Alright, for all you avid readers out there, and by avid, i mean people who come across this site while looking for pictures of Maria Sharapova, i will be on a break to get married and go on a honeymoon to lovely Des Moines. Just kidding, like i would tell you where i am really going.
Anyways, be back in a week and a half to rip on all that goes on in sports...
Merry X-mas everyone, and Happy St Patricks Day...
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Mailing it in - Kinda
OK, i was going to try to come up with a funny post about the two major stories from the last two days, but i cant as they are both despicable and what i wrote didn't seem right. So i will do a quick note on them and then hit a few other stories for the holiday weekend, a semi-headlines post. OK, onto the first major story:
Elijah Dukes: So lets see his thought pattern here. Work my way up through the minor leagues and eventually start for a major league team (well, Tampa is still considered major league team as far as i know). What should i do next? Buy a car? Buy a home for mom? No, i should probably threaten to kill my wife and her kids, send them a text about it, including a photo of a gun (since they cant trace that these days??) and then when asked about it, say i need to finish a video game like it is no big deal. Ladies and Gentleman, our next baseball role model.
Josh Hancock's Father: Yes, i am sorry he lost his son, and i can't imagine the grief, but his lawsuit is beyond belief and in reality, tarnishing the legacy of his son. Lets look at the defendants in the suit:
The Bar: There is some legal precedent here, but were they actually holding him down and forcing him to drink? From what i have heard, they asked him to take a cab.
The Tow Truck Company and the Tow Truck Driver: They are claiming that he wasn't able to clear the road fast enough. This lawsuit is disgusting.
The driver of the stalled car: This is the sickest, a guy tries to avoid someone cutting him off, and spins out thus stalling his car, and now he is being sued cause he wasn't able to get his car off the road in an acceptable amount of time for Mr Hancock. Insane.
I know that he is probably being influenced by a scudsy lawyer, but still he is trying to blame everyone but the actual cause.
OK, lets hit some notes:
Joe Paterno is not satisfied with his maid service.
MeShawn retires so he can yell to a bigger audience.
Jeter wants to own his own team, signs A-Rod, cuts him.
Trent Green looking to overtake Favre's most TV time streak.
Brewer's star on The Young and The Restless, Nation realizes there is a baseball team in Milwaukee.
Indianapolis 500 Speedway finally installs separate bathrooms, locker rooms.
ESPN airs first "important" May series between two teams that are 10.5 games apart in the standings. Viewers rejoice, if rejoice means not watching or caring.
Alright, everyone have a great holiday weekend, i will be back next week with some pre-wedding posts as i am sure, as always, the sports world will provide something to make fun of.
Elijah Dukes: So lets see his thought pattern here. Work my way up through the minor leagues and eventually start for a major league team (well, Tampa is still considered major league team as far as i know). What should i do next? Buy a car? Buy a home for mom? No, i should probably threaten to kill my wife and her kids, send them a text about it, including a photo of a gun (since they cant trace that these days??) and then when asked about it, say i need to finish a video game like it is no big deal. Ladies and Gentleman, our next baseball role model.
Josh Hancock's Father: Yes, i am sorry he lost his son, and i can't imagine the grief, but his lawsuit is beyond belief and in reality, tarnishing the legacy of his son. Lets look at the defendants in the suit:
The Bar: There is some legal precedent here, but were they actually holding him down and forcing him to drink? From what i have heard, they asked him to take a cab.
The Tow Truck Company and the Tow Truck Driver: They are claiming that he wasn't able to clear the road fast enough. This lawsuit is disgusting.
The driver of the stalled car: This is the sickest, a guy tries to avoid someone cutting him off, and spins out thus stalling his car, and now he is being sued cause he wasn't able to get his car off the road in an acceptable amount of time for Mr Hancock. Insane.
I know that he is probably being influenced by a scudsy lawyer, but still he is trying to blame everyone but the actual cause.
OK, lets hit some notes:
Joe Paterno is not satisfied with his maid service.
MeShawn retires so he can yell to a bigger audience.
Jeter wants to own his own team, signs A-Rod, cuts him.
Trent Green looking to overtake Favre's most TV time streak.
Brewer's star on The Young and The Restless, Nation realizes there is a baseball team in Milwaukee.
Indianapolis 500 Speedway finally installs separate bathrooms, locker rooms.
ESPN airs first "important" May series between two teams that are 10.5 games apart in the standings. Viewers rejoice, if rejoice means not watching or caring.
Alright, everyone have a great holiday weekend, i will be back next week with some pre-wedding posts as i am sure, as always, the sports world will provide something to make fun of.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
NBA Draft Lottery Picks
Alright, now that the draft lottery has been determined, how are you feeling about that tanking now Boston, Memphis and Milwaukee? I will attempt to determine the picks for the lottery teams. This is of course under the assumption that NBA GM's are moron's, not much of an assumption I guess:
1. Portland Trail Blazers: Josh McRoberts, PF, Duke
With the Blazers history of drafting tall white guy bust's (Sam Bowie instead of Michael Jordan)over potential superstars, this is the obvious pick. Wait you say Sam Bowie wasn't white, whatever. The only better scenario here would have been if Tyler Hansborough from UNC would have declared cause then they could have got a bust and a thug at the same time.
2. Seattle SuperSonics: Yi Jianlian, PF, China
In Seattle's war room, a local Starbuck's without TV's, cause TV warps the mind and they would rather read about the first pick tomorrow in the New York Times, they select the big man from China. They skipped on Durant as they weren't sure which player Portland took, and didn't want to find out tomorrow that they selected the same guy, so they decided to go with the Asian guy, as Ichiro has been such a big hit in the Seattle community.
3. Atlanta Hawks: Mike Conley Jr, PG, Ohio State
The Hawks, not wanting to get ripped on by the media again for missing on a point guard, and assuming that Durant and Oden were gone, were at the podium before the Commish announced the second pick to hand their pick in. The Hawks were very impressed with Conley Jr's agent, Mike Conley Sr, and his tales of Conley Jr's dribbling skills when he was just 2 years old.
4. Memphis Grizzlies: Glen Davis, PF, LSU
Assuming Oden and Durant were already drafted, they didn't even have them on their board. They decided to go with the guy that will fit in with the city and its famous BBQ. Who better than the 290 lb Davis.
5. Boston Celtics: Spencer Hawes, C, Washington
Danny Ainge, tired of all the Boston fans whining and complaining, decides to draft the big guy out of Washington. This of course is because he feels that half of the Celtic fans will off themselves and therefore be unable to complain (well that isn't proven, they still might be able to complain after they are dead, knowing the Boston sports fan) and therefore it might save his job.
6. Milwaukee Bucks: Joakim Noah, Wuss, Florida
This pick is two fold: 1.) The Bucks are fond of tall skinny guys with high picks (Andrew Bogut) and 2.) Milwaukee is a community that really takes to skinny fancy boys.
7. Minnesota Timberwolves: Roy Hibbert, C, Georgetown
GM Kevin McHale, showing his prowess as not only a GM and a draft guru, but also his lack of knowledge on how to turn on his computer, drafts Hibbert, who said he was returning college and therefore not eligible for the draft.
