make this version will be used later and possibly still relevent, hopefully another column tomorrow...and then we will have a full version recap of week 4 next week.
This New GB QB Isn't Half Bad
I am not sure who GB got this off season to be their starting QB but he has them off to a 3-0 start and is looking good. All I know is it can’t be the guy from last two years who littered the sky with interceptions. I know the guy they had last year had at least 46 news conferences during the off season to announce his retirement, he had to retire during one of them didn't he?
Raiders Win First Game Since 1996
The Oakland Raiders won their first game this decade after they were able to wake up a passed-out Sebastian Janikowski for a 4th quarter FG that ended up being the difference in the final score. Said new Coach Lane Kiffin, “From what I hear, he is normally smashed by the 2nd quarter, but by then we are usually so far out of the game that we don’t need him. So basically we just assign a rookie to him to keep him from putting any Ecstasy in the cheerleader’s water bottles. Actually, we don’t even wake him up after the game and just let the grounds crew deal with giving him a ride home.” Since this was a close game, the Raiders were lucky Janikowski was able to convert on 2 short 2nd quarter field goals, even though he was completely tanked. The first one, a 22yd attempt, bounced off both uprights causing Janikowski to fall down trying to keep track of the ball and the second one ricocheted off of the long snappers head and through the uprights causing him to giggle uncontrollably until halftime.
God Must Like Kitna Better than Warner
It was revealed last week that a higher power really likes Jon Kitna as his concussion was healed and he was able to finish the game and beat the Vikings, though I am pretty sure a drunken llama could have played QB and beaten the Vikings. This week he or she was at work again as he or she turned Kurt Warner back into a serviceable NFL QB, which could only be a miracle. But, in the end, the Cardinals ended up losing the game, so Warner must not be liked that much. It could possibly be that the higher power is not exactly happy with Mr. Warner’s gay marriage to his partner Brenda.
OK, a condensed version this week due to yesterday's issues but trust me the storylines that were in the original post that didn't make this version will be used later and possibly still relevent, hopefully another column tomorrow...and then we will have a full version recap of week 4 next week.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
NFL Week 3 - What We Learned (Delayed)
I had a really funny post this week and after spending hours on it, i tried to post it and blogspot errored out and deleted it. So instead of doing a half-assed post, i will rewrite it tomorrow and have it up along with another column
NFL Week 3 - What We Know
Week 3 is in the books, here is what we have learned:
This QB that GB got is pretty darn good:
This young kid has GB off to a 3-0 start this year, even with RB's who seem to think that games are won a 1/2 yard at a time. This QB is much better than the guy they have had the past few years who lit up the skies with interceptions. Good thing for GB, that that guy finally retired or at least i think he did, he had 45 retirement news conferences so he must have retired at one of them and GB brought on this new guy who, well doesn't throw interceptions faster than Lindsay Lohan can say "No, Nooooo...I is OK to driiive...I'll juuust put the cocaine in my pocket...they will never look theere!"
Oakland Get 1st Win since 1996
The Raiders were able to secure their first victory of the decade when they were able to awaken Kicker Sebastian Janakowski for a 48 yard FG in the 4th quarter which ended up being the game-winner. Normally, Janakowski couldn't be relied on by the Raider's as his is usually smashed by the 2nd quarter. Nothing changed in this game as he was smashed by quarter two but only had to kick a 22 & 23 yarder, one which banked off the goalpost 4 times before going through, and the other which ricocheted off his long-snapper's helmet and through the goalposts.
God still doesn't like Kurt Warner's Gay Marriage
After last week's "miracle" recovery of Jon Kitna to assist in the Lions win over NFL powerhouse, the Vikings, he focused his intentions on the Cardinal's this week as another devout follower took over the QB reigns. This time it was Kurt Warner, and even though he let him rally the Cardinals, they came up just short against the Ravens. This could be for one or two reasons. Maybe God doesn't approve of Kurt's gay marriage to Brenda, or, like everyone else, he is afraid of Ray Lewis.
Fantasy Football Fanatic seen on local roof with a sniper rifle.
After this past weekends rash of injuries to running backs and wide receivers, a local Cincinnati resident was seen climbing up on a roof with what appeared to be a sniper rifle. In a note to the press he claimed "I posted a question on ESPN's daily fantasy chats and it hasn't been answered. All i wanted to know was the condition of Rudi Johnson and if Kenny Watson was going to be a good pickup. I posted the question 1000 times in two hours with no answer. I know they say not to post more than once, but i needed this answered. They answered Brian from Lexington's question earlier in the chat with the same topic, but it wasn't phrased as good as mine and if i don't get mine answered, I can't tell my friends i got posted online at ESPN and thus catch up in our weekly pool of how many questions we can get answered to fill our need for recognition of obvious questions." As he was climbing up the roof he was heard shouting "Damn you TMR! Talented my Ass! I know you saw my question and it was the most important of the week. Damn you all to Hell!"
Mike Tomlin upset that he is 1 year too late.
Tomlin, the coach of the 3-0 Pittsburgh Steelers, is upset that he didn't get the reigns to the Steeler organization 1 year earlier so he could have had a chance to be involved in the first Super Bowl with two black head coaches. He is hopeful this year though that he can be involved in the first Black Head Coach vs a White Head Coach Who Actually Think Mustaches Are Still Hip in the Super Bowl should the Eagles, Vikings or the Seahawks make the Super Bowl.
Ok, that is it for this week, and as you can see i have left the Manning Dorks alone, as well as the NE Cheatriots...oh wait, i guess that mention means they are here, but i won't label them.
This QB that GB got is pretty darn good:
This young kid has GB off to a 3-0 start this year, even with RB's who seem to think that games are won a 1/2 yard at a time. This QB is much better than the guy they have had the past few years who lit up the skies with interceptions. Good thing for GB, that that guy finally retired or at least i think he did, he had 45 retirement news conferences so he must have retired at one of them and GB brought on this new guy who, well doesn't throw interceptions faster than Lindsay Lohan can say "No, Nooooo...I is OK to driiive...I'll juuust put the cocaine in my pocket...they will never look theere!"
Oakland Get 1st Win since 1996
The Raiders were able to secure their first victory of the decade when they were able to awaken Kicker Sebastian Janakowski for a 48 yard FG in the 4th quarter which ended up being the game-winner. Normally, Janakowski couldn't be relied on by the Raider's as his is usually smashed by the 2nd quarter. Nothing changed in this game as he was smashed by quarter two but only had to kick a 22 & 23 yarder, one which banked off the goalpost 4 times before going through, and the other which ricocheted off his long-snapper's helmet and through the goalposts.
