Here is a recap of the first round of the NFL Draft:
1. Oakland: JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU - Originally, the thought with drafting Russell was his strong arm so he could get the football down field to Randy Moss. On plays that Moss actually tried and ran instead of sitting and pouting. But now with the trade of Moss to NE, and no actual receivers, they will probably just use his arm to throw the ball 80 yds down field on 3rd down, instead of the inevitable Oakland punt that awaits.
2. Detroit: Calvin Johnson, WR, GA Tech - Oh, Matt Millen, you make it too easy for jokes with your predictability. WR in the 1st round, losing football teams, ability to drug the owner, and finishing off a cheese steak faster than your QB can throw an interception, which is pretty fast.
3. Cleveland: Joe Thomas, T, WI - I think Thomas endeared himself to the blue collar Brown fans by going on a fishing trip with his dad instead of showing up in ritzy NY for the draft. Though, by all accounts, there wasn't any beer on the fishing trip, which may make them question his decision making ability.
4. Tampa Bay: Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson - Adams is supposedly an excellent pass rusher, which TB needs. His weakness is against the run, hence the name Gaines...as in "Long Gains"
5. Arizona: Levi Brown, T, Penn St - Some say this was a little bit of a reach for the Cardinals, but it did fill a need. I tend to agree, after hearing the NFC West opponent's continually sing "Its, Bad, Bad, Levi Brown, The Baddest Man on the Arizona Line, which means he must suck". The need it fills, is that eventually this will make Levi cry and he will get a high whiny voice like Dennis Green, which Arizona is missing at their press conferences.
6. Washington: LaRon Landry, S, LSU - The experts claim that he is one of the hardest hitters in the draft this year. I find that hard to believe, being named LaRon and being French and all. The French aren't known for hitting, unless you include avoiding showers as hitting.
7. Minnesota: Adrian Peterson, RB, OK - Not sure what Minnesota was thinking here, when the already have Onterrio Smith, and we know he just "whizz's" through the line.
8. Atlanta: Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas - Atlanta owner Arthur Blank must be losing it and still think it is the 90's. Didn't he already play for them as a RB in the 90's, i know as you get older you gain weight, but that doesn't automatically make you a good 40+ year old DE.
9. Miami: Ted Ginn Jr, WR, OH State - Somebody really needs to check to see if maybe a 6-year old is running Miami. Culpepper over Brees, signing Joey Harrington and now picking a PR over, well everyone, except Brady Quinn with the 9th pick of the draft. So since they didn't take Quinn, this is an OK pick.
10. Houston: Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville - The first DT off the board, and probably will end up being one of the funniest names to hear Houston natives and fans try to pronounce.
11. San Francisco: Patrick Willis, LB, Ole Miss - Willis is expected to continue the long tradition of great LB's for SF like, ummm, hmmm, well, wait they had a good white guy in the 80's, no wait, maybe that was the Falcons. I forgot my point.
12. Buffalo: Marshawn Lynch, RB, Cal - The first guy off the board with character issues as he was accused of domestic and sexual assault. Lets hope this doesn't turn out like another high profile Buffalo RB who had some domestic "issues". Cause that means he would end up having to golf everyday and pretend to search for a killer, actually that sounds pretty cool, if the killer wasn't me.
13. St Louis: Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska - When i first heard this draft pick, i thought the Rams were just taking anyone with Character Issues, and just have the commish pick one, anyone. But then i realized the guys last name was Carriker, so i dropped their grade a few slots.
14. New York Jets: Darrelle Revis, CB, Pitt - The Jets moved up to get this pick, filling a need at CB and to beat all, they got an NFL player as i assume Pitt means the Steelers. I didn't realize you could draft from other NFL teams, so in reality this wasn't that great of a pick as they could have had Tom Brady or Tomlinson.
15. Pittsburgh: Lawrence Timmons, LB, FL State - Now why would the Steelers pick a college player when the NYJ's just picked one of their players. Not real bright as they could have had, well, it is the Jets, so maybe this is a good pick.
16. Green Bay: Justin Harrell, DT, Tennessee - I would have went with a QB here, as that has been a questionable position and a great need for the Packers for quite some time now. Plus they haven't had as dreamy a QB in GB since Don Majkowski, and we know GB is the Hollywood of the Midwest.
17. Denver: Jarvis Moss, DE, Florida - After Denver's "Pick up or trade for every Cleveland Brown DL" plan failed miserably, they decided to move up in the draft and pick Moss of the Nat'l Championship Gators. Maybe they were fooled by it being a college championship, but i am still pretty sure that the Gators could beat the Browns. So it was a good pick.
18. Cincinnati: Leon Hall, CB, Michigan - Hmm, no arrests, no character issues. Can you imagine the hazing he is going to go through as a rookie. I can imagine one of the Bengals "regulars" going up to him and saying "Hey, can you take the rap for this double murder for me Rook?"
19. Tennessee: Michael Griffin, S, Texas - Everyone thought they were going to go WR here as they only have, ummm, who do they still have? Ernest Givens?
20. New York Giants: Aaron Ross, CB, Texas - Great pick by the Giants here as he should be able to build up his confidence with all the interceptions he is going to get at practice against Eli Manning.
21. Jacksonville: Reggie Nelson, S, Florida - Wait, Jacksonville has a team but LA doesn't? Wow, this is news to me. Maybe i should open a paper once and awhile.
22. Cleveland: Brady Quinn, QB, ND - Favorite part of the draft, the fall of Quinn. Good Times. Everyone was saying how he handled it so well, except maybe the part where he hid in a room away from the press. What happens when he gets some "press"ure from the defense, is he going to run backwards and throw the ball behind him and go hide? My guess is yes.
23. Kansas City: Dwayne Bowe, WR, LSU - Wow, looks like KC has decided to switch their offense from a 3 TE, 2 RB set, to a 3 TE, 1 RB, 1WR set...i think it might be time.
24. New England: Brandon Meriweather, S, Miami - I think they took this pick when they knew they were going to eventually trade for Randy Moss. Should Moss take a play off they will run Meriweather onto the field to try and stomp some sense into his head.
25. Carolina: Jon Beason, LB, Miami - Am I not the only one who sees possible issues with the combination of drafting a Miami player mixed with the Carolina cheerleaders? Not saying i am not excited, just saying.
26. Dallas: Anthony Spencer, DE, Purdue - Being a lineman, I think a van with about 500lbs of pot is in his near future.
27. New Orleans: Robert Meachem, WR, Tennessee - Should have went one pick earlier to a team that actually needs WR help and could use someone who can actually catch a football.
28. San Francisco: Joe Staley, T, Cent. Michigan - SF traded up to get this pick and i think it is a good choice, as he was able to protect all of Central Michigan, so he should be able to protect San Francisco. (Really had nothing to say about this one)
29. Baltimore: Ben Grubbs, G Auburn - A guy named Grubbs, and he is a Guard. Great Pick, this will be my favorite pick to follow, as i love following Guards.
30. San Diego: Craig Davis, WR, LSU - This was the 4th LSU player taken in the first round. Not sure the 4th best player on a non-championship team should be taken in the first round. It does fill a need for the Charger's as they have been competing with KC as the team with the worst possible receivers for many years now, unless you count any team that TO has played on.
31. Chicago: Greg Olsen, TE, Miami - This is a good pick by the Bears. As now some of Rex Grossman's errant passes will be picked off by LB's, which are much slower and easier to tackle than Safeties and Cornerbacks.
32. Indianapolis: Anthony Gonzalez, WR, Ohio St - The colts are becoming the Yankee's of the NFL. Lets concentrate on building on our strengths (offense) and forget about our weaknesses (defense and pitching, and by pitching i mean Peyton Manning)
So there is my take on the first round of the draft.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Sports are Fixed? Really?
Tony Stewart said recently that he thinks NASCAR is controlling the races by deciding when to issue the caution flags, thus somehow letting the more popular drivers win or finish higher. Not exactly sure how this would work as wouldn't everyone stay in the same position if a caution flag is out. I also want to mention that i am in no way a NASCAR expert, i am in my second year of a fantasy racing league and so far have been a bottom feeder (maybe i can get my buddy who runs the league to make a post to explain this).
Anyways, it has come to this in sports, and it is disgusting, that television ratings and advertisers have now taken over OUR sports. I will attempt to show this, and try to be humorous at the same time.
NBA:
It started with the infamous Patrick Ewing lottery that netted the Knicks the first pick. But it has extended to last night where the referees are deciding the games. Last night the Warriors were T'd from any chance of going up 2-0 on the Mavs by ejecting the Warriors two best players. The league realizes that the Warriors winning would be a ratings killer among NBA fans who want to see their media driven "stars". To me, someone who doesn't watch NBA basketball, i would probably start watching and have someone to root for if the Warriors won. They don't understand. Also, in the Spurs-Nuggets tilt, they gave a huge advantage in FT's to the Spurs. Wouldn't it be more fun to watch the Nuggets/Warriors-Raptors in the final, pure basketball, but they will be stuck with Spurs-Pistons if they keep this up. Good luck drawing new fans with that? I think their dream match up would be Lakers vs Cavs where we could show our youth that shooting the ball with 4 defenders on you and not going back on defense is the way to play the game.
MLB:
Not much of a conspiracy here as its hard to control someone hitting a 95mph fastball on the outside corner. But they do force us to watch either the Red Sox or Yankees on every national broadcast. This one i blame on the fans as buying into all the hype. Seems like everyone wants to read about Bonds, A-Rod, Clemens, Schilling's bloody sock outside of baseball stories than actually watching and enjoying the actual games. There are 28 other fun baseball teams to watch out there instead of having a 5 minute report on Bonds taking a walk, A-Rod doing it in April again (that is actually a pretty funny line), Clemens throwing a rock into a lake while vacationing in Arizona (is he thinking of signing with the Diamondbacks?) or anything Red Sox. Arrrggghhh. As a baseball fan i am frustrated.
NFL:
No conspiracy here. This is the league that could play a Texans-Lions tilt on a Monday Night game and people would watch cause they have Jon Kitna playing in their fantasy league. I do find this interesting though. As a commissioner of a league, how many teams will start a player over a better player just cause they are on national TV so they can watch them. Good Times....means a win for me....
NHL:
Nothing here to report as i think the games have all been moved to Siberia, so no need for network influence here.
PGA:
No way you can influence that unless they institute mulligans based on world rankings, which wouldn't surprise me. I can see in a few years, Jim Nantz saying at the Masters, "There is Tiger on 18, after using his 35th mulligan putting for an eagle and a new record 48.
OK, be back tomorrow, might do a fantasy post, a headlines or one of the two topics that i have wanted to tackle that have been sitting on my floor...
Anyways, it has come to this in sports, and it is disgusting, that television ratings and advertisers have now taken over OUR sports. I will attempt to show this, and try to be humorous at the same time.
NBA:
It started with the infamous Patrick Ewing lottery that netted the Knicks the first pick. But it has extended to last night where the referees are deciding the games. Last night the Warriors were T'd from any chance of going up 2-0 on the Mavs by ejecting the Warriors two best players. The league realizes that the Warriors winning would be a ratings killer among NBA fans who want to see their media driven "stars". To me, someone who doesn't watch NBA basketball, i would probably start watching and have someone to root for if the Warriors won. They don't understand. Also, in the Spurs-Nuggets tilt, they gave a huge advantage in FT's to the Spurs. Wouldn't it be more fun to watch the Nuggets/Warriors-Raptors in the final, pure basketball, but they will be stuck with Spurs-Pistons if they keep this up. Good luck drawing new fans with that? I think their dream match up would be Lakers vs Cavs where we could show our youth that shooting the ball with 4 defenders on you and not going back on defense is the way to play the game.
MLB:
Not much of a conspiracy here as its hard to control someone hitting a 95mph fastball on the outside corner. But they do force us to watch either the Red Sox or Yankees on every national broadcast. This one i blame on the fans as buying into all the hype. Seems like everyone wants to read about Bonds, A-Rod, Clemens, Schilling's bloody sock outside of baseball stories than actually watching and enjoying the actual games. There are 28 other fun baseball teams to watch out there instead of having a 5 minute report on Bonds taking a walk, A-Rod doing it in April again (that is actually a pretty funny line), Clemens throwing a rock into a lake while vacationing in Arizona (is he thinking of signing with the Diamondbacks?) or anything Red Sox. Arrrggghhh. As a baseball fan i am frustrated.