8. Charlotte Bobcats: Larry Johnson, PF, UNLV
The GM, finally realizing that Charlotte still has a franchise with about 14 seconds to go on the clock, screams out Larry Johnson, as that is the only player from Charlotte that anyone has ever known.
9. Chicago Bulls (via NY Knicks): Al Horford, PF, Florida
This was overheard in the Bulls war room, "It doesn't matter who we pick, either way we screw over Isiah Thomas and the Knicks" (room full of laughter). "OK, OK, throw all the prospects names into a hat, and i mean all prospects, even that guy down in personnel who has a sweet jump shot in our rec league." "And our pick is: Al Horford, well that worked out pretty well!" A room full of cheers ensues. "I wish we had a live camera of Isiah weeping right now", Random guy yells "Oh we do!"
10. Sacramento Kings: Sean Williams, C, Boston College
Looking to find a friend for Ron Artest to keep him happy, well at least non-psychotic, they go with the guy who has most in common with Artest. Which is criminal activities.
11. Atlanta Hawks (via Indiana): Acie Law IV, PG, TX A&M
Even though they drafted a PG with the 3rd pick, they want to make sure they don't screw up this PG thing again, and feel having 2 is better than 0 (which is what they had last year, kinda like being on the penalty kill for 48 minutes). And now with Mike Conley Jr and Acie Law IV, if they could just pick up Davis Love III in the 2nd round, they could have some cool jersey's.
12. Philadelphia 76er's: Al Thornton, SF, Florida St
Billy King, somewhat confused by his first name, Al, instead of AI, drafts what he thinks will be the next AI. Even though he is a small forward, hasn't put out a crappy rap album, and lacks a criminal record.
13. New Orleans Hornets: Kevin Durant, SF, Texas
To try and show their incompetency, and hopefully get to move to another city, the Hornets send up the Durant pick to the podium fully expecting that he had already been picked. Little did they know that there were 11 less competent GM's out there and they now get Durant to lead their lineup of, ummm, well guys who can bounce a ball.
14. LA Clippers: Ante Tomic, C, Croatia
GM Elgin Baylor defends the pick as the best player available, even though Greg Oden is still on the board. He claims, "Seriously, say it, Ante Tomic, hehehehehe, no, no, he is the best player, Ante Tomic, hahahahaha, OK stop, stop!"
So those are the "GM's are Moron's" prediction for the lottery picks. As i side note, Greg Oden goes undrafted and is finally picked up by San Antonio and they put him in the NDBL league for further development until Tim Duncan retires, as the rest of the Celtic fan base offs themselves.
1. Portland Trail Blazers: Josh McRoberts, PF, Duke
With the Blazers history of drafting tall white guy bust's (Sam Bowie instead of Michael Jordan)over potential superstars, this is the obvious pick. Wait you say Sam Bowie wasn't white, whatever. The only better scenario here would have been if Tyler Hansborough from UNC would have declared cause then they could have got a bust and a thug at the same time.
2. Seattle SuperSonics: Yi Jianlian, PF, China
In Seattle's war room, a local Starbuck's without TV's, cause TV warps the mind and they would rather read about the first pick tomorrow in the New York Times, they select the big man from China. They skipped on Durant as they weren't sure which player Portland took, and didn't want to find out tomorrow that they selected the same guy, so they decided to go with the Asian guy, as Ichiro has been such a big hit in the Seattle community.
3. Atlanta Hawks: Mike Conley Jr, PG, Ohio State
The Hawks, not wanting to get ripped on by the media again for missing on a point guard, and assuming that Durant and Oden were gone, were at the podium before the Commish announced the second pick to hand their pick in. The Hawks were very impressed with Conley Jr's agent, Mike Conley Sr, and his tales of Conley Jr's dribbling skills when he was just 2 years old.
4. Memphis Grizzlies: Glen Davis, PF, LSU
Assuming Oden and Durant were already drafted, they didn't even have them on their board. They decided to go with the guy that will fit in with the city and its famous BBQ. Who better than the 290 lb Davis.
5. Boston Celtics: Spencer Hawes, C, Washington
Danny Ainge, tired of all the Boston fans whining and complaining, decides to draft the big guy out of Washington. This of course is because he feels that half of the Celtic fans will off themselves and therefore be unable to complain (well that isn't proven, they still might be able to complain after they are dead, knowing the Boston sports fan) and therefore it might save his job.
6. Milwaukee Bucks: Joakim Noah, Wuss, Florida
This pick is two fold: 1.) The Bucks are fond of tall skinny guys with high picks (Andrew Bogut) and 2.) Milwaukee is a community that really takes to skinny fancy boys.
7. Minnesota Timberwolves: Roy Hibbert, C, Georgetown
GM Kevin McHale, showing his prowess as not only a GM and a draft guru, but also his lack of knowledge on how to turn on his computer, drafts Hibbert, who said he was returning college and therefore not eligible for the draft.
8. Charlotte Bobcats: Larry Johnson, PF, UNLV
The GM, finally realizing that Charlotte still has a franchise with about 14 seconds to go on the clock, screams out Larry Johnson, as that is the only player from Charlotte that anyone has ever known.
9. Chicago Bulls (via NY Knicks): Al Horford, PF, Florida
This was overheard in the Bulls war room, "It doesn't matter who we pick, either way we screw over Isiah Thomas and the Knicks" (room full of laughter). "OK, OK, throw all the prospects names into a hat, and i mean all prospects, even that guy down in personnel who has a sweet jump shot in our rec league." "And our pick is: Al Horford, well that worked out pretty well!" A room full of cheers ensues. "I wish we had a live camera of Isiah weeping right now", Random guy yells "Oh we do!"
10. Sacramento Kings: Sean Williams, C, Boston College
Looking to find a friend for Ron Artest to keep him happy, well at least non-psychotic, they go with the guy who has most in common with Artest. Which is criminal activities.
11. Atlanta Hawks (via Indiana): Acie Law IV, PG, TX A&M
Even though they drafted a PG with the 3rd pick, they want to make sure they don't screw up this PG thing again, and feel having 2 is better than 0 (which is what they had last year, kinda like being on the penalty kill for 48 minutes). And now with Mike Conley Jr and Acie Law IV, if they could just pick up Davis Love III in the 2nd round, they could have some cool jersey's.
12. Philadelphia 76er's: Al Thornton, SF, Florida St
Billy King, somewhat confused by his first name, Al, instead of AI, drafts what he thinks will be the next AI. Even though he is a small forward, hasn't put out a crappy rap album, and lacks a criminal record.
13. New Orleans Hornets: Kevin Durant, SF, Texas
To try and show their incompetency, and hopefully get to move to another city, the Hornets send up the Durant pick to the podium fully expecting that he had already been picked. Little did they know that there were 11 less competent GM's out there and they now get Durant to lead their lineup of, ummm, well guys who can bounce a ball.
14. LA Clippers: Ante Tomic, C, Croatia
GM Elgin Baylor defends the pick as the best player available, even though Greg Oden is still on the board. He claims, "Seriously, say it, Ante Tomic, hehehehehe, no, no, he is the best player, Ante Tomic, hahahahaha, OK stop, stop!"
