Headlines - 5/28/09

Back with some headlines before I continue on with the Sports Cities Rankings:

Tarkington to Favre: "You're A Doodyhead"

In a recent radio interview with a radio station Tarkington called Favre's act "despicable" and basically said he isn't very good anymore. Now, I agree with him on both points but what I find funnier is the media up in arms saying "Wait, you can't say anything bad about Brett! He was suppose to lick our bungholes later this week and I don't like it when he does it when he is mad". And make no mistake about it, Favre is the reason the Jets missed the playoffs last year. The media is excusing him saying he had a torn muscle but you know what, if you have a torn muscle in your throwing arm, pitch your giant ego where it belongs, with the manure on your farm, and let another capable QB play and win a game. That's all it would have taken, 1 game for them to make the playoffs.

Plaxico Not Only a Moron, But Also a Little Bit Delusional

From Shutdown Corner (link at the right), Plaxico Burress has turned down a deal for two months in jail and 1500 hours of community service. Normally when this happens, you end up getting more time unless you are actually innocent. Now, I am no expert, but if Plaxico thinks he is innocent, maybe he needs to look at the scar on his leg from where he shot himself. What is his defense going to be, "Ummm, judge, I don't know how that bullet got there, but I know I didn't have no gun in that nightclub". The evidence is in your freaking leg. Now maybe I am giving him to much credit to start with since he was the person who made the actual decision of, "Hmmm, I am heading out to the nightclub tonight, better bring my gun. Ok, it is loaded, better not put the safety on in case there is trouble. What would be best to support my gun and still look good for that ladies...ohh yea...sweatpants...that should work".

Tom Brady is Throwing a Football. ESPN to put all Reporters on Masturbatory Alert.

So rumor is that Tom Brady threw a football in the rain today. And this is a story how? His injury was in his leg, so i am assuming he could still throw a football, if he were a punter this might be a different story. And who cares if it was raining, why is this part of the story...oh I know why. Scene: ESPN reporter at NE practice, "Oh, here he comes onto the field...oh my god, oh my god, maybe I can get his autograph. What is that huge light behind him, is he an angel? Yes he is. Wait, what's that...ohhhh...its starting to rain, oh his t-shirt is getting wet and the rain is glistening off his face..." ESPN reporter drops pants. End Scene.

Breaking Report: Idiot Fans have Access to the Internet

So, some fan has started a website devoted to electing Manny Ramirez into the All-Star game. I have never been against getting rid of the fan vote, it sometimes sends undeserving players to the all star game from Boston and New York but if that is what the fans want to see, that's fine with me. This case has now changed my mind, the fan vote needs to be taken away. If he gets voted in after missing 50 games for cheating, then enough is enough. The all-star game is for players who have actually played this year for more than a few games. This fan is an idiot thinking he is now the news, what a d-bag. In a related story, The Red Sox dropped Ortiz to 6th in the batting order. Lets take a look at this quick. Ortiz plays for the Twins, he sucks and they let him go. Boston picks him up and he meets Manny (who is now 100% without a doubt a steroid using cheater) and he becomes superhuman. Manny leaves for the Dodgers and Ortiz sucks again. Coincidence, I think not. Or maybe he has taken Manny's work ethic and decided to quit on the team until he gets traded.

Joe Paterno would give Notre Dame The Bird if he Remembered which Finger to Use.

Joe Paterno has said that Notre Dame is not welcome in the Big Ten. I am not sure why as it would mean a win each year for each of teams in the Big Ten that would play them. Here are some other quotes from Joe's press conference:

"Butter tastes good on my wood shed"
"Who are you, Why am I here?
"That Ethel Javonski gave good hummers. We are going to the sock hop tonight and then maybe watch Happy Days. Maybe I will get one."
"I like Buses"
"Donkey, Horse! Donkey, Horse! Donkey, Horse?"
"Have you seen my baseball?"
"Forty, could wanna breakfast make tower in beach if electricity bottle"

Sport Cities Rankings - Cities With 0 Teams

Here is a new 6 part series I am going to write about. I am going to rank the cities that have 0 through 5+ sports teams in regards to their existing teams, and whether or not they deserve more, less or are good as is. The first part will be a little different, I am going to rank 10 cities that do not have any current sports teams among the 4 major sports in terms of which ones deserve a team the most. Here we go (the population is of their major metro area as of 2008, not just the city):

1. Las Vegas (1.8 Million):

This one is easily #1. Vegas should have a sports team. These population statistics don't include the millions of drunk travelers who come there each year, and those that have money left would probably love to catch a game. The major sticking point though is the gambling and the potential for fixed games. One easy solution would be the NBA because their games are already fixed. Problem solved. But in reality, baseball would be the best fit as it is hardest to fix.

