Headlines

Time for a new headlines post on stories that didn't require their own post, but still deserved to be mocked.

But first, a moment of silence for all that lost their lives yesterday at VT to a senseless act of violence by a deranged individual. Thoughts and condolences to all who are affected by this tragedy.

Alright, onto the headlines from the past couple of the weeks:

NBA Non Playoff Teams to play in fish tanks the rest of the year.

With several NBA teams obviously tanking their season this year by coming up with mysterious injuries for their stars, playing guys #8-12 in crunch time of a close game, and still employing Doc Rivers, it is obvious something needs to change. Now some experts are suggesting that the team with the best record who doesn't make the playoffs gets the highest number of fixed, i mean, lottery balls. My view is this will not fix the problem. Wont decent teams on the cusp of the playoffs start tanking. Would you rather be an 8 seed this year and lose in the first round, or have the best chance at the top college player which could make your team a top 4 seed next year? Answer tank it, but not so you lose the the top loser spot, so i guess that wouldn't be as bad as completely tanking as you might have to win a few games. Best case scenario for this year, Oden stays in college and all the teams that tanked this year hedging their bets on a top 2 spot, now needing #1.

Pacman Moves, Media Follows

Pacman Jones announced he may plan on going back to school during his suspension. My guess is that he will try to pursue a criminal justice major so he can find out what he can and cannot do. This plan was scrapped once he found out that since he isn't on the college football team, he would actually have to attend class, and so he decided to appeal his suspension with a "Wasn't Me" defense.

Lets go out to the Rain outs and bring me some snow and some shovels...

Several baseball games were cancelled the first two weeks of the season due to snow and rain. Many people are blaming scheduling several games of warm weather or dome non-division teams to play in the northern or eastern cities early in the year. Of course Yankee fans are complaining about how the media hates them and Boston fans are complaining about lack of respect for the bad weather this year.

NBC's Today Show gets a Tiki Bar (ber)

Many were worried that Tiki would be nervous appearing before cameras on live TV. Tiki wasn't worried though as he had to perform in front of millions of people with Eli Manning as his QB, which was much more embarrassing.

Andre Agassi perfects his back-hand

Agassi, after hitting his wife Steffi Graf with a tennis racket "accidentally" during a charity event this weekend causing three stitches to her mouth, seems to perfected his backhand and they are ready to move into the Coral Gables Oceanside Trailer Park. Andre says "We have tried to move in before, but they said Steffi, even with the nose thing, is still too pretty, has all her teeth and no signs of scars. Hopefully this is a move in the right direction to be accepted into their community."

Duncan's off-season personality surgery deemed a success

Tim Duncan was ejected from the Spurs game with Dallas, after showing some actual emotion on the bench by laughing. Crawford, the referee was so shocked that Duncan was actually capable of emotion that he booted him from the game believing that the Spurs had actually brought in an impostor to replace Duncan which is in violation of NBA rules.

Madden '08 Cover Announcement Ends in Tragedy

The EA Sports official announcement dinner for the player on the cover of the '08 version of the game was interrupted as Vince Young, the new player on the cover, had trouble walking up to the podium. As Vince walked up the steps to the podium, one of the steps gave way and he sprained his ankle. While hopping on stage, he tripped on a cord and fell off the back of the stage separating his right shoulder. As he climbed back on-stage and regained his composure he somehow slipped and fell into a tub that already had a plugged in toaster placed in it. Why this toaster tub was onstage still needs to be determined, as it had no real use for the ceremony.

KG looking at a possible extended vacation

Recent news have the Lakers possibly looking at acquiring Kevin Garnett in the off season. After years of playing with the T-Wolves where he was the only offense, and actually the only one who knew where the basket was, KG is looking forward to the vacation in the LA sun. He was quoted as saying "I have busted my butt for years, now if i play for the Lakers, i can just walk down the court and stand around and wait for Kobe to shoot. I really only need to go to mid-court, and then i can get back on defense walking backwards. I am really looking forward to the break"

Yankee Fans say this is the best the team has ever looked.

In their 7th year of delusion, Yankee fans still claim that this is a team for the ages, despite a AA level starting pitching staff, Jeter checking out babes in the stands and committing 6 errors already (yeah he is a gold glove, an actual gold glove), A-Rod letting other guys massage him, and their vaunted closer giving up a walk off HR to Mark Scu...umm some guy named Mark. When asked, a Yankee fan offered his thoughts, "Well we should get Guidry back soon, Reggie Jackson is looking good in his rehab assignment and you can never count out the Babe".

Red Sox pay fan for his arm

After not being in the news or on any lead stories on any major websites for 2 days, the Red Sox top brass decided to pay a fan to throw his slice of pizza at another fan/player just to get back in the news. A Red Sox spokesman says "In all honesty, we should be the lead story of every newscast around the country every night. We won the World Series a few years back and are not getting the respect we deserve. We would have won the World Series last year too if we had played well enough to make the playoffs. So, since the nation is tired of us, we have to resort to these tactics to get back into the news." Most of the nation is still laughing at the staged incident, causing a reduction of work productivity by 62%.

'72 Dolphins upset about the pepper situation

The extremely anal and pretentious 1972 Dolphins are upset about the rumors of the current team trading Daunte Culpepper. Knowing that some actual great team will eventually go undefeated and send them into Bolivian (as Mike Tyson might say), thus reducing their champagne drinking by one day. Says RB Larry Csonka "We brought in a QB with a serious injury in hopes that we can at least remain the best Dolphin team and still celebrate for a few more years, and now they are going to trade him? I say he is fine, lets put him out there with one leg and see what he can do. People are starting to say, in terms of relevance, that our team couldn't beat that 6-10 team from a few years ago and i beg to differ, if we played them 10 times, we would win one.

So there is the headlines from recent weeks...i have about 10 posts in the hopper so be ready for an onslaught of posts and read down the blog as there could be more than one a day...