So those are the "GM's are Moron's" prediction for the lottery picks. As i side note, Greg Oden goes undrafted and is finally picked up by San Antonio and they put him in the NDBL league for further development until Tim Duncan retires, as the rest of the Celtic fan base offs themselves.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Headlines - 5/21
Alright, after a busy weekend, there were lots of headlines around the world of sports so it is time to break out a new Headlines column:
Marvin Lewis Disappointed About Offseason:
Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis has been upset about the off-season progress of his Bengals. First, they failed to notch an impact player in the draft, and by impact i mean someone with a prior criminal history. Second, it has been four months since one of his players has been arrested, so he has been waiting to break out his "Things are going to Change!" speech that he has been working on for 3 1/2 months. Well all that changed Monday as it was reported that Chris Henry violated his probation by failing a drug test and AJ Nicholson has been charged with hitting a woman at a bar over the weekend. Lewis was ecstatic. "Not only can i give my speech, but we will receive extra revenue from commissioner Roger Goodall executing Chris Henry at halftime during the Pittsburgh game, the ratings will be huge!"
Favre's determined to go the whole year holding a press conference everyday
In the past week, Brett Favre has said he wanted to be traded, denied he wanted to be traded, said he wasn't going to make mini-camp, said he was going to make mini-camp. Basically i think he just wants to hold a press conference everyday and watch himself on TV. As it turns out, there was no interest from any team in trading for him, except the Cowboy's, who strangely offered up TO and their next 35 1st round draft picks. And secondly, his daughter is twelve and he was just trying to set up the news conference 6 years from now where he will announce his daughter's graduation, as well as a comeback in a local flag football league.
Clinton Portis Doesn't Like Mailmen:
Portis came to the defense of Michael Vick this week basically saying that people should be able to do whatever they want in their home and people should leave them alone as long as they are a role model. Not sure of the exact word here but....i will try one...What?!?!? So your role model is someone who gives away VD for free, smuggles pot into the country, kills dogs and completes somewhere near 35% of his passes. So under Portis's logic, it is OK for Vick to fight dogs in a home owned by him. So i am thinking Portis thinks it is OK for him to maybe, say, murder someone, as long as he drops a quarter into a homeless man's coffee.
Tax Dollars, Schmak Dollars
And yes...i just made up the word Schmak. Congress is now urging Goodell to be firm with Michael Vick. This has gotten ridiculous. I think if someone Photo-Shopped a picture of a baby on the moon, Congress would probably act to say we need to bring this baby home.
Kentucky doesn't want to let the Wildcat free:
It has been reported that new Kentucky basketball coach Billy Gillespe has cancelled a game at UMass for the upcoming season. It is quite obvious that he doesn't want to send super fan Ashely Judd within 500 miles of Tom Brady's sperm.
NBC Likes Looking at a Horse's Butt's:
NBC made a decision on Saturday to cut out from the NHL playoff overtime game between the Ducks and the Red Wings to show the pre-"game" for the Preakness. Now I am a sports fan, not a huge fan of the NHL, but i think a NHL playoff overtime game is as exciting as it gets, just behind Roger Clemens walking out to get his paper and scouring the local police reports for NFL players. My question is: what stories can you do during the pre-race telecast? "Oh, here are some people richer than you drinking fruity drinks and wearing hats", "Look, Street Sense just took a crap, he should be ready to go." or "Hey, we are getting paid to announce for 1 1/2 minutes, good times".
Giambi says, well really nothing
Giambi claimed this week to a USA Today reporter that he was sorry he took some "stuff" Now we are only left to assume what "stuff" meant. I am guessing a lifetime supply of hair gel, A-Rod out on a date, or 16 cheeseburgers.
Eva not impressed with Tony Parker's Lay-Up skills:
It was reported this week that Eva Longoria has broken off her engagement to Tony Parker. My guess is she realizes she is hot, Parker is French and Kurt Rambis is still available so she can climb up the NBA ladder.
Moss's trek to Woodstock somehow ends up in New England:
Randy Moss, trying to get to Woodstock in time for the 1969 concert somehow ended up in New England. Moss has been known for taking plays off, which made him miss the date of the concert by 38 years, but his journey ended near New England as he pulled out of his smoke filled van at the Patriots practice facilities. In a daze, he ran a few routes, grabbed a bag of chips and just chilled on the sidelines. Bill Belicheck was impressed: "This is exactly what we expected of him and more, Hey he showed up early, gave me some tips on how get the freak on with one of my coaches wives and still was able get me to Woodstock, even though there was no music, we rocked the joint, i mean, joint....hahaha...oh i am so wasted, i need to find a married chick."
OK, those are the headlines for the week...we will be back tomorrow with some relevant story, if relevant means a story i can make fun of...
Marvin Lewis Disappointed About Offseason:
Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis has been upset about the off-season progress of his Bengals. First, they failed to notch an impact player in the draft, and by impact i mean someone with a prior criminal history. Second, it has been four months since one of his players has been arrested, so he has been waiting to break out his "Things are going to Change!" speech that he has been working on for 3 1/2 months. Well all that changed Monday as it was reported that Chris Henry violated his probation by failing a drug test and AJ Nicholson has been charged with hitting a woman at a bar over the weekend. Lewis was ecstatic. "Not only can i give my speech, but we will receive extra revenue from commissioner Roger Goodall executing Chris Henry at halftime during the Pittsburgh game, the ratings will be huge!"
Favre's determined to go the whole year holding a press conference everyday
In the past week, Brett Favre has said he wanted to be traded, denied he wanted to be traded, said he wasn't going to make mini-camp, said he was going to make mini-camp. Basically i think he just wants to hold a press conference everyday and watch himself on TV. As it turns out, there was no interest from any team in trading for him, except the Cowboy's, who strangely offered up TO and their next 35 1st round draft picks. And secondly, his daughter is twelve and he was just trying to set up the news conference 6 years from now where he will announce his daughter's graduation, as well as a comeback in a local flag football league.
Clinton Portis Doesn't Like Mailmen:
Portis came to the defense of Michael Vick this week basically saying that people should be able to do whatever they want in their home and people should leave them alone as long as they are a role model. Not sure of the exact word here but....i will try one...What?!?!? So your role model is someone who gives away VD for free, smuggles pot into the country, kills dogs and completes somewhere near 35% of his passes. So under Portis's logic, it is OK for Vick to fight dogs in a home owned by him. So i am thinking Portis thinks it is OK for him to maybe, say, murder someone, as long as he drops a quarter into a homeless man's coffee.
Tax Dollars, Schmak Dollars
And yes...i just made up the word Schmak. Congress is now urging Goodell to be firm with Michael Vick. This has gotten ridiculous. I think if someone Photo-Shopped a picture of a baby on the moon, Congress would probably act to say we need to bring this baby home.
Kentucky doesn't want to let the Wildcat free:
It has been reported that new Kentucky basketball coach Billy Gillespe has cancelled a game at UMass for the upcoming season. It is quite obvious that he doesn't want to send super fan Ashely Judd within 500 miles of Tom Brady's sperm.