NFL:
No conspiracy here. This is the league that could play a Texans-Lions tilt on a Monday Night game and people would watch cause they have Jon Kitna playing in their fantasy league. I do find this interesting though. As a commissioner of a league, how many teams will start a player over a better player just cause they are on national TV so they can watch them. Good Times....means a win for me....
NHL:
Nothing here to report as i think the games have all been moved to Siberia, so no need for network influence here.
PGA:
No way you can influence that unless they institute mulligans based on world rankings, which wouldn't surprise me. I can see in a few years, Jim Nantz saying at the Masters, "There is Tiger on 18, after using his 35th mulligan putting for an eagle and a new record 48.
OK, be back tomorrow, might do a fantasy post, a headlines or one of the two topics that i have wanted to tackle that have been sitting on my floor...
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
KC Getting Their Drunk On
It was reported this week that Torii Hunter of the Twins sent over 4 bottles of champagne to the KC Royals, for the fact that they swept the Tigers last year in the last week of the season which assisted in the Twins winning the Central. Well this is in violation of the MLB (No Fun League - oh wait that is the NFL) rules about sending gifts to the competition. Though it was harmless and the champagne was returned after the rules were told to Torii and GM Terry Ryan, there are still some lesser known violations of this rule throughout the past few years that seem to go by the wayside. Here is that list, and the payments:
Alex Rodriguez:
* $200 - To any player in his field of vision that doesn't make a little slapping motion while he bats.
* $12.99 Haircut coupon at Great Clips - To any player that gets his hair frosted to make him look cooler (2 coupons to those in the 2 cities where the networks broadcast "nationally" televised games, NY & Boston)
* 1 signed autographed picture of him and Jeter during a sleepover for any opposing fan that doesn't boo him and professes his love for him (Not for children under 16)
Barry Bonds:
* $35,000 per year - Any former teammate who claims they didn't see any head growth (current players exempt - as they are quite afraid of going to jail, as Barry seems to possess some sort of aura that makes people want to go to jail for him without any benefit)
* $10,000 - to each pitcher that throws one right down the middle of the plate
* $5000 - (additional) - if it is less than 75 mph and i hit it out
* $2000 - (additional) - If it is less than 75 mph and i foul it off cause i am too slow to catch up to it
* You owe me $10 Million if i should miss the pitch due to my slowness, and have to face the media, who are out to get me for no reason
* $20,000 - Any 1B that drops the throw to first as i jog to first base so i can be safe.
Kobe Bryant:
* $600 per game - any teammate who praise my leadership and how my missed FG's with 3 defenders in my face, are just me trying to get my teammates involved.
* $10,000 - To the guy in Game 2 who got his ankle near enough to me for me to fake an injury so i didn't have to endure the onslaught by Phoenix, and so my 5-13 night didn't turn into a 5-33 night.
Pacman Jones:
* $3000 - To any person from any team, or anyone in the USA who doesn't report anyone of my many crimes to come.
Yvelgny Kasporiniov:
* $1.20 - To anyone who watches our game
* $235 - To anyone who can find the Vs. channel without scrolling through the guide
OK, that is today's post...more to come this week...
Alex Rodriguez:
* $200 - To any player in his field of vision that doesn't make a little slapping motion while he bats.
* $12.99 Haircut coupon at Great Clips - To any player that gets his hair frosted to make him look cooler (2 coupons to those in the 2 cities where the networks broadcast "nationally" televised games, NY & Boston)
* 1 signed autographed picture of him and Jeter during a sleepover for any opposing fan that doesn't boo him and professes his love for him (Not for children under 16)
Barry Bonds:
* $35,000 per year - Any former teammate who claims they didn't see any head growth (current players exempt - as they are quite afraid of going to jail, as Barry seems to possess some sort of aura that makes people want to go to jail for him without any benefit)
* $10,000 - to each pitcher that throws one right down the middle of the plate
* $5000 - (additional) - if it is less than 75 mph and i hit it out
* $2000 - (additional) - If it is less than 75 mph and i foul it off cause i am too slow to catch up to it
* You owe me $10 Million if i should miss the pitch due to my slowness, and have to face the media, who are out to get me for no reason
* $20,000 - Any 1B that drops the throw to first as i jog to first base so i can be safe.
Kobe Bryant:
* $600 per game - any teammate who praise my leadership and how my missed FG's with 3 defenders in my face, are just me trying to get my teammates involved.
* $10,000 - To the guy in Game 2 who got his ankle near enough to me for me to fake an injury so i didn't have to endure the onslaught by Phoenix, and so my 5-13 night didn't turn into a 5-33 night.
Pacman Jones:
* $3000 - To any person from any team, or anyone in the USA who doesn't report anyone of my many crimes to come.
Yvelgny Kasporiniov:
* $1.20 - To anyone who watches our game
* $235 - To anyone who can find the Vs. channel without scrolling through the guide
OK, that is today's post...more to come this week...
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Sports Rule Changes, That Would Be Fun.
Yesterday, i posted different things in the sports world that need to go. Today we will take a lighter look, and look at some rule changes that would make the game more fun. And no, the list wont just be Kobe, Barry, Roger, Brett...we are looking at rule changes, and if any of these rules exclude any of these guys from playing...all the better. In no particular order:
1. MLB: Ground Rule Double - Wouldn't it be more fun if the OF had to climb into the stands and retrieve the ball? Of course there would be some security concerns should Barry Bonds have to go into the stands and rip off a drunk fans hand to retrieve a ball, well actually that wouldn't happen cause by the time Barry actually made it to the fence, the hitter would have an inside the park home run. Though it might be funny to see Manny try to climb the Green Monster, even though the ball was hit to right field, and foul.
2. NFL: Defensive Offsides - I think they should allow one defender across the line of scrimmage, maybe 4 yds from the QB. This, of course, is only to see Eli or Peyton actually crap their pants in HD.
3. NBA: 3-point line - Not saying I would get rid of the 3 point line, but why not add a 4 point line. Think about it. It would save players like Kobe, McGrady, Iverson, and such so much energy, not having to worry about running an offense and just being able to chuck up a shot from mid-court and then maybe try to play defense. Though i am pretty sure they just stand still unless they are on camera.
4. NASCAR: Speed Limit in Pit Row - Seriously, let guys zip in, slam on the brakes and spin into pit row, wouldn't that be more fun? Also if they allowed drivers to crash into others in pit row, kinda like having a defense. Imagine a driver in pit row, seeing another driver leaving before him, hitting the gas (even though he only has 3 tires) and knocking him out, throwing it in reverse, getting his other tire and speeding out of there afraid of other drivers doing the same. Wouldn't you watch?
5. NHL: Offsides - How would you defense this. If a team leaves a player down by the goalie, do you go 5 on 4 or drop someone back to protect against the opposing team getting the puck and sending down ice for a 1-0. Also we might see more goalies fighting, which are fun, in a clumsy Tron sort of way.
6. PGA: Making each golfer hit from the other side once a round - One of the disconnects between the PGA and us average golfers is shanking a shot. If this rule is implemented, we can go, see even the pros hit shots like us. Could you imagine Tiger on 18, set to win and he hasn't used his opposite side shot yet, and shanks one into the water while digging up 2 yards of grass, good times all around.
7. MLB: One Inning, switch positions: Wouldn't it be fun to see Manny playing third and drifting off to grab a hot dog from a vendor, or A-Rod playing catcher and running and shrieking every time a pitch is thrown, or Barry trying to pitch and automatically throwing the pitch into media box out of steroid rage? Good times for all.
8. NBA: Penalty Box - Instead of Free Throws and Possession with a technical foul, why not a penalty box for the NBA. Not only would it provide an exciting 5 on 4 game, but also would give the authorities a chance to handcuff the player and take him into questioning.
9. MLS: That is Major League Soccer, okay stop laughing about Major League being included, How about letting the players touch the ball with their hands - This of course would only be fun if the rule included letting the player who has the ball in their hand, to throw it at any opposing players head and maybe the game would end within a couple of minutes.
10. Poker: What if it wasn't considered a "sport" - Ahhh, we wouldn't be forced to see it on ESPN 24 hours a day and actually get to watch real sports. Really, i would watch Badminton, Bowling, Skiing, or some Croquet before watching this...Arrrgh...
Rule changes that need to be made, lets join together and get this done...peace out...
1. MLB: Ground Rule Double - Wouldn't it be more fun if the OF had to climb into the stands and retrieve the ball? Of course there would be some security concerns should Barry Bonds have to go into the stands and rip off a drunk fans hand to retrieve a ball, well actually that wouldn't happen cause by the time Barry actually made it to the fence, the hitter would have an inside the park home run. Though it might be funny to see Manny try to climb the Green Monster, even though the ball was hit to right field, and foul.
2. NFL: Defensive Offsides - I think they should allow one defender across the line of scrimmage, maybe 4 yds from the QB. This, of course, is only to see Eli or Peyton actually crap their pants in HD.
3. NBA: 3-point line - Not saying I would get rid of the 3 point line, but why not add a 4 point line. Think about it. It would save players like Kobe, McGrady, Iverson, and such so much energy, not having to worry about running an offense and just being able to chuck up a shot from mid-court and then maybe try to play defense. Though i am pretty sure they just stand still unless they are on camera.
4. NASCAR: Speed Limit in Pit Row - Seriously, let guys zip in, slam on the brakes and spin into pit row, wouldn't that be more fun? Also if they allowed drivers to crash into others in pit row, kinda like having a defense. Imagine a driver in pit row, seeing another driver leaving before him, hitting the gas (even though he only has 3 tires) and knocking him out, throwing it in reverse, getting his other tire and speeding out of there afraid of other drivers doing the same. Wouldn't you watch?
5. NHL: Offsides - How would you defense this. If a team leaves a player down by the goalie, do you go 5 on 4 or drop someone back to protect against the opposing team getting the puck and sending down ice for a 1-0. Also we might see more goalies fighting, which are fun, in a clumsy Tron sort of way.
6. PGA: Making each golfer hit from the other side once a round - One of the disconnects between the PGA and us average golfers is shanking a shot. If this rule is implemented, we can go, see even the pros hit shots like us. Could you imagine Tiger on 18, set to win and he hasn't used his opposite side shot yet, and shanks one into the water while digging up 2 yards of grass, good times all around.
7. MLB: One Inning, switch positions: Wouldn't it be fun to see Manny playing third and drifting off to grab a hot dog from a vendor, or A-Rod playing catcher and running and shrieking every time a pitch is thrown, or Barry trying to pitch and automatically throwing the pitch into media box out of steroid rage? Good times for all.
8. NBA: Penalty Box - Instead of Free Throws and Possession with a technical foul, why not a penalty box for the NBA. Not only would it provide an exciting 5 on 4 game, but also would give the authorities a chance to handcuff the player and take him into questioning.
9. MLS: That is Major League Soccer, okay stop laughing about Major League being included, How about letting the players touch the ball with their hands - This of course would only be fun if the rule included letting the player who has the ball in their hand, to throw it at any opposing players head and maybe the game would end within a couple of minutes.
10. Poker: What if it wasn't considered a "sport" - Ahhh, we wouldn't be forced to see it on ESPN 24 hours a day and actually get to watch real sports. Really, i would watch Badminton, Bowling, Skiing, or some Croquet before watching this...Arrrgh...
Rule changes that need to be made, lets join together and get this done...peace out...
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Things That Need To Go
I think everyone is going to agree with me on this post. There are so many things in the sports world that need to go, we are tired of it. This isn't just in the games, but in the writing, analysing, reporting and probably the worst, the fans posting in chats. It has gotten out of control. So here is my thoughts on what needs to go the way of the phrase "Jumped the Shark", which hopefully is finally out of circulation. In no particular order:
1. "Why does (blank) hate the (posters favorite team): This has gotten out of hand. Anytime a writer does a column that doesn't predict a fans favorite team to win a championship, the fan automatically assumes that everyone hates their team. Fans sometimes lose reality, but because one person doesn't predict your team to win a championship doesn't mean the nation hates your team. I think these fans expect every website to report only on their team, which would make Netflix a little more boring if it only had KC Royals '05 Season in Review, '06 Season in Review...etc. I am guessing those wouldn't make into many Queue's
2. "Why doesn't anyone respect the (fans favorite team): This was born in the NE area and its HQ still resides there. But the disease of this term is still spreading. It started with the Patriots winning the Super Bowl (the worst thing that could ever happen in the sporting world). They claimed no respect, ummm, maybe your 394 years of losing may have had something to do with it. It continues on and has spread. There are fans whose team won their first baseball game of the season and claimed no respect even though there are still 161 games left. Arrgh.