God still doesn't like Kurt Warner's Gay Marriage
After last week's "miracle" recovery of Jon Kitna to assist in the Lions win over NFL powerhouse, the Vikings, he focused his intentions on the Cardinal's this week as another devout follower took over the QB reigns. This time it was Kurt Warner, and even though he let him rally the Cardinals, they came up just short against the Ravens. This could be for one or two reasons. Maybe God doesn't approve of Kurt's gay marriage to Brenda, or, like everyone else, he is afraid of Ray Lewis.
Fantasy Football Fanatic seen on local roof with a sniper rifle.
After this past weekends rash of injuries to running backs and wide receivers, a local Cincinnati resident was seen climbing up on a roof with what appeared to be a sniper rifle. In a note to the press he claimed "I posted a question on ESPN's daily fantasy chats and it hasn't been answered. All i wanted to know was the condition of Rudi Johnson and if Kenny Watson was going to be a good pickup. I posted the question 1000 times in two hours with no answer. I know they say not to post more than once, but i needed this answered. They answered Brian from Lexington's question earlier in the chat with the same topic, but it wasn't phrased as good as mine and if i don't get mine answered, I can't tell my friends i got posted online at ESPN and thus catch up in our weekly pool of how many questions we can get answered to fill our need for recognition of obvious questions." As he was climbing up the roof he was heard shouting "Damn you TMR! Talented my Ass! I know you saw my question and it was the most important of the week. Damn you all to Hell!"
Mike Tomlin upset that he is 1 year too late.
Tomlin, the coach of the 3-0 Pittsburgh Steelers, is upset that he didn't get the reigns to the Steeler organization 1 year earlier so he could have had a chance to be involved in the first Super Bowl with two black head coaches. He is hopeful this year though that he can be involved in the first Black Head Coach vs a White Head Coach Who Actually Think Mustaches Are Still Hip in the Super Bowl should the Eagles, Vikings or the Seahawks make the Super Bowl.
Ok, that is it for this week, and as you can see i have left the Manning Dorks alone, as well as the NE Cheatriots...oh wait, i guess that mention means they are here, but i won't label them.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Fantasy Foursome - Group 1
Now that the exciting FedEx Cup has ended, we need a way to keep golf on the map as the mega rich golfers go on their 4 month vacations (oh wait, they might play golf 1 week during that time, whoa, grueling to have to play golf on your vacation). Anyways, a new feature here will be "Dream Foursomes", which will pit sports stars in the news and what would happen if they golfed together. The first one may be a little shoddy, but give it a shot (as i already have 5 lined up):
What if OJ Simpson, Isiah Thomas, Terrell Owens, & Bill Belichick played a round:
Tee Box, Hole 1
TO: Hey OJ, I understand your 60 and all, but who is that caddying for you?
OJ's Caddy: THIS IS AC!!! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO I AM!!!!
Belichick (BB): I'll go first, don't mind the camera's. Whoa, shanked that one. Mulligan.
After 17 mulligans, BB finally hits one in the fairway.
BB: I think i will take that one, but let me review the film.
TO is next on the box and dribble's one barely past the ladies tee and goes into a wild celebration.
Isiah Thomas (IT): Dude, why do you celebrate like that, I only celebrate when i completely destroy a league, franchise or my life.
TO: All my fans need to know when to celebrate as they aren't real bright, kinda like when i get 9 yards on a 3rd and 13, they got to celebrate TO making a catch without dropping it, so I celebrate.
OJ stumbles out of the woods carrying a burlap sack that looks like it holds a body.
BB: Hey, what do you have in that sack OJ? A Spy?
OJ: No, No, No man. Its the prize for the winner. Its a married woman willing to do anything. My turn, AC give me my gun, i mean Driver.
OJ hits one into the woods, a pretty good hiding place.
IT: Hey, why can't i have a woman put the ball on the tee for me?
TO: Why do you need women, when you can have this? (Rips off shirt, does sit-ups)
Move forward to hole 7...
IT: Hey, here comes the beer bitch! Hey Bill, your not allowed to call her bitch, that is degrading.
Beer Cart Girl Arrives
BB: Are you married?
OJ: Hey Bill! You have my s**t, up against the wall #@$%&!
BB: Umm, there is no wall
IT: Hey woman, if you want a tip, maybe you should open my bottle if you know what i mean
TO: (Off in the distance doing a celebration dance) Hey look at me! Look at me!!!
Beer Cart Girl speeds off, but not before BB has taken 3 cases of beer, 25 Snickers and the steering wheel. She ends up driving straight into a tree and the golf cart goes into flames.
OJ: Bill, give me that steering wheel, i need to get my fingerprints on it so i can be on the cover of US Weekly and become relevent again!
We fast forward to them walking off of 18.
BB: Ok, what did everyone get for the day, I got an 18. Yep, hole in one on every hole.
TO: Wait we were keeping score, i haven't hit a ball since hole one. With all of Bill's camera's around, i was just doing celebration dances! You don't need to accomplish anything to do a dance! -1 yard gain? Celebrate cause the best WR caught a pass, need to celebrate.
IT: Well, i got a 69 if you know what i mean. Wait, there are no women around, let me save that joke.
OJ: Yo AC! Grab that burlap sack and put it on the hood. It is rush hour and all the traffic helicopter's are out!
Ok, that is the first installment, it might need a little tweaking but i think this will be a running column.
What if OJ Simpson, Isiah Thomas, Terrell Owens, & Bill Belichick played a round:
Tee Box, Hole 1
TO: Hey OJ, I understand your 60 and all, but who is that caddying for you?
OJ's Caddy: THIS IS AC!!! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO I AM!!!!
Belichick (BB): I'll go first, don't mind the camera's. Whoa, shanked that one. Mulligan.
After 17 mulligans, BB finally hits one in the fairway.
BB: I think i will take that one, but let me review the film.
TO is next on the box and dribble's one barely past the ladies tee and goes into a wild celebration.
Isiah Thomas (IT): Dude, why do you celebrate like that, I only celebrate when i completely destroy a league, franchise or my life.
TO: All my fans need to know when to celebrate as they aren't real bright, kinda like when i get 9 yards on a 3rd and 13, they got to celebrate TO making a catch without dropping it, so I celebrate.
OJ stumbles out of the woods carrying a burlap sack that looks like it holds a body.
BB: Hey, what do you have in that sack OJ? A Spy?
OJ: No, No, No man. Its the prize for the winner. Its a married woman willing to do anything. My turn, AC give me my gun, i mean Driver.
OJ hits one into the woods, a pretty good hiding place.
IT: Hey, why can't i have a woman put the ball on the tee for me?
TO: Why do you need women, when you can have this? (Rips off shirt, does sit-ups)
Move forward to hole 7...
IT: Hey, here comes the beer bitch! Hey Bill, your not allowed to call her bitch, that is degrading.
Beer Cart Girl Arrives
BB: Are you married?
OJ: Hey Bill! You have my s**t, up against the wall #@$%&!