NBC Likes Looking at a Horse's Butt's:
NBC made a decision on Saturday to cut out from the NHL playoff overtime game between the Ducks and the Red Wings to show the pre-"game" for the Preakness. Now I am a sports fan, not a huge fan of the NHL, but i think a NHL playoff overtime game is as exciting as it gets, just behind Roger Clemens walking out to get his paper and scouring the local police reports for NFL players. My question is: what stories can you do during the pre-race telecast? "Oh, here are some people richer than you drinking fruity drinks and wearing hats", "Look, Street Sense just took a crap, he should be ready to go." or "Hey, we are getting paid to announce for 1 1/2 minutes, good times".
Giambi says, well really nothing
Giambi claimed this week to a USA Today reporter that he was sorry he took some "stuff" Now we are only left to assume what "stuff" meant. I am guessing a lifetime supply of hair gel, A-Rod out on a date, or 16 cheeseburgers.
Eva not impressed with Tony Parker's Lay-Up skills:
It was reported this week that Eva Longoria has broken off her engagement to Tony Parker. My guess is she realizes she is hot, Parker is French and Kurt Rambis is still available so she can climb up the NBA ladder.
Moss's trek to Woodstock somehow ends up in New England:
Randy Moss, trying to get to Woodstock in time for the 1969 concert somehow ended up in New England. Moss has been known for taking plays off, which made him miss the date of the concert by 38 years, but his journey ended near New England as he pulled out of his smoke filled van at the Patriots practice facilities. In a daze, he ran a few routes, grabbed a bag of chips and just chilled on the sidelines. Bill Belicheck was impressed: "This is exactly what we expected of him and more, Hey he showed up early, gave me some tips on how get the freak on with one of my coaches wives and still was able get me to Woodstock, even though there was no music, we rocked the joint, i mean, joint....hahaha...oh i am so wasted, i need to find a married chick."
OK, those are the headlines for the week...we will be back tomorrow with some relevant story, if relevant means a story i can make fun of...
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Inside The Spurs Huddle
I have recently received a transcript of the conversation that happened inside the San Antonio Spurs huddle during the timeout right before Robert Horry's malicious foul against Steve Nash at the end of Game 4 between the Suns and the Spurs. Here it is:
(Players huddle around Coach Popovich (Poppy from now on))
Poppy: OK guys, we just blew a huge lead in a matter of minutes, so we need do what we do best...
Bruce Bowen: Do i finally get to kill someone on the court?
Poppy: For the tenth time tonight Bruce, no. Maybe if we go to overtime. No, its play dirty, now i am thinking we hip check that Canadian guy who is killing us back to Quebec. Who wants the part?
Bruce Bowen: ME! ME! ME! Pick me please!
Poppy: No Bruce, we need your Rebounds by knocking guys legs out from under them, your assists from kneeing guys in the nads and your steals created by tripping someone, now go sit down and chew on that dog bone.
Fabricio Oberto: I will do it sir!
Poppy: Sorry, Oberto, we don't have any other big men that are any good.
Tim Duncan: What about me I am good...and i would be glad to do it!
Poppy: Sorry Tim, i sometimes forget about you since you only speak to complain after committing a foul, and that is why we cant have you do it. You would probably complain to the officials that the blatant hip check was not a foul and you could get several technicals and be suspended several games.
Michael Finley: I will do it.
Poppy: Nope, not gonna work Michael. Your are the oldest and slowest player on the team, we need you to try and chase Nash around pretending like you are trying to foul him, even though it would take you about 60 minutes to catch him
Finley (mumbling): I'm faster than that Fabio guy on the team
Tony Parker: Oui, Oui...I'z well do it!
Poppy: I don't think so Tony. You would probably run away and surrender the City of San Antonio to Phoenix.
Francisco Elson: I will do it coach!
Poppy: Nope, we need your connections in the Netherlands to keep Timmy sedated...if we don't, who knows what will happen if he comes out of his pot buzz, though i guess our potato chip budget would go down. Hey where's Manu?
Jacque Vaughn: He is over there hitting on one of the dance team members. How about i do it coach?
Poppy: We cant afford to have you suspended. We need you for the 6 minutes a game when Tony goes and does the deed with Eva in the stands.
Brent Barry: What about me coach?
Poppy: HAHAHAHAHAHA...you sure are funny Brent.
Matt Bonner & Beno Udrich: We can do it coach, it would be nice to get some minutes!
Poppy: Who the hell are you two...ball boys? I don't recognize either of you, so no. I guess that leaves you Horry. Your big, your a cheap player, have no conscience and we probably wont need you until the last minute of game 7 anyways. Alright, ready break!
So that is how the play was decided.
(Players huddle around Coach Popovich (Poppy from now on))
Poppy: OK guys, we just blew a huge lead in a matter of minutes, so we need do what we do best...
Bruce Bowen: Do i finally get to kill someone on the court?
Poppy: For the tenth time tonight Bruce, no. Maybe if we go to overtime. No, its play dirty, now i am thinking we hip check that Canadian guy who is killing us back to Quebec. Who wants the part?
Bruce Bowen: ME! ME! ME! Pick me please!
Poppy: No Bruce, we need your Rebounds by knocking guys legs out from under them, your assists from kneeing guys in the nads and your steals created by tripping someone, now go sit down and chew on that dog bone.
Fabricio Oberto: I will do it sir!
Poppy: Sorry, Oberto, we don't have any other big men that are any good.
Tim Duncan: What about me I am good...and i would be glad to do it!
Poppy: Sorry Tim, i sometimes forget about you since you only speak to complain after committing a foul, and that is why we cant have you do it. You would probably complain to the officials that the blatant hip check was not a foul and you could get several technicals and be suspended several games.
Michael Finley: I will do it.
Poppy: Nope, not gonna work Michael. Your are the oldest and slowest player on the team, we need you to try and chase Nash around pretending like you are trying to foul him, even though it would take you about 60 minutes to catch him
Finley (mumbling): I'm faster than that Fabio guy on the team
Tony Parker: Oui, Oui...I'z well do it!
Poppy: I don't think so Tony. You would probably run away and surrender the City of San Antonio to Phoenix.
Francisco Elson: I will do it coach!
Poppy: Nope, we need your connections in the Netherlands to keep Timmy sedated...if we don't, who knows what will happen if he comes out of his pot buzz, though i guess our potato chip budget would go down. Hey where's Manu?
Jacque Vaughn: He is over there hitting on one of the dance team members. How about i do it coach?
Poppy: We cant afford to have you suspended. We need you for the 6 minutes a game when Tony goes and does the deed with Eva in the stands.
Brent Barry: What about me coach?
Poppy: HAHAHAHAHAHA...you sure are funny Brent.
Matt Bonner & Beno Udrich: We can do it coach, it would be nice to get some minutes!
Poppy: Who the hell are you two...ball boys? I don't recognize either of you, so no. I guess that leaves you Horry. Your big, your a cheap player, have no conscience and we probably wont need you until the last minute of game 7 anyways. Alright, ready break!