Pros: Drunks with money; Seigfried and Roy's tigers could maul visiting Boston teams; No worries about April or October games being snowed out; Celebrity sightings at games (and potentially getting pelted with beer; Strippers, lots and lots of Strippers.
Cons: Celene Dion singing the National Anthem; Team Name, The Las Vegas Bellagio Presented by Bally's; World Series of Poker being shown on JumboTron during game.

2. Austin, Texas (1.6 Million)

This is a city growing by leaps and bounds and has one of the greatest nightlife's in the country. The problem might be its location as it sits right in the middle of Dallas, Houston and San Antonio. The best chance for a team to succeed here would probably be baseball as the other Texas teams kinda suck.

Pros: College town = College Coeds; No city ordinance against women appearing topless in public; I think that's enough.
Cons: Sitting behind big ass cowboy hats at game; guys in sleeveless Aikman jerseys, the potential appearance of the gay "Hook 'Em Horns" hand signal at games.

3. Norfolk/Virginia Beach, Virginia (1.65 Million)

If you also include the Richmond metro area nearby that is another 1.2 million for the fan base. Lets go ahead and throw a football team here as this area of the Eastern seaboard is huge on football.

Pros: Would piss off Dan Snyder, Not many sports teams to compete with and huge population of males in their 20's.
Cons: Michael Vick lives in the area, Fan related deaths on $1 Moonshine Taps night.

4. Louisville, Kentucky (1.2 Million)

This is basketball country so lets give them an NBA team, but would there be too much competition from the colleges and its proximity to Indianapolis and Cincinnati?

Pros: Significantly less murders than surrounding cities so you should be able to keep fan base longer; Home to Papa John's Pizza so you could have one fan win an opportunity to throw a basketball at the Papa John's annoying founder from 5 feet at all home games.
Cons: Lawsuits from people slipping on the grease in Rick Pitino's hair;

5. Albuquerque, New Mexico (850k)

I think this would be a great spot for a baseball team, not sure why. No major sport competition.

Pros: Key scouting area for aliens in Roswell they could sign.
Cons: Horse poop, lots and lots of horse poop.

Ok, for the next 5 we are just going to do some quick hits.

6. Hartford, Connecticut (1.2 million) - We will give them a hockey team as one of the greatest teams of all time, the Hartford Whalers was taken away from them to move to the hockey hotbed of Carolina or Florida or something like that. This also might be convert some Boston Bruin bandwagon now that they are good fans so they wont be such dicks. And being in CT, maybe ESPN will cover someone other than Boston and NY.

7. Birmingham, Alabama (1.1 million) - This is football country with a lack of a professional football team, well actually I think Birmingham lacks a professional anything. The hardest part I think would be trying to give the locals directions to the stadium.

8. Boise, Idaho (600k) - The 2 closest cities with sports teams have NBA teams, so lets give them a hockey team, though Boise State does pretty well in the football area as well as pansy RB's who propose to their girlfriends during BCS bowl games. Not sure if they even like hockey here as I really don't know much about Boise other than potatoes and skiing, or was it potato skiing?

9. Raliegh, North Carolina (1.1 million) - This is basketball country so lets give them an NBA team as there really isn't any competition in the state for NBA basketball. The other NBA team is being "run" by Michael Jordan and average -14 wins a year. The one problem though is that the state of North Carolina does seem to have an epidemic of churning out no talent douchebag white guys from the college ranks.

10. Omaha, Nebraska (850k) - I think a baseball team could survive here, but what the hell, lets give them a Cricket team just to mess with them.

Where Should Vick Play?

The question at hand isn't where would be the best place for Vick in relation to team needs and a fresh start for him but where should he end up that would amuse us the most. In no particular order:

1. Cleveland Browns: First, for the chance to see an overweight, drunken Brown fan wearing a dog mask from the Dawgpound run on the field and attack Vick. That would probably even amuse PETA and they haven't laughed since, ummm, well ever. Second, for the camera shots on the sidelines of Vick and Brady Quinn braiding each others hair.