BB: Umm, there is no wall
IT: Hey woman, if you want a tip, maybe you should open my bottle if you know what i mean
TO: (Off in the distance doing a celebration dance) Hey look at me! Look at me!!!
Beer Cart Girl speeds off, but not before BB has taken 3 cases of beer, 25 Snickers and the steering wheel. She ends up driving straight into a tree and the golf cart goes into flames.
OJ: Bill, give me that steering wheel, i need to get my fingerprints on it so i can be on the cover of US Weekly and become relevent again!
We fast forward to them walking off of 18.
BB: Ok, what did everyone get for the day, I got an 18. Yep, hole in one on every hole.
TO: Wait we were keeping score, i haven't hit a ball since hole one. With all of Bill's camera's around, i was just doing celebration dances! You don't need to accomplish anything to do a dance! -1 yard gain? Celebrate cause the best WR caught a pass, need to celebrate.
IT: Well, i got a 69 if you know what i mean. Wait, there are no women around, let me save that joke.
OJ: Yo AC! Grab that burlap sack and put it on the hood. It is rush hour and all the traffic helicopter's are out!
Ok, that is the first installment, it might need a little tweaking but i think this will be a running column.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
NFL Week 2 - What We Know
Alright, Week 2 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
Bengal’s Defensive Players Think the Cleveland Browns are the Cincinnati Police
Somehow the Bengal’s gave up 51 points to the Cleveland Browns. I’m not sure if the Brown’s offense showed up wearing badges, had billy clubs on their belts or donut remnants around their mouths, but when they saw them, they started running in the other direction. Well, either way, I lost my bet that the Browns wouldn't score 50 points all season. I still have hope though that Brady Quinn will start at some point and then they will more than likely score negative points, so it’s still possible they score under 50 for the year.
Brett Favre to play until he is 75
Seriously, where is he going to get more adulation than he does now? Every announcer and sports anchor dotes over him like when their new batch of makeup shows up. They have been offering praise over such recent achievements as multiple interceptions on the same play, flinging the ball wildly into triple coverage while avoiding a sack killing three and basically looking like a homeless guy. Why would he retire? Where is he going to get this kind of adulation after retirement? Is he just going to walk around his hometown and yell out things like, “Hey everyone, look, I am using the crosswalk!” or “Look, I left the strip club before midnight!” or “Look everyone! I killed this drifter!” Either way, expect 4 months of ESPN running “Will he Retire?” segments each off-season for the next 40 years.
Suicide Rate up 75% for Fantasy Football Players who own Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson or Lee Evans compared to the rest of population.
Fantasy owners who have any of these guys on their team are offing themselves at an incredible rate these days. In most of the suicide notes they are referencing the same reason for throwing themselves under a bus, literally. The common reason seems to be unrelenting taunts from owners of Derek Anderson, LaMont Jordan, and Wes “Frickin” Welker ("Frickin" a direct quote from over 82% of the notes). Now the team owners who own all three (Jackson, Johnson & Evans) have taken a different path, they all seem to be in the midst of a 7-state killing spree.
Dolphin’s Set Record for most consecutive games started by a crappy QB.
Let’s take a look at the list of starting QB’s since Marino retired in 1999: Jay Fiedler, Damon Huard, Ray Lucas, Brian Greise, AJ Feeley, Sage Rosenfels, Gus Ferotte, Daunte Culpepper, Joey Harrington, Cleo Lemon & Trent Green. I don’t even have a joke here. From my count that is 114 straight games started by a crappy QB, not including playoffs (though with this set of QB’s, I’m not sure the word playoffs really applied, even going into the season)
How did the Patriot’s Cheat This Week? (A new weekly feature)
Somehow Bill Bellichek drugged the owner and GM of the Chargers enough to a point where they thought hiring Norv Turner would be a good idea as the new SD coach.
David Carr Drives Injury Cart across the Field wearing diapers and runs over Matt Schaub
In what can only be described as a jealous fit similar to a 15-year old girl, David Carr stole the injury cart right before halftime of the Carolina-Houston game, drove all the way across the field and ran over Matt Schaub. He was then sacked 17 times. It was later determined that he was wearing diapers during the drive. When asked about this he replied, “Well, those carts are really slow, they only go a few miles an hour, and I didn't know if I was going to pee or soil myself like every other time I have been on a football field.”
Atlanta & Kansas City apply for Independent Status so they can get Notre Dame on their schedule.
Both the Falcons and the Chiefs have put in applications to Commissioner Roger Goodell to apply for independent status, thus paving the way to having Notre Dame on their schedules. KC head coach Herm Edwards had this to say, “We really need to get LJ going and I think this is the way to do it. Not only will we get at least 1 win this year, I believe LJ could surpass the rushing record for a season in one game.” Atlanta coach Bobby Petrino, who coached Louisville last year added, “We had been trying to get them on our schedule for years while I was at Louisville, but the NCAA kept on saying we weren't allowed to play Junior College teams. I even believe Joey could beat that spiky haired punk of a QB they got.” (As a side note, i think Clausen likes himself a little too much.)
Philly Fans Boo Amber Alert Child Shown on JumboTron.
During Monday nights Eagles game versus the Redskins, Philly fans took time off from booing Donovan McNabb for a moment to boo a 13-year old Philadelphia fan who had wandered off from her parents during the game and was shown on the JumboTron as an Amber Alert. Said one fan, “Not the best time to go wandering off. It was right during a timeout and they were showing a local Cheese Steak commercial that had specials after the game. Now I don’t know where to go” She was later found poking a stick at several passed out Eagle fans in the concourse. She claimed “It smells like they have been here for days, though it does look like the cheese all over their face is still warm”
.
Tarvaris Jackson Agrees with Donovan McNabb’s Comments
Earlier this week, McNabb had said in an interview that “Black QB’s have to give it that little extra as fans and the media are more critical of them.” Tarvaris Jackson agrees, “Yeah, the Minnesota fans get on me all the time after I throw one of my many interceptions, which I am positive is because I am black. I mean I throw 5-6 interceptions a game, what more do they want from me. I know it’s a race thing because when Tom Brady throws an interception every 4th game or so, you don’t see the fans getting on him and booing.”
For the record, I am guessing Donovan hasn't heard of Rex Grossman, Charlie Frye, Eli Manning, Jake Plummer, Chad Pennington or Trent Green. They get booed quite a bit.
Alright, a couple of notes:
1. This will be a weekly column.
2. No, this won't be the only column each week, still working on getting to 3-5 a week, and I will have a new one up tomorrow.
Bengal’s Defensive Players Think the Cleveland Browns are the Cincinnati Police
Somehow the Bengal’s gave up 51 points to the Cleveland Browns. I’m not sure if the Brown’s offense showed up wearing badges, had billy clubs on their belts or donut remnants around their mouths, but when they saw them, they started running in the other direction. Well, either way, I lost my bet that the Browns wouldn't score 50 points all season. I still have hope though that Brady Quinn will start at some point and then they will more than likely score negative points, so it’s still possible they score under 50 for the year.