So that is how the play was decided.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Just One Day Please!!
I am asking all media outlets around the country (as i know this is the first thing they read in the morning) to have one full day without any of the following sports figures mentioned, just one day. That's not much to ask is it?
Roger Clemens: Seriously, when is it front page news when a 45-year old pitcher throws 71 pitches during a practice session in Florida. Please, just one day without stories about how he took an extended spring training crap, how frosted tips on a 45-year old are pathetic, how he has decided when his first start will be, or how he is a general prima donna who wont throw a pitch without a camera on him. Oh wait you don't write about that, you kiss his butt with fluff stories about about how his arm felt good (even though he didn't throw to any live batters).
Brett Favre: Stop it, Stop reporting everything that the 15th best QB in the league right now says. Who Cares? Green Bay hasn't been relevant since the 90's. And when did throwing interceptions become the main stat everyone cares about? With how much you report on Brett and Eli Manning, you would think this is the new chic stat, yet one that hurts your team.
Barry Bonds: Really, no one cares. The guy is a prick, he is going to pass the HR record and probably blast everyone who ever supported him, well actually the one person who actually supports him, himself. He is a less entertaining version of Rickey Henderson.
Terrell Owens: I honestly don't know one person who cares what his views are on anything, yet you report each of them. Whats your next investigative report going to be on? "TO says he doesn't support decaffeinated coffee", "TO likes the color Red, does that mean he is going to the Chiefs?", "TO grabs morning paper, drops it twice, does that mean he is still having issues with his finger", or "TO grabs a Lean Cuisine from grocery store, is he getting fat?" Seriously, stop reporting about him, even though he still wont go away.
Adam "Pacman" Jones: I don't think anyone knew of him (other than his countless victims) before you started daily updates on him. Seriously, there hasn't been an NFL player that has gotten this much attention for crimes since Ryan Leaf and his countless crimes against SD fans. At least Leaf's crimes were on the field, though i heard he sucked off the field too.
OK, All i ask is just one day with out reporting anything one these players. Thank You
Roger Clemens: Seriously, when is it front page news when a 45-year old pitcher throws 71 pitches during a practice session in Florida. Please, just one day without stories about how he took an extended spring training crap, how frosted tips on a 45-year old are pathetic, how he has decided when his first start will be, or how he is a general prima donna who wont throw a pitch without a camera on him. Oh wait you don't write about that, you kiss his butt with fluff stories about about how his arm felt good (even though he didn't throw to any live batters).
Brett Favre: Stop it, Stop reporting everything that the 15th best QB in the league right now says. Who Cares? Green Bay hasn't been relevant since the 90's. And when did throwing interceptions become the main stat everyone cares about? With how much you report on Brett and Eli Manning, you would think this is the new chic stat, yet one that hurts your team.
Barry Bonds: Really, no one cares. The guy is a prick, he is going to pass the HR record and probably blast everyone who ever supported him, well actually the one person who actually supports him, himself. He is a less entertaining version of Rickey Henderson.
Terrell Owens: I honestly don't know one person who cares what his views are on anything, yet you report each of them. Whats your next investigative report going to be on? "TO says he doesn't support decaffeinated coffee", "TO likes the color Red, does that mean he is going to the Chiefs?", "TO grabs morning paper, drops it twice, does that mean he is still having issues with his finger", or "TO grabs a Lean Cuisine from grocery store, is he getting fat?" Seriously, stop reporting about him, even though he still wont go away.
Adam "Pacman" Jones: I don't think anyone knew of him (other than his countless victims) before you started daily updates on him. Seriously, there hasn't been an NFL player that has gotten this much attention for crimes since Ryan Leaf and his countless crimes against SD fans. At least Leaf's crimes were on the field, though i heard he sucked off the field too.
OK, All i ask is just one day with out reporting anything one these players. Thank You
Monday, May 14, 2007
How much is it worth game?
OK, back after a short absence.
After hearing that an auction house is willing to give $1 million for Barry Bonds all-time home run record ball, not only may we see the first fan related death while going for a home run ball, but also the skyrocketing of fan memorabilia. Below is a list of other prices being offered for some memorabilia:
Tom Brady Kissing Booth Kiss: $400 per kiss. Oddly enough most of the people in this line are Boston men, and the line stretches about 20 blocks long. I guess the women fear getting pregnant if within 20 blocks of him.
Hosting the next Brett Favre New Conference at your house: 300 blocks of cheese, preferably American. In the next week he is expected to hold 6 conferences ranging from his left guards hot dog addiction to the Packers inability to get Jerry Rice in a trade.
Peyton Manning's sweat filled jock strap: Already sold to Kenny Chesney who outbid Eli.
Sammy Sosa's "How to learn English" tape series: Works in all areas except Washington DC where you seem to lose all memory of the tapes, which kinda goes along with congress who seems to lose all memory of any of their illicit activities.
NHL Season in Review - 2007 DVD: Owner will pay you $30 to take it off his hands.
Phil Mickelson used Bra: $62.95 - Now that he has lost weight he doesn't need his normal support. These are best for women of 36DD proportions or more.
A Rare Article written about Tiger Woods, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Terrell Owens, The Yankee's, The Red Sox, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, or Danny Manning: Oh wait, these are free and written about every single freakin day.
OK, that is today's post. Didn't complete the fantasy articles, may work on it later this week or scrap that plan and write other stuff.
After hearing that an auction house is willing to give $1 million for Barry Bonds all-time home run record ball, not only may we see the first fan related death while going for a home run ball, but also the skyrocketing of fan memorabilia. Below is a list of other prices being offered for some memorabilia:
Tom Brady Kissing Booth Kiss: $400 per kiss. Oddly enough most of the people in this line are Boston men, and the line stretches about 20 blocks long. I guess the women fear getting pregnant if within 20 blocks of him.
Hosting the next Brett Favre New Conference at your house: 300 blocks of cheese, preferably American. In the next week he is expected to hold 6 conferences ranging from his left guards hot dog addiction to the Packers inability to get Jerry Rice in a trade.
Peyton Manning's sweat filled jock strap: Already sold to Kenny Chesney who outbid Eli.
Sammy Sosa's "How to learn English" tape series: Works in all areas except Washington DC where you seem to lose all memory of the tapes, which kinda goes along with congress who seems to lose all memory of any of their illicit activities.
NHL Season in Review - 2007 DVD: Owner will pay you $30 to take it off his hands.
Phil Mickelson used Bra: $62.95 - Now that he has lost weight he doesn't need his normal support. These are best for women of 36DD proportions or more.
A Rare Article written about Tiger Woods, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Terrell Owens, The Yankee's, The Red Sox, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, or Danny Manning: Oh wait, these are free and written about every single freakin day.
OK, that is today's post. Didn't complete the fantasy articles, may work on it later this week or scrap that plan and write other stuff.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
New Idea and test out some new features...
Just a quick post to test out some new features. A ? post, something new.
I kinda wonder if Roger Clemens puts makeup on in the morning to go jogging?
Do you think Dice K ever just swears up a storm to American reporters?