3. Announcers on Camera: Why is it that every time the camera is on the announcers of a certain game, that the person not speaking stares at the person that is? What are they thinking when they do this? Does Billy Packer look at Jim Nantz and think: "Wow, i wish i could part my hair", "I wonder who does his eyelids", or "Wow, that is one big ear". It is very creepy, are they taught this in broadcasting school, to only look at the camera when speaking. And if I was Billy Packer's partner (broadcast partner) they probably wouldn't let us on camera as when he is speaking i would probably be looking up in the air trying to pull my hair out, or trying to choke myself with one of the cords.
4. Non Stories: Alright, Alright, enough with a story everyday about Brett Favre, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, or Kobe Bryant. Enough, you hear me. These guys go take a pee and it is Breaking News. They say they are going to hold a press conference in 2 weeks and all of a sudden networks have there "Clemens - countdown to him telling us he isn't sure on retiring yet" ticker in the bottom corner of every broadcast. I am pretty sure that it isn't a requirement that their names appear in every broadcast, even the 3am broadcast of the World Badminton Championships on ESPN where an announcer will say "If these teams had Clemens and Farve, they would win"
5. Who had (date) in the (event) office pool: Writers and posters are getting lazy. Anytime something happens to an athlete they use this phrase "Who had March 30th in the Mark Prior Injury Office Pool. Its not funny anymore, not that it ever was.
6. ALL CAPS posters who whine about not being posted: Mostly on ESPN Sportsnation chats, it doesn't have to be all caps, but the people that post questions starting with "C'mon, no questions about the (favorite team) you must hate them", or "I have asked this (stupid question) and everyone is afraid to answer it about (crappy team). Most ESPN posters are unoriginal and borrow from others like it is some contest to see how many post they can get.
7. Time Outs in NBA: Seriously, why do they need so many timeouts. In the NFL, you get 3 per half, mainly to stop the clock. MLB you get zero. NHL you get 1 but they rarely use it. Why does the NBA need all the timeouts, is it so much more complicated than these other sports, i say no. You don't need 12 timeouts to tell the players "Once Kobe gets the ball he will shoot so get back on defense as he will probably miss"
8. Sports Movies: We had a great run several years ago with Caddyshack, Hoosiers, Rocky, Slap Shot, The Longest Yard, The Natural, Major League, and Field of Dreams. But those are classics, now we are mostly inundated with crap like Fever Pitch & Mr 3000. There are no more stories to tell, unless of course there is a biopic about Pacman Jones. (Actually i might write something about sports movies and ratings soon, might be a fun topic to tackle, ha, get it tackle, not only does it apply to football fans but fishing fans too)
9. Peyton Manning: No particular reason other than it might get him to stop making horrible commercials.
10. Clyde Drexler on Dancing with the Stars: Why, Why would i have to be exposed to this while flipping through the channels, it looked like Elaine's dance from Seinfeld, only she was 6'8" and had worse dance moves. I feel bad for the people who got kicked out before him.
Ok, so that is this post on what needs to go in sports, tomorrow (or tonight) i will take a look at some rules in the games that could be changed to make the games more fun.
1. "Why does (blank) hate the (posters favorite team): This has gotten out of hand. Anytime a writer does a column that doesn't predict a fans favorite team to win a championship, the fan automatically assumes that everyone hates their team. Fans sometimes lose reality, but because one person doesn't predict your team to win a championship doesn't mean the nation hates your team. I think these fans expect every website to report only on their team, which would make Netflix a little more boring if it only had KC Royals '05 Season in Review, '06 Season in Review...etc. I am guessing those wouldn't make into many Queue's
2. "Why doesn't anyone respect the (fans favorite team): This was born in the NE area and its HQ still resides there. But the disease of this term is still spreading. It started with the Patriots winning the Super Bowl (the worst thing that could ever happen in the sporting world). They claimed no respect, ummm, maybe your 394 years of losing may have had something to do with it. It continues on and has spread. There are fans whose team won their first baseball game of the season and claimed no respect even though there are still 161 games left. Arrgh.
3. Announcers on Camera: Why is it that every time the camera is on the announcers of a certain game, that the person not speaking stares at the person that is? What are they thinking when they do this? Does Billy Packer look at Jim Nantz and think: "Wow, i wish i could part my hair", "I wonder who does his eyelids", or "Wow, that is one big ear". It is very creepy, are they taught this in broadcasting school, to only look at the camera when speaking. And if I was Billy Packer's partner (broadcast partner) they probably wouldn't let us on camera as when he is speaking i would probably be looking up in the air trying to pull my hair out, or trying to choke myself with one of the cords.
4. Non Stories: Alright, Alright, enough with a story everyday about Brett Favre, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, or Kobe Bryant. Enough, you hear me. These guys go take a pee and it is Breaking News. They say they are going to hold a press conference in 2 weeks and all of a sudden networks have there "Clemens - countdown to him telling us he isn't sure on retiring yet" ticker in the bottom corner of every broadcast. I am pretty sure that it isn't a requirement that their names appear in every broadcast, even the 3am broadcast of the World Badminton Championships on ESPN where an announcer will say "If these teams had Clemens and Farve, they would win"
5. Who had (date) in the (event) office pool: Writers and posters are getting lazy. Anytime something happens to an athlete they use this phrase "Who had March 30th in the Mark Prior Injury Office Pool. Its not funny anymore, not that it ever was.
6. ALL CAPS posters who whine about not being posted: Mostly on ESPN Sportsnation chats, it doesn't have to be all caps, but the people that post questions starting with "C'mon, no questions about the (favorite team) you must hate them", or "I have asked this (stupid question) and everyone is afraid to answer it about (crappy team). Most ESPN posters are unoriginal and borrow from others like it is some contest to see how many post they can get.
7. Time Outs in NBA: Seriously, why do they need so many timeouts. In the NFL, you get 3 per half, mainly to stop the clock. MLB you get zero. NHL you get 1 but they rarely use it. Why does the NBA need all the timeouts, is it so much more complicated than these other sports, i say no. You don't need 12 timeouts to tell the players "Once Kobe gets the ball he will shoot so get back on defense as he will probably miss"
8. Sports Movies: We had a great run several years ago with Caddyshack, Hoosiers, Rocky, Slap Shot, The Longest Yard, The Natural, Major League, and Field of Dreams. But those are classics, now we are mostly inundated with crap like Fever Pitch & Mr 3000. There are no more stories to tell, unless of course there is a biopic about Pacman Jones. (Actually i might write something about sports movies and ratings soon, might be a fun topic to tackle, ha, get it tackle, not only does it apply to football fans but fishing fans too)
9. Peyton Manning: No particular reason other than it might get him to stop making horrible commercials.
10. Clyde Drexler on Dancing with the Stars: Why, Why would i have to be exposed to this while flipping through the channels, it looked like Elaine's dance from Seinfeld, only she was 6'8" and had worse dance moves. I feel bad for the people who got kicked out before him.
Ok, so that is this post on what needs to go in sports, tomorrow (or tonight) i will take a look at some rules in the games that could be changed to make the games more fun.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Headlines
Time for a new headlines post on stories that didn't require their own post, but still deserved to be mocked.
But first, a moment of silence for all that lost their lives yesterday at VT to a senseless act of violence by a deranged individual. Thoughts and condolences to all who are affected by this tragedy.
Alright, onto the headlines from the past couple of the weeks:
NBA Non Playoff Teams to play in fish tanks the rest of the year.
With several NBA teams obviously tanking their season this year by coming up with mysterious injuries for their stars, playing guys #8-12 in crunch time of a close game, and still employing Doc Rivers, it is obvious something needs to change. Now some experts are suggesting that the team with the best record who doesn't make the playoffs gets the highest number of fixed, i mean, lottery balls. My view is this will not fix the problem. Wont decent teams on the cusp of the playoffs start tanking. Would you rather be an 8 seed this year and lose in the first round, or have the best chance at the top college player which could make your team a top 4 seed next year? Answer tank it, but not so you lose the the top loser spot, so i guess that wouldn't be as bad as completely tanking as you might have to win a few games. Best case scenario for this year, Oden stays in college and all the teams that tanked this year hedging their bets on a top 2 spot, now needing #1.
Pacman Moves, Media Follows
Pacman Jones announced he may plan on going back to school during his suspension. My guess is that he will try to pursue a criminal justice major so he can find out what he can and cannot do. This plan was scrapped once he found out that since he isn't on the college football team, he would actually have to attend class, and so he decided to appeal his suspension with a "Wasn't Me" defense.
Lets go out to the Rain outs and bring me some snow and some shovels...
Several baseball games were cancelled the first two weeks of the season due to snow and rain. Many people are blaming scheduling several games of warm weather or dome non-division teams to play in the northern or eastern cities early in the year. Of course Yankee fans are complaining about how the media hates them and Boston fans are complaining about lack of respect for the bad weather this year.
NBC's Today Show gets a Tiki Bar (ber)
Many were worried that Tiki would be nervous appearing before cameras on live TV. Tiki wasn't worried though as he had to perform in front of millions of people with Eli Manning as his QB, which was much more embarrassing.
Andre Agassi perfects his back-hand
Agassi, after hitting his wife Steffi Graf with a tennis racket "accidentally" during a charity event this weekend causing three stitches to her mouth, seems to perfected his backhand and they are ready to move into the Coral Gables Oceanside Trailer Park. Andre says "We have tried to move in before, but they said Steffi, even with the nose thing, is still too pretty, has all her teeth and no signs of scars. Hopefully this is a move in the right direction to be accepted into their community."
Duncan's off-season personality surgery deemed a success
Tim Duncan was ejected from the Spurs game with Dallas, after showing some actual emotion on the bench by laughing. Crawford, the referee was so shocked that Duncan was actually capable of emotion that he booted him from the game believing that the Spurs had actually brought in an impostor to replace Duncan which is in violation of NBA rules.
Madden '08 Cover Announcement Ends in Tragedy
The EA Sports official announcement dinner for the player on the cover of the '08 version of the game was interrupted as Vince Young, the new player on the cover, had trouble walking up to the podium. As Vince walked up the steps to the podium, one of the steps gave way and he sprained his ankle. While hopping on stage, he tripped on a cord and fell off the back of the stage separating his right shoulder. As he climbed back on-stage and regained his composure he somehow slipped and fell into a tub that already had a plugged in toaster placed in it. Why this toaster tub was onstage still needs to be determined, as it had no real use for the ceremony.
KG looking at a possible extended vacation
Recent news have the Lakers possibly looking at acquiring Kevin Garnett in the off season. After years of playing with the T-Wolves where he was the only offense, and actually the only one who knew where the basket was, KG is looking forward to the vacation in the LA sun. He was quoted as saying "I have busted my butt for years, now if i play for the Lakers, i can just walk down the court and stand around and wait for Kobe to shoot. I really only need to go to mid-court, and then i can get back on defense walking backwards. I am really looking forward to the break"
Yankee Fans say this is the best the team has ever looked.
In their 7th year of delusion, Yankee fans still claim that this is a team for the ages, despite a AA level starting pitching staff, Jeter checking out babes in the stands and committing 6 errors already (yeah he is a gold glove, an actual gold glove), A-Rod letting other guys massage him, and their vaunted closer giving up a walk off HR to Mark Scu...umm some guy named Mark. When asked, a Yankee fan offered his thoughts, "Well we should get Guidry back soon, Reggie Jackson is looking good in his rehab assignment and you can never count out the Babe".
Red Sox pay fan for his arm
After not being in the news or on any lead stories on any major websites for 2 days, the Red Sox top brass decided to pay a fan to throw his slice of pizza at another fan/player just to get back in the news. A Red Sox spokesman says "In all honesty, we should be the lead story of every newscast around the country every night. We won the World Series a few years back and are not getting the respect we deserve. We would have won the World Series last year too if we had played well enough to make the playoffs. So, since the nation is tired of us, we have to resort to these tactics to get back into the news." Most of the nation is still laughing at the staged incident, causing a reduction of work productivity by 62%.