Brett Favre to play until he is 75
Seriously, where is he going to get more adulation than he does now? Every announcer and sports anchor dotes over him like when their new batch of makeup shows up. They have been offering praise over such recent achievements as multiple interceptions on the same play, flinging the ball wildly into triple coverage while avoiding a sack killing three and basically looking like a homeless guy. Why would he retire? Where is he going to get this kind of adulation after retirement? Is he just going to walk around his hometown and yell out things like, “Hey everyone, look, I am using the crosswalk!” or “Look, I left the strip club before midnight!” or “Look everyone! I killed this drifter!” Either way, expect 4 months of ESPN running “Will he Retire?” segments each off-season for the next 40 years.
Suicide Rate up 75% for Fantasy Football Players who own Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson or Lee Evans compared to the rest of population.
Fantasy owners who have any of these guys on their team are offing themselves at an incredible rate these days. In most of the suicide notes they are referencing the same reason for throwing themselves under a bus, literally. The common reason seems to be unrelenting taunts from owners of Derek Anderson, LaMont Jordan, and Wes “Frickin” Welker ("Frickin" a direct quote from over 82% of the notes). Now the team owners who own all three (Jackson, Johnson & Evans) have taken a different path, they all seem to be in the midst of a 7-state killing spree.
Dolphin’s Set Record for most consecutive games started by a crappy QB.
Let’s take a look at the list of starting QB’s since Marino retired in 1999: Jay Fiedler, Damon Huard, Ray Lucas, Brian Greise, AJ Feeley, Sage Rosenfels, Gus Ferotte, Daunte Culpepper, Joey Harrington, Cleo Lemon & Trent Green. I don’t even have a joke here. From my count that is 114 straight games started by a crappy QB, not including playoffs (though with this set of QB’s, I’m not sure the word playoffs really applied, even going into the season)
How did the Patriot’s Cheat This Week? (A new weekly feature)
Somehow Bill Bellichek drugged the owner and GM of the Chargers enough to a point where they thought hiring Norv Turner would be a good idea as the new SD coach.
David Carr Drives Injury Cart across the Field wearing diapers and runs over Matt Schaub
In what can only be described as a jealous fit similar to a 15-year old girl, David Carr stole the injury cart right before halftime of the Carolina-Houston game, drove all the way across the field and ran over Matt Schaub. He was then sacked 17 times. It was later determined that he was wearing diapers during the drive. When asked about this he replied, “Well, those carts are really slow, they only go a few miles an hour, and I didn't know if I was going to pee or soil myself like every other time I have been on a football field.”
Atlanta & Kansas City apply for Independent Status so they can get Notre Dame on their schedule.
Both the Falcons and the Chiefs have put in applications to Commissioner Roger Goodell to apply for independent status, thus paving the way to having Notre Dame on their schedules. KC head coach Herm Edwards had this to say, “We really need to get LJ going and I think this is the way to do it. Not only will we get at least 1 win this year, I believe LJ could surpass the rushing record for a season in one game.” Atlanta coach Bobby Petrino, who coached Louisville last year added, “We had been trying to get them on our schedule for years while I was at Louisville, but the NCAA kept on saying we weren't allowed to play Junior College teams. I even believe Joey could beat that spiky haired punk of a QB they got.” (As a side note, i think Clausen likes himself a little too much.)
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Philly Fans Boo Amber Alert Child Shown on JumboTron.
During Monday nights Eagles game versus the Redskins, Philly fans took time off from booing Donovan McNabb for a moment to boo a 13-year old Philadelphia fan who had wandered off from her parents during the game and was shown on the JumboTron as an Amber Alert. Said one fan, “Not the best time to go wandering off. It was right during a timeout and they were showing a local Cheese Steak commercial that had specials after the game. Now I don’t know where to go” She was later found poking a stick at several passed out Eagle fans in the concourse. She claimed “It smells like they have been here for days, though it does look like the cheese all over their face is still warm”
.
Tarvaris Jackson Agrees with Donovan McNabb’s Comments
Earlier this week, McNabb had said in an interview that “Black QB’s have to give it that little extra as fans and the media are more critical of them.” Tarvaris Jackson agrees, “Yeah, the Minnesota fans get on me all the time after I throw one of my many interceptions, which I am positive is because I am black. I mean I throw 5-6 interceptions a game, what more do they want from me. I know it’s a race thing because when Tom Brady throws an interception every 4th game or so, you don’t see the fans getting on him and booing.”
For the record, I am guessing Donovan hasn't heard of Rex Grossman, Charlie Frye, Eli Manning, Jake Plummer, Chad Pennington or Trent Green. They get booed quite a bit.
Alright, a couple of notes:
1. This will be a weekly column.
2. No, this won't be the only column each week, still working on getting to 3-5 a week, and I will have a new one up tomorrow.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
NFL Week 1 - What We Know
Alright, Week 1 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:
Apparently Vincent Jackson Doesn't Strike Fear In Opposing Defense
Even though the Chargers won 14-3, Star running back LaDainian Tomlinson was held to 25 yards rushing. I think this was mainly in part to Chicago employing their version of the 9-2 defense where they stacked 9 men on the line of scrimmage and put 2 players on Antonio Gates. Unfortunately, the Bears decided to have one of the players assigned to cover Gates be the punter, so he was able to amass 100+ yards receiving and a TD.
Holy Crap, I Haven’t Seen Peyton Manning on TV in Almost 12 Minutes. Does that mean I am dead?
Seriously, who freaking decided that Peyton Manning should be in our homes more often then we are? You can’t have one break in the action without his mug being shoved down your throat. Actually, someone shoving a mug down Peyton’s throat, now that I would watch, even on Pay-Per-View. Instead we are subjected to his dorky face yelling at movers and stopping a play to tell us about Direct TV. Arrrgh! If there was a vote on this that I missed, please tell me, because I would have voted for her instead to be in all of these commercials. Heck, I would have voted for this before Peyton.
Bill Belichick Spells Genius with a “J”
The Jenius has been caught spying. How smart can he be if he needs to spy on the Jets defensive signals? After watching the Jets play defense, I am pretty sure they don’t have any schemes other than maybe “Run around like a crazed New York cabbie”. This soils everything like a date with Najeh Davenport. Let’s put an asterisk on everything. Their Super Bowl titles – asterisk. Tom Brady’s baby – asterisk. Bill’s homeless hoodie – asterisk. Rodney Harrison’s needle collection – asterisk.