Do you think Pacman Jones looks at an open car window as an opportunity?
Does Dirk cry when neighborhood kids surround him?
Will Boxing become the new wrestling?
Will Tennis have there next match on water to try to improve viewership?
How long would it take Moss to travel from Oakland to New England if he gave the effort he gives on a normal play?
If Tom Brady wore a Colts cap would the world still exist?
If the Yankees signed a pitcher under 44 years old, would they continue to exist?
Ok...just testing out some new features...
I kinda wonder if Roger Clemens puts makeup on in the morning to go jogging?
Do you think Dice K ever just swears up a storm to American reporters?
Do you think Pacman Jones looks at an open car window as an opportunity?
Does Dirk cry when neighborhood kids surround him?
Will Boxing become the new wrestling?
Will Tennis have there next match on water to try to improve viewership?
How long would it take Moss to travel from Oakland to New England if he gave the effort he gives on a normal play?
If Tom Brady wore a Colts cap would the world still exist?
If the Yankees signed a pitcher under 44 years old, would they continue to exist?
Ok...just testing out some new features...
Fantasy Baseball Review, Part I
Since this was originally a fantasy sports humor site, i thought maybe i should post some actual fantasy related stories (that don't involve Jessica Alba). So here is my Surprises (S) and Disappointments (D) from the first month of the MLB season, in relation to fantasy. Today is the AL East and Central review, tomorrow we will tackle the AL West and NL East.
AL EAST
Baltimore:
S: Jon Knott - The guy has a 2.300 OPS, a .750 BA while playing left field for 2 games. Their regular LF is Jay Gibbons who is hitting a solid .188, it is obvious this guy needs to play. Plus his name is Knotts, so i am sure there will be a lot of entertainment value from announcers when they say "Could be a base hit, NOT!!!" Good times
D: Jaret Wright - Has started three games, pitched 10 innings with a 6.97 ERA. Who would have thought these kind of stats from a former Yankee pitcher?
Boston:
S: JD Drew - For the first time in 7 years he has 94 AB's. Gotta like that.
D: Dice K - A 5.45 ERA, which for a $100 million seems a little high. Perhaps Boston shouldn't have let him hang out with Chan Ho Park after he arrived in America.
NY Yankees:
S: Mariano Rivera - 8.38 ERA, look like he is auditioning for #2 starter in the Yankee rotation.
D: Roger Clemens - Signs for about 4 million per month and look at his stats: 0 wins. Not sure that is what the Yankees bargained for, but i guess with the Yankees they don't know what the word bargain means (ie. Carl Pavano)
Tampa Bay:
S: James Sheilds - So far he is 3-0 for Tampa (read that line again) with 45 K's in 43 IP and a 3.74 ERA. But seriously, James? How about Jimmy or Jamie or Jim, that's more of a ball players name. James sounds like the convict you have sweeping the aisles after the game.
D: Elijah Dukes - First and foremost he is a disappointment because he hasn't impaled an umpire with his bat yet. But also 4 HR's and only 6 RBI's, must have attended A-Rod's batting camp this winter.
Toronto:
S: Royce Clayton, Matt Stairs, Gregg Zaun - Their still alive? and putting up numbers?
D: BJ Ryan - 12.46 ERA for a closer is not what you want, but i am sure the GM will call it a hangnail.
AL CENTRAL
Chicago:
S: Scott Podsednik - A tiny little girl leads Dye, AJ, Konerko and Crede in OPS. I think it has to do with the little doll he carries in his stroller as he rounds the bases and no one wanting to touch him.
D: AJ - Just cause he's a jacka**
Cleveland:
S: CC Sabathia - He has a 5-0 record with a 3.45 ERA. But the most amazing stat is that he is able to throw an average of 104 pitches per game while scarfing down 36 Krispy Kremes, 7 enchilada's and 5 bowls of chicken fat soup in between innings.
D: Shin-Soo Choo - Only played in 6 games, we need more opportunities to hear "Choo with a double, so i guess that is a Choo Choo!"
Detroit:
S: Todd Jones - He has kept his job is the biggest surprise, also he has 12 saves, but i am pretty sure most of those are because he had a hair frosting appointment after the game and wanted to get out of there.
D: Gary Sheffield - .218 BA, but still has 25 runs compared to 13 RBI's and also has 5 SB's. Obviously he has decided to inject the steroids into his legs instead of his arms at this point in his career.
Kansas City:
S: Tony Pena Jr - Someone from Tony Pena's genes should not have 4 triples. I will not argue about this.
D: Alex Gordon - Rookie sensation off to a tough start with a .175 BA and 32 K's in 97 AB. Of course the BA is high for the team and the SO rate is low for the team.
Minnesota:
S: Carlos Silva & Ramon Ortiz - They have gone 5-4 combined and both have better ERA's than Johan Santana. I can only attribute this to the fact that batters don't like looking at how ugly they are and just swing so they can go back to the dugout.
D: Nick Punto - I know most people drafted him hoping for your normal 3B stats but he hasn't lived up other 3B powerhouse's as he has no home runs. He is making some adjustments and hopes to hit one in 2009.
OK, first two divisions down, i will tackle the AL West and NL East tomorrow.
AL EAST
Baltimore:
S: Jon Knott - The guy has a 2.300 OPS, a .750 BA while playing left field for 2 games. Their regular LF is Jay Gibbons who is hitting a solid .188, it is obvious this guy needs to play. Plus his name is Knotts, so i am sure there will be a lot of entertainment value from announcers when they say "Could be a base hit, NOT!!!" Good times
D: Jaret Wright - Has started three games, pitched 10 innings with a 6.97 ERA. Who would have thought these kind of stats from a former Yankee pitcher?
Boston:
S: JD Drew - For the first time in 7 years he has 94 AB's. Gotta like that.
D: Dice K - A 5.45 ERA, which for a $100 million seems a little high. Perhaps Boston shouldn't have let him hang out with Chan Ho Park after he arrived in America.
NY Yankees:
S: Mariano Rivera - 8.38 ERA, look like he is auditioning for #2 starter in the Yankee rotation.
D: Roger Clemens - Signs for about 4 million per month and look at his stats: 0 wins. Not sure that is what the Yankees bargained for, but i guess with the Yankees they don't know what the word bargain means (ie. Carl Pavano)
Tampa Bay:
S: James Sheilds - So far he is 3-0 for Tampa (read that line again) with 45 K's in 43 IP and a 3.74 ERA. But seriously, James? How about Jimmy or Jamie or Jim, that's more of a ball players name. James sounds like the convict you have sweeping the aisles after the game.
D: Elijah Dukes - First and foremost he is a disappointment because he hasn't impaled an umpire with his bat yet. But also 4 HR's and only 6 RBI's, must have attended A-Rod's batting camp this winter.
Toronto:
S: Royce Clayton, Matt Stairs, Gregg Zaun - Their still alive? and putting up numbers?
D: BJ Ryan - 12.46 ERA for a closer is not what you want, but i am sure the GM will call it a hangnail.