'72 Dolphins upset about the pepper situation
The extremely anal and pretentious 1972 Dolphins are upset about the rumors of the current team trading Daunte Culpepper. Knowing that some actual great team will eventually go undefeated and send them into Bolivian (as Mike Tyson might say), thus reducing their champagne drinking by one day. Says RB Larry Csonka "We brought in a QB with a serious injury in hopes that we can at least remain the best Dolphin team and still celebrate for a few more years, and now they are going to trade him? I say he is fine, lets put him out there with one leg and see what he can do. People are starting to say, in terms of relevance, that our team couldn't beat that 6-10 team from a few years ago and i beg to differ, if we played them 10 times, we would win one.
So there is the headlines from recent weeks...i have about 10 posts in the hopper so be ready for an onslaught of posts and read down the blog as there could be more than one a day...
But first, a moment of silence for all that lost their lives yesterday at VT to a senseless act of violence by a deranged individual. Thoughts and condolences to all who are affected by this tragedy.
Alright, onto the headlines from the past couple of the weeks:
NBA Non Playoff Teams to play in fish tanks the rest of the year.
With several NBA teams obviously tanking their season this year by coming up with mysterious injuries for their stars, playing guys #8-12 in crunch time of a close game, and still employing Doc Rivers, it is obvious something needs to change. Now some experts are suggesting that the team with the best record who doesn't make the playoffs gets the highest number of fixed, i mean, lottery balls. My view is this will not fix the problem. Wont decent teams on the cusp of the playoffs start tanking. Would you rather be an 8 seed this year and lose in the first round, or have the best chance at the top college player which could make your team a top 4 seed next year? Answer tank it, but not so you lose the the top loser spot, so i guess that wouldn't be as bad as completely tanking as you might have to win a few games. Best case scenario for this year, Oden stays in college and all the teams that tanked this year hedging their bets on a top 2 spot, now needing #1.
Pacman Moves, Media Follows
Pacman Jones announced he may plan on going back to school during his suspension. My guess is that he will try to pursue a criminal justice major so he can find out what he can and cannot do. This plan was scrapped once he found out that since he isn't on the college football team, he would actually have to attend class, and so he decided to appeal his suspension with a "Wasn't Me" defense.
Lets go out to the Rain outs and bring me some snow and some shovels...
Several baseball games were cancelled the first two weeks of the season due to snow and rain. Many people are blaming scheduling several games of warm weather or dome non-division teams to play in the northern or eastern cities early in the year. Of course Yankee fans are complaining about how the media hates them and Boston fans are complaining about lack of respect for the bad weather this year.
NBC's Today Show gets a Tiki Bar (ber)
Many were worried that Tiki would be nervous appearing before cameras on live TV. Tiki wasn't worried though as he had to perform in front of millions of people with Eli Manning as his QB, which was much more embarrassing.
Andre Agassi perfects his back-hand
Agassi, after hitting his wife Steffi Graf with a tennis racket "accidentally" during a charity event this weekend causing three stitches to her mouth, seems to perfected his backhand and they are ready to move into the Coral Gables Oceanside Trailer Park. Andre says "We have tried to move in before, but they said Steffi, even with the nose thing, is still too pretty, has all her teeth and no signs of scars. Hopefully this is a move in the right direction to be accepted into their community."
Duncan's off-season personality surgery deemed a success
Tim Duncan was ejected from the Spurs game with Dallas, after showing some actual emotion on the bench by laughing. Crawford, the referee was so shocked that Duncan was actually capable of emotion that he booted him from the game believing that the Spurs had actually brought in an impostor to replace Duncan which is in violation of NBA rules.
Madden '08 Cover Announcement Ends in Tragedy
The EA Sports official announcement dinner for the player on the cover of the '08 version of the game was interrupted as Vince Young, the new player on the cover, had trouble walking up to the podium. As Vince walked up the steps to the podium, one of the steps gave way and he sprained his ankle. While hopping on stage, he tripped on a cord and fell off the back of the stage separating his right shoulder. As he climbed back on-stage and regained his composure he somehow slipped and fell into a tub that already had a plugged in toaster placed in it. Why this toaster tub was onstage still needs to be determined, as it had no real use for the ceremony.
KG looking at a possible extended vacation
Recent news have the Lakers possibly looking at acquiring Kevin Garnett in the off season. After years of playing with the T-Wolves where he was the only offense, and actually the only one who knew where the basket was, KG is looking forward to the vacation in the LA sun. He was quoted as saying "I have busted my butt for years, now if i play for the Lakers, i can just walk down the court and stand around and wait for Kobe to shoot. I really only need to go to mid-court, and then i can get back on defense walking backwards. I am really looking forward to the break"
Yankee Fans say this is the best the team has ever looked.
In their 7th year of delusion, Yankee fans still claim that this is a team for the ages, despite a AA level starting pitching staff, Jeter checking out babes in the stands and committing 6 errors already (yeah he is a gold glove, an actual gold glove), A-Rod letting other guys massage him, and their vaunted closer giving up a walk off HR to Mark Scu...umm some guy named Mark. When asked, a Yankee fan offered his thoughts, "Well we should get Guidry back soon, Reggie Jackson is looking good in his rehab assignment and you can never count out the Babe".
Red Sox pay fan for his arm
After not being in the news or on any lead stories on any major websites for 2 days, the Red Sox top brass decided to pay a fan to throw his slice of pizza at another fan/player just to get back in the news. A Red Sox spokesman says "In all honesty, we should be the lead story of every newscast around the country every night. We won the World Series a few years back and are not getting the respect we deserve. We would have won the World Series last year too if we had played well enough to make the playoffs. So, since the nation is tired of us, we have to resort to these tactics to get back into the news." Most of the nation is still laughing at the staged incident, causing a reduction of work productivity by 62%.
'72 Dolphins upset about the pepper situation
The extremely anal and pretentious 1972 Dolphins are upset about the rumors of the current team trading Daunte Culpepper. Knowing that some actual great team will eventually go undefeated and send them into Bolivian (as Mike Tyson might say), thus reducing their champagne drinking by one day. Says RB Larry Csonka "We brought in a QB with a serious injury in hopes that we can at least remain the best Dolphin team and still celebrate for a few more years, and now they are going to trade him? I say he is fine, lets put him out there with one leg and see what he can do. People are starting to say, in terms of relevance, that our team couldn't beat that 6-10 team from a few years ago and i beg to differ, if we played them 10 times, we would win one.
So there is the headlines from recent weeks...i have about 10 posts in the hopper so be ready for an onslaught of posts and read down the blog as there could be more than one a day...
Friday, April 13, 2007
WWKD - What Would Kobe Do?
After last nights loss to the Clippers, the Lakers, I mean, the Kobe's are in danger of losing a playoff spot. The Kobe's lost a 17 point lead in the 3rd quarter after the Clippers triple teamed him and he still decided to shoot instead of pass. The rest of his team pretty much stood around on offense as they knew they wouldn't get the ball. If i were them i would have stayed down on the other end, saved some energy for playing defense. But this begs the question: What would Kobe do if he played other sports, i would list some pro's and con's, but i cant imagine any pro's to Kobe being on your team:
Football:
What Kobe Would Want: My first guess is he would want to be QB so he could touch the ball every play. This wouldn't work out though as he would go to the line of scrimmage and act like Peyton and scream, "Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, On Two", thus tipping off the defense to the play.
What Would Probably Happen: He would be RB, he might be satisfied with the touches, but probably not, more than likely he would come back and steal the ball from the QB on any pass play, and don't get me started on what would happen on the RB Option Pass play, that's a 25 yard loss waiting to happen.
Best Case Scenario: He ends up being the holder for FG and XP. It would be fun to see him after each snap, take off and run while the K nearly breaks his leg. During game 2 i would think that the K would tackle him without trying to kick it and go all Gramatica on him.
Hockey:
What Kobe would want: Center, after each face off, he would drop down grab the puck and try to dribble towards the net, after told you cant do this and you don't need to dribble, he would probably still drop down and grab the puck, yet just skate towards the blue line and launch a 1.
What would probably happen: They stick him on Defense. After a save by the goalie, he collects the puck and tries to take it all by himself, never getting past their own blue line. Also, since he doesn't like being replaced, he refuses to leave the ice during line changes.
Best Case Scenario: After his own team realizes he doesn't pass, they inform Tie Domi that he said something bad about his sister and tell Kobe, "Your shooting a 3 and Tie is trying to block it, elbow him". End of Story.
Baseball:
What Kobe would want: Catcher, so he could touch the ball each play. Doesn't work out after the first 97mph pitch that hurts his hand, where Kobe goes to the mound and says, "Hey, just bounce pass it to me and i will run the bases and get a run."
What would probably happen: They throw him in right field. Any ball hit, he runs towards it and tries to get the ball. Problems ensue when the 2nd pitch of the game is fouled off and Kobe runs into the stands and steals the ball from a 6-year old kid named Nathan, and then runs across home plate. Ends up arguing with the umpire that he was fouled by the security guards and should get two free chances to run across home plate, he only makes one of them.
Best Case Scenario: Easy, HBP.
Other Sports:
Bowling: In a Friday night league, he runs up and down the lanes stealing balls and rolling them himself. After 2 hours, he still doesn't have 50 pts.
Golf: After teeing off first, leaves the tee box before the other player hits. After being informed that someone else needs to hit before he can go to his ball, he walks back to the tee box, pushes the guy aside with an elbow and hits his shot for him.
Curling: Set up as a sweeper, Kobe drops the broom and grabs the first rock thrown. He tries to hoist a 3- pointer but wrenches his back since he realizes the rock about 50 lbs.
NASCAR: Stays at the starting line as he searches the car for a ball. After not finding it he gets out of the car to look in the trunk and is smashed by the leader of the first lap.
AVP: Not used to the sand, Kobe is unable to jump up and grab the ball as his team get off to a 7-0 lead. Once he learns its easier to tackle players on his team to get the ball they end up losing 15-7, 15-0, 15-0.
Paintball: Kobe takes out all of his teammates first and then takes on the other team by himself, after being quadruple teamed, he fires up an ill-advised shot up in the air, instead of trying to hit the opponent.
So, there it is, not only is he bad for basketball, he might be worse for other sports.
Football:
What Kobe Would Want: My first guess is he would want to be QB so he could touch the ball every play. This wouldn't work out though as he would go to the line of scrimmage and act like Peyton and scream, "Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, On Two", thus tipping off the defense to the play.
What Would Probably Happen: He would be RB, he might be satisfied with the touches, but probably not, more than likely he would come back and steal the ball from the QB on any pass play, and don't get me started on what would happen on the RB Option Pass play, that's a 25 yard loss waiting to happen.
Best Case Scenario: He ends up being the holder for FG and XP. It would be fun to see him after each snap, take off and run while the K nearly breaks his leg. During game 2 i would think that the K would tackle him without trying to kick it and go all Gramatica on him.
Hockey:
What Kobe would want: Center, after each face off, he would drop down grab the puck and try to dribble towards the net, after told you cant do this and you don't need to dribble, he would probably still drop down and grab the puck, yet just skate towards the blue line and launch a 1.
What would probably happen: They stick him on Defense. After a save by the goalie, he collects the puck and tries to take it all by himself, never getting past their own blue line. Also, since he doesn't like being replaced, he refuses to leave the ice during line changes.
Best Case Scenario: After his own team realizes he doesn't pass, they inform Tie Domi that he said something bad about his sister and tell Kobe, "Your shooting a 3 and Tie is trying to block it, elbow him". End of Story.
Baseball:
What Kobe would want: Catcher, so he could touch the ball each play. Doesn't work out after the first 97mph pitch that hurts his hand, where Kobe goes to the mound and says, "Hey, just bounce pass it to me and i will run the bases and get a run."
What would probably happen: They throw him in right field. Any ball hit, he runs towards it and tries to get the ball. Problems ensue when the 2nd pitch of the game is fouled off and Kobe runs into the stands and steals the ball from a 6-year old kid named Nathan, and then runs across home plate. Ends up arguing with the umpire that he was fouled by the security guards and should get two free chances to run across home plate, he only makes one of them.
Best Case Scenario: Easy, HBP.