Vikings Defense Considered Offense
The Vikings were penalized 15 yards on Sunday for too many men on the field during Adrian Peterson’s 60 yard TD run. In what amounted to mass confusion, the Vikings defensive starters were milling about on the sidelines when they heard a roar from the crowd and saw a purple helmet running towards the goal line. Each of them had the same thought “Holy Crap! I didn't realize we were on defense already, I have to get out there! Ohhh, coach is going to be so mad”
Eli Manning’s Education Not Put to Waste
Obviously Eli Manning didn't learn much about quarterbacking in college but he didn't completely waste his time in college. You have to have plenty of smarts to know when the exact moment you should fake an injury. I am pretty sure he was going “Wow, I have 4 TD’s and only 1 Interception. Things are going to turn around fast and I will probably throw 6 interceptions in the next 2 minutes. Since I suck and all. What is an injury I can fake while just jogging to the sideline. Oh I know, separated shoulder!”
Romeo Crennel Thinks 2nd Chances are for Suckers
After naming Charlie Frye as his starting QB, watching him suck, pulling him for Loni Anderson and then trading Frye, all in the matter of 3 days. I think the only thing he gives a 2nd chance is the buffet, and a 3rd, and an 8th, and so on. Lets hope he applies the same treatment to Brady Quinn when he does his first Glamour cover and makes him stop wearing make-up to practice.
Alright, more later...
Apparently Vincent Jackson Doesn't Strike Fear In Opposing Defense
Even though the Chargers won 14-3, Star running back LaDainian Tomlinson was held to 25 yards rushing. I think this was mainly in part to Chicago employing their version of the 9-2 defense where they stacked 9 men on the line of scrimmage and put 2 players on Antonio Gates. Unfortunately, the Bears decided to have one of the players assigned to cover Gates be the punter, so he was able to amass 100+ yards receiving and a TD.
Holy Crap, I Haven’t Seen Peyton Manning on TV in Almost 12 Minutes. Does that mean I am dead?
Seriously, who freaking decided that Peyton Manning should be in our homes more often then we are? You can’t have one break in the action without his mug being shoved down your throat. Actually, someone shoving a mug down Peyton’s throat, now that I would watch, even on Pay-Per-View. Instead we are subjected to his dorky face yelling at movers and stopping a play to tell us about Direct TV. Arrrgh! If there was a vote on this that I missed, please tell me, because I would have voted for her instead to be in all of these commercials. Heck, I would have voted for this before Peyton.
Bill Belichick Spells Genius with a “J”
The Jenius has been caught spying. How smart can he be if he needs to spy on the Jets defensive signals? After watching the Jets play defense, I am pretty sure they don’t have any schemes other than maybe “Run around like a crazed New York cabbie”. This soils everything like a date with Najeh Davenport. Let’s put an asterisk on everything. Their Super Bowl titles – asterisk. Tom Brady’s baby – asterisk. Bill’s homeless hoodie – asterisk. Rodney Harrison’s needle collection – asterisk.
Vikings Defense Considered Offense
The Vikings were penalized 15 yards on Sunday for too many men on the field during Adrian Peterson’s 60 yard TD run. In what amounted to mass confusion, the Vikings defensive starters were milling about on the sidelines when they heard a roar from the crowd and saw a purple helmet running towards the goal line. Each of them had the same thought “Holy Crap! I didn't realize we were on defense already, I have to get out there! Ohhh, coach is going to be so mad”
Eli Manning’s Education Not Put to Waste
Obviously Eli Manning didn't learn much about quarterbacking in college but he didn't completely waste his time in college. You have to have plenty of smarts to know when the exact moment you should fake an injury. I am pretty sure he was going “Wow, I have 4 TD’s and only 1 Interception. Things are going to turn around fast and I will probably throw 6 interceptions in the next 2 minutes. Since I suck and all. What is an injury I can fake while just jogging to the sideline. Oh I know, separated shoulder!”
Romeo Crennel Thinks 2nd Chances are for Suckers
After naming Charlie Frye as his starting QB, watching him suck, pulling him for Loni Anderson and then trading Frye, all in the matter of 3 days. I think the only thing he gives a 2nd chance is the buffet, and a 3rd, and an 8th, and so on. Lets hope he applies the same treatment to Brady Quinn when he does his first Glamour cover and makes him stop wearing make-up to practice.
Alright, more later...
Monday, September 10, 2007
Fantasy Football NFC West Preview
Alright, this is the last of 8 installments breaking each team’s fantasy sleepers, busts and a former player/fantasy stud that they wish they still had and you wish was still playing. We will now move onto the NFC South:
Arizona Cardinals: Everyone seems to think that this is Arizona’s year and they are destined to make the playoffs for the first time since 1922. The only thing I am sure of is that the post game press conferences will be less entertaining now that they have a coach who doesn't have such a loose interpretation of the English language.
Sleeper: Matt Leinart – Oh wait, Sleeper, I thought this said sleeps with half of the local campus and cheerleaders.
Bust: Kurt Warner – This former league MVP decision making skills have diminished as he still chooses to sleep with this. I can understand when you’re an Arena League QB that this might be considered some sweet tail, but once you graduate to the NFL, its time to upgrade to maybe something like this.
Former Player: Jake “Pornstache” Plummer – The prototypical Arizona QB. Throws interceptions at an alarming rate – check. Ability to run for his life due to an Arizona offensive line made up of mostly recruits from Fat Camp – check. Looks and/or is homeless – check.
Cheerleaders
St Louis Rams: They used to make fun of the Rams for having the only woman owner. But she acquired the team like most other female owners have since I believe, by marrying the current owner and somehow have him end up dying mysteriously aka killing him.
Sleeper: Leonard Little – I just put him on here just in case he happens to go out to the bars in my town this year and then get behind the wheel. I think karma is as good as any other reason to pick a sleeper, even if he doesn't play a position that most fantasy leagues draft.
Bust: Isaac Bruce – You can tell a player is starting to get a little old when they have a Jheri-curl combover, played for the Rams when they were still in LA, and is nicknamed “The Reverend”. But on a more positive note, he does have his own Blog, so unlike most old people he has figured out this Internet thing.
Former Player: Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsh – There are worse nicknames that someone named Elroy could have than Crazy Legs, like actually being called by your first name.
Nummy
San Francisco 49ers: The Chicago Bears once had the famous song “The Super Bowl Shuffle” and in response the 49ers put out their own version called “We’re the 49ers”. It was a huge hit in the SF area when it re-made and released as a single by Boy George, George Michael and Senator Larry Craig.
Sleeper: Vernon Davis – I believe the University of Miami created major’s just for the football players as Vernon was an Art Studio Major, not an Art Major, but an Art Studio Major. So you don’t actually have to create an art, basically just be able to find where the art studio is. I am guessing it took most of the team their full 4 years to find it. It obviously didn't help him with this
Bust: Ashley Lelie – May have the best website by a monumental bust in the history of the NFL. I wonder if there is an award for that. If not, it should be called the Ashley Lelie Award.