AL CENTRAL
Chicago:
S: Scott Podsednik - A tiny little girl leads Dye, AJ, Konerko and Crede in OPS. I think it has to do with the little doll he carries in his stroller as he rounds the bases and no one wanting to touch him.
D: AJ - Just cause he's a jacka**
Cleveland:
S: CC Sabathia - He has a 5-0 record with a 3.45 ERA. But the most amazing stat is that he is able to throw an average of 104 pitches per game while scarfing down 36 Krispy Kremes, 7 enchilada's and 5 bowls of chicken fat soup in between innings.
D: Shin-Soo Choo - Only played in 6 games, we need more opportunities to hear "Choo with a double, so i guess that is a Choo Choo!"
Detroit:
S: Todd Jones - He has kept his job is the biggest surprise, also he has 12 saves, but i am pretty sure most of those are because he had a hair frosting appointment after the game and wanted to get out of there.
D: Gary Sheffield - .218 BA, but still has 25 runs compared to 13 RBI's and also has 5 SB's. Obviously he has decided to inject the steroids into his legs instead of his arms at this point in his career.
Kansas City:
S: Tony Pena Jr - Someone from Tony Pena's genes should not have 4 triples. I will not argue about this.
D: Alex Gordon - Rookie sensation off to a tough start with a .175 BA and 32 K's in 97 AB. Of course the BA is high for the team and the SO rate is low for the team.
Minnesota:
S: Carlos Silva & Ramon Ortiz - They have gone 5-4 combined and both have better ERA's than Johan Santana. I can only attribute this to the fact that batters don't like looking at how ugly they are and just swing so they can go back to the dugout.
D: Nick Punto - I know most people drafted him hoping for your normal 3B stats but he hasn't lived up other 3B powerhouse's as he has no home runs. He is making some adjustments and hopes to hit one in 2009.
OK, first two divisions down, i will tackle the AL West and NL East tomorrow.
Friday, May 4, 2007
The New Non Story
Just a quick post as i am working on a fantasy baseball column for early next week.
But first i must address something.
When did ESPN become the National Enquirer or US Weekly. All the programs this morning touched on the photo and video of Tom Brady wearing a Yankees cap. How is that a story? My points:
1. First and foremost, WHO CARES? The guy was just out in NY with his model girlfriend and enjoying his man purse.
2. Its a cap from another sport. Why shouldn't he be able to root for whatever team he wants that isn't in his sport? Just cause he plays for the Patriots means he cant root for the Yankees, Mets, Rangers, Islanders (the last two are NHL teams), Knicks, Nets or Felons (i am guessing that is the name of the NY major league lacrosse team).
3. Why do all these non-stories seem to come out of the same area, (hint, hint, Boston and New York). You have Schilling's sock, (yeah lets talk about a guys sock for a week instead of covering sports), where will Clemens go (he is a month or so from making a decision, but he is a media hound so i am sure he enjoys it), Dice-K got a paper cut (actually i made that up, just seeing if the media will pick it up)
4. As a Michigan fan i did like Brady even though he played for the media love Patriots, but now i can't support him since he was wearing a Yankee's cap and wearing a man purse...
OK, quick post today, look for my fantasy take on the first month of the season early next week.
But first i must address something.
When did ESPN become the National Enquirer or US Weekly. All the programs this morning touched on the photo and video of Tom Brady wearing a Yankees cap. How is that a story? My points:
1. First and foremost, WHO CARES? The guy was just out in NY with his model girlfriend and enjoying his man purse.
2. Its a cap from another sport. Why shouldn't he be able to root for whatever team he wants that isn't in his sport? Just cause he plays for the Patriots means he cant root for the Yankees, Mets, Rangers, Islanders (the last two are NHL teams), Knicks, Nets or Felons (i am guessing that is the name of the NY major league lacrosse team).
3. Why do all these non-stories seem to come out of the same area, (hint, hint, Boston and New York). You have Schilling's sock, (yeah lets talk about a guys sock for a week instead of covering sports), where will Clemens go (he is a month or so from making a decision, but he is a media hound so i am sure he enjoys it), Dice-K got a paper cut (actually i made that up, just seeing if the media will pick it up)
4. As a Michigan fan i did like Brady even though he played for the media love Patriots, but now i can't support him since he was wearing a Yankee's cap and wearing a man purse...
OK, quick post today, look for my fantasy take on the first month of the season early next week.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Kobe/McNabb BFF
After yesterday's post, i learned that Kobe will be attending the same pre-school class that McNabb will be enrolling in.
After yesterday's loss to the Suns, Kobe complained that he needs more help. I guess he went to the Peyton Manning school of throwing my teammates under a bus. Good Job. So lets take a look at Kobe's and some of his teammates stats from last night:
Kobe: Lets see, you shot 33 times last night (37% of your "teams" shots) and you made 39% of them. Most of the them without even passing the ball and either just driving and throwing up a shot that includes a triple axle, or launching an unsuccessful 3. You were able to get 1 assist though, which i assume is a ball that you accidentally bounced off your knee and ended up in a teammates hands. My guess is that you tried to block that person's shot, but failed. Your 1 to 6 assist to turnover ratio is impressive, if you played 5th grade basketball. You did get 4 defensive rebounds which i am sure you took away from a teammate and brought it up the court and launched a shot with 20 seconds left on the shot clock.
OK, so you say you need better teammates (way to man up and deflect blame, just like everything else in your life). Well, the rest of the team shot 53% for the game. So are they really that bad? A little breakdown:
Lamar Odom: Excellent game, made as many shots as Kobe (13) but only with 21 attempts (62%). So Kobe, one player is shooting 62%, your shooting 39%, maybe pass him the ball. Of course, he did get 5 offensive rebounds, which i am sure were misses by you. He had more assists than you (2) and only 1 turnover (i guess if you never get the ball it is harder to turnover.).
Luke Walton: Only managed 3 shots. His most telling statistic is the 6 fouls, which were probably on a Sun player who got past Kobe as he was complaining to the Ref's about how he was fouled on his last missed shot.
Kwame Brown: Only 4 shots, which i am sure came in the first quarter, after that he realized he wasn't going to get the ball and just stood at half court.
Jordan Farmar: Good game, 4-6 from the field, 5 REB, 2 Assists, so from the stats i can assume he got to touch the ball 8 times and the team scored on 6 of those possessions. Also had 3 steals, which i am sure Kobe stole from him immediately.
Ronny Turiaf: Somehow was able to get of 10 shots in Kobe's offense, but he did have 6 offensive rebounds on Kobe shots, which would account for him being able to get the ball so "frequently"
Sasha Vujacic: Only played 5 minutes and his only stat was 1 assist. So while he was in there he didn't miss any shots and had the same number assists as Kobe. I also like the name Sasha, so i had to include him.
There were also 6 players that had 3 or more fouls, which i assume were the result of foul trouble and the constant fouling needed due to the above Kobe complaining rule. The telling statistic of this game is Lakers - 7 assists, Suns - 23 assists.
So in the end we learned that maybe passing the ball to your teammates is a good thing when they shoot 53% to your 39% and that someone who shoots 13-33 in the playoffs shouldn't complain when they lose...