Other Sports:
Bowling: In a Friday night league, he runs up and down the lanes stealing balls and rolling them himself. After 2 hours, he still doesn't have 50 pts.
Golf: After teeing off first, leaves the tee box before the other player hits. After being informed that someone else needs to hit before he can go to his ball, he walks back to the tee box, pushes the guy aside with an elbow and hits his shot for him.
Curling: Set up as a sweeper, Kobe drops the broom and grabs the first rock thrown. He tries to hoist a 3- pointer but wrenches his back since he realizes the rock about 50 lbs.
NASCAR: Stays at the starting line as he searches the car for a ball. After not finding it he gets out of the car to look in the trunk and is smashed by the leader of the first lap.
AVP: Not used to the sand, Kobe is unable to jump up and grab the ball as his team get off to a 7-0 lead. Once he learns its easier to tackle players on his team to get the ball they end up losing 15-7, 15-0, 15-0.
Paintball: Kobe takes out all of his teammates first and then takes on the other team by himself, after being quadruple teamed, he fires up an ill-advised shot up in the air, instead of trying to hit the opponent.
So, there it is, not only is he bad for basketball, he might be worse for other sports.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
NFL Releases Schedule - Every Fan Complains
The NFL released its schedule today, which set off a simultaneous whining from all fans that sounded kinda like the weekly Emergency Broadcast Network's test. Most of the whines sounded like "We have to play two games on the road out of five?", "Why do the schedulers hate my team? (i am going to touch on this trend in a later post)", and "How come we don't get to face Eli Manning this year, i carried over my teams defense in my fantasy league?" Anyways, every fan thinks they got ripped off. Here will be a week by week review of the new NFL Schedule with the following:
Worst game of the week (Worst): The game will absolutely be the worst game of the week, which i guess is the definition of the worst game.
Best game of the week (Best): The game that will be the most over hyped, and annoy you to no end.
Most intriguing sub-plot of the week (MIS): I don't want to type each of those each week.
Week 1:
Worst: Detroit @ Oakland - But you have a chance to see 2 of the top draft picks, assuming these teams aren't stupid enough to trade them, a big assumption. One of these teams wont end up winless, well chances are they will tie 0-0 after players forget there is a game that day.
Best: Chicago @ SD - Could have been the Super Bowl! Well if they would have won.
MIS: NO @ Indy - 1st game of the year. Will anyone watch since there are no east coast teams? Cant think of anything else exciting about this game other than for NO and Indy fans.
Week 2:
Worst: Houston @ Carolina - David Carr returns with the Panthers to face his old team, well if you count that he will be on the bench sending in signals, as facing his old team, big payback for him.
Best: Indy @ TN - Peyton returns home to where he played college ball. Most of the fans in the stands will be Titan fans though, as most of the Volunteer fans will be at home cause they don't want to miss Peyton on TV, and his next commercial.
MIS: SD & NE - Last year the Patriots defaced the Chargers logo at middle field, not by urinating or anything on the logo, but by a dance that proves that no one should respect them, from coast to coast.
Week 3:
Worst: Miami @ NYJ - Miami doesn't have a QB, and by the beginning of the season, Pennington will be injured by some freak tractor accident, so they won't have a QB. I see this game with every snap going to no one and a lot of safeties. I predict 18-16.
Best: Dallas @ Chicago - This could have been the battle of the Jones brothers, Thomas & Julius, but since one has been traded and the other is likely to be traded, and being replaced by better backs, it moves from the worst game to the best game.
MIS: TN @ NO - Everyone is hyping this as the Bush vs Young match up, there are way too many jokes here, should I let them all go?
Week 4:
Worst: Chicago @ Detroit - Detroit backup Josh McNown wants to be traded, and hopefully the Lions have granted this request by now or we may see him hanging from the rafters as he realizes Matt Millen thinks he is worse than Jon Kitna and cant beat Rex Grossman.
Best: GB @ MN - This is only the best game if Randy Moss is traded to GB, he scores a TD and moons the MN crowd, only to have the Viking motorcycle riding mascot to shove a horn up his a**, that would be cool
MIS: TN Bye - Will all 52 TN active players be able to find Pacman Jones after he has wreaked havoc on 7 states while away from the team on suspension and bring him in peacefully, on an all new America's Most Wanted?
Week 5:
Worst: Detroit @ Washington - Matt Millen vs Dan Snyder, the Inept-a-Bowl sponsored by Suckatude.com, if you will.
Best: NYJ @ NYG - How exactly is a game in NY an away game for a NY team? To make it feel like a road game, do they take a flight, to say Omaha and back, to give them a disadvantage. Because Omaha could kill some spirits. The networks will probably call this a Subway Series even though it isn't a series, nor played in the Subway, which would be cool.
MIS: Cincy Bye Week - Even without Chris Henry, will USA's security level be raised to Red level this week, just in case?
Week 6:
Worst: NYG @ Atlanta - On Monday Night, they go for the record of least completion % by both QB's combined and the most combined INT's in the same game. Quite inspired if you ask me.
Best: NO @ Seattle - Both cities were hit by tragedy's. NO, with Hurricane Katrina, and Seattle with the day that Grunge Rock died and it was sunny the same day so everyone got totally sunburned outside Starbucks.
MIS: Indy Bye Week - How many commercials will Peyton film and how many times will we see them the rest of the year?
Week 7:
Worst: Minnesota @ Dallas - 87 cameras shatter at midfield when they try to take a picture of owners Wilf and Jones at the same time. Game is delayed 30 minutes to clean up the shrapnel.
Best: NE @ Miami - Normally NE would be the best game of the week, every week, according to the networks, but i waited until now. The question of the week will be whether Bellichek suffers a heat stroke in Miami from wearing the hoodie in 92 degree heat?
MIS: Baltimore @ Buffalo - Ray Lewis was involved in a double homicide in Florida, imagine the carnage he may provide this week in Buffalo in the middle of October?
Week 8:
Worst: Houston @ SD - Could have been Bush vs LT. Now it is just...ummm...their RB vs a psycho steroid infested Merriman. No Contest. Houston should be able to gain a few yards though if they go with their "Throw a defenseless cat near Merriman" offense.
Best: Oakland @ Tennessee - Just kidding, all the other games this week are just as bad.
MIS: NYG @ Miami - Will Eli survive coming out of the darkness and seeing the sun?
Week 9:
Worst: Houston @ Oakland - Oakland fans will complain about the schedule makers saying we already have to see a crappy team 8 times a year, cant you bring us Indy, or at least a good team from the CFL?
Best: Seattle @ Cleveland - The much anticipated first rematch of the cancelled series between the Indians and the Mariners, unfortunately there is still snow, and the baseball season has ended.
MIS: Chicago Bye Week - Will the police in Chicago have found the body of Rex Grossman yet?
Week 10:
Worst: Detroit @ Arizona - Would be better if Denny Green was still involved and lost to the Lions and claimed "They are what they thought we were, crap" after a 4-3 loss.
Best: Cincy @ Baltimore - Can Ray Lewis defend against the onslaught of Cincy?
MIS: NE Bye Week - The 24 hour coverage of NE's meetings with other bye week teams about lack of respect.
Week 11:
Worst: Oakland @ Minnesota - Same situation as above, only Randy Moss isn't traded and this game will suck worse than that one.
Best: Chicago @ Seattle - In an inspiring story, Rex is rescued by Chicago Police in time for this game to throw 8 INT's in a 14-3 loss, doesn't make flight back to Chicago. Last seen with several LB looking guys near the Puget Sound.
MIS: Cleveland @ Baltimore - Does Cleveland show up at this game, only to find a van waiting to take their equipment to San Antonio?
Week 12:
Worst: Thanksgiving Games - For about 10 years now this has made America miss that 2nd plate of Turkey, Stuffing and Cranberry Sauce due to fear of vomitting. And we are not happy.
Best: Philadelphia @ NE - Even though it is a Sunday night game, Jaws is still confused about the ESPN shift to Monday night games and shows up at the field. He is needed as McNabb goes down with a season ending injury and he leads them to a 20-17 victory, without any actual known receivers.
MIS: Houston @ Cleveland - Does Matt Schaub go to Cleveland and realize if he was traded to them he could have been 2-9 instead of 1-10?
Week 13:
Worst: Detroit @ Minnesota - In the 1st round of this years draft, both teams drafted WR's who are either 5th on the depth chart or have run over a cop...on the field of play.
Best: Cincy @ Pittsburgh - Due to the fact that this is a Sunday night game and most of the Bengal players were arrested since they didn't have to be at the field until 4pm, the Steelers rout 51-13.
MIS: Cleveland @ Arizona - Could the game be cancelled as 38 Cleveland players defect to Arizona and claim political immunity?
Week 14:
Worst: STL @ Cincy - Cincy gets blown out 41-7, but on the bright side Chris Henry returns to score a TD as he runs from the stands in an Orange Jumpsuit to catch a TD. It was impressive as he was in ankle and wrist chains, but was still able to out leap Chad Johnson, as he was planning his TD celebration on a white board in the endzone.
Best: Pitt @ NE - A back and forth game until Tom Brady attacks Ben for dating Natalie Gulbis, as Brady is the only one that is suppose to date Hot Celebs and Roth should only be able to date Rosie or Oprah. After both are ejected, the game ceases to exist since Brady isn't involved.
MIS: Oakland @ GB - Will Randy Moss play for both teams? And by play i mean jog 2 yards off the line of scrimmage on any play he isn't involved.
Week 15:
Worst: Denver @ Houston - This is a Thursday prime time scheduled game. I guess i didn't realize that they made the schedule 2 years ahead of time and couldn't imagine the Texans not drafting Reggie Bush.
Best: Indy @ Oakland - This will be the game of the year for everyone who wants to smash their TV anytime Manning comes on in a commercial. Oakland will not have had this many fans since Bo Jackson was involved.
MIS: Atlanta @ TB - Will John Gruden's head explode? This is of course once Michael Vick carves through the vaunted Bucs defense, cause he is like the most awesome QB ever, according to Nike.
Week 16:
Worst: Houston @ Indy - No playoff implications here as Peyton never returned from the bye week to pursue his career in "acting". His new movie "American Pie: American Virgin who likes Kenny Chesney" opens to crowds of 62, and some of them were teenagers trying to sneak into another R-rated movie and ran out screaming.
Best: TB @ SF - San Fran's surprising 14-0 run has brought the '72 Dolphins out of their diamond encrusted lair to come and support the Bucs. With the Bucs down 20-14 in the final seconds, Bob Greise runs onto the field in SF gear hoping to cause a disqualification. He was so out of touch with reality, he was actually wearing SF Giants gear and interrupted a game winning TB TD. TB loses. The nation cheers.
MIS: GB @ Chicago - This could decide the NFC Central, as one of the teams could get to 6-9 and clinch the division crown.
Week 17:
Worst: Carolina @ TB - David Carr takes over for Jake DelHomme in the last game of the season. Not sure what to do with all the time available in the pocket, he sits down as that is where he is used to being after about 4 seconds behind the Texan line.
Best: NO @ Chicago - Rematch of last seasons NFC Championship, this time Rex Grossman implodes, wait he did that last time and still won, not sure how NO is going to win this game.
MIS: KC @ NYJ - Will LJ's legs actually fall off? He has been run 1034 times this year as KC has no WR's or a proven QB. His legs actually fall off in the 3rd quarter, but he returns in the 4th to score 2 more TD's and KC gets the final playoff spot.
So there it is, what you need to look for this year in the NFL...
Worst game of the week (Worst): The game will absolutely be the worst game of the week, which i guess is the definition of the worst game.
Best game of the week (Best): The game that will be the most over hyped, and annoy you to no end.
Most intriguing sub-plot of the week (MIS): I don't want to type each of those each week.
Week 1:
Worst: Detroit @ Oakland - But you have a chance to see 2 of the top draft picks, assuming these teams aren't stupid enough to trade them, a big assumption. One of these teams wont end up winless, well chances are they will tie 0-0 after players forget there is a game that day.
Best: Chicago @ SD - Could have been the Super Bowl! Well if they would have won.
MIS: NO @ Indy - 1st game of the year. Will anyone watch since there are no east coast teams? Cant think of anything else exciting about this game other than for NO and Indy fans.
