NFL Week 2 - What We Know

Alright, Week 2 of the NFL is now in the books, it is time to take a look at what we have learned:

Bengal’s Defensive Players Think the Cleveland Browns are the Cincinnati Police

Somehow the Bengal’s gave up 51 points to the Cleveland Browns. I’m not sure if the Brown’s offense showed up wearing badges, had billy clubs on their belts or donut remnants around their mouths, but when they saw them, they started running in the other direction. Well, either way, I lost my bet that the Browns wouldn't score 50 points all season. I still have hope though that Brady Quinn will start at some point and then they will more than likely score negative points, so it’s still possible they score under 50 for the year.

Brett Favre to play until he is 75

Seriously, where is he going to get more adulation than he does now? Every announcer and sports anchor dotes over him like when their new batch of makeup shows up. They have been offering praise over such recent achievements as multiple interceptions on the same play, flinging the ball wildly into triple coverage while avoiding a sack killing three and basically looking like a homeless guy. Why would he retire? Where is he going to get this kind of adulation after retirement? Is he just going to walk around his hometown and yell out things like, “Hey everyone, look, I am using the crosswalk!” or “Look, I left the strip club before midnight!” or “Look everyone! I killed this drifter!” Either way, expect 4 months of ESPN running “Will he Retire?” segments each off-season for the next 40 years.

Suicide Rate up 75% for Fantasy Football Players who own Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson or Lee Evans compared to the rest of population.

Fantasy owners who have any of these guys on their team are offing themselves at an incredible rate these days. In most of the suicide notes they are referencing the same reason for throwing themselves under a bus, literally. The common reason seems to be unrelenting taunts from owners of Derek Anderson, LaMont Jordan, and Wes “Frickin” Welker ("Frickin" a direct quote from over 82% of the notes). Now the team owners who own all three (Jackson, Johnson & Evans) have taken a different path, they all seem to be in the midst of a 7-state killing spree.

Dolphin’s Set Record for most consecutive games started by a crappy QB.

Let’s take a look at the list of starting QB’s since Marino retired in 1999: Jay Fiedler, Damon Huard, Ray Lucas, Brian Greise, AJ Feeley, Sage Rosenfels, Gus Ferotte, Daunte Culpepper, Joey Harrington, Cleo Lemon & Trent Green. I don’t even have a joke here. From my count that is 114 straight games started by a crappy QB, not including playoffs (though with this set of QB’s, I’m not sure the word playoffs really applied, even going into the season)

How did the Patriot’s Cheat This Week? (A new weekly feature)

Somehow Bill Bellichek drugged the owner and GM of the Chargers enough to a point where they thought hiring Norv Turner would be a good idea as the new SD coach.

David Carr Drives Injury Cart across the Field wearing diapers and runs over Matt Schaub

In what can only be described as a jealous fit similar to a 15-year old girl, David Carr stole the injury cart right before halftime of the Carolina-Houston game, drove all the way across the field and ran over Matt Schaub. He was then sacked 17 times. It was later determined that he was wearing diapers during the drive. When asked about this he replied, “Well, those carts are really slow, they only go a few miles an hour, and I didn't know if I was going to pee or soil myself like every other time I have been on a football field.”

Atlanta & Kansas City apply for Independent Status so they can get Notre Dame on their schedule.

Both the Falcons and the Chiefs have put in applications to Commissioner Roger Goodell to apply for independent status, thus paving the way to having Notre Dame on their schedules. KC head coach Herm Edwards had this to say, “We really need to get LJ going and I think this is the way to do it. Not only will we get at least 1 win this year, I believe LJ could surpass the rushing record for a season in one game.” Atlanta coach Bobby Petrino, who coached Louisville last year added, “We had been trying to get them on our schedule for years while I was at Louisville, but the NCAA kept on saying we weren't allowed to play Junior College teams. I even believe Joey could beat that spiky haired punk of a QB they got.” (As a side note, i think Clausen likes himself a little too much.)

Philly Fans Boo Amber Alert Child Shown on JumboTron.

During Monday nights Eagles game versus the Redskins, Philly fans took time off from booing Donovan McNabb for a moment to boo a 13-year old Philadelphia fan who had wandered off from her parents during the game and was shown on the JumboTron as an Amber Alert. Said one fan, “Not the best time to go wandering off. It was right during a timeout and they were showing a local Cheese Steak commercial that had specials after the game. Now I don’t know where to go” She was later found poking a stick at several passed out Eagle fans in the concourse. She claimed “It smells like they have been here for days, though it does look like the cheese all over their face is still warm”
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Tarvaris Jackson Agrees with Donovan McNabb’s Comments

Earlier this week, McNabb had said in an interview that “Black QB’s have to give it that little extra as fans and the media are more critical of them.” Tarvaris Jackson agrees, “Yeah, the Minnesota fans get on me all the time after I throw one of my many interceptions, which I am positive is because I am black. I mean I throw 5-6 interceptions a game, what more do they want from me. I know it’s a race thing because when Tom Brady throws an interception every 4th game or so, you don’t see the fans getting on him and booing.”

For the record, I am guessing Donovan hasn't heard of Rex Grossman, Charlie Frye, Eli Manning, Jake Plummer, Chad Pennington or Trent Green. They get booed quite a bit.

Alright, a couple of notes:

1. This will be a weekly column.
2. No, this won't be the only column each week, still working on getting to 3-5 a week, and I will have a new one up tomorrow.