Until tomorrow...
After yesterday's loss to the Suns, Kobe complained that he needs more help. I guess he went to the Peyton Manning school of throwing my teammates under a bus. Good Job. So lets take a look at Kobe's and some of his teammates stats from last night:
Kobe: Lets see, you shot 33 times last night (37% of your "teams" shots) and you made 39% of them. Most of the them without even passing the ball and either just driving and throwing up a shot that includes a triple axle, or launching an unsuccessful 3. You were able to get 1 assist though, which i assume is a ball that you accidentally bounced off your knee and ended up in a teammates hands. My guess is that you tried to block that person's shot, but failed. Your 1 to 6 assist to turnover ratio is impressive, if you played 5th grade basketball. You did get 4 defensive rebounds which i am sure you took away from a teammate and brought it up the court and launched a shot with 20 seconds left on the shot clock.
OK, so you say you need better teammates (way to man up and deflect blame, just like everything else in your life). Well, the rest of the team shot 53% for the game. So are they really that bad? A little breakdown:
Lamar Odom: Excellent game, made as many shots as Kobe (13) but only with 21 attempts (62%). So Kobe, one player is shooting 62%, your shooting 39%, maybe pass him the ball. Of course, he did get 5 offensive rebounds, which i am sure were misses by you. He had more assists than you (2) and only 1 turnover (i guess if you never get the ball it is harder to turnover.).
Luke Walton: Only managed 3 shots. His most telling statistic is the 6 fouls, which were probably on a Sun player who got past Kobe as he was complaining to the Ref's about how he was fouled on his last missed shot.
Kwame Brown: Only 4 shots, which i am sure came in the first quarter, after that he realized he wasn't going to get the ball and just stood at half court.
Jordan Farmar: Good game, 4-6 from the field, 5 REB, 2 Assists, so from the stats i can assume he got to touch the ball 8 times and the team scored on 6 of those possessions. Also had 3 steals, which i am sure Kobe stole from him immediately.
Ronny Turiaf: Somehow was able to get of 10 shots in Kobe's offense, but he did have 6 offensive rebounds on Kobe shots, which would account for him being able to get the ball so "frequently"
Sasha Vujacic: Only played 5 minutes and his only stat was 1 assist. So while he was in there he didn't miss any shots and had the same number assists as Kobe. I also like the name Sasha, so i had to include him.
There were also 6 players that had 3 or more fouls, which i assume were the result of foul trouble and the constant fouling needed due to the above Kobe complaining rule. The telling statistic of this game is Lakers - 7 assists, Suns - 23 assists.
So in the end we learned that maybe passing the ball to your teammates is a good thing when they shoot 53% to your 39% and that someone who shoots 13-33 in the playoffs shouldn't complain when they lose...
Until tomorrow...
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Headines - 5/2
A quick headlines post:
Michael Vick's Favorite Movie Must Be Dog Day Afternoon:
It was reported that a house owned by Michael Vick has been holding pit bull fights and their were 66 dogs found in various states of health. You know, i wish we still were in the old days of football when Vick was just trying to conceal marijuana and sleeping with hookers in Mexico, or was it that his name was Ron Mexico? I would ask his brother Marcus, but he is at a local Junior High Softball game.
Panthers Don't Want to Give the Damn Ball to Keyshawn:
The best subplot of the draft coverage was when Keyshawn Johnson was so excited to be able to mentor USC WR Dwayne Jarrett, whom the Panthers selected from his alma-mater. Well that lasted 48 hours as Johnson was cut by the Panthers today. Good Times. I guess he will be mentoring him by showing what happens to your career when your a pompous ass.
Jordan/Woods in a Two-some:
In the Pro-Am for this weeks Wachovia PGA event, Tiger Woods was paired with Michael Jordan. I don't know what would be funnier. How much money Tiger made after Jordan bet him he could make a 250yd shot or how much much Jordan lost on a bet on Tiger making a 1ft putt. Better yet, the best case scenario would have been pairing Tiger with Charles Barkley and seeing if he could make the cut after a 12 hour round.
NASCAR Fans are Athletes After All:
After Jeff Gordan's win this week, fans pelted beer cans onto the track. Two questions: After watching 200 hours of video of the situation, how many will appear on Mel Kiper Jr's Draft Board on ESPN this year?, and How many of them said to themselves .0002 seconds after the toss, "Wait, what did i just do?" and tried to run past security onto the track to lap up the remains of the beer?
McNabb to Enter Pre-School This Summer:
After whining about the fans support Jeff Garcia this year, and now whining about the Eagles drafting a QB early, what do you think will be the most popular phrase in the huddle this year (all with McNabb in full tears)
1. How come you guys didn't block that guy for me?
2. Would all of you quit suggesting "Rookie QB for McNabb on two"
3. Why did the other team catch that ball that was thrown behind my receiver?"
4. I want my mommy!
OK, some quick headlines...looking to update on the NBA playoffs and maybe a fantasy baseball review yet this week...
Michael Vick's Favorite Movie Must Be Dog Day Afternoon:
It was reported that a house owned by Michael Vick has been holding pit bull fights and their were 66 dogs found in various states of health. You know, i wish we still were in the old days of football when Vick was just trying to conceal marijuana and sleeping with hookers in Mexico, or was it that his name was Ron Mexico? I would ask his brother Marcus, but he is at a local Junior High Softball game.
Panthers Don't Want to Give the Damn Ball to Keyshawn:
The best subplot of the draft coverage was when Keyshawn Johnson was so excited to be able to mentor USC WR Dwayne Jarrett, whom the Panthers selected from his alma-mater. Well that lasted 48 hours as Johnson was cut by the Panthers today. Good Times. I guess he will be mentoring him by showing what happens to your career when your a pompous ass.
Jordan/Woods in a Two-some:
In the Pro-Am for this weeks Wachovia PGA event, Tiger Woods was paired with Michael Jordan. I don't know what would be funnier. How much money Tiger made after Jordan bet him he could make a 250yd shot or how much much Jordan lost on a bet on Tiger making a 1ft putt. Better yet, the best case scenario would have been pairing Tiger with Charles Barkley and seeing if he could make the cut after a 12 hour round.
NASCAR Fans are Athletes After All:
After Jeff Gordan's win this week, fans pelted beer cans onto the track. Two questions: After watching 200 hours of video of the situation, how many will appear on Mel Kiper Jr's Draft Board on ESPN this year?, and How many of them said to themselves .0002 seconds after the toss, "Wait, what did i just do?" and tried to run past security onto the track to lap up the remains of the beer?
McNabb to Enter Pre-School This Summer:
After whining about the fans support Jeff Garcia this year, and now whining about the Eagles drafting a QB early, what do you think will be the most popular phrase in the huddle this year (all with McNabb in full tears)
1. How come you guys didn't block that guy for me?
2. Would all of you quit suggesting "Rookie QB for McNabb on two"
3. Why did the other team catch that ball that was thrown behind my receiver?"
4. I want my mommy!
OK, some quick headlines...looking to update on the NBA playoffs and maybe a fantasy baseball review yet this week...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)