Week 2:
Worst: Houston @ Carolina - David Carr returns with the Panthers to face his old team, well if you count that he will be on the bench sending in signals, as facing his old team, big payback for him.
Best: Indy @ TN - Peyton returns home to where he played college ball. Most of the fans in the stands will be Titan fans though, as most of the Volunteer fans will be at home cause they don't want to miss Peyton on TV, and his next commercial.
MIS: SD & NE - Last year the Patriots defaced the Chargers logo at middle field, not by urinating or anything on the logo, but by a dance that proves that no one should respect them, from coast to coast.
Week 3:
Worst: Miami @ NYJ - Miami doesn't have a QB, and by the beginning of the season, Pennington will be injured by some freak tractor accident, so they won't have a QB. I see this game with every snap going to no one and a lot of safeties. I predict 18-16.
Best: Dallas @ Chicago - This could have been the battle of the Jones brothers, Thomas & Julius, but since one has been traded and the other is likely to be traded, and being replaced by better backs, it moves from the worst game to the best game.
MIS: TN @ NO - Everyone is hyping this as the Bush vs Young match up, there are way too many jokes here, should I let them all go?
Week 4:
Worst: Chicago @ Detroit - Detroit backup Josh McNown wants to be traded, and hopefully the Lions have granted this request by now or we may see him hanging from the rafters as he realizes Matt Millen thinks he is worse than Jon Kitna and cant beat Rex Grossman.
Best: GB @ MN - This is only the best game if Randy Moss is traded to GB, he scores a TD and moons the MN crowd, only to have the Viking motorcycle riding mascot to shove a horn up his a**, that would be cool
MIS: TN Bye - Will all 52 TN active players be able to find Pacman Jones after he has wreaked havoc on 7 states while away from the team on suspension and bring him in peacefully, on an all new America's Most Wanted?
Week 5:
Worst: Detroit @ Washington - Matt Millen vs Dan Snyder, the Inept-a-Bowl sponsored by Suckatude.com, if you will.
Best: NYJ @ NYG - How exactly is a game in NY an away game for a NY team? To make it feel like a road game, do they take a flight, to say Omaha and back, to give them a disadvantage. Because Omaha could kill some spirits. The networks will probably call this a Subway Series even though it isn't a series, nor played in the Subway, which would be cool.
MIS: Cincy Bye Week - Even without Chris Henry, will USA's security level be raised to Red level this week, just in case?
Week 6:
Worst: NYG @ Atlanta - On Monday Night, they go for the record of least completion % by both QB's combined and the most combined INT's in the same game. Quite inspired if you ask me.
Best: NO @ Seattle - Both cities were hit by tragedy's. NO, with Hurricane Katrina, and Seattle with the day that Grunge Rock died and it was sunny the same day so everyone got totally sunburned outside Starbucks.
MIS: Indy Bye Week - How many commercials will Peyton film and how many times will we see them the rest of the year?
Week 7:
Worst: Minnesota @ Dallas - 87 cameras shatter at midfield when they try to take a picture of owners Wilf and Jones at the same time. Game is delayed 30 minutes to clean up the shrapnel.
Best: NE @ Miami - Normally NE would be the best game of the week, every week, according to the networks, but i waited until now. The question of the week will be whether Bellichek suffers a heat stroke in Miami from wearing the hoodie in 92 degree heat?
MIS: Baltimore @ Buffalo - Ray Lewis was involved in a double homicide in Florida, imagine the carnage he may provide this week in Buffalo in the middle of October?
Week 8:
Worst: Houston @ SD - Could have been Bush vs LT. Now it is just...ummm...their RB vs a psycho steroid infested Merriman. No Contest. Houston should be able to gain a few yards though if they go with their "Throw a defenseless cat near Merriman" offense.
Best: Oakland @ Tennessee - Just kidding, all the other games this week are just as bad.
MIS: NYG @ Miami - Will Eli survive coming out of the darkness and seeing the sun?
Week 9:
Worst: Houston @ Oakland - Oakland fans will complain about the schedule makers saying we already have to see a crappy team 8 times a year, cant you bring us Indy, or at least a good team from the CFL?
Best: Seattle @ Cleveland - The much anticipated first rematch of the cancelled series between the Indians and the Mariners, unfortunately there is still snow, and the baseball season has ended.
MIS: Chicago Bye Week - Will the police in Chicago have found the body of Rex Grossman yet?
Week 10:
Worst: Detroit @ Arizona - Would be better if Denny Green was still involved and lost to the Lions and claimed "They are what they thought we were, crap" after a 4-3 loss.
Best: Cincy @ Baltimore - Can Ray Lewis defend against the onslaught of Cincy?
MIS: NE Bye Week - The 24 hour coverage of NE's meetings with other bye week teams about lack of respect.
Week 11:
Worst: Oakland @ Minnesota - Same situation as above, only Randy Moss isn't traded and this game will suck worse than that one.
Best: Chicago @ Seattle - In an inspiring story, Rex is rescued by Chicago Police in time for this game to throw 8 INT's in a 14-3 loss, doesn't make flight back to Chicago. Last seen with several LB looking guys near the Puget Sound.
MIS: Cleveland @ Baltimore - Does Cleveland show up at this game, only to find a van waiting to take their equipment to San Antonio?
Week 12:
Worst: Thanksgiving Games - For about 10 years now this has made America miss that 2nd plate of Turkey, Stuffing and Cranberry Sauce due to fear of vomitting. And we are not happy.
Best: Philadelphia @ NE - Even though it is a Sunday night game, Jaws is still confused about the ESPN shift to Monday night games and shows up at the field. He is needed as McNabb goes down with a season ending injury and he leads them to a 20-17 victory, without any actual known receivers.
MIS: Houston @ Cleveland - Does Matt Schaub go to Cleveland and realize if he was traded to them he could have been 2-9 instead of 1-10?
Week 13:
Worst: Detroit @ Minnesota - In the 1st round of this years draft, both teams drafted WR's who are either 5th on the depth chart or have run over a cop...on the field of play.
Best: Cincy @ Pittsburgh - Due to the fact that this is a Sunday night game and most of the Bengal players were arrested since they didn't have to be at the field until 4pm, the Steelers rout 51-13.
MIS: Cleveland @ Arizona - Could the game be cancelled as 38 Cleveland players defect to Arizona and claim political immunity?
Week 14:
Worst: STL @ Cincy - Cincy gets blown out 41-7, but on the bright side Chris Henry returns to score a TD as he runs from the stands in an Orange Jumpsuit to catch a TD. It was impressive as he was in ankle and wrist chains, but was still able to out leap Chad Johnson, as he was planning his TD celebration on a white board in the endzone.
Best: Pitt @ NE - A back and forth game until Tom Brady attacks Ben for dating Natalie Gulbis, as Brady is the only one that is suppose to date Hot Celebs and Roth should only be able to date Rosie or Oprah. After both are ejected, the game ceases to exist since Brady isn't involved.
MIS: Oakland @ GB - Will Randy Moss play for both teams? And by play i mean jog 2 yards off the line of scrimmage on any play he isn't involved.
Week 15:
Worst: Denver @ Houston - This is a Thursday prime time scheduled game. I guess i didn't realize that they made the schedule 2 years ahead of time and couldn't imagine the Texans not drafting Reggie Bush.
Best: Indy @ Oakland - This will be the game of the year for everyone who wants to smash their TV anytime Manning comes on in a commercial. Oakland will not have had this many fans since Bo Jackson was involved.
MIS: Atlanta @ TB - Will John Gruden's head explode? This is of course once Michael Vick carves through the vaunted Bucs defense, cause he is like the most awesome QB ever, according to Nike.
Week 16:
Worst: Houston @ Indy - No playoff implications here as Peyton never returned from the bye week to pursue his career in "acting". His new movie "American Pie: American Virgin who likes Kenny Chesney" opens to crowds of 62, and some of them were teenagers trying to sneak into another R-rated movie and ran out screaming.
Best: TB @ SF - San Fran's surprising 14-0 run has brought the '72 Dolphins out of their diamond encrusted lair to come and support the Bucs. With the Bucs down 20-14 in the final seconds, Bob Greise runs onto the field in SF gear hoping to cause a disqualification. He was so out of touch with reality, he was actually wearing SF Giants gear and interrupted a game winning TB TD. TB loses. The nation cheers.
MIS: GB @ Chicago - This could decide the NFC Central, as one of the teams could get to 6-9 and clinch the division crown.
Week 17:
Worst: Carolina @ TB - David Carr takes over for Jake DelHomme in the last game of the season. Not sure what to do with all the time available in the pocket, he sits down as that is where he is used to being after about 4 seconds behind the Texan line.
Best: NO @ Chicago - Rematch of last seasons NFC Championship, this time Rex Grossman implodes, wait he did that last time and still won, not sure how NO is going to win this game.
MIS: KC @ NYJ - Will LJ's legs actually fall off? He has been run 1034 times this year as KC has no WR's or a proven QB. His legs actually fall off in the 3rd quarter, but he returns in the 4th to score 2 more TD's and KC gets the final playoff spot.
So there it is, what you need to look for this year in the NFL...
Thursday, April 5, 2007
NFL's New Team - Defensive Roster
(See Offensive Roster in below post)
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced today that they will be adding a 33rd team to the NFL next year. This team will not officially play any games during the season, as they will mainly be spent at a "practice" facility, as sort of a minor league team and have scrimmages against CFL, Arena League, and local High School teams. All of their games will be home games in a fenced in park near San Quentin, CA and should they finish undefeated they will get to play either the Lions or Texans at the end of the year, under heavy security. Should they win, they will be able to enter the NFL next year, with all members of the Texans or Lions being sent down to this "minor" league.
Goodell announced the team today and why they were selected for the San Quentin All-Stars and the pre-"camp" depth chart, Here is the defensive team:
Defense:
(We are combining the starting defensive line together)
DE - Dexter Reid (Guns, Drugs)
DT - Tank Johnson (Weapons, of somewhat mass destruction)
DT - Gerard Warren (Firearms)
DE - Frostee Tucker (Spousal Battery) - The best chance for the offense is to run at Frostee Tucker. First, his name is Frostee. Second, the arsenal of the other linemen will wipe out whole offensive plans, as well as players.
DL: Darrell Reid (Marijuana, DUI) - Never able to live up to his brother Dexter's potential above, he is relegated to 2nd string once again. Looking to show up his brother's "better" record, voted most likely to end up as a sniper on top of a stadium right before game time.
LB: OJ Nicholson (Burglary, Grand Theft) - Team is looking for him to create several fumbles this year with most of them being returned for a TD, and then outside the stadium, far away from security.
LB: Ray Lewis (Double Murder) - Upset that his team captaincy was taken away by a later teammate, he will be looking to triple his effort this year, if you know what i mean.
LB: Steve Foley (DUI, Shot by Police) - Will stand up to anyone, most likely to be shot by a security guard while running out of the tunnel before the game due to an untied shoelace.
LB: Joey Porter (Assault) - Relegated to backup duty since he waits for 6 other teammates to attack the runner before jumping in on the infraction (learned this from Ray Lewis)
CB: Pacman Jones (Name It) - Team Captain - Considered a shut down corner. After the snap of the ball, he "makes it rain" with $1 bills, in which greedy WR's drop to start picking them up. WR's should really be strippers, they seem to love themselves quite a bit.
CB: Nick Harper (Hitting Wife) - Will mostly be replaced after 4th play after 4 interference calls against him.
S: Dwight Smith (Indecent Conduct - Stairwell) - Not a good option as the last line of defense as he will probably let the runner/receiver score the TD and then try to take him into the tunnel for some fun.
S: Terrance Keil (Transporting Controlled Substance) - Team is worried about his interception return yards as after he intercepts the ball, he will try to break it down the ball to its original form and get tackled.
DB: Fred Smoot (Boat Cruise) - Has shown the ability to organize a big group of people in a short time. This will help as he will be asked to make the secondary calls in the nickel defense, which is what he spent per dance on the cruise
PR: Rae Carruth (Murder) - The team felt they needed a local guy in San Quentin to help draw fans.
P: Todd Sauerbraun (Steroids) - Team officials are a little concerned, as everyone of his punts leave the yard, i mean field, the guy retrieving it may not return.
