As of Wednesday, Barry Bonds contract still has yet to be approved by Major League Baseball. From my sources (somewhere in the back of my mind) here are the sticking points that are not being reported:
1. Should his head exceed 20 1/2 inches, he will have to pay an extra $1.50 for XXXXXXXL caps and $4.00 for helmets
2. The restraining order that Barry placed on his teammates for coming close to his locker will be reduced from 500 ft to 475 ft
3. The number of lockers that his posse can have will be reduced from 20 to 18 & number of illegal substances allowed in those lockers at any time has been reduced from 82 to 65
4. As he nears Hank Aaron's record, all stadiums are required to paint a portrait of the Home Run King in their outfield, so after Barry breaks the record he can stomp on it on the way back to the outfield.
5. All fans at opposing stadiums who either carry anti-Barry signs, yell explicitives at him, or dont bow to him when he looks at them will be removed from the stadium and shot.
6. Pitchers aren't allowed to throw anything over 70 mph and has to be right down the middle of the plate. Should they not comply, they will be sent to the minors. (His first request of being able to pursue the record in Low A Ball was declined)
7. After he breaks the record he will be recognized as Supreme Leader of the World, and him and his posse will be able to attack small countries at will, such as Trinidad & Tobago, Grenada, and Canada.
Hopefully all of this will be resolved soon, so we can return to 24 hrs of media coverage on Barry, instead of the current 23 hrs.
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