Former Player: Jerry Rice – Even though he holds every receiving record known to man and is widely regarded as the best WR ever, his life won’t be considered a success since he was unable to win the one award he most coveted: Dancing with the Stars champion. Well he could come back to the Niners and have Ashley Lelie be his partner since she is a chick and all.
Cheerleaders
Seattle Seahawks: Not sure what to say about the Seahawks, so i will just say Jim Zorn. Go ahead and say it, its kinda fun. Also, you know the team hasn't been around that long when Brock Huard is in your record books.
Sleeper: Matt Hasselback - Now i am going against my better judgement hear, seeing that he has a brother who is married to a girl who is on The View and was on Survivor, two of the greatest evils going on today. I think he might, just might, be able to break George Blanda's record of oldest looking player in the NFL.
Bust: Shaun Alexander - Can't really trust a liar. He claims both he and his wife were virgins when they married. Yeah right. An NFL player a virgin is like saying I really want Brady Quinn as my QB. And obviously marriage has changed them as in the year after they got married they posed for SI's Swimsuit Edition, which was the least selling Swimsuit Edition ever since it contained dudes and well virgins.
Former Player: Brian Bosworth - Two things i take from this link is one, look at that lineup of talent that this agency supports, with talent like Angus Hamilton, Archie Manning, and MaryLou Retton, this talent agency must be pulling in a cool 6-7 dollars a year. And two, you can hire him for speaking engagements? What is the topic: "How to be a complete A-hole and throw away your career". Yeah sign me up.
Umm, i am thinking Seattle is taking this Ichiro popularity a little too far
Alright, back with regular stories this week...
Arizona Cardinals: Everyone seems to think that this is Arizona’s year and they are destined to make the playoffs for the first time since 1922. The only thing I am sure of is that the post game press conferences will be less entertaining now that they have a coach who doesn't have such a loose interpretation of the English language.
Sleeper: Matt Leinart – Oh wait, Sleeper, I thought this said sleeps with half of the local campus and cheerleaders.
Bust: Kurt Warner – This former league MVP decision making skills have diminished as he still chooses to sleep with this. I can understand when you’re an Arena League QB that this might be considered some sweet tail, but once you graduate to the NFL, its time to upgrade to maybe something like this.
Former Player: Jake “Pornstache” Plummer – The prototypical Arizona QB. Throws interceptions at an alarming rate – check. Ability to run for his life due to an Arizona offensive line made up of mostly recruits from Fat Camp – check. Looks and/or is homeless – check.
Cheerleaders
St Louis Rams: They used to make fun of the Rams for having the only woman owner. But she acquired the team like most other female owners have since I believe, by marrying the current owner and somehow have him end up dying mysteriously aka killing him.
Sleeper: Leonard Little – I just put him on here just in case he happens to go out to the bars in my town this year and then get behind the wheel. I think karma is as good as any other reason to pick a sleeper, even if he doesn't play a position that most fantasy leagues draft.
Bust: Isaac Bruce – You can tell a player is starting to get a little old when they have a Jheri-curl combover, played for the Rams when they were still in LA, and is nicknamed “The Reverend”. But on a more positive note, he does have his own Blog, so unlike most old people he has figured out this Internet thing.
Former Player: Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsh – There are worse nicknames that someone named Elroy could have than Crazy Legs, like actually being called by your first name.
Nummy
San Francisco 49ers: The Chicago Bears once had the famous song “The Super Bowl Shuffle” and in response the 49ers put out their own version called “We’re the 49ers”. It was a huge hit in the SF area when it re-made and released as a single by Boy George, George Michael and Senator Larry Craig.
Sleeper: Vernon Davis – I believe the University of Miami created major’s just for the football players as Vernon was an Art Studio Major, not an Art Major, but an Art Studio Major. So you don’t actually have to create an art, basically just be able to find where the art studio is. I am guessing it took most of the team their full 4 years to find it. It obviously didn't help him with this
Bust: Ashley Lelie – May have the best website by a monumental bust in the history of the NFL. I wonder if there is an award for that. If not, it should be called the Ashley Lelie Award.
Former Player: Jerry Rice – Even though he holds every receiving record known to man and is widely regarded as the best WR ever, his life won’t be considered a success since he was unable to win the one award he most coveted: Dancing with the Stars champion. Well he could come back to the Niners and have Ashley Lelie be his partner since she is a chick and all.
Cheerleaders
Seattle Seahawks: Not sure what to say about the Seahawks, so i will just say Jim Zorn. Go ahead and say it, its kinda fun. Also, you know the team hasn't been around that long when Brock Huard is in your record books.
Sleeper: Matt Hasselback - Now i am going against my better judgement hear, seeing that he has a brother who is married to a girl who is on The View and was on Survivor, two of the greatest evils going on today. I think he might, just might, be able to break George Blanda's record of oldest looking player in the NFL.
Bust: Shaun Alexander - Can't really trust a liar. He claims both he and his wife were virgins when they married. Yeah right. An NFL player a virgin is like saying I really want Brady Quinn as my QB. And obviously marriage has changed them as in the year after they got married they posed for SI's Swimsuit Edition, which was the least selling Swimsuit Edition ever since it contained dudes and well virgins.
Former Player: Brian Bosworth - Two things i take from this link is one, look at that lineup of talent that this agency supports, with talent like Angus Hamilton, Archie Manning, and MaryLou Retton, this talent agency must be pulling in a cool 6-7 dollars a year. And two, you can hire him for speaking engagements? What is the topic: "How to be a complete A-hole and throw away your career". Yeah sign me up.
Umm, i am thinking Seattle is taking this Ichiro popularity a little too far
Alright, back with regular stories this week...
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Fantasy Football NFC South Preview
Alright, this is post #7 on my Fantasy Football preview as we move to the NFC South. I will break down each teams fantasy sleeper, bust, and a former player that the team/you wish they still had. So here is the NFC South... (As always links are in blue (as they are for most sites everywhere), I know everyone knows that, but i am guessing some of my readers might keep on clicking on the orange highlighted ones and next thing they know it is Wednesday). Also since the season has officially started the last two division will be quicker posts.
Atlanta Falcons: This is the team that beat my Vikings after our 15-1 season where Randy Moss wasn't a complete jackass, well at least for the last half of the game in week 7 until the start of the week 8 game. Anyways, the Falcons came up with the "Dirty Bird". I don't know if that is in reference to the actual bird - The Falcon or Michael Vick's favorite expression to fans.
Sleeper: Joe Harrington - I can't refer to a football player as Joey since one of the New Kids on the Block was named Joey, even though Harrington may have been a bigger wuss than him. Could you imagine of Joe DiMaggio had been named Joey instead of Joe? I can't either. Either way Harrington, even on crappy teams completed more passes than Vick and that can't be a bad thing.