Long Snapper: Eli Manning (Basically being a spoiled brat) - He hasn't actually done this in the past, but it was one of the requirements of the rest of the players if they were going to agree to play on this team. They basically wanted to be able to pound on him. They originally requested Peyton, but he had commercial commitments on Sunday during the football season.
Coaches:
Head Coach: Jim Harbaugh (DUI) - His playbook will be basically unreadable, but the Gatorade bottles wont just contain Gatorade.
Asst Head Coach: Joe Cullin (DUI, Driving thru a Wendy's Drive-Thru Naked) - Oddly enough, though he spends time on the sidelines naked, he showers with his clothes on?
Head Cheerleading Coach: Richie Anderson (Solicitation) - He has an inside connection to the sister prison next to San Quentin, and should be able to get the best "Talent" to "fill" out the squad.
So there is the new team. If you actually look at the team, i am pretty sure they could finish 10-6 in the NFC, OK, 16-0.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced today that they will be adding a 33rd team to the NFL next year. This team will not officially play any games during the season, as they will mainly be spent at a "practice" facility, as sort of a minor league team and have scrimmages against CFL, Arena League, and local High School teams. All of their games will be home games in a fenced in park near San Quentin, CA and should they finish undefeated they will get to play either the Lions or Texans at the end of the year, under heavy security. Should they win, they will be able to enter the NFL next year, with all members of the Texans or Lions being sent down to this "minor" league.
Goodell announced the team today and why they were selected for the San Quentin All-Stars and the pre-"camp" depth chart, Here is the defensive team:
Defense:
(We are combining the starting defensive line together)
DE - Dexter Reid (Guns, Drugs)
DT - Tank Johnson (Weapons, of somewhat mass destruction)
DT - Gerard Warren (Firearms)
DE - Frostee Tucker (Spousal Battery) - The best chance for the offense is to run at Frostee Tucker. First, his name is Frostee. Second, the arsenal of the other linemen will wipe out whole offensive plans, as well as players.
DL: Darrell Reid (Marijuana, DUI) - Never able to live up to his brother Dexter's potential above, he is relegated to 2nd string once again. Looking to show up his brother's "better" record, voted most likely to end up as a sniper on top of a stadium right before game time.
LB: OJ Nicholson (Burglary, Grand Theft) - Team is looking for him to create several fumbles this year with most of them being returned for a TD, and then outside the stadium, far away from security.
LB: Ray Lewis (Double Murder) - Upset that his team captaincy was taken away by a later teammate, he will be looking to triple his effort this year, if you know what i mean.
LB: Steve Foley (DUI, Shot by Police) - Will stand up to anyone, most likely to be shot by a security guard while running out of the tunnel before the game due to an untied shoelace.
LB: Joey Porter (Assault) - Relegated to backup duty since he waits for 6 other teammates to attack the runner before jumping in on the infraction (learned this from Ray Lewis)
CB: Pacman Jones (Name It) - Team Captain - Considered a shut down corner. After the snap of the ball, he "makes it rain" with $1 bills, in which greedy WR's drop to start picking them up. WR's should really be strippers, they seem to love themselves quite a bit.
CB: Nick Harper (Hitting Wife) - Will mostly be replaced after 4th play after 4 interference calls against him.
S: Dwight Smith (Indecent Conduct - Stairwell) - Not a good option as the last line of defense as he will probably let the runner/receiver score the TD and then try to take him into the tunnel for some fun.
S: Terrance Keil (Transporting Controlled Substance) - Team is worried about his interception return yards as after he intercepts the ball, he will try to break it down the ball to its original form and get tackled.
DB: Fred Smoot (Boat Cruise) - Has shown the ability to organize a big group of people in a short time. This will help as he will be asked to make the secondary calls in the nickel defense, which is what he spent per dance on the cruise
PR: Rae Carruth (Murder) - The team felt they needed a local guy in San Quentin to help draw fans.
P: Todd Sauerbraun (Steroids) - Team officials are a little concerned, as everyone of his punts leave the yard, i mean field, the guy retrieving it may not return.
Long Snapper: Eli Manning (Basically being a spoiled brat) - He hasn't actually done this in the past, but it was one of the requirements of the rest of the players if they were going to agree to play on this team. They basically wanted to be able to pound on him. They originally requested Peyton, but he had commercial commitments on Sunday during the football season.
Coaches:
Head Coach: Jim Harbaugh (DUI) - His playbook will be basically unreadable, but the Gatorade bottles wont just contain Gatorade.
Asst Head Coach: Joe Cullin (DUI, Driving thru a Wendy's Drive-Thru Naked) - Oddly enough, though he spends time on the sidelines naked, he showers with his clothes on?
Head Cheerleading Coach: Richie Anderson (Solicitation) - He has an inside connection to the sister prison next to San Quentin, and should be able to get the best "Talent" to "fill" out the squad.
So there is the new team. If you actually look at the team, i am pretty sure they could finish 10-6 in the NFC, OK, 16-0.
NFL's New Team - Offensive Roster
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced today that they will be adding a 33rd team to the NFL next year. This team will not officially play any games during the season, as they will mainly be spent at a "practice" facility, as sort of a minor league team and have scrimmages against CFL, Arena League, and local High School teams. All of their games will be home games in a fenced in park near San Quentin, CA and should they finish undefeated they will get to play either the Lions or Texans at the end of the year, under heavy security. Should they win, they will be able to enter the NFL next year, with all members of the Texans or Lions being sent down to this "minor" league.
Goodell announced the team today and why they were selected for the San Quentin All-Stars and the pre-"camp" depth chart, Here is the offensive team:
Offense:
QB: Daunte Culpepper (Boat Cruise) - Has proven leadership abilities in noticing "assets" while maintaining composure, even with his hands underneath his legs. Always has a smile on his face, though some say his eyes look like a deer in headlight, oh, he also likes headlights.
QB: Art Schileister (Gambling) - Every team needs a backup QB who is willing to take gambles that gets the crowd cheering, though eventually the crowd will go "Oh, why did he do that?"
QB: Reggie McNeil (Res. Arrest, Drugs) - Though a WR now, he played QB in college. They would have preferred Heisman winner Eric Crouch in this position, he just doesn't have the record needed to be successful on this team. Has some fight in him should he Romo a FG snap.
RB: Jamal Lewis (Drug Ring) - Definitely a team player who knows his role. He needs to deliver, in this case the ball, without being caught. Has experience in the role.
RB: Ricky Williams (Marijuana) - Good 2nd back, as after he runs through the line, the defense will probably be giggling uncontrollably and craving Cheetos from his stench. Also can help recruit foreign players, due to his connections in his travels.
RB: Ontario Smith (Sub. Abuse) - Good 3rd down back as anyone nicknamed "The Whizzinator" would be
RB: Maurice Clarett (Everything) - Has plenty of weapons and the special "Get my Goose on Move". A little concerned about being bribed to lose though. Destined to be cut, even from this team.
FB: Mike Sellers (Cocaine) - Can sniff out any block or rock with the best of them.
T: Jammal Brown (Dom. Battery) - Will beat any opponent down, prefers to face P and K's though.
G: Eric Steinbach (Boating DUI) - Works best in water, so rainy conditions are perfect for him. Knows how to steer around objects which i don't know is good for an OL.
C: Barrett Robbins (MIA Mexico) - Team a little concerned after first snap he will run off the field and keep going, to another foreign country.
G: Nate Newton (Drug Van) - Can definitely huge amounts of weight through lines (state, that is). Opens holes that you can drive a van through.
T: Levi Jones (Vegas fight) - Team a little worried that he will turn around after the ball is snapped and attack the 6 guys behind him, not a good trait for an OT, especially if its the blind side.
OL: Fred Weary (Res. Arrest) - This guy will fight anyone who asks him an innocent question, doesn't like to cuff block and prefers to go for the point of attack.
TE: Jeremy Stevens (DUI, Marijuana) - Blocks well for a TE when in the huddle the team tells him the QB is a 16 gallon keg or a Taco Bar. On passing plays tends to roam aimlessly laughing at people.
TE: John Gilmore (Trespassing, Res. Arrest, Drugs) - Concerned about his high rate of offsides.
WR: Chris Henry (Alcohol to underage girls, Assault w/ Firearms, DUI, Marijuana, Sub Abuse) - Named Off. Team Captain, Named on of the team captains of the minor league team due to his experience with minors. Most CB's will line up at least 30 yds off the ball from him, if not 40.
WR: Randy Moss (Motor Vehicle Assault, Mooning, Hair) - Has a motor that doesn't stop, even when told to by a defensive authority. Willing to show anything to keep you off guard, even his hair.
WR: Koren Robinson (DUI, Fleeing Police) - Speedy 3rd WR, though coaches get upset when all he does is run fly routes away from defenders when he is suppose to do a curl or block.
WR: Santonio Holmes (Dom. Violence, Assault) - Flagged for too many 15-yard face masks, especially since most of them are in his own huddle.
WR: Michael Irvin (Cocaine, and more) - Brought out of retirement to mentor this young receiving corp. Should work out well for them.
KR: Ben Gay (Dealing Drugs) - If you grew up with the name Ben Gay, dealing drugs would be the least of my offenses.
K: Sebastian Janikowski (Bribe, Roofies) - Will spend most of the time before the game talking to the officials that call FG's good, and offering them a lemonade or two.
OK, so that is the offense, will be back with the defensive team and coaches soon once it is announced.
Goodell announced the team today and why they were selected for the San Quentin All-Stars and the pre-"camp" depth chart, Here is the offensive team:
Offense:
QB: Daunte Culpepper (Boat Cruise) - Has proven leadership abilities in noticing "assets" while maintaining composure, even with his hands underneath his legs. Always has a smile on his face, though some say his eyes look like a deer in headlight, oh, he also likes headlights.
QB: Art Schileister (Gambling) - Every team needs a backup QB who is willing to take gambles that gets the crowd cheering, though eventually the crowd will go "Oh, why did he do that?"
QB: Reggie McNeil (Res. Arrest, Drugs) - Though a WR now, he played QB in college. They would have preferred Heisman winner Eric Crouch in this position, he just doesn't have the record needed to be successful on this team. Has some fight in him should he Romo a FG snap.
RB: Jamal Lewis (Drug Ring) - Definitely a team player who knows his role. He needs to deliver, in this case the ball, without being caught. Has experience in the role.
RB: Ricky Williams (Marijuana) - Good 2nd back, as after he runs through the line, the defense will probably be giggling uncontrollably and craving Cheetos from his stench. Also can help recruit foreign players, due to his connections in his travels.
RB: Ontario Smith (Sub. Abuse) - Good 3rd down back as anyone nicknamed "The Whizzinator" would be
RB: Maurice Clarett (Everything) - Has plenty of weapons and the special "Get my Goose on Move". A little concerned about being bribed to lose though. Destined to be cut, even from this team.
FB: Mike Sellers (Cocaine) - Can sniff out any block or rock with the best of them.
T: Jammal Brown (Dom. Battery) - Will beat any opponent down, prefers to face P and K's though.
G: Eric Steinbach (Boating DUI) - Works best in water, so rainy conditions are perfect for him. Knows how to steer around objects which i don't know is good for an OL.
C: Barrett Robbins (MIA Mexico) - Team a little concerned after first snap he will run off the field and keep going, to another foreign country.
G: Nate Newton (Drug Van) - Can definitely huge amounts of weight through lines (state, that is). Opens holes that you can drive a van through.
T: Levi Jones (Vegas fight) - Team a little worried that he will turn around after the ball is snapped and attack the 6 guys behind him, not a good trait for an OT, especially if its the blind side.
OL: Fred Weary (Res. Arrest) - This guy will fight anyone who asks him an innocent question, doesn't like to cuff block and prefers to go for the point of attack.
TE: Jeremy Stevens (DUI, Marijuana) - Blocks well for a TE when in the huddle the team tells him the QB is a 16 gallon keg or a Taco Bar. On passing plays tends to roam aimlessly laughing at people.
TE: John Gilmore (Trespassing, Res. Arrest, Drugs) - Concerned about his high rate of offsides.
WR: Chris Henry (Alcohol to underage girls, Assault w/ Firearms, DUI, Marijuana, Sub Abuse) - Named Off. Team Captain, Named on of the team captains of the minor league team due to his experience with minors. Most CB's will line up at least 30 yds off the ball from him, if not 40.