2. Utah Jazz: I'm not even sure if Vick can even play basketball, but, in the NBA you really don't have to play actual basketball since they really don't enforce the rules. Michael Vick and Utah though is a match made in heaven. Now sure, his first go round with a posse didn't work so well but this wouldn't be so much a posse as a harem and i think they are much easier to trust. Plus, this time after a few years of breeding he could get a reality show on TLC instead of prison. Mike and Eight (wives) Plus 42.

3. ESPN Reporter Assigned to Give Us Hourly Updates on Michael Vick: I imagine the reports would go something like this, "I spoke with Michael and in the past hour he has said he has went to the bathroom and eaten a ham sandwich while watching The Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels. I also saw him feverishly trying to remove something from his ankle with a screwdriver and attach it to the cat. This is Michael Vick reporting from Michael Vick's home in Hampton, Virginia. ESPN." And really, if they wanted Vick to be remorseful, instead of going to prison, they should have made him cover Brett Favre for ESPN for the past 2 years.

4. Buffalo Bills: Vick has ruined 1 team. But here he would have the opportunity to work with the master, TO, who is currently at 3 and counting and going for his first in the AFC. And with Vick around and all the attention and camera's on him, TO could set the record and destroy this team in a matter of games, not years. Plus this pairing just might make Skip Bayless implode, and that would be fun.

Update

I have started two new blogs. One about MN Sports and another about TV...both with humor. I needed something new. The links can be found on the right (And We Will See You Tomorrow Night and Where Is The Remote). I will still be updating this site, hopefully more than the past few months.

ESPN to Relocate Their HQ From Bristol to Eden Prairie

With the news that Brett Favre may join my, wait, I hate when people say it is 'My' team, I don't own the Vikings, so its not my Minnesota Vikings, it is the Minnesota Vikings, I am going to give you my reasons as to why this is a very bad idea for a Minnesota Viking fan...me.

1.) His stats are good if you are looking for the Starting QB in Bizarro World (or the Anti-Starting QB).

Lets look first at QB Rating. Last year he ranked 21st in the NFL behind the likes of Hall of Famer's Shaun Hill, Seneca Wallace and Elisha Manning. I can understand Hill and Wallace, they are superstars, but he isn't better than Elisha, c'mon. Secondly, he had 22 interceptions. 22! The next closest was another whiny bitch, Cutler, who had 18. I guess whiny bitch is the new rage when looking for a QB in the NFL. Has anyone informed Kiper? Oh wait, the draft is over, he has been cryogenically frozen until September. In a related stat, Favre's interception % is 4.2, a full point higher than any QB with over 350 pass attempts last year.

2.) How would Favre handle being 2nd Fiddle in an offensive plan?

And no, this isn't a reference to a love chain between him, John Madden and Tony Kornheiser, where i hear he doesn't mind being the second fiddle. This is the one that should concern the Vikings the most. Everyone is saying that having Favre will help Adrian Peterson. I think it is the exact opposite. How do you think someone who needs all the attention to be on him, will handle Peterson being the focus of the offense and all the attention (well, except for ESPN who will be introducing the Brett Favre jock cam for telecasts this year. I think it was only because Tony K wanted to install it)? I don't think Favre will handle it too well. So all of the Vikings fans who are thinking Favre is a great thing for this team, wait a few games and you will start to see Favre audibling out of every other running play and Peterson's touches dropping to 10-15 a game.

3.) The supporting cast argument doesn't hold water.

Other than RB, which is better than the Jets, but not as much as people think as the Jets had a very good running game last year and also will be reduced by my points above, the supporting cast isn't much better. If you are trying to tell me that Berrian, Wade, Rice are an upgrade over Coles and Cotcherty, then i have a piece of land to sell you on Shiancoe's cock. It is not an upgrade. Berrian is their equal, Wade is fading, Rice hasn't proven anything and assuming Harvin isn't arrested before camp, he hasn't proven anything.

4.) Watch the film - and no i don't mean Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, though I think a few of those girls have stronger arms.

Granted, I only saw a few clips this morning on ESPN and of course, none of them were his 22 interceptions, but he doesn't have much left. 25% of his passes were 'throw it up and see who catches it' that looked straight out of sandlot football and happen to be TD's. 25% were well underthrown. 25% were dumpoff's to RB's. And I assume the other 25% would have been interceptions but they didn't show them. He is not the old Brett Favre people, well, i guess he is Old Brett Favre.