Bust: Michael Vick - Not sure he is going to be any good this year since he hasn't even taken a snap during the preseason, not a good sign for your starting QB in fantasy. Also, he already said he needed to take the week of December 10th off for "personal reasons" and that is right during most fantasy playoffs.
Former Player: Andre Rison - Basically because you need this on your team.
Carolina Panthers: Maybe my favorite team other than the Vikings, if only for this reason.
Sleeper: Dwayne Jarrett - A star WR at USC, could provide a complement to Steve Smith this season. He was ineligible for a short period of time due to an inappropriate living arrangement with Matt Leinhart. I guess the NFL has a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy too.
Bust: David Carr - Brought in to challenge Jake Delhomme for the starting job but this guy has spent more time on his back the past 5 years than Paris Hilton at a Guy's With Frosted and Spiky Hair Convention.
Former Player: Rae Carruth - Was nicknamed "Da Troof" Well the Troof is, your next chance at the NFL is in 2018 and if Al Davis is still alive, you might have a chance to revive your career. So if you can trade for a 2018 draft pick now, you might want to in your league.
Cheerleaders
New Orleans Saints: This is the teams whose fans wore bags over their heads. Well as it turns out it was just the women and it was common practice.
Sleeper: Deuce McAllister - Everyone thinks Reggie Bush is going to be the guy this year, but Deuce is still around and wouldn't you want your RB to own a dealership that sells a car like this.
Bust: Reggie Bush - Really this guy is going to be awesome, I'll admit, I just like saying Bush. (because of the band you perverts)
Former Player: Archie Manning - Not to help your team, but to completely disgrace is because you are a complete a-hole. Not only did he ruin the Saints during his career for personal gain, but he decided it wasn't enough as at the end of his career he decided to rack up a 6-35 record for the Oilers and Vikings. Hmmm, any of these teams think it is maybe the QB's fault?
Lets finish the Saints on a happy note
Tampa Bay: This is a team that started 0-26 or as i like to call it "My High School Years"
Sleeper: Jeff Garcia - Who would you rather have as your starting QB: A guy who married a Playboy Model or a guy who has Phil Simms as his father?
Bust: Jeremy Stevens - His stats as a pro: several dropped passes, stomping on a 17-year old face, marijuana, crashing is car into a nursing home, DUI, sexual assault, vomiting on doors of his condo, used condoms left on back porch of his condo and loud parties that i am sure condoms and vomit were involved.
Former Player: Doug Williams - Only because he got asked the best question ever: "How long have you been a black QB?"
Cheerleaders
Alright, the last of the previews will come soon and also a review of the broadcast of the first game of the year by NBC.
Atlanta Falcons: This is the team that beat my Vikings after our 15-1 season where Randy Moss wasn't a complete jackass, well at least for the last half of the game in week 7 until the start of the week 8 game. Anyways, the Falcons came up with the "Dirty Bird". I don't know if that is in reference to the actual bird - The Falcon or Michael Vick's favorite expression to fans.
Sleeper: Joe Harrington - I can't refer to a football player as Joey since one of the New Kids on the Block was named Joey, even though Harrington may have been a bigger wuss than him. Could you imagine of Joe DiMaggio had been named Joey instead of Joe? I can't either. Either way Harrington, even on crappy teams completed more passes than Vick and that can't be a bad thing.
Bust: Michael Vick - Not sure he is going to be any good this year since he hasn't even taken a snap during the preseason, not a good sign for your starting QB in fantasy. Also, he already said he needed to take the week of December 10th off for "personal reasons" and that is right during most fantasy playoffs.
Former Player: Andre Rison - Basically because you need this on your team.
Carolina Panthers: Maybe my favorite team other than the Vikings, if only for this reason.
Sleeper: Dwayne Jarrett - A star WR at USC, could provide a complement to Steve Smith this season. He was ineligible for a short period of time due to an inappropriate living arrangement with Matt Leinhart. I guess the NFL has a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy too.
Bust: David Carr - Brought in to challenge Jake Delhomme for the starting job but this guy has spent more time on his back the past 5 years than Paris Hilton at a Guy's With Frosted and Spiky Hair Convention.
Former Player: Rae Carruth - Was nicknamed "Da Troof" Well the Troof is, your next chance at the NFL is in 2018 and if Al Davis is still alive, you might have a chance to revive your career. So if you can trade for a 2018 draft pick now, you might want to in your league.
Cheerleaders
New Orleans Saints: This is the teams whose fans wore bags over their heads. Well as it turns out it was just the women and it was common practice.
Sleeper: Deuce McAllister - Everyone thinks Reggie Bush is going to be the guy this year, but Deuce is still around and wouldn't you want your RB to own a dealership that sells a car like this.
Bust: Reggie Bush - Really this guy is going to be awesome, I'll admit, I just like saying Bush. (because of the band you perverts)
Former Player: Archie Manning - Not to help your team, but to completely disgrace is because you are a complete a-hole. Not only did he ruin the Saints during his career for personal gain, but he decided it wasn't enough as at the end of his career he decided to rack up a 6-35 record for the Oilers and Vikings. Hmmm, any of these teams think it is maybe the QB's fault?
Lets finish the Saints on a happy note
Tampa Bay: This is a team that started 0-26 or as i like to call it "My High School Years"
Sleeper: Jeff Garcia - Who would you rather have as your starting QB: A guy who married a Playboy Model or a guy who has Phil Simms as his father?
Bust: Jeremy Stevens - His stats as a pro: several dropped passes, stomping on a 17-year old face, marijuana, crashing is car into a nursing home, DUI, sexual assault, vomiting on doors of his condo, used condoms left on back porch of his condo and loud parties that i am sure condoms and vomit were involved.
Former Player: Doug Williams - Only because he got asked the best question ever: "How long have you been a black QB?"
Cheerleaders
Alright, the last of the previews will come soon and also a review of the broadcast of the first game of the year by NBC.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Fantasy Football NFC North Preview
Alright, this is post #6 on my Fantasy Football preview as we move to the NFC East. I will break down each teams fantasy sleeper, bust, and a former player that the team/you wish they still had. So here is the NFC North... (As always links are in blue (as they are for most sites everywhere), I know everyone knows that, but i am guessing some of my readers might keep on clicking on the orange highlighted ones and next thing they know it is Wednesday)
Chicago Bears: This organization is famous for Walter Payton and Mike Ditka and....hmmm...The Super Bowl Shuffle. Now they are more know for their Super Quarterback Fumble. But seriously it is always good to see this. I am sorry but Gary Fencik doesn't look like a hard hitting safety and Otis Wilson doesn't look like a mean linebacker but Jim McMahon does look like his normal self, a total douchebag.
Sleeper: Greg Olsen - He is there rookie TE. He was a member of the famed 7th Floor Crew. He made up some music, sorry, not music but rap that demeaned women just a little bit. So, he obviously has some street cred mojo on his side, but on the downside, his nickname was G-Reg.