WR: Randy Moss (Motor Vehicle Assault, Mooning, Hair) - Has a motor that doesn't stop, even when told to by a defensive authority. Willing to show anything to keep you off guard, even his hair.
WR: Koren Robinson (DUI, Fleeing Police) - Speedy 3rd WR, though coaches get upset when all he does is run fly routes away from defenders when he is suppose to do a curl or block.
WR: Santonio Holmes (Dom. Violence, Assault) - Flagged for too many 15-yard face masks, especially since most of them are in his own huddle.
WR: Michael Irvin (Cocaine, and more) - Brought out of retirement to mentor this young receiving corp. Should work out well for them.
KR: Ben Gay (Dealing Drugs) - If you grew up with the name Ben Gay, dealing drugs would be the least of my offenses.
K: Sebastian Janikowski (Bribe, Roofies) - Will spend most of the time before the game talking to the officials that call FG's good, and offering them a lemonade or two.
OK, so that is the offense, will be back with the defensive team and coaches soon once it is announced.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Other Opening Day Observations
Alright, we will finish off the rest of the opening day games, with little blurbs on my take of the game. We will finish off the AL first:
Royals 7, Red Sox 1: I would not want to be stuck in Boston on a business trip today. The whining might produce a new river and several hundred of arrests of non-locals, shooting Red Sox fans just to shut them up would make it difficult to get a taxi, as well as stay alive. When i first read the box score, i must say i was a little worried about Boston's defense after i saw this line: T Pena - 3B (1)...if they gave up a triple to a 49 year old C with a walker, there might be some troubles. Once i found out it was his son, then i said "Still, he has his dad's speed genes doesnt he?"
Mariners 4, A's 0: All of the experts are saying this is Crosby's breakout year. His first game stats suggest that, 0-3, 2 k's, 2 E's...i should have read their articles further and realized that they meant AAA. Felix had a break out game throwing a 3-hitter with 12 k's, and in only 2:08. Rumor has it, the after game buffet was triple cheese burgers with stick of butter soup which made him pitch much faster than usual.
Twins 7, Orioles 4: Santana is known for slow starts in April. I think this had to do more with the fact he had to face Jay Gibbons and his impression of the Geico caveman minus the beard. It definately threw off Santana's game. Rondell White continued where he started last year with an 0-3 performance.
Angels 4, Rangers 1: Gary Matthews Jr made some impressive catches in the game and it was caught on camera that he was injecting himself with something before taking off for the fly ball. In reality, if he would have just ran towards the ball, it would have been a routine fly. Sammy Sosa returned to the game after a year absence. He was 0-3 with a K and a BB. The walk occured after the Angel pitcher saw Matthews Jr and him exchange something in between innings.
Reds 5, Cubs 1: The Cubs hit their goal after 1 game of 1 run per $180 million spent. Tomorrow they are hoping to get to 1 run per $60 million spent, but more likely it will remain the same.
Brewers 7, Dodgers 1: The Brewers were worried about the return of Ben Sheets after an injury plagued season. Their worries were a little diminished when he threw a CG, but only had 3 SO's, but if you add in his 3 SO's while batting, it is 6 SO's, which isnt bad. Nomar went 0-3 as he found it difficult to adjusting to his new batting stance with 2 babies in chest and back holders (yes i dont know what they are officially called). Most of the Dodger batters were also distracted by Mia's breast feeding in the dugout and missed their plate appearances.
Braves 5, Phillies 3: Now hopefully we can get both of these fan bases to shut up about their lack of "respect", what did each of you do last year to garner respect. And i guarantee you this, it will be the last time i use the word "respect" in a post. Everytime i hear a fan use it, i cant support their team, which means i have the Pirates, Nationals, Royals, the old Expos team, and the Yankees to root for. Yes that last one was a joke, they use it more than anyone, if 13 out of 14 people predict they win the World Series, they will claim a lack of respect. And you wonder why most of the population hates them, I'm sorry, is hating a lack of respect, i will use extremely dislike. And that is the end of the respect word being used in this blog.
Marlins 9, Nationals 2: The Nationals are trying to make up for their lack of speed after losing Matt LeCroy. Yeah, thats all i got on this one.
Diamondbacks 8, Rockies 6: This might have been the most laughable pick up during the offseason: LaTroy Hawkins in Colorado?? Maybe they were hoping for a 50% success rate and a less than 50 ERA out of one of their relievers. Lets see the first day results: 2 outs, 6 baserunners, though he did hit 50% of his pitches for strikes and only a 40.5 ERA. Colorado is looking smarter by the day.
Pirates 4, Astros 2: Everyone has been going the Clemens angle or the Bonds angle. I am going to believe in the Pirates (see earlier comment in post), they are now my other team. Now Bonds needs 22 HR's to break the record, but i despise him so i will go with this, the Pirates will get 22 HR's before any other player than Bonds gets it (and on the record, i think Bonds will be less than 10 at the time this happens), actually i will say they will get 22 before anyone gets to double digits. Current Tally: Pirates 3, Renteria 2.
This will be a running theme...my belief in the Pirates though i have no affiliation with them.
Royals 7, Red Sox 1: I would not want to be stuck in Boston on a business trip today. The whining might produce a new river and several hundred of arrests of non-locals, shooting Red Sox fans just to shut them up would make it difficult to get a taxi, as well as stay alive. When i first read the box score, i must say i was a little worried about Boston's defense after i saw this line: T Pena - 3B (1)...if they gave up a triple to a 49 year old C with a walker, there might be some troubles. Once i found out it was his son, then i said "Still, he has his dad's speed genes doesnt he?"
Mariners 4, A's 0: All of the experts are saying this is Crosby's breakout year. His first game stats suggest that, 0-3, 2 k's, 2 E's...i should have read their articles further and realized that they meant AAA. Felix had a break out game throwing a 3-hitter with 12 k's, and in only 2:08. Rumor has it, the after game buffet was triple cheese burgers with stick of butter soup which made him pitch much faster than usual.
Twins 7, Orioles 4: Santana is known for slow starts in April. I think this had to do more with the fact he had to face Jay Gibbons and his impression of the Geico caveman minus the beard. It definately threw off Santana's game. Rondell White continued where he started last year with an 0-3 performance.
Angels 4, Rangers 1: Gary Matthews Jr made some impressive catches in the game and it was caught on camera that he was injecting himself with something before taking off for the fly ball. In reality, if he would have just ran towards the ball, it would have been a routine fly. Sammy Sosa returned to the game after a year absence. He was 0-3 with a K and a BB. The walk occured after the Angel pitcher saw Matthews Jr and him exchange something in between innings.
Reds 5, Cubs 1: The Cubs hit their goal after 1 game of 1 run per $180 million spent. Tomorrow they are hoping to get to 1 run per $60 million spent, but more likely it will remain the same.
Brewers 7, Dodgers 1: The Brewers were worried about the return of Ben Sheets after an injury plagued season. Their worries were a little diminished when he threw a CG, but only had 3 SO's, but if you add in his 3 SO's while batting, it is 6 SO's, which isnt bad. Nomar went 0-3 as he found it difficult to adjusting to his new batting stance with 2 babies in chest and back holders (yes i dont know what they are officially called). Most of the Dodger batters were also distracted by Mia's breast feeding in the dugout and missed their plate appearances.
Braves 5, Phillies 3: Now hopefully we can get both of these fan bases to shut up about their lack of "respect", what did each of you do last year to garner respect. And i guarantee you this, it will be the last time i use the word "respect" in a post. Everytime i hear a fan use it, i cant support their team, which means i have the Pirates, Nationals, Royals, the old Expos team, and the Yankees to root for. Yes that last one was a joke, they use it more than anyone, if 13 out of 14 people predict they win the World Series, they will claim a lack of respect. And you wonder why most of the population hates them, I'm sorry, is hating a lack of respect, i will use extremely dislike. And that is the end of the respect word being used in this blog.
Marlins 9, Nationals 2: The Nationals are trying to make up for their lack of speed after losing Matt LeCroy. Yeah, thats all i got on this one.
Diamondbacks 8, Rockies 6: This might have been the most laughable pick up during the offseason: LaTroy Hawkins in Colorado?? Maybe they were hoping for a 50% success rate and a less than 50 ERA out of one of their relievers. Lets see the first day results: 2 outs, 6 baserunners, though he did hit 50% of his pitches for strikes and only a 40.5 ERA. Colorado is looking smarter by the day.
Pirates 4, Astros 2: Everyone has been going the Clemens angle or the Bonds angle. I am going to believe in the Pirates (see earlier comment in post), they are now my other team. Now Bonds needs 22 HR's to break the record, but i despise him so i will go with this, the Pirates will get 22 HR's before any other player than Bonds gets it (and on the record, i think Bonds will be less than 10 at the time this happens), actually i will say they will get 22 before anyone gets to double digits. Current Tally: Pirates 3, Renteria 2.
This will be a running theme...my belief in the Pirates though i have no affiliation with them.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Opening Day Updates
With the start of the new baseball season, i figured i would watch the early games and give you my impressions:
Indians 12, White Sox 5
The White Sox are off to a tough start, which is bad news for the Chicagoians, though they do have the Cubs which are almost always guaranteed a World Series win every 100 years or so. In this game CC Sabathia was able to eat his way to a win, literally. He ate 1st base, which made it difficult for the Sox to get on base as they had to try for a double with each at bat. Joe Borowski, the Indians closer had some trouble keeping the 12-3 lead, which doesnt bode well for Poland in the next World Baseball Classic. On the White Sox side, Contreras held up his part of the teams plan for allowing every player that reaches base to score, but reliever Nick Massett is not a team player as he stranded a few runners. Also if the White Sox are going to rely on 56 year old Darin Erstad for their power, they could be in trouble.
Blue Jays 5, Tigers 3
The Tigers fans have already annoited them the division winners. The good news is that new acquisition Gary Sheffield was able to get 2 RBI's with no hits. This is what the Tigers expected out of him, staring down the 3rd base umpire until he freaks out and allows the runner to advance so he can ground out to CF without actually running to the base. The Tigers chances of winning the division were greatly diminished by losing to a team from Canada, though their metric system does give them an advantage in scoring.
Yankees 9, Devil Rays 5
A-Rod continued his impressive array of hitting HR's with a lead or being way behind. With Carl Pavano your opening day started there is a good chance most of those HR's will be of the latter variety. Posada allowed 3 SB's, but it was understandable as all occured with Delmon Young at the plate and he was afraid of this stat line for Delmon: 1 base hit, 1 umpire hit, 1 helmet thrown at a batboy, and 1 fan poked in the chest with his finger.
Ok, that was the early American League score, will get to the NL later as it is now time to watch my Twins...
Indians 12, White Sox 5
The White Sox are off to a tough start, which is bad news for the Chicagoians, though they do have the Cubs which are almost always guaranteed a World Series win every 100 years or so. In this game CC Sabathia was able to eat his way to a win, literally. He ate 1st base, which made it difficult for the Sox to get on base as they had to try for a double with each at bat. Joe Borowski, the Indians closer had some trouble keeping the 12-3 lead, which doesnt bode well for Poland in the next World Baseball Classic. On the White Sox side, Contreras held up his part of the teams plan for allowing every player that reaches base to score, but reliever Nick Massett is not a team player as he stranded a few runners. Also if the White Sox are going to rely on 56 year old Darin Erstad for their power, they could be in trouble.
Blue Jays 5, Tigers 3
The Tigers fans have already annoited them the division winners. The good news is that new acquisition Gary Sheffield was able to get 2 RBI's with no hits. This is what the Tigers expected out of him, staring down the 3rd base umpire until he freaks out and allows the runner to advance so he can ground out to CF without actually running to the base. The Tigers chances of winning the division were greatly diminished by losing to a team from Canada, though their metric system does give them an advantage in scoring.
Yankees 9, Devil Rays 5
A-Rod continued his impressive array of hitting HR's with a lead or being way behind. With Carl Pavano your opening day started there is a good chance most of those HR's will be of the latter variety. Posada allowed 3 SB's, but it was understandable as all occured with Delmon Young at the plate and he was afraid of this stat line for Delmon: 1 base hit, 1 umpire hit, 1 helmet thrown at a batboy, and 1 fan poked in the chest with his finger.
Ok, that was the early American League score, will get to the NL later as it is now time to watch my Twins...
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