Headlines - 5/21

Alright, after a busy weekend, there were lots of headlines around the world of sports so it is time to break out a new Headlines column:

Marvin Lewis Disappointed About Offseason:

Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis has been upset about the off-season progress of his Bengals. First, they failed to notch an impact player in the draft, and by impact i mean someone with a prior criminal history. Second, it has been four months since one of his players has been arrested, so he has been waiting to break out his "Things are going to Change!" speech that he has been working on for 3 1/2 months. Well all that changed Monday as it was reported that Chris Henry violated his probation by failing a drug test and AJ Nicholson has been charged with hitting a woman at a bar over the weekend. Lewis was ecstatic. "Not only can i give my speech, but we will receive extra revenue from commissioner Roger Goodall executing Chris Henry at halftime during the Pittsburgh game, the ratings will be huge!"

Favre's determined to go the whole year holding a press conference everyday

In the past week, Brett Favre has said he wanted to be traded, denied he wanted to be traded, said he wasn't going to make mini-camp, said he was going to make mini-camp. Basically i think he just wants to hold a press conference everyday and watch himself on TV. As it turns out, there was no interest from any team in trading for him, except the Cowboy's, who strangely offered up TO and their next 35 1st round draft picks. And secondly, his daughter is twelve and he was just trying to set up the news conference 6 years from now where he will announce his daughter's graduation, as well as a comeback in a local flag football league.

Clinton Portis Doesn't Like Mailmen:

Portis came to the defense of Michael Vick this week basically saying that people should be able to do whatever they want in their home and people should leave them alone as long as they are a role model. Not sure of the exact word here but....i will try one...What?!?!? So your role model is someone who gives away VD for free, smuggles pot into the country, kills dogs and completes somewhere near 35% of his passes. So under Portis's logic, it is OK for Vick to fight dogs in a home owned by him. So i am thinking Portis thinks it is OK for him to maybe, say, murder someone, as long as he drops a quarter into a homeless man's coffee.

Tax Dollars, Schmak Dollars

And yes...i just made up the word Schmak. Congress is now urging Goodell to be firm with Michael Vick. This has gotten ridiculous. I think if someone Photo-Shopped a picture of a baby on the moon, Congress would probably act to say we need to bring this baby home.

Kentucky doesn't want to let the Wildcat free:

It has been reported that new Kentucky basketball coach Billy Gillespe has cancelled a game at UMass for the upcoming season. It is quite obvious that he doesn't want to send super fan Ashely Judd within 500 miles of Tom Brady's sperm.

NBC Likes Looking at a Horse's Butt's:

NBC made a decision on Saturday to cut out from the NHL playoff overtime game between the Ducks and the Red Wings to show the pre-"game" for the Preakness. Now I am a sports fan, not a huge fan of the NHL, but i think a NHL playoff overtime game is as exciting as it gets, just behind Roger Clemens walking out to get his paper and scouring the local police reports for NFL players. My question is: what stories can you do during the pre-race telecast? "Oh, here are some people richer than you drinking fruity drinks and wearing hats", "Look, Street Sense just took a crap, he should be ready to go." or "Hey, we are getting paid to announce for 1 1/2 minutes, good times".

Giambi says, well really nothing

Giambi claimed this week to a USA Today reporter that he was sorry he took some "stuff" Now we are only left to assume what "stuff" meant. I am guessing a lifetime supply of hair gel, A-Rod out on a date, or 16 cheeseburgers.

Eva not impressed with Tony Parker's Lay-Up skills:

It was reported this week that Eva Longoria has broken off her engagement to Tony Parker. My guess is she realizes she is hot, Parker is French and Kurt Rambis is still available so she can climb up the NBA ladder.

Moss's trek to Woodstock somehow ends up in New England:

Randy Moss, trying to get to Woodstock in time for the 1969 concert somehow ended up in New England. Moss has been known for taking plays off, which made him miss the date of the concert by 38 years, but his journey ended near New England as he pulled out of his smoke filled van at the Patriots practice facilities. In a daze, he ran a few routes, grabbed a bag of chips and just chilled on the sidelines. Bill Belicheck was impressed: "This is exactly what we expected of him and more, Hey he showed up early, gave me some tips on how get the freak on with one of my coaches wives and still was able get me to Woodstock, even though there was no music, we rocked the joint, i mean, joint....hahaha...oh i am so wasted, i need to find a married chick."

OK, those are the headlines for the week...we will be back tomorrow with some relevant story, if relevant means a story i can make fun of...