Bust: Adrian Peterson - Everyone know there is going to be some doofus who drafts this guy thinking he it the Viking rookie. Chances are this one performs more like Adrian from Rocky than Adrian from...ummm...Barbeau. At least her breasts could gain an extra yard.
Former Player: Dick Butkus - Anyone who's name could be changed to Penis AssSmooch is golden in my book. Also, he is a great decision maker. Look at his post football career: My Two Dads, Hang Time, XFL Coach, WrestleMania Referee, and appeared in a scene in Murder She Wrote in the locker room in only a towel. That particular scene holds the record for turning women to lesbianism than any other moment in history other than Danny DeVito with his shirt off.
Detroit Lions: This franchise has a history for losing. First with their record. Then with their stadium. Then with their uniforms. And then with their policy of hiring of the mentally challenged to run their organization.
Sleeper: Mike Furrey - Has went from the XFL to NFL stardom, well if stardom means obscurity on the Lions and homelessness.
Bust: Matt Millen - Now only a few of you are going to draft him, well because your not real bright. Can you imagine what his fantasy football team looks like? I am guessing he took Michael Vick with his first round pick
Former Player: Barry Sanders - The greatest running back ever. N'uff said.
Cheerleaders
Green Bay Packers: This is the only team owned by guys with a higher cholesterol rating than the weight of a block of cheese they eat for dinner.
Sleeper: Aaron Rodgers - He was coached by the legendary Jeff Tedford who has produced such legendary 1st round QB's as Akili Smith, Trent Dilfer, Joey Harrington, David Carr & Kyle Boller. How can he not succeed as a backup quarterback.
Bust: Brett Favre - Don't mind that he throws 18 interceptions for each TD, but can you imagine his stats if he had waited things out in Atlanta, and with the Michael Vick plea, had an opportunity to start for a team that well, has no receivers?
Former Player: Sterling Sharpe - Cause, Sterling Sharpe thinks that Sterling Sharpe is the greatest receiver ever. Sterling also believes that only stats acquired by Sterling Sharpe should be counted in fantasy football.
Cheerleaders
Minnesota Vikings: My hometown team, i never thought i would utter the words "I kinda miss Randy Moss" in my lifetime. But i can be pretty confident that i will never utter the words to an opposing fan "Yeah, but we have Jackson as are starting QB, so you are in trouble", unless the game is "Scouting Kids" and by QB's first name is Michael
Sleeper: MeWelde Moore - Everyone is concentrating on Chester Taylor and Adrian Peterson. But don't forget about the guy that helped mastermind the "Love Boat" cruise. There is a very good chance that Moore hires a couple transsexual hookers, tells Taylor and Peterson that there a two of the hottest girls ever and they want to sleep with them, and then send both of them to Roger Goodell's home address.
Bust: Tarvaris Jackson - If you draft him, you need more help than i can give you.
Former Player: Tommy Kramer - Not only do they not have a QB but his nickname during his playing days was "Two Minute Tommy", which might be the longest the Vikings have the ball in their possession this year.
Cheerleaders
OK, we finish it up the week with the south and the west.
Chicago Bears: This organization is famous for Walter Payton and Mike Ditka and....hmmm...The Super Bowl Shuffle. Now they are more know for their Super Quarterback Fumble. But seriously it is always good to see this. I am sorry but Gary Fencik doesn't look like a hard hitting safety and Otis Wilson doesn't look like a mean linebacker but Jim McMahon does look like his normal self, a total douchebag.
Sleeper: Greg Olsen - He is there rookie TE. He was a member of the famed 7th Floor Crew. He made up some music, sorry, not music but rap that demeaned women just a little bit. So, he obviously has some street cred mojo on his side, but on the downside, his nickname was G-Reg.
Bust: Adrian Peterson - Everyone know there is going to be some doofus who drafts this guy thinking he it the Viking rookie. Chances are this one performs more like Adrian from Rocky than Adrian from...ummm...Barbeau. At least her breasts could gain an extra yard.
Former Player: Dick Butkus - Anyone who's name could be changed to Penis AssSmooch is golden in my book. Also, he is a great decision maker. Look at his post football career: My Two Dads, Hang Time, XFL Coach, WrestleMania Referee, and appeared in a scene in Murder She Wrote in the locker room in only a towel. That particular scene holds the record for turning women to lesbianism than any other moment in history other than Danny DeVito with his shirt off.
Detroit Lions: This franchise has a history for losing. First with their record. Then with their stadium. Then with their uniforms. And then with their policy of hiring of the mentally challenged to run their organization.
Sleeper: Mike Furrey - Has went from the XFL to NFL stardom, well if stardom means obscurity on the Lions and homelessness.
Bust: Matt Millen - Now only a few of you are going to draft him, well because your not real bright. Can you imagine what his fantasy football team looks like? I am guessing he took Michael Vick with his first round pick
Former Player: Barry Sanders - The greatest running back ever. N'uff said.
Cheerleaders
Green Bay Packers: This is the only team owned by guys with a higher cholesterol rating than the weight of a block of cheese they eat for dinner.
Sleeper: Aaron Rodgers - He was coached by the legendary Jeff Tedford who has produced such legendary 1st round QB's as Akili Smith, Trent Dilfer, Joey Harrington, David Carr & Kyle Boller. How can he not succeed as a backup quarterback.
Bust: Brett Favre - Don't mind that he throws 18 interceptions for each TD, but can you imagine his stats if he had waited things out in Atlanta, and with the Michael Vick plea, had an opportunity to start for a team that well, has no receivers?
Former Player: Sterling Sharpe - Cause, Sterling Sharpe thinks that Sterling Sharpe is the greatest receiver ever. Sterling also believes that only stats acquired by Sterling Sharpe should be counted in fantasy football.
Cheerleaders
Minnesota Vikings: My hometown team, i never thought i would utter the words "I kinda miss Randy Moss" in my lifetime. But i can be pretty confident that i will never utter the words to an opposing fan "Yeah, but we have Jackson as are starting QB, so you are in trouble", unless the game is "Scouting Kids" and by QB's first name is Michael
Sleeper: MeWelde Moore - Everyone is concentrating on Chester Taylor and Adrian Peterson. But don't forget about the guy that helped mastermind the "Love Boat" cruise. There is a very good chance that Moore hires a couple transsexual hookers, tells Taylor and Peterson that there a two of the hottest girls ever and they want to sleep with them, and then send both of them to Roger Goodell's home address.
Bust: Tarvaris Jackson - If you draft him, you need more help than i can give you.
Former Player: Tommy Kramer - Not only do they not have a QB but his nickname during his playing days was "Two Minute Tommy", which might be the longest the Vikings have the ball in their possession this year.
Cheerleaders
OK, we finish it up the week with the south